To preface, many of you know about husband's issues. I'm pretty upfront about it, partly because it's one of those "uncomfortable" areas... something you don't ask about, something "good people" aren't saddled with. I just need to vent a bit. Alcoholism is a b1tch.

So he's been trending downward for some time. He started drinking in college, and we just blamed the fraternity, figuring he'd "grow out of it." Well, he did manage to get a job, but kept drinking. And somewhere along the way developed some pretty severe situational anxiety. I don't know if the anxiety prompted the drinking or the drinking led to the anxiety, but 8 years later, I have a nearly non-functional husband. I uprooted him from his job to move cross country for residency and he never found another. He managed to get sober after getting REALLY sick - pancreatitis, but fell off the wagon. He went to AA but never participated. He has become more and more withdrawn, and it is pulling teeth to get him to commit to anything. Do anything. Go anywhere.

In the last year, since finishing my residency, it is much more prominent to me that this is "the rest of my life" - the part after training, when all those long-delayed dreams come to fruition. And so I'm embracing it. All of it. Traveling, spa days, girlfriends, all of it. And he is completely stuck, stranded in a deep pit of hopelessness and apathy. So I'm going on as best I can, trying to remember my alanon principles. I've been all over the country, I've been taking care of myself, nurturing my personal safety-net of contacts, trying to vent, and needing to go to more al-anon meetings. Yes, I know. But my schedule is weird, and I live in the middle of nowhere. Hence, limited times. But I swear, I will start going again.

It's driving me crazy.

My in-laws are visiting this week. He has been super stressed about this, partly because he's trying to quit, and partly because he's anxious about everything. (He thinks that they don't know he fell off the wagon. Not that he's actually been on it for years.) You name it, he stresses. I wonder if his baseline stress is simply elevated from lacking the powerful depressant of alcohol. He's on benzos, and his PCP is wonderful. (ie not me, because I passed that part a long time ago.) He was supposed to have quit last week, but I keep finding beer. Note that he's never been good at hiding it. But I hate being "bad cop." HATE IT. HE IS THE ONE WITH THE DISEASE! And it's a disease, a powerful, all-encompassing disease that he fails to recognize will kill him. That, or the insulin-dependent diabetes he's developed by killing his pancreas. He had his first real bout of insulin-induced hypoglycemia and collapsed on me yesterday. I put two and two together, and got some OJ in him, but it scared the crap out of him. And he stumbled around like a drunkard the rest of the day. (Note that even in his heaviest drinking days, he wasn't generally falling-down drunk, just relaxed and glassy-eyed. "Just." Ha.)

So tonight, I caught him with a 5th of whiskey. Actually 2 of them, but only one opened. Which explains why he looked so fricking drunk the other day. He's never really turned to whiskey - at least not swigs out of the bottle, as far as I know.

I can't take much more of this. I have only in the last 3 months begun threatening. I only hope that him realizing what he may lose is enough to turn him around. Me, his home, his insurance, his financial stability and his way of life. I just don't think he gets it. Hell, I know he doesn't get it. Because that would be Step 1.

I told him he has to do a 90-90. (Addiction lingo for 90 AA meetings in 90 days.) His therapist has been pushing for ANY meetings, which he has vehemently opposed. Why, I don't know. I used to understand him, but he is so lost in this damn disease that not much makes sense. He agreed. He'll probably try to weasel out. But I really can't put up with this for much longer. I don't know how much longer his body will put up with this. He's only 31 years old. And at the rate we're going, I'll be divorced or widowed (more likely) in the next 10-15 years. He's got pretty crummy luck. (ie not only had multiple bouts of pancreatitis, but managed to grow an obstructing pseudocyst that required an ex-lap). Maybe he needs more tattoos (he has none) and less teeth (I've paid for a LOT of dental work) to make him more resilient like my chronic alcoholic patients.

I'm just really frustrated about this.

