I will ask the psych counselors when I'm at work today. (And they'll probably call their consulting psychiatrist, just because they're great.) One of them hooked us up with the most amazing therapist, who has done a lot of good for him. He's just so... so... stuck.

I broached inpatient/28d rehab with him. He says he'll think about it. And I looked over my insurance stuff. I suppose I really shouldn't care about the cost. There are a couple of nice places here in FL - again, if we're going to do it, we'll do it right. And again, I can always ship him off to Hazelden.

Thanks for your input ladies. I have heard it plenty of times, but re-voicing it helps organize a strategy. And having my in-laws here makes it even more clear.

DocM, I really appreciate you as a sounding board. It's sometimes hard to see the forest for the trees... and my compass doesn't always work. I've been dealing with this for nearly 8 years, but it's been a lot of ups and downs, and lately, it's been more like the stock market.

Oh, and he's really probably a dual-diagnosis case... he has crippling anxiety and a strong family history of depression, so that is a huge part of it.

Not to mention the chronic medical issues. He's a train wreck...

Popcorn, you write so eloquently. I have nothing to say except I am very sorry for what you're going through, and as DocM said, you both deserve better. It sounds like he had a hard time adjusting to the move. Do you think he would do better if you guys moved back to the hometown? (I don't mean to give advice, just curious.)

Popcorn, I truly hope things work out for the best (whatever that may be) and hate that you both have to go through this pain.

I don't know what FL is like for human/social services, but I currently work at a government mental health facility (in- and out-patient) that also provides AODA services. If there is an equivalent in your county/city/state, it could be a huge source of information for you. They may be able to provide a great list of locations that do exceptionally well co-occuring, younger populations.

Florida is known as one of the original Drug/Alcohol Court sites, so I would hope the treatment would follow as being innovative and effective.

Keep your head up- it is easy to see from your post that you are a strong woman. Just make sure you continue to take care of yourself and your needs too- it sounds as if that has been a source of support during these hard times.

I just wanted to add how impressed I am with you and how much I respect you for what you are doing. In todays society, it seems that most people get married when it seems like fun, and when times get tough, they just walk away. Your commitment to your husband in his time of need is very admirable.

I recently read an article in a local magazine from a woman dealing with an alcoholic husband. She pointed out that she would not abandon her husband if he had a physical illness, and so is committing herself to him with his mental illness.

Mental illness is different, and addiction as well, and sometimes the right thing to do for the ill person is to walk away. However, I really admire your fortitude and courage in continuing to look for ways to help your husband and your ability to see him for who he is--a wonderful man, with a terrible problem.

I agree with rydys - well said.

For what it's worth, at least for a little more perspective anyway, one of my most challenging patients was a really charming 60- something smoker, "social drinker" referred to me years ago for a mild polycythemia ( I'm in Heme Onc) , no doubt due to his smoking. I never really did much for him for 2-3 years other than monitor his CBC and get on my soap box about his smoking, but we bonded somehow (probably due to our common Irish heritage) and so we'd fill the 20 minute visits with chatting. About a year ago, his hct and platelets started to drop and I thought I felt his spleen, so I wondered if maybe there was something else going on in his bone marrow, though I remembered him telling me he at times drank "more than he should." So I imaged his abdomen and he had signs of advanced cirrhosis with splenomegaly and varices. He openned up to me about his true drinking habits and I told him he had to stop and that I'd help him. We found outpatient programs, gave him alprazolam for his anxiety, antidepressants for his depression, set him up with counselors, but he would come back every few weeks, often with his wife, telling me he was unable to go into counseling because he couldn't see himself as a "drunk" , unable to stop, that he would ask his wife to go buy more alcohol for him when he was too hung over to get more, that he'd drink the wine he made her order at dinner, knowing he himself shouldn't even consider ordering it.

