I just read the "I quit..." article in the newsletter and it really hit home! I, too, would "quit" life right now if I could! I stopped working as a physician 3 yrs ago when my oldest was still an infant. I now have 3 kids under 4 yrs (the most recent one was a big surprise) and am going somewhat crazy staying at home with them. My husband, also a physician, works full-time and then some to support us (though we still spend more than we make). Given my deteriorating tolerance of staying home and our similarly deteriorating financial situation, I've been thinking of going back to work but feel competely trapped! Short of a full-time nanny who can handle all three little kids (a rarity in our town), I can't go back and even if I did, I doubt my income would much exceed the cost of the nanny. Our multiple stressors are building up (new baby, increasing debt) and straining our marriage. My husband has just signed up for a 5 day CME in the fall so he'll be on what I consider a vacation while I"m here alone with our very demanding kids. I resent that my education has been completely ignored for 3 years and we are spending quite a bit of money to continue his. I don't usually feel resentful of him so I know things must really be getting to me. My primary coping mechanism in life has been friends, but frankly I don't know anyone right now with similar issues.

Has anyone out there experienced anything similar? If so, how did you handle it? I know that time will make many issues better (after all, colic and the terrible 2's do pass), but meanwhile we're accumulating debt and my brain is atrophying!!!

I am staying home with only one demanding 3yo, and that can drive me crazy at times, so I can just imagine how hectic it would be to have 3 under 4! But certain parts of my situation are similar to yours, so I thought I would post anyway. My husband is also a physician, and he also feels free to go away for educational activities and vacations with his teenagers. I know that these things are important to him and have not asked him not to go, but it sure is harder when he is not here. And his income (including moonlighting) is not enough to cover all our expenses.

As for your education, I guess the first thing you need to decide is whether you might ever go back to being a physician. If so, then it is actually relatively painless to do CME at home. A lot of journals offer free CME to paid subscribers, and there are a lot of web sites that offer free or cheap CME. I would just hold a journal in one hand while nursing the baby! Or maybe your husband could give you a break every once in a while to do CME in peace and quiet. I have kept up in my field plus general medicine, and have met the licensing requirements for my state as well. Also, how would your dh feel about doing that type of CME rather than going away for an expensive course?

As far as child care, I don't know what to tell you, since I have not crossed that bridge yet. The most I have done is have a 13yo neighbor come over and watch my dd while I work on the computer or cook or whatever. She charges $5 an hour and my dd really enjoys playing with her. As far as a nanny being able to handle 3 little ones, the people I know who have more than 2 kids have had more than 1 nanny at a time. The cheapest childcare you are going to find is your husband or another family member who loves the kids (if you have any that are competent and willing to do it).

As far as money, that is a tough one. You might think of the debt as an investment in your children's well-being, to be paid off later, when you are back in the working world. Or you might decide to take a good hard look at all your expenses and see what you can do without. There are tons of books out there about living frugally, and my favorite ones are "Your Money or Your Life" by Joe Dominguez and Vickie Robin, and "The Tightwad Gazette" series by Amy Dacyczyn (not sure of the spelling of her last name!).

I know my situation is not as extreme as yours, but I can definitely relate to what you are going through right now. Feel free to PM me if you ever need to talk (though I am new here and not sure how PM works, lol). Take care!

I think we come from a generation where we truly believed we could do it all. As Mom MD's with young children, we suddenly have to face the delusion we have been living in....

I too, have struggled. After years of supporting my husband in med school, and now residency, I sort of mentally snapped. I felt like I was barely managing, especially as a mother and wife, and felt like a failure.

I am now working two days a week as a psychiatrist. The work I do is in addictions, interesting but not exactly what I envisioned doing. I feel very good about the amount of time I now have with my three children and the 'home' I have helped create.

I am still looking for a 'spark' in my career-- something that stimulates me but doesn't drain the family. The discrimination is there with part-timers, and I think it is something our generation will have to push for change.

I wish you well. The balance of family and career is a struggle worth fighting for....

I agree that the myth of having it all doesn't seem to apply to most of us in medicine! The women physicians I know who work full time have housekeeper/nannies and don't do much with their kids at all. Maybe they don't want to, LOL! I would have to have Mary Poppins to be able to work full time, but I know I didn't have kids to not be the one to raise them!!

Part time work seems to be the answer, if you have a spouse who can bring in enough to make that feasible. Even then, it can be stressful managing child care. My mother does it for me but even so it's not perfect. My husband is an anesthesiologist, so part time had been working for me till my job situation became a problem (I wrote about it in another topic here).

I think that if it's possible to work as a doc, and you WANT to be a doc, then figure out how to do it. You went into it for a reason, and worked damn hard to get there, right? I do all my CME from home, which isn't as much fun, but it works and it counts. I think it's hard to change--I probably should have quit my job 2 years ago, but fear and inertia likely kept me there. Home and kids and everything make it hard to get time to look for other jobs so you just keep to the same routine.

But if you can't or don't want to, then don't kick yourself. Being a doc isn't the thing that helps the kids when they want you or need you. I am trying to come to terms with that right now.

As I thought your post would be about quitting a medical salaried job, it's humorous to find out that it's home and motherhood that are driving you crazy. Thanks for your perspective; it supports that we all have to find our own way. I'd continue to seek something very parttime, and examine the marriage to be certain he's supportive of your needs.

Thanks for the support. I'm sure I'll reach some sort of a balance someday. Part of what's hard for me is that I really didn't love medicine so having lost the inertia that kept me going, it will be hard to go back. However, I'm not sure what else I'd like to do. For now I am trying to make it through each day with my colicky 2 month old, increasingly independent 20 month old, and willful 3 yr old. My daily (sometimes hourly) mantra is "This too shall pass."

Yes it really will pass, I know ,I raised 5 kids. My husband was a single parent of 3 boys when we met and married. I was in my residency and he was in a fellowship and we both had call every 3rd or 4th night. We couldn't find a house keper so we had to stagger our call. After graduation I found part time work and we had 2 girls 18 months apart. Child care was always crazy making. I slowly increased my hours as the kids grew and went full time when the youngest was in highschool. Now the oldest is 40 and the baby is 24. All fairly well adjusted adults. Yes there were days I felt like life was crazy but I'd do it all over again in a flash

I only have two. I went with day care from the beginning, and took positions that allowed me to get to the day care center before it closed. It was tough until the younger kid was old enough to read quietly (about five.) After that, it was okay, although I find that teenagers are more trouble than two year olds. The kids come into the clinic and hospital and do their homework or round with me. (The seven year old has her own white coat, scrubs, etc. She's like a mascot in the hospital.) The fourteen year old is at a difficult age, but next year she will be old enough to be a volunteer and then I will be able to teach her minor procedures.

Child care is always an issue, we are doing the daycamp/daycare juggle with the 4 squirts. I'm doing part time now and it is wonderful!! Three office days per week, one weekend day per month and a few evening shifts, yahoo!! I absolutely could NOT stay home full time, I love my kids dearly but I am not a SAHM at heart and bow in amazement at anyone who can do it!!
I like my job most days, perhaps you just need to get to work one or two days a week to get the feel for things again, NO Call allowed! That is really the biggest issue for most people, call is stressful and interferes with family life so much. Hang in there it gets better, I have two who can actually do up their own seatbelts!! Amazing what little things one can be grateful for.

love the suggestion about getting white coat and scrubs for the little ones, thanks it's on my list, and considering what a fight it has been to get my kids into carseats I know the gratitude that comes with little things like that