God, Grant me the Serenity
To Accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

Thanks. I just needed to get that out.

Yes, alcoholism is a bitch. All addictions are a bitch.

Don't threaten anything you're not willing to follow through on. It might be about time to start following through now.

Very sad. Hugs to you.

I agree with AnnaM. Sounds like a very difficult situation for you.

I am wondering how things would turn out if he did do this 90-90 and became sober. Would you still want to be with him, knowing that he still has the potential to fall off the wagon? Do you still love him as a husband and life partner? I am not trying to be judgmental -- no "right" answers to these questions -- just trying to clarify what is your ultimate goal. Do you want to be with him forever, hopefully in a healthy state, or do you want him to get healthier so that you can leave him and get on with your own life?

It sounds like Al-Anon has been very helpful to you and maybe there is some way you can still participate, even from out in the middle of nowhere. Do they have online meetings? Forums like this where you don't have to meet at a specific time?

Good luck with this very difficult situation.

So sorry to hear about this Popcorn - alcoholism is such a devastating disease with both physical and psychological components that make it so difficult to treat. The emotional effects on spouses and other relatives are horrendous too.

It sounds like your husband is in real trouble. His health is in serious jeopardy. He has suffered major and life threatening complications from his continued drinking and as difficult as it is for me to say this, if he doesn't stop soon, his disease will likely take his life. You are right, his ongoing denial is going to kill him eventually. Chronic pancreatitis with IDDM from alcoholism at age 31 is not a good prognosis. From a medical perspective, he should not drink again.

I am not saying that to be cold, but to be honest. I think you are aware of how sick he is too.

I think he really needs help - at the very least the 90 - 90 you mentioned but maybe even an inpatient detox program where he can get the medical and behavioral treatment he needs. His medical situation is getting complex and he might be at risk for DTs. He also sounds tremendously depressed, which may be due to the drinking or in part leading to it.

Inpatient treatment for him will also give you some space and time to decompress and assess what your goals are with him - the issues SAHMD brought up.

It may really be time for an ultimatum - either he gets treatment or you leave. You have to be ready to follow through though, and maybe only when everything he has is taken away from him will he finally be ready to get treatment, when he's got nothing else to lose. Watching someone you love slowly kill himself is a burden no one should have to carry. Obviously walking away is immensely hard too, but I don't see how things can continue on indefinitely the way they are now. You both deserve a better life than this.

Hang in there - looks like you have some tough choices ahead of you, and we are all wishing you well.

I'm so sorry...alcoholism really is a terrible disease.

Would he consider in-patient treatment?

Kris

I'm just dropping in to say that appreciate your honesty. And to also say that you'd be VERY suprised ( or maybe not) the number of people who in the same situation as you, dealing with an "addict" of some sort.....................

Thanks guys. And yeah, I know it's common. But it's not something people generally bring up.

And yes, I know that this is going to kill him. I know that the M&M of diabetes is going to land him on dialysis before cardiac disease likely gets him, and not until he's suffered a lot of vascular complications. He doesn't actually have chronic pancreatitis... yet - has always spiked a lipase/amylase. I fully realize in all the doctor ways how bad this is. Maybe I'm splitting it, but I can see him clinically from a distance, which is mostly what I've been doing lately.

I've known him since we were kids - waaay back in elementary school. I have seen him get sober, and then he's the "old self." It's really rather amazing. He's the guy who sent me mushy love letters, and takes the trash out, and surprises me with flowers.

I have only recently gotten to the point where I am threatening to leave, partly because up until now, I was in training and really needed someone at home. And really, for an alcoholic, he's been a fairly reliable guy... feed the dogs, etc. But he's really in a freefall now. It's been worse since we've moved, and he's really cut off. (He used to be very functional - he worked and we lived off his salary in med school.

So anyway, I don't really have a plan, because, well, I'm an ER doc and the situation is always changing. But it's on the radar now. I'll admit that I'd have a lot to lose too, so I am hopeful that he will get better. As in, sober. I can deal with the rest. The lying is what gets to me the most.

