Ok, I know that there was already a post on weird husband behavior but I had to start another to vent a bit. I just started orientation last week and of course there is SSOOOO much going on. I am really excited about everything and, naturally, want to talk about it all when I get home. Everytime that I start to talk about stuff, my husband either changes the subject or just walks off!!! aarrgggggghhhh!!!! :banghead: I am so frustrated with him! Not only am I excited about school but I am getting really scared about all of the time it is going to involve and I really don't know how I am going to be able to pull this off and still keep our family going. It wasn't suppose to be this way. We were suppose to be in this together but lately I am feeling like I am doing it alone and that he is bitter that I am going to medical school and he isn't. When we were deciding what to do with our older son after school, I said that it was his call because he was the one who would be home at 3 when garret gets out of class (my husband is a student with all morning classes). He got very huffy and said that ie wasn't just his call because he thought that I was planning on skipping class and leaving anatomy lab early!!!! :yikes: I don't even start dissecting until like 2:30 so how is it that I may be home by 3:00?! I don't know what he is thinking but I'm starting to think that he is going to be sleeping on the couch or someplace else altogether if this doesn't change. I tried telling him how I feel today when he walked off while I was showing him the books and stuff that I got. His excuse was that he was just going to check the mail and was coming right back. In the middle of a conversation?! What was so important that it couldn't wait until I was done? I don't know what else to do and I don't see how I can get through the next four years afraid of talking about my day when I get home. I love him but right now I really don't like him very much!!! Thanks for letting me talk to SOMEONE since I haven't gotten to do that at home.
Emily

A lot of medical schools have free counseling, even for couples. I would look into that, because it does sound like you 2 need to get on the same page! Best of luck!

I truly think that the hubbies have a much harder adjustment than we med students. We're all busy, excited, stressed, etc while they are left trying to pick up the pieces of normalcy because we're gone/busy/stressed all of the time.

Like medschlmom said, you probably have access to some counseling through school. Also, it would probably help your husband if he had some other med school hubbies to commiserate with. Does your school have any sort of spouse organization? Just like only med students can understand what med students go through, only the spouses can understand the challenges of their end of this.

My recommendation is that you tell your husband basically what you had in your post. Also, be sure that you spend some time with him without mentioning school, studying, school friends, etc. (this is a big challenge for me! :boggled:

Emily,
I'm not a med student yet, but my husband does the same thing! He does it when I talk about work, school.......It is SOOOO irritating and rude!! I dont want to sound like a man hater but I think it's a MAN THING! Once I started to make it be known to him what he was doing and how I felt about it, he started trying to be more attentive when Im talking to him even if he's not interested. He still slips though...Ughhh!
-Dana

I don't think its entirely a guy thing. I have to admit that I've been known to zone out when my hubby talks about something of his that I don't find particularly interesting. Maybe since women tend to be better listeners we're less likely to do this, but I imagine that we all do it at some time.

Yeah, you're right. But Im sure you will agree that there is a difference between zoning off and turning your back to the conversation while walking into another room. I think my husband could be more tactful of his disinterest. Hey did anyone see that commercial? I think it was a beer advertisement. A girl is in deep conversation with this guy (they are sitting at a bar), and he is been really attentive, and nodding his head (so it appears anyway), and then it shows the male perspective and the girl is moving her lips but has a guys voice, a football game announcer in fact, talking about the game, because the game is on the TV behind her. It was sooooo funny, my husband and I bursted out in laughter!!! :rotfl:

Life changes and changes in routine are stressful for everyone, and women tend to want to talk it out while men tend to shut down. Your husband probably is anxious/nervous about what all this med school stuff is going to do to him, and is not used to putting emotions into words. I agree with the others that counseling will be helpful for you and he to be able to communicate effectively. Please pursue that soon!

Thanks for all of your responses. I feel better already just from reading them. Some times it helps just to get it off of my chest. Things were better today so long as I didn't talk about class. I did try to talk to him about the skipping thing. I am known for skipping class but it is pretty sporadic and NEVER lab. We were trying to sign up for our son's parent/teacher thing and the only times she had offered were on monday's from 12:30 to 3:15, right during my gross lab. I told him there was no way that I was going to be able to make those times so it would be up to him. He got kinda huffy and said that he had to check his class times because, after all, he has a busy schedule too. Wow, counseling is really starting to look like a winner! I don't think it would have bothered me except that he is taking 12 hours of undergrad and isn't working. I am hoping that things will get better once he gets into his groove when classes start for him in a few weeks. If not, I found out today where the counseling services are located at the school so I will certainly check into it more. Thanks again everyone.
Emily

Emily, Emily, Emily, where do I begin? Making fun of your spouse's 12 credit hours...you are the one thats in medical school. Perhaps he is spending more time around the house than you? Venting online is easy, telling the truth to your spouse is not that difficult, you don't even have to type, tell him how you feel! I want to recomend an author, Wayne Sotile, writes books for the medical community, on medical relationships, or read men are from mars, women are from venus. You are already this upset about his interest, are YOU THAT INTERESTED IN WHAT HE DOES, AND/OR DOES HE KNOW IT? or do you tell your friends that and not him? What is his major? Don't expect a biz major to like med stuff. relax and talk to him, if he knew how you felt, maybe he would want to sleeop elsewhere too!

**Warning-very long post!!**
Emily-
Oh there is so much I can say about this subject, especially because you will unfortunately revisit this craziness a few more times...

