Sometimes in pediatrics, I look at the children that I see, both in clinic and on the wards, and wonder how they've made it. I didn't have an easy childhood by any stretch of the imagination, but some of these children have been through enough for an entire lifetime in a few short years. My parents divorced when I was six years old. I moved to three different states and went to six different elementary schools before life settled down. I've had three stepmothers, and my dad didn't get it right until #3. However, I always had love, shelter, comfort, and everything physical and emotional that I could have ever needed. I found myself looking at a four year old child through the glass windows of the PICU one recent call night and feeling very blessed to have had what I did as a child; this little girl came to us bruised and battered, kicked in the stomach so hard that her small intestine ruptured. By her own parent, most likely.

It is exceedingly difficult to "leave the day at the door" when you go home, even though you're told that you must. Children from these kinds of situations leave you feeling angry, helpless, empty...there aren't enough words. And sometimes you just can't separate the person that you are from the job that you're supposed to do. I love children. I want my own and may not have them. This is why I can't be a pediatrician. Though you feel that you have helped someone 9 times out of 10, and you see beautiful, bouncing babies and happy, healthy families every day, the one that is brutally abused or neglected can overshadow the positive. I try to stay upbeat by thinking about the happy kids, like the ones that give me a hug as they bounce out the clinic door. I get such a kick out of the 5-10 year olds! I also try to think about the fact that I only have two weeks left until Family Medicine, where I am much more comfortable. Even though I have learned a great deal during this first rotation, I'm looking forward to adult medicine, where it's much easier, for me at least, to separate the personal and clinical self.

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