He really can't go on the way he is. We've talked about inpatient or even intensive outpatient, and he isn't "there" yet. Maybe I should ship him to Hazelden. I don't know...

I do take those vows seriously. And I have lots of other fulfillment... and how would I forgive myself for letting him succeed in throwing it all away? (I know that sounds very codependent. But it's something I don't know if I could deal with very well. I do save people for a living, after all.)

For the record, I know he's very, very depressed, which complicates the matter further. He's not suicidal, at least not last time I asked.

Oh, and just how does one go about arranging inpatient treatment? I figured only celebrities did that. He's been in once for "detox" but it was 3 days on the psych ward, and he swore he wasn't going to do that again.

Not just celebrities. There is probably a phone number on the back of your insurance card to call for mental health issues. I would start there, or call the local alcohol rehab unit directly. They can arrange an intake interview and evaluation if your husband is willing.

You could ask your faculty at your training program if they know of any good programs near you, or find out if there is an addiction medicine specialist at your medical center who may be able to guide you. Also, there is a American Society for Addiction Medicine (ASAM) website that has a Resources Link tab that takes you to a list of programs as well as a program finder.

Hope you are taking care of yourself in this difficult situation. I fear I may be guilty of what I always accuse my husband of - giving advice when all I really want him to do is listen to me vent. But your situation does seem quite serious and therefore it is hard for me to refrain from offering some advice.

I am hoping you both get through this. You said it well - alcoholism is a bitch.

I will ask the psych counselors when I'm at work today. (And they'll probably call their consulting psychiatrist, just because they're great.) One of them hooked us up with the most amazing therapist, who has done a lot of good for him. He's just so... so... stuck.

I broached inpatient/28d rehab with him. He says he'll think about it. And I looked over my insurance stuff. I suppose I really shouldn't care about the cost. There are a couple of nice places here in FL - again, if we're going to do it, we'll do it right. And again, I can always ship him off to Hazelden.

Thanks for your input ladies. I have heard it plenty of times, but re-voicing it helps organize a strategy. And having my in-laws here makes it even more clear.

DocM, I really appreciate you as a sounding board. It's sometimes hard to see the forest for the trees... and my compass doesn't always work. I've been dealing with this for nearly 8 years, but it's been a lot of ups and downs, and lately, it's been more like the stock market.

Oh, and he's really probably a dual-diagnosis case... he has crippling anxiety and a strong family history of depression, so that is a huge part of it.

Not to mention the chronic medical issues. He's a train wreck...

Popcorn, you write so eloquently. I have nothing to say except I am very sorry for what you're going through, and as DocM said, you both deserve better. It sounds like he had a hard time adjusting to the move. Do you think he would do better if you guys moved back to the hometown? (I don't mean to give advice, just curious.)

Popcorn, I truly hope things work out for the best (whatever that may be) and hate that you both have to go through this pain.

I don't know what FL is like for human/social services, but I currently work at a government mental health facility (in- and out-patient) that also provides AODA services. If there is an equivalent in your county/city/state, it could be a huge source of information for you. They may be able to provide a great list of locations that do exceptionally well co-occuring, younger populations.

Florida is known as one of the original Drug/Alcohol Court sites, so I would hope the treatment would follow as being innovative and effective.

Keep your head up- it is easy to see from your post that you are a strong woman. Just make sure you continue to take care of yourself and your needs too- it sounds as if that has been a source of support during these hard times.

I just wanted to add how impressed I am with you and how much I respect you for what you are doing. In todays society, it seems that most people get married when it seems like fun, and when times get tough, they just walk away. Your commitment to your husband in his time of need is very admirable.

I recently read an article in a local magazine from a woman dealing with an alcoholic husband. She pointed out that she would not abandon her husband if he had a physical illness, and so is committing herself to him with his mental illness.

