This is one of those rare moments in medical school. PEACE AND QUIET. For the first time in nearly a month, I'm not scrambling around, trying to make sense of life inside the hospital, and struggling to deal with sleep deprivation and the ever-present feeling that I just don't belong here. I started my third year with pediatrics, thinking that it would be a benign, manageable way to ease myself into clinical rotations. Wishful thinking!

The first week was a blur of orientations, the Tennessee state budget crisis, and the discovery that I was about to lose my second pregnancy this year. Then I started NICU. What an amazing and overwhelming place. Those tiny, tiny babies, so helpless and fragile. I left each day feeling emotionally drained by their stories (many were born to drug-addicted mothers) and their needs. On top of what I was already feeling from the miscarriage, it was almost too much to bear at the end of the day. By the end of that week, I was having serious doubts about medicine. For me, those doubts seem to surface a little too often. It's been infinitely better on the ward service, although it seems that all of the complex cases came in at once and are here to stay. I feel like I learn a little more about what it's like to be a doctor every day, but I still have soooo far to go.

Things are on the upswing; my USMLE scores finally arrived and made me very happy, my OB is putting me on Clomid and is convinced that it will work, and I can find my way to almost any place in the hospital without getting completely lost or locked in a stairwell. Tomorrow is another day on call and another night away from my husband, dogs, and cat, but hopefully it will be another day of learning that will help ease the fears and doubts that I have about the path that I have chosen.

Erin's Bio

Chat with Erin!

More Diaries...

Would you like to keep an online diary at MomMD? We'd love to hear your story. Visit this page and start your own!

*Some names have been changed.