There are a few issues to think about #1-you are excited, anxious, edgy, cranky, and nervous about starting a huge new undertaking and may be a little more self-centered than normal (and you absolutely SHOULD be-you have earned it!) #2-he is anxious, edgy, cranky, and nervous (and yes, even excited) about YOUR new undertaking and realizes that now that med school is here things will change (MOST people have a tough time dealing with change) #3-although I'm sure he IS happy for you, he's also afraid that now that you are doing what you have worked so hard for he may his lose his place with you (more figuratively than literally), he's worried that you may meet more interesting people and that he won't really be a part of this "new life". #4-his undergrad courses may not be exactly what he wanted, or harder than he thought, or just less stimulating so he is on some level jealous of your excitement (don't expect that he will ever admit this and he doesn't have to).

These are all totally normal things, and he may not even know what exactly is wrong or be able to put voice to them. I wasn't married when I started med school but I was living with my now-husband and we had the biggest fight the night before I started med school (we almost broke up for good) and it turns out a lot of these factors came in to play. Add in a son who you both want the world for and all of these unspoken emotions just get compounded. We made it, and we also made it through the beginning of clinical rotations and the beginning of residency (which are the next times you will go through this).

Some tips-try to introduce him to your new friends (it always helps to see who is becoming so important to your spouse and your med school friends will end up becoming your best friends for life!), keep talking about it (he needs to know the details even if it doesn't seem like he cares), make sure to ask about him and his classes frequently, try to do something as a family that you all enjoyed doing (go to a park, zoo, McDonald's-whatever it may be that you did before med school) so that things won't seem COMPLETELY different, and by all means make it clear that you will not be able to skip class or lab even if means you may need to ask for some help from a neighbor or hire a babysitter...you just can not do it all at the same time!

Good luck, I'm excited to hear how things are going for you!

Emily,

As a medical spouse, I'll throw my .02 into the ring. You guys have just embarked on a huge life-changing event...a positive one, but one that brings with it many new changes. For you, the excitement and focus is on medical school now...but for hubby I'm sure that he is going through some doubts and fears that he just isn't doing a good job of verbalizing.

How is he feeling about his own career and the direction that his life is taking? Do you think he is feeling jealous or even threatened by this new turn of events..ie...my wife is starting med school and she will be a doctor and I will 'just' be a __________? Even if he is happy for you (which I'm sure that he is), and proud, there may be a little of that green monster popping through :guilty: The SHAME!!! We had only one car, and so I had to pick my husband up from the hospital when he started internship year.....and...there were times that I really, really took my time doing it even though I knew he was tired (I feel horrible admitting this!) because I was angry...our lives had completely turned to focus on him and internship, he was working all of the time, and I was....confused.

Interestingly, we did work this out and settle into a routine...and then when I went back to school to get my MS in mol. bio when he was a fellow, I went through the same thing from him. He had become accustomed to me being responsible for the house, the kids, etc, etc...getting everything done. Suddenly, I was talking about me and my dreams and what I was doing in the lab..and he would completely blow me off and label my studies as a 'silly game', etc...and it was all just because the dynamics of our relationship were changing again. He had suported me through my post-bac classes, had been my cheerleader for the GRE BIO, but when it came to me actually starting school and working towards this accomplishment, he stopped dead in his tracks. The reality was that it was tipping the balance of our relationship again...

I would suggest hiring a sitter and going out with your hubby and talking with him about his life and career, asking him how he really feels about you going to med school (without getting angry with him for walking away from you when you try and talk about things) and taking time to hear things from his perspective as well. This is a time of reorganization of the relationship and will be the first of many on this exciting medical training journey.

Don't take it personally...he's just adjusting the best that he can right now.

Kris

One thing that might help is to find other med students with non-med spouses, and do things together. Your spouse probably has lots in common with other husbands, and although they probably wouldn't have a heart to heart about it, they might be unspoken moral support for each other. Also try hard to maintain any friends you guys had before med school - try to minimize the impression of medical school swallowing you and your former life whole. And be very sensitive to not implying that your time/work is less flexible or more important than his - my husband and I still struggle with this. Explain that it is not an assumption that he has to do the school pickup just because you are in (genuflect) MED SCHOOL, it's only that those particular three hours of the day are hard for you to miss and make up, and that anatomy lab doesn't last forever. When my husband was a resident and I a student, I REALLY resented any hint that his was the real job, and that I was therefore stuck with the errands.
-Diana

Emily,

When my husband does this kind of thing, it means he's angry and tired and feels neglected. He just comes from a family where people don't say these things straight out, and it's hard for him to do that.

I know you're anxious to tell him about all your stuff, but since your stuff probably has priority, you might try keeping it separate for a while. He's probably pretty exhausted himself, and feigning interest in your omnipresent med school may be a little much to ask right now. He may just be trying to avoid conflict by walking away. Ask him about his stuff instead, even if he suspects you're not really interested. Don't be an expert about any of it; let him do the talking. Wait for him to ask about your stuff. It may take several months, mind, so in the meantime find other people to enthuse about med school with.

Something I've noticed over the past couple decades is how there's a certain kind of very successful professional man who keeps his work life separate from home. Quite capable of talking about things other than work, things that interest his wife & non-work friends as well as himself. It's always kind of impressed me. They seem to have an unspoken idea that naturally the wife/friends wouldn't be interested in what they do, so why bore them with it? While that may sound condescending, it's often true. Anyway. They've been a nice model for me sometimes.

amy