Mental illness is different, and addiction as well, and sometimes the right thing to do for the ill person is to walk away. However, I really admire your fortitude and courage in continuing to look for ways to help your husband and your ability to see him for who he is--a wonderful man, with a terrible problem.

I agree with rydys - well said.

For what it's worth, at least for a little more perspective anyway, one of my most challenging patients was a really charming 60- something smoker, "social drinker" referred to me years ago for a mild polycythemia ( I'm in Heme Onc) , no doubt due to his smoking. I never really did much for him for 2-3 years other than monitor his CBC and get on my soap box about his smoking, but we bonded somehow (probably due to our common Irish heritage) and so we'd fill the 20 minute visits with chatting. About a year ago, his hct and platelets started to drop and I thought I felt his spleen, so I wondered if maybe there was something else going on in his bone marrow, though I remembered him telling me he at times drank "more than he should." So I imaged his abdomen and he had signs of advanced cirrhosis with splenomegaly and varices. He openned up to me about his true drinking habits and I told him he had to stop and that I'd help him. We found outpatient programs, gave him alprazolam for his anxiety, antidepressants for his depression, set him up with counselors, but he would come back every few weeks, often with his wife, telling me he was unable to go into counseling because he couldn't see himself as a "drunk" , unable to stop, that he would ask his wife to go buy more alcohol for him when he was too hung over to get more, that he'd drink the wine he made her order at dinner, knowing he himself shouldn't even consider ordering it.

Eventually, he went to Betty Ford (yeah, he must be loaded) and got sober. He's had a few relapses ( the stock market fall triggered one) but I think he has finally realized that this is a disease that he has to confront everyday with conscious choices about how he is going to live his life. All along I've had at time weekly visits with him often going way over the time allotment, phone calls to him when he was drunk and desperate and just needing someone to tell him not to give up, talks with his counselors, talks with his wife...

I tell you all of this because as I said he was one of my most challenging patients, period, and I am in hematology/oncology which is in general filled with very challenging patients on a daily basis ( not to discount what anyone else does, but it is a difficult field, we don't have a lot of "wins" ). It was difficult emotionally for me and I wasn't married to him. What you are going through is very very tough, but there is hope. If I didn't articulate it well before, I do commend you on all your strength and your commitment to helping someone who is obviously a wonderful man for whom you care about deeply. Good Luck

Well, the decision has been made: inpatient residential rehab. We're waiting to hear back from his therapist for additional recommendations, but the psych guys at work came through with some really good recommendations.

We shall see, and I will keep you posted.

Hooray! There is always hope for recovery in alcoholism. My brother is an alcoholic and has been in and out of treatment for years, but has been sober for the past couple of years through a church-run treatment program in Florida (Fort Myers area). It is not a 12 step program but it worked for him!

Popcorn,
I hope you are able to find an Al-anon program. Many times the inpatient programs have extensive family programs too. You need the support and fellowship of others going through the same thing.

Breaking point.

His parents have been here; we thought that was the strongest deterrent to drinking. He was raised in a strict non-drinking family, so certainly, their presence would do it.

But no, he did the opposite, and careened off the deep end. More whisky. Frankly drunk. Stumbling around, always denying, denying, denying. Even got behind the wheel - still denying, until his father made him pull over.

I worked last night, and when I woke up at 11:30 I found a couple of messages from his therapist. She had found another place that might work.

I spent all afternoon on the phone trying to sort out insurance. And almost gave up. About 5:00, the place we'd been trying to work with called back to "check in." Everything else had fallen though. I gave them my credit card number for the deductible and packed him a bag. He was falling-down by now, slurring every word, barely able to walk to the car, but denied alcohol... "it's the Klonopin."

I left at 6:00, and drove him 3 hours. And dropped him off, and he's their problem now.

