Erin's Bio

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The trials and tribulations of being a pregnant medical student have been much easier than I expected. I say this having been through Psychiatry during the bulk of my first trimester, with very understanding people and a schedule perfectly suited to motherhood. The worst is yet to come. Over the next four months I'll endure OB-Gyn, the absolute nightmare rotation, and Surgery, which finishes a close second. How this will be I couldn't tell you. I look at this spring with a mixture of fear and a deep desire to have it finished. I have looked upon most of this pregnancy with a mixed sense of dread and delight. Each milestone is a celebration; passing seven weeks, the time that I lost the first two, an 8-week ultrasound that showed everything to be perfect, hearing the heartbeat for the first time in the doctor's office. I wasn't sure what to think when I found out that I was pregnant again...on my birthday. Swarms of butterflies surrounded me that day, which always reminds me of my mother. They were something that she loved and collected, and they always have special meaning to me when I see them. That one small sight brought me comfort. The first ultrasound at 6 weeks showed only a yolk sac, no baby, and made both of us fear the worst. The next 2 weeks were excruciating for me, not knowing what would happen, wanting to tell my friends and family but not being able to do it. Though I knew in my heart that all would be well, it was tough to convince my mind to feel the same way. Who knows what my attendings were thinking during that time, with me a nervous wreck and rotations last on my list of priorities? A couple of days before the follow-up ultrasound, we took the dogs for their walk on a cold, clear November night. I was preparing myself for the worst and nothing else entered my mind. I find myself looking to guardian angels (mom included) at the low points in my life. One of them answered my unspoken prayers that night. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a falling star cut its way through the black sky. Which, of course, my husband missed. The night before the ultrasound, it happened again. There was indeed a healthy baby on the ultrasound at 8 weeks.

Almost 14 weeks into pregnancy, everything seems fine. The dread still remains to a small degree; not just dread for the near future, but for residency and all that lies ahead of that in practice. I've been assured that even an accelerated residency will work, but still can't stop worrying sometimes. Today I do look to the smallest things for reassurance. Driving home from Kingsport last week, I saw a sliver of a rainbow in the afternoon sky even though there was no rain in sight. I laugh at the calves who wander up to our fence and then scamper away when the barking starts. I know good and well that these things aren't put on this earth for me alone, but it reminds me that there is someone or something protecting each of us, and that I have some very special people lending a helping hand from above. I hope that I can always be aware of those little reassurances and keep my eyes open for them. Especially over the next few months as I face people and places that are not so understanding of the desire to be both mother and doctor.

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