Hello,
For those med students, dr.s, etc... with kids. How do you think your relationship with your children is similar to and different from non-mds, and stay-at-home-moms? What do you like about your relationship with your children? What don't you like and wish were different? How have they suffered from your career choice? How have they benefited?
Thanks,
Rebecca

I don't think it has been very different for my kids versus another successful professional. If I took a lot of call or worked really bad hours I am sure it would make more of a difference. I have some of that but not enough to make my kids feel it too much. I have a theory that a reason that male physicians with stay-at-home wives used to avoid their child care-taking role in the past is that there is a tremendous role-dissonance between your role as a doctor and your role as a care-taking (i.e. real)parent. Your kids are not at all impressed by your role in life. They care about how you are with them and how much you are there. You are just their mom, after all. (This may change a bit as mine get older. The eldest is still under 6. We'll see.)

I guess I don't know what that means. What is the difference between the relationship a professional woman has with her kids and a stay-at-home mom has with her kids? My mom stayed home with my sister and I.

I have three kids, 17,14 and 9. The oldest is my daughter and the other two are my sons. My children and I have great relationships. My daughter,despite the fact that I'm not that happy in my career as a physician is thinking about med school-but not family practice(mom, I don't want to work that hard!) and my two boys are always telling me about their friends at school who really like me as their doctor. I think that they are very proud of their mom. On the other hand- I know that sometimes they have resented my coimmittment to my job and going off to a delivery on a Sunday afternoon when they couldbe spending time with me. When my kids were born I instituted something I call a mother and daughter/son's day out. At least once a month I try to spend alone time with each of them. Sometimes it goes longer,but when my kids really need to talk, they just tell me they need a day out with mom. Then I know that they are feeling a little needy or just want my undivided attention. I decided long ago that when I'm away from home-I'm not available to my patients and have had the luxury of being able to do that. My patients respect the fact that I'm a mom AND their doctor too. I think that they have had to learn how to juggle things and that it'snot always easy . I also think that they have learned that there is a lot of pride and respect in being a physician. I hope that they have learned that they are always important to me and that I'm available for them when they need me. That doesn't mean that I don't have my "get away from me" days. Sometimes its overwhelming to be a mom-but I wouldn't trade it for any job in the world. Is it different from being a stay at home mom? I think it's just that-different not necessarily good or bad-just different. We all teach our children what's important to us-whether we work fulltoime,parttime or stay home. You can be a good mother anytime, we all have jobs-it just depends on how you look at it.

tiger@princeton,

I really like the"daughter/son's day out" idea!! .I don't have kids yet, but i'll keep it in mind for the futur :yes:

thanks

I don't know exactly how a relationship is different when you have a profession outside the home, but it is somewhat. You are not available to them all the time and they know you have another kind of important activity besides that centered around the family. My experience of parenting is different and their experience of early childhood is different because I share them with their daycare. Having 2 good incomes and choosing to spend them on childcare, it is a good childcare with wonderful teachers, a great philosophy and parenting classes, etc. In some ways it is very enriching for them, but it is not you 24/7. I hope that makes some sense.

I appreciate the responses. Do you ever feel guilty about not being around? If so, how do you handle the guilt? How do you think your children would be different if you stayed at home? Do you think they benefit from having multiple care givers? Do you think they every feel lost/less grounded because they have multiple care givers?
I guess I can't get it out of my head that I will be the best person to take care of them, and how do you justify giving your children less than the best?

I think these are big questions being addressed in this thread. What I've decided over the yrs, is that moms/parents also grow from being with their young children. If one is working alot, one can miss out on it. The children benefit too, of course. I am very interested in the theory of role-dissonance brought up by FP Mommy - I think I must be suffering from that! Could you bring it up under a separate topic for more discussion?

I had never thought of posting about role-dissonance, but I will try. I guess I will post it in general discussion, but it really only started applying when I became clinical.