They called an hour later to clarify his insulin dosing, and casually mentioned that he'd blown a 307. Meaning, he was 400+ when we left. Strong work, hon, strong work. You're just like my patients. But I'm not as worried about your little mammillary bodies anymore - you don't have Korsakoff... you're just really drunk. Again. He was in a blackout ALL the way there. All 3 hours, constantly reminding him that yes, he'd eaten dinner, and no, I wouldn't just stop for a sandwich, and yes, I'd packed his cell charger for the 6th time. I could have strangled him. I ended up blowing up at him... after nearly 3 hours of inane chatter, he commented that he didn't think I was appreciating what he was doing for me by going.

I let him have it. How he was lucky I hadn't divorced him years ago, how I shelter and clothe and support him, and how dare he think that he was doing me a favor when he was lucky to still be alive at this point.

I'm sure he won't remember it, but it shut him up for a few minutes. I swear, I could have strangled him.

I found a 1.5L bottle of whisky mostly full once I got home. No surprise.

So he's there for a solid month. And I haven't quite rectified how I will know if it works, but I have decided that I cannot take it any longer. And if that means divorce, sending him back to his parents, and praying that he doesn't kill anyone else when he goes, so be it.

I'm a little angry tonight, if you couldn't tell. I spent all 3 hours home talking to various family members, who have been very supportive. But now, I will clean, and purge (and find bottles, no doubt), and give them to my nursing staff because I'd rather SOMEBODY get some enjoyment from my misery. And if I pour it in the grass, with my luck, my dogs would drink it.

And that last thing I need are a bunch of drunk border collies.

Sigh. It's going to be a long but a very short month.

Posting from my iphone.

Congratulations on this bold move. I am sure that you feel gutted right now.

I hope you can use this month to take care of you, because you deserve it!

Hugs,

Kris

Popcorn - I really commend what you are doing.
You are only human - please take this time to breathe. Know that you are not alone.

I'm sure it felt good to really tell him how you feel - even if he doesn't remember it...

Oh, Popcorn. I'm so sorry. Thinking about you.

Popcorn - I'm so sorry - I'm thinking of you too and hoping so much that he gets better.

Popcorn, what a relief! I'm so glad you were able to find him a place. I hope he is able to accept the help they offer. And most importantly, I hope you have a healing, relaxing, wonderful month!

Popcorn- I am glad he went to treatment-I pray it goes well. Take time for yourself and pamper yourself over the next few weeks. I commend you for sticking with him through these times, and hope everything will work out in the end.

Also- I am hoping in-laws are being supportive as well?

My in-laws are being very supportive. I don't think they quite understand the whole "I can't control it" bit (by me, I mean), but they are very loving, caring people. And my MIL has the best controlled Type 2 DM I have ever seen. (Take it with a grain of salt - I'm an ER doc.) It was really interesting watching her try to beat DM management into him. Only sort of worked, but she's got that part down better than I do.

They were probably the straw that broke the camel's back. Which needed to be snapped. I should have done it years ago. But that's water under the bridge.

I got a call yesterday from one of the therapists, but I was at work. Basically, he's stable, detoxing, they'd had an hourlong session, and I would hear back on Monday.

I'm so glad I don't have to worry about him.
Now, I'm slowly disposing of his stash. I took a nice 10yr single malt to a colleage today.

He drank cheap beer, but at least apparently had some taste for scotch. I don't entirely feel vindicated, but at least he did have SOME taste.

My family has been incredibly supportive. My twin brothers, who had their own run-ins with the law and court ordered AA/NA from their teen years added a lot. That, and they make me laugh. And they recovered. Youngest brother is on the 9-year undergraduate program (I think he's up to 9...he's a poet, and algebra threw him for a loop. Several times.) Older once actually graduated with a psych degree and is applying to grad school. But they've been there, tried it all, and have insights that I don't. Did I mention that they're a riot to talk to?

I have a great family. They are part of the reason I'm still somewhat sane.

Thanks for your support, everyone. It means a lot.

