Nanon's Bio

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Hello, Party People,

So I haven’t written in a while, and for that I apologize. I promised at least one entry a month, and it’s been two, now. As I’m sure other diarists will concur, it’s difficult to write a public diary. It takes a certain amount of courage to set your thoughts to words that you know others will read. I’m stymied by an internal voice that stands in for external criticism, and it stings the words right out of my head.

I’ve tried to write you a few times in the last few months, but I could never get my flow, and maybe I won’t this time, either. I think part of the problem is that I like an issue to be settled before I write about it, or even speak about it. I like knowing that I’m satisfied with how I feel about things. Otherwise, things feel too dramatic, too overblown. In general, I save my drama queen for my husband, my best friend and my cats, and work very hard to let the rest of the world see my painfully balanced perspective. However, I don’t know when that side of me will return, so maybe I should just get to the point, no?

About three weeks ago, right as I sat down to study for a physics midterm (e&m, wouldn’t you know it), I felt a migraine coming on. Actually, I see a migraine coming on. I get the classic variety, with lots of vivid, swirling colors, otherwise known as a scintillating scotoma, for you medicophiles out there. Long story short, my headache stopped for the most part three days ago. I have some lingering visual problems. I have an MRI tomorrow. My neurologist is suggesting that I may have had a small stroke. I’m taking aspirin every day. I can only read in short bursts. I’m terrified that my vision might stay this way. I feel ashamed that this is happening to me. I tell myself on an almost five minute schedule not to over-react.

I’m taking an incomplete in my programming class. Looking at the monitor for errant lines of misguided code made my head hurt so badly for the past few weeks that I just couldn’t keep up with my assignments, and now I’m really, really behind. We’re studying optics in Physics, and the irony of that is just killing me. Thank god I can still write papers, so English isn’t going that badly. But overall, this is a disappointing semester.

It’s left me rethinking everything. My neurologist gave me some standard orders: No stress, no smoking, no drinking, no coffee, get enough sleep, eat a balanced diet, no heavy physical exertion, take an aspirin a day without fail. I said, “Um... I’m planning on taking the MCAT this Spring.” “So, you’re foolish as well...” We both laughed. “Should I be worried? About going to medical school, I mean. Can I do this?” And he said, “Don’t live your life in fear. If you want to be a doctor, be a doctor. I’m more worried about you getting pregnant.”

Well. See, my whole plan for making it through medical school will have to be revised. I had planned to live primarily on caffeine and exercise, with the occasional over-consumption of alcohol to burn off the overwhelming stress. But actually, that’s not the issue, precisely. The issue is that I really am afraid. Afraid of doing irreparable damage to myself, and at the same time afraid that I’m not stoic enough or strong enough for this profession. And really, these are the fears I’ve always had about medical school, and being a doctor, but now it’s all right there on the surface and I can’t really dance around it.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. The MRI is tomorrow. It’s possible that I’m just having a minor nervous breakdown that’s manifesting itself physically, and I could wake up tomorrow feeling perfectly normal, if I can keep myself from obsessing on it. Ha ha, that reminds me. I asked my neurologist what the chances were that this was “all in my head.” Of course, his reply was, “Whatever it is, of course it’s in your head.”

I’ll let you know what happens, even if it does turn out that all I actually need is a competent therapist.

New recommended book: Time's Arrow: Or the Nature of the Offense by Martin Amis

Nanon

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