Eventually, he went to Betty Ford (yeah, he must be loaded) and got sober. He's had a few relapses ( the stock market fall triggered one) but I think he has finally realized that this is a disease that he has to confront everyday with conscious choices about how he is going to live his life. All along I've had at time weekly visits with him often going way over the time allotment, phone calls to him when he was drunk and desperate and just needing someone to tell him not to give up, talks with his counselors, talks with his wife...

I tell you all of this because as I said he was one of my most challenging patients, period, and I am in hematology/oncology which is in general filled with very challenging patients on a daily basis ( not to discount what anyone else does, but it is a difficult field, we don't have a lot of "wins" ). It was difficult emotionally for me and I wasn't married to him. What you are going through is very very tough, but there is hope. If I didn't articulate it well before, I do commend you on all your strength and your commitment to helping someone who is obviously a wonderful man for whom you care about deeply. Good Luck

Well, the decision has been made: inpatient residential rehab. We're waiting to hear back from his therapist for additional recommendations, but the psych guys at work came through with some really good recommendations.

We shall see, and I will keep you posted.

Hooray! There is always hope for recovery in alcoholism. My brother is an alcoholic and has been in and out of treatment for years, but has been sober for the past couple of years through a church-run treatment program in Florida (Fort Myers area). It is not a 12 step program but it worked for him!

Popcorn,
I hope you are able to find an Al-anon program. Many times the inpatient programs have extensive family programs too. You need the support and fellowship of others going through the same thing.

Breaking point.

His parents have been here; we thought that was the strongest deterrent to drinking. He was raised in a strict non-drinking family, so certainly, their presence would do it.

But no, he did the opposite, and careened off the deep end. More whisky. Frankly drunk. Stumbling around, always denying, denying, denying. Even got behind the wheel - still denying, until his father made him pull over.

I worked last night, and when I woke up at 11:30 I found a couple of messages from his therapist. She had found another place that might work.

I spent all afternoon on the phone trying to sort out insurance. And almost gave up. About 5:00, the place we'd been trying to work with called back to "check in." Everything else had fallen though. I gave them my credit card number for the deductible and packed him a bag. He was falling-down by now, slurring every word, barely able to walk to the car, but denied alcohol... "it's the Klonopin."

I left at 6:00, and drove him 3 hours. And dropped him off, and he's their problem now.

They called an hour later to clarify his insulin dosing, and casually mentioned that he'd blown a 307. Meaning, he was 400+ when we left. Strong work, hon, strong work. You're just like my patients. But I'm not as worried about your little mammillary bodies anymore - you don't have Korsakoff... you're just really drunk. Again. He was in a blackout ALL the way there. All 3 hours, constantly reminding him that yes, he'd eaten dinner, and no, I wouldn't just stop for a sandwich, and yes, I'd packed his cell charger for the 6th time. I could have strangled him. I ended up blowing up at him... after nearly 3 hours of inane chatter, he commented that he didn't think I was appreciating what he was doing for me by going.

I let him have it. How he was lucky I hadn't divorced him years ago, how I shelter and clothe and support him, and how dare he think that he was doing me a favor when he was lucky to still be alive at this point.

I'm sure he won't remember it, but it shut him up for a few minutes. I swear, I could have strangled him.

I found a 1.5L bottle of whisky mostly full once I got home. No surprise.

So he's there for a solid month. And I haven't quite rectified how I will know if it works, but I have decided that I cannot take it any longer. And if that means divorce, sending him back to his parents, and praying that he doesn't kill anyone else when he goes, so be it.

I'm a little angry tonight, if you couldn't tell. I spent all 3 hours home talking to various family members, who have been very supportive. But now, I will clean, and purge (and find bottles, no doubt), and give them to my nursing staff because I'd rather SOMEBODY get some enjoyment from my misery. And if I pour it in the grass, with my luck, my dogs would drink it.

And that last thing I need are a bunch of drunk border collies.

Sigh. It's going to be a long but a very short month.

Posting from my iphone.

Congratulations on this bold move. I am sure that you feel gutted right now.

I hope you can use this month to take care of you, because you deserve it!

Hugs,

Kris