I admire your courage Popcorn. Please keep posting if you need to talk. I'm sorry you have to go through all this. Big hug!

Well, it's been a week, and I'm mostly sane.

And it's 2 am, so what better to do than an update.

Turns out, that about 48 hours into his detox, he had a seizure, fell and hit his head. So they shipped him off to the local ED, where he had some lab abnormalities and ended up admitted for a 23h obs. (Sounded like a cardiac r/o, actually. The guy does have some pretty significant risk factors, and may have had some slightly elevated enzymes. I had a chance to talk to him while he was inpatient, and he sounds like he's making some progress. He recognized that he hasn't felt this good in a long time, and he asked me for forgiveness. I told him I wasn't quite there yet, but I'd work on it.

He went back the next day and promptly had another seizure. But this time, someone caught him. Sigh... long story short, I was going to go visit him tomorrow, but he's still detoxing, so he isn't allowed visitors. I'm looking at the bright side, as I haven't had time off in awhile.

I got a lot done today - ripped out the carpet in my closet, laid new bamboo flooring, painted the closet, and then moved everything back in. I'm really proud of myself, as it involved quite a few power tools and a lot of swearing. Heck, I just spent the day as an orthopedic surgeon.

I'm going to meetings, and I think I'm past the anger phase, although right now, I'm just tired and run down. I forked over my credit cards to pay for 3 months upfront: 1 month of intensive inpatient, 1 month of partial inpatient (half days,7 days a week) and 1 month of intensive outpatient, where he'd live in an apartment complex and do half-days of group and therapy.

I figure it's the best shot he has... although I was sort of hoping to spend that money on a new driveway. Oh well... water under the bridge...

Thanks for your support everyone - it really means a lot to me.

Thanks for posting, Popcorn. You have a lot of thoughts and prayers being sent to you from far away. We're so proud of you.

Wow...sounds like things are still very intense for him. I hope it is a welcome change that you are not on the front lines at the moment. Your new closet sounds nice.

So during the 3-month period, would he come back to stay at your home at all? Or would you actually have 3 months of living apart?

A very welcome change indeed. I am going to try to walk at the botanical gardens once a week, and get to at least one al-anon meeting a week.

He'll be there the entire time. I'm really just playing it by ear... and distance isn't always a bad thing. We dated long-distance all through college and it really opened up our communication lines. So well in fact, I'm hoping this little stint will do something similar.

I've been working my tail off, so I haven't really had time to be lonely, but I've been awfully lonely with him here... lots of emotions to work through. I think the solitude will be somewhat good for me. And I do have some visitors coming - my sister will be here for 5 days on Friday.

I love my closet! (I had actually thought about turning it into a "sleeping closet" since it's dark and quiet and big enough to accomidate a twin bed. But I'd probably still have 2-3 dogs want to sleep with me, so the point would be moot.

We have a superwoman in our midst! I am truly inspired by your ability to handle everything that has been going on, continue working, and finding time to renovate your closet!

I hope things continue to work out for you- keep us updated and know that we are thinking of you! :grouphug:

Hi Popcorn. I was just wondering how you all were doing, since you have not updated in a while.

I hope everyone is ok.

Well, since you asked...

Things are sort of in a holding pattern. He's been moved to the "partial hospitalization program," which means he has a little free time in the evenings. I've sort of been dealing with life one day at a time. He sounds like he's getting better, and has managed to finally accept that he's powerless over the alcohol, so that's a start.

He's been talking about coming home for weeks now, and how much he misses me, and home... and I'm fluctuating between wanting him back so we can sort of reestablish normalacy (it's been a tough month), and worry that he'll screw it all up and the last 6 weeks (2 months by then) will have been in vain. So it's sort of complicated.

Work has been eating up a lot of my time, and I just started swimming lessons for the heck of it. (Well, not really. I've been toying with it for awhile... I can swim just fine, but not in a "get exercise in an efficient manner" sort of way. Which is what I want to learn.)