To reply about this thread: I haven't really felt guilty about not staying home full time with my children. There are a number of reasons for this. I think the biggest two are: (1) We can afford to pay for great childcare. My babies (now 1 1/2 and 5 1/2) have really gotten a lot out of their experiences there. Even at a really young age they are learning to socialize, and learning that other people care about them and can meet their needs. (2) My husband and I have knocked ourselves out making sure our kids are not there endless hours. Lately we have been slightly overwhelmed, but usually I drop off late and my husband picks up early, so they are not there more than 7 or 8 hours most days, including nap time. As it is I am trying to change my hours so I will hire someone to take them in the morning and be more available in the afternoon.
I watched my mother be a stay-at-home mom. She loved being our mother, but it is really clear to me in retrospect that she needed an outlet for her professional energies because she essentially over-volunteered, and was too omnipresent for us. (She had been an audiologist.) I was a doctor before I had children, and I put an awful lot into getting here and, despite many current headaches with medicine, overall find my job very personally and financially rewarding. I also find home-making chores really unrewarding, which isn't true for many women. I don't feel fulfilled cooking, cleaning and so forth and I am a much better physician than home-maker, so I would not feel very competent if I did only that and would not be very happy over any longer term. I would much rather earn money and pay our weekly housecleaner. In order to get my husband to agree to a second child, I offered to stop working for awhile, but it isn't what I prefer and fortunately he didn't ask me to. I am sort of part-time since child #2, though, and for the time being I haven't been taking call. Actively raising your own children with 2 kids and 2 full-time jobs would be pretty unbearably exhausting for my family, particularly since my husband travels some for his job.
This has turned into a really long thing. Sorry (if you are still awake ). I do hear a LOT from many, many moms about the guilt thing, though, so I hope it may be helpful to hear from someone who hasn't really felt much that way but does do a bunch of things to try to minimize it.

I am feeling guilty at the thought of leaving my son next year. If I already feel sick to my stomach about it, and actually a bit angry about it, do you think that will go away?

This note is to rtolkoff: I really do believe that a lot of your fears and guilt will go away, because once you start something that you have been destined to do..I really think that everything will balance out in your mind..and you will feel okay doing it.

Here is my situation, I am starting school next year (Spring Semester '04) and I will be putting my daughter in daycare (this is a first for me), and I have felt anxiety, fear, and guilt about it, but then I keep reminding myself that it will really be great for her to interact with other kids and she will have so much fun!! Also, I know that she is proud of me for going for my dreams. I am a stay-at-home mom..I work as a medical transcriptionst, but I always knew that there was more for me out there...I need more of a challenge!!!

I hope this helps a little.
Take care,
Beckie

I hope that when school starts that I will find some peace. But it seems that some people just don't, and they regret their decision. I suppose I could always quit school, I'm just trying to see if I'm more like those who feel like throwing in the towel, or more like those who find some balance they can live with. I do understand that I will always feel torn, and when I work hard at one thing, the other will suffer. I just can't get my mind around the piece of making my kids suffer.

Hi - I'm a resident with a 2-year old and #2 due this summer. I disagree with the "making kids suffer" line of thought. I stayed home for 3 months with her, then worked part time for about a year before starting residency. Now she is in daycare, as my husband is also an MD. She loves daycare, and is fundamentally a happy kid. A good daycare center is stimulating, they are professionals at thinking up cool things to do, and there is the socialization with other kids. She has lots of friends there and looks forward to it each day. She and I are still as close as ever, and I have not noticed increased clinginess or tantrums or anything negative (OK, more colds, but we deal). So I think you need to go into this with the attitude that you are making a decision that is best in the long run, and that she will be just fine with whatever you do (how would she know any different?).

I do wrestle with guilt from time to time, when I've had a particularly tough week and not seen her much, but I am comforted by the fact that she does just fine without me (thanks to daddy and grandparents). But when I was thinking about residency, I couldn't stand the thought of regretting the path not taken! I knew I would be a happier and better mom as a professional. I think guilt is just part of motherhood, no matter what choices you make.

-Diana

I really agree with Diana. I don't feel guilty. My daughter is 1 1/2 and is in full time daycare which means I get stuff done (I see patients 4 days a week). She loves her teacher, I know the place since my son went there before she did, and she's doing great. She started at 8 months, and my son started at 1. I was home with them at first, and I think that's nicer for the tiny babies just because even in a great daycare it's not 1:1 most of the time and at that point mostly it's about snuggling and feeding and changing. The other reason is because they'll get sick a bunch at first, and if you can delay that it's nicer and maybe safer than a sick newborn. But I honestly don't feel guilty. I love my work, I love my kids, they love me. My husband is really involved with them and it's not like any of us are asking whether HE should work or not!

I get home with both kids around 4pm 4 days a week (I work one night) and it feels like a good balance between work and home time. I hired weekly housecleaners a year ago, and just had my first personal chef day last week. This is a BIG bonus, because one of my frustrations was coming home to play with the kids and then having to spend time in the kitchen. Now it's all frozen and all I have to do is microwave or bake and make pasta or rice. BIG IMPROVEMENT over my frustration before.

I would encourage others to look into a personal chef too. (I'm not using but a friend of mine is one). They can actually be surprisingly 'affordable'.

Try these links.. http://www.personalchef.com/
http://www.hireachef.com/

Sethina