Hi, ladies. I'm new and quite glad to have found this site. I have been having a hard time for a while now and hope maybe to get honest opinions. I know I have to make my own decision about whether or not I can live without having a bio child, but it isn't so easy when you have nothing to compare to, you know?

I am a Stepmom to two....boy age 12 and girl age 10....and my husband has joint custody. I have been married for 3 years. Husband had a vasectomy a year before I met him. His rationale was to never let anyone try to take his kids again....which is partly true. But in being honest with himself, he just doesn't want to go down that road again. He never wanted kids period. My stepson was not planned...at least by my husband. Regardless, he loves his siblings greatly and didn't want his child to be an only child, so he agreed on the second. Fast forward some years...his now ex-wife cheated, ugly ugly divorce filled w/false legal allegations ensued, etc etc. Even though I knew he had the V, I also knew we could go for a reversal or do sperm retrieval for IVF. So I was the naive woman who thought, "it'll be different because he loves me".

:rolleyes:

Well, yes he loves me. Loves me dearly. But he soooo doesn't want another child. I've battled him for these 3 years. And, truly, I am confused about WHY anymore. Initially, I wanted a baby but a large part was also not wanting to NOT be the woman who had his baby, you know?

Then I got obsessed. Baby baby. REAL feelings about it. But still mixed in jealousies and a feeling of lacking control....basically, he won't tell me no, I'll make my choice.

I'm going on too much here. So let me say he refuses the reversal. He might very begrudgingly give in to the IVF, but financially that would be a hard hit. I got so desperate I brought up donor sperm insemination.

Of any of the options, he'd pick donor sperm...easiest, less financially strapping, and the biggie that worries me....not his.

Is it worth it?

I don't know.

Right now I have the work of a Mom when we have his kids, but no appreciation or unconditional love. My stepkids are not bad kids, but I am not their Mom.

I don't know if it is worth it to essentially have a baby my husband really doesn't want.

I am more confused than words can say.

I don't know anymore how much I want a baby. I DO want one, but I get blinded by "baby" and feel happy. THen I think about the future and trying to manage everything, and then I am

And how much is this really about not giving in? How much is it about feeling inferior in some way in this steplife, etc etc.

I'm trying desperately to soul search and figure it out.

My husband is a great guy. He loves his kids. But I know the major responsibility of a new child will fall on me. Financially, we are dependent on my career.

How to manage it all? Is it worth it? How the heck do I know?

3 years ladies. There is so much in my head, that confusion reigns. I talk to people, but I don't have the motherhood experience. HOW do I decide with nothing to compare to?

:banghead:

:grouphug:

it sounds to me like you really want a baby - I think the conversation should continue, difficult as it is

Whoah, I know this is a tough topic! My girlfriend "talked" her husband into another baby - really against his will - and she told me in her case it was a real problem. She loved her son, of course, but especially when he was little ALL the work fell on her. So many nights she spend exhausted with that little guy only to have her husband roll over with an "I told you it would be like this." Snore. Um...they're divorced now. So obviously there was more going on than this baby thing. But I do know that she was like a single parent except she also had to take care of her husband - not a happy picture!! I don't know how you and your husband would handle this, but certainly in a perfect world you would have a meeting of the minds before bringing another human being into the mix. Best of luck to you, the baby pull is strong...I hope he comes around!!

I was engaged many years ago to a man that had had a vasectomy. Knowing that the chance of it being reversed back then was low, I told him I couldn't marry him because I wasn't sure how I'd feel if I couldn't have children (he was totally against ANY other options and already had children). It took a LOOOONG time to get over him but I'm so glad I did. Even though I divorced my first husband, the joy I feel being a parent trumps ANY relationship. And since I'm now happily remarried, things did work out in the end.

I say be careful with sacrifices. Having a good husband is great, but not if it's at the expense of YOUR lifelong goals and dreams. I always say that the "right man" for a woman is the one who can help her see ALL her dreams fulfilled.

Just my 2 cents.

path,
Could've said it more precisely. I totally agree with you on this topic. I had a friend that was having a tough time convincing her hubby to have kids after 15 years of relationship! Now she is 40, talked the husband into it but she is having a hard time conceiving. I have met her husband and he said once - "pregnant women are everywhere, it is like a decease or something ". I honestly would never consider having kids with a man that didn't want any. I think it is a bad idea.

Difficult situation. I would be wary of "forcing" him into something he doesnt really want because I would be afraid he would resent me. However, if he loves you as much as he says he does, he should at least try to understand how you feel about the situation and at least attempt to be open minded. Do you think he might consider going to a family therapost where you can have someone mediate your conversations so that they dont get out of hand and maybe get to the root of his fears and the problems. And when it comes down to it, really decide what it is you want.

Hi StepLife, I am engaged to a man with a 10yr old and a 12 year old who has had a vasectomy,,, what are the odds???? Anyways, I have 2 children of my own and I wasn't sure if I were going to have more or not. He ws, however, open to the reversal or adoption ( I was really looking toward foriegn adoption and did tons of research). I have chosen to focus on the children we have and my career and have come to the conclusion that I will not be having any more babies. Now, on the other hand, your situation is different and I'm going to be blunt. Motherhood is the most facinating, wonderful, gradifying, challenging, and absolute best feeling in the whole entire world. I really can not compare anyhting to the feeling you get when you give birth and have your very own child. I am sure you love your step kids as I love mine, however, there is nothing in the world comparible to having your own child. That is something, in my opinion, that no woman should be denied. I would much rather be a single mom than be married with no kids. That's just my personal opinion. Kids are difficult, but if there is anything in the world that is worth the challenge, it is being a mom. This feeling of wanting children is an inate feeling and it will never go away. If you truly want your own biological children, that you need to really express that to your DH and figure out what is best for the both of you. Women are blessed with the ability to bear children and the emotions, feelings, and rewards that comes along with that. Do not deny yourself of that if that is what you truly want. I love my children more than I could possibly love another human being in this world and I would think and hope that most moms would agree. There is nothing in this world that could semi compare to being a mom and you need to look into your heart and decide what you really want and what is really important. These are just my :twocents: and I speak from my heart. If I had to choose medicine, husband, or anything else next to my babies, obviously babies would be the choice. My children is what makes me me, nobody, nomater how important or how much I love them, could change that!

Amen pschmom1! I couldn't have said it better myself!!! I too have biological children and a step-son and I love him like my own ... but I really wanted to share a child with my new husband and we are planning 2 more.

Good luck to you StepLifeMom

Thanks, ladies. I appreciate all your comments.

DH and I spoke more about it over the weekend....or I should say I spoke about it and he tried desperately not to talk about it OR upset me.

It is just a brick wall i keep running in to. He really really doesn't want the baby path again.

I don't want to be without him.

I don't have an answer. I'm just so tired. It just doesn't go away. It eases and then something stirs it up.

He won't go to counseling...brought that up a long time ago and since then as well.

I don't know.

:banghead:

:banghead:



:banghead:

It sounds like the vas reversal is an absolute no. but what about the donor insemination? I don't think you should push him, just keep the conversation going.
My sister's husband had twenty-yr old twins when they had their baby together. this is it for their family.
maybe spending time with blended families could help shed some light

My 40th birthday is right around the corner. Tick tock, tick tock.

Insight from the trenches: insist on the baby or move on. You won't regret it.

Well said doctormom