So really, just in a holding pattern, trying not to hold my breath, because we're going to be starting all over.

We'll see.

Popcorn
I hope you have a support network for yourself. Keep on doing that swimming, make sure you are making YOURSELF a priority. And even when he is doing well, keep going to Al Anon or a similar group (or counseling) because alcoholism is a disease of remissions and relapses. We are all rooting for you. I know I am not the only one who has been thinking of you these past weeks.

popcorn, I have tears in my eyes as I'm reading this. My father is an alcoholic. It's such a hard thing even to admit that. The line between helping and enabling/codependency is not an easily distinguished one. I don't know exactly what you're going through, but I do know that it's very hard. If you do decide to walk away, do not feel guilty. Yes, it is a disease, but it is a disease that negatively affects everyone involved, and if it is poisoning your life, you have to do what is right for you.

For his sake, and yours, I hope he is able to recover. You and your husband will be in my prayers.

You are such a strong and compassionate woman to be doing so much for him. As was mentioned before, many others would have walked away long ago. You are truly an inspiration.

Popcorn I have been thinking of you lately too and wondering how you are doing.

I heard this poem by Jane Hirshfield the other day and thought of you. I can't cut and paste it, but here is the link:
http://www.poetryarchive.org/poetryarchive/singlePoem.do?poemId=10741

Hang in there.

Well, it has been 7 and a half weeks since that fateful night. And his time there is drawing to a close.

Over the last couple of weeks, there has been dramatic change in almost everything. He's still at the partial hospitalization program (meetings all day, some free time in the evenings and then a couple more meetings) and he has a little more freedom. He's seen an endocrinologist and is finally showing some accountability for his diabetes. He has embraced the early steps, and admitted that he was sad to realize that the bottle of Norton we picked up on our first anniversary, that we'd been saving, he will never be able to try. Or ever drink again. The whole experience has been eye opening for him. He witnessed someone else having a withdrawal seizure, and realizing that it happened to him scared the socks off him.

He has admitted to a lot of things I never thought he would. He doesn't remember most of his parent's visit - he was blacked out for the majority. He said that he felt like he definitely hit bottom that week, that he just didn't care.

He's put on a decent amount of weight - possibly more than he's ever weighed. (He was down to 125 lbs, and for a 6' guy, that's saying something.) His parents flew down for a family weekend and they have a lot more insight into his disease now.

He calls me every couple of nights, and sounds much like the guy I dated, although lord knows that was a LOOONG time ago. We're going to have to start from scratch, but I have to admit that I'm hopeful. He tells me that he's only of only a handful of "straight alcoholics" at the program, and the majority did both drugs and alcohol. He turned in a guy who tried to buy an insulin needed off him, and sparked a surprising response of solidarity among the others there. (Several of whom confessed that they wouldn't have been able to say no, and probably would have relapsed.) Several of them have.

He sounds like he's got a plan. He certainly doesn't sound like the anxiety-ridden man I delivered there. His therapist is pleased, and overall says that they have done what they set out out to do, and he is as ready as he's going to be.

He has been told in no uncertain terms that he can never take benzos again. (No surprise.) He can never drink again. He must attend AA, find a sponsor, get a job, and he is building a plan for this.

For the first time in a long time, I feel hopeful. I have had my heart broken and my hopes shattered many times, but this whole experience gives me new hope. I'm going to bring him home next week. And we shall start a new chapter.

Or a new book altogether.
Thanks for the support, ladies.
One day at a time...

(PS. I can swim now! And he thinks that joining the YMCA and getting in shape would be good for him too. Yay!)

Oh, my gosh, Popcorn.

WONDERFUL.

I am so hopeful for you both. Thank you for inviting us in and sharing with us. We're all rooting for you and your husband, we really are.

What great news!!!

Yipee!

:goodvibes: so happy for you.

Good for the both of you!! Now you have to write a book about how you got to this point!

Great News!

