Emily,

As a medical spouse, I'll throw my .02 into the ring. You guys have just embarked on a huge life-changing event...a positive one, but one that brings with it many new changes. For you, the excitement and focus is on medical school now...but for hubby I'm sure that he is going through some doubts and fears that he just isn't doing a good job of verbalizing.

How is he feeling about his own career and the direction that his life is taking? Do you think he is feeling jealous or even threatened by this new turn of events..ie...my wife is starting med school and she will be a doctor and I will 'just' be a __________? Even if he is happy for you (which I'm sure that he is), and proud, there may be a little of that green monster popping through :guilty: The SHAME!!! We had only one car, and so I had to pick my husband up from the hospital when he started internship year.....and...there were times that I really, really took my time doing it even though I knew he was tired (I feel horrible admitting this!) because I was angry...our lives had completely turned to focus on him and internship, he was working all of the time, and I was....confused.

Interestingly, we did work this out and settle into a routine...and then when I went back to school to get my MS in mol. bio when he was a fellow, I went through the same thing from him. He had become accustomed to me being responsible for the house, the kids, etc, etc...getting everything done. Suddenly, I was talking about me and my dreams and what I was doing in the lab..and he would completely blow me off and label my studies as a 'silly game', etc...and it was all just because the dynamics of our relationship were changing again. He had suported me through my post-bac classes, had been my cheerleader for the GRE BIO, but when it came to me actually starting school and working towards this accomplishment, he stopped dead in his tracks. The reality was that it was tipping the balance of our relationship again...

I would suggest hiring a sitter and going out with your hubby and talking with him about his life and career, asking him how he really feels about you going to med school (without getting angry with him for walking away from you when you try and talk about things) and taking time to hear things from his perspective as well. This is a time of reorganization of the relationship and will be the first of many on this exciting medical training journey.

Don't take it personally...he's just adjusting the best that he can right now.

Kris

One thing that might help is to find other med students with non-med spouses, and do things together. Your spouse probably has lots in common with other husbands, and although they probably wouldn't have a heart to heart about it, they might be unspoken moral support for each other. Also try hard to maintain any friends you guys had before med school - try to minimize the impression of medical school swallowing you and your former life whole. And be very sensitive to not implying that your time/work is less flexible or more important than his - my husband and I still struggle with this. Explain that it is not an assumption that he has to do the school pickup just because you are in (genuflect) MED SCHOOL, it's only that those particular three hours of the day are hard for you to miss and make up, and that anatomy lab doesn't last forever. When my husband was a resident and I a student, I REALLY resented any hint that his was the real job, and that I was therefore stuck with the errands.
-Diana

Emily,

When my husband does this kind of thing, it means he's angry and tired and feels neglected. He just comes from a family where people don't say these things straight out, and it's hard for him to do that.

I know you're anxious to tell him about all your stuff, but since your stuff probably has priority, you might try keeping it separate for a while. He's probably pretty exhausted himself, and feigning interest in your omnipresent med school may be a little much to ask right now. He may just be trying to avoid conflict by walking away. Ask him about his stuff instead, even if he suspects you're not really interested. Don't be an expert about any of it; let him do the talking. Wait for him to ask about your stuff. It may take several months, mind, so in the meantime find other people to enthuse about med school with.

Something I've noticed over the past couple decades is how there's a certain kind of very successful professional man who keeps his work life separate from home. Quite capable of talking about things other than work, things that interest his wife & non-work friends as well as himself. It's always kind of impressed me. They seem to have an unspoken idea that naturally the wife/friends wouldn't be interested in what they do, so why bore them with it? While that may sound condescending, it's often true. Anyway. They've been a nice model for me sometimes.

amy