Popcorn
People do recover from alcoholism. Or technically I guess they are always in recovery. So, there is hope.

Let me tell you about my story. My brother is an alcoholic. I have had no contact with him for over five years, until I had to call him and tell him our father died this winter. One of the hardest things I ever did. Anyway, long story as to why I broke off contact but suffice it to say I was tired of having my whole life jerked around because of him. I was tired of supporting his habit. Finally I told him I could not have any contact with him as long as he was using and drinking and... he chose drugs and alcohol over me. But that was ok. Now he claims to be sober and want to get together. I did tell him way back when that if and when he was sober, he would be part of my family again. And I want to honor that promise. But I am still so cautious as he has lied about not drinking many, many times before. So that is the perspective I am coming from. I am about to give him a second chance. But, I have my boundaries very firmly drawn. I need to protect myself and my family first.

Well, the road is never smooth...

To summarize the summer, he came home and did well for about a month (June), and relapsed in July. It was slow and sneaky, but July 30th he was acting very strangely. He still insisted that he wasn't drinking, so I announced that he obviously had some sore of metabolic derangement, and we were going to the ER to check his labs. (DKA not being a farfetched explanation for his actions.) Anyway, he fessed up, and 2 beers became 6, and his bal was 300.

He wanted a librium taper and refused to go back to residential treatment. He swore he tapered back off, but the behaviors continued, the lying, I found beer, and lots of it.

Our 10th anniversary was the 4th of Sept. By then, things were very much falling apart, and I think I have finally had it. That night, I asked for a divorce.

He's fighting tooth and nail, so he thinks. He's now going to do an intensive outpatient treatment program (3 nights a week for 3 hours each), but I have to admit that I'm skeptical. Very skeptical. I just don't care anymore. We got home from a meeting with our counselor at noon, and I happened to walk around the house as he was putting a couple of beers in the freezer. He just doesn't get it, and saying that he is "doing everything he can" just isn't cutting it.

He has 3 weeks before he flies back to visit his parents, and there's a significant possibility that he won't be coming back. He says he's desparate to save the marriage; I tell him that there's nothing left to save.

So I've played my cards. I just have to make it a few more weeks. My family has been incredibly supportive, and I'm just going to stay busy in the meantime. I just don't see him succeeding, and failure this time, well, I think I've already crossed the line at which point I just don't care.

It takes 2 to make a marriage work, and I've been the only one for the last 7-8 years. And I'm tired of it, and I want out. I'm not working on it anymore, which he apparently doesn't get.

Just figured I'd update you all on my not-so-happily-ever.

I'm so sorry Popcorn. My thoughts are with you.

Popcorn, I've been following your story, and I'm sorry to hear it's turned out this way. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Be good to yourself.

Laura

Sorry Popcorn. I admire you for trying to help him for so long. It sounds like you have done all you could. You will be in my thoughts too.

I'm sorry, Popcorn. But your story might still have a happy ending. You now have the opportunity to live your own life, without always feeling responsible for someone who is not taking responsibility for himself. I do hope that he gets treatment, for his own sake, as I'm sure you do. And I certainly hope he doesn't get worse and create even more drama in order to pull you back in.

Good luck and let us know how things are going.

Sorry to hear this popcorn. I hope that you will be able to move on with your life, and that your leaving will be the wakeup call he needs to save his. Keep us posted.

Oh, Popcorn. I'm so sorry. We're thinking about you and we're rooting for you all the way. May you find the healing and the happiness you deserve.

I'm so sorry, Popcorn. I am continually amazed by your strength and resilience. You are every bit the butterfly.

So sorry to hear it Popcorn.

Thinking of you popcorn. Truly sorry.

Best of luck, Popcorn! In my thoughts.

Hey Popcorn,
I didn't comment earlier on this thread, but I wanted to say that I'm really impressed by all that you have done to try to help your husband. I'm so sorry things have not worked out, but I am glad you are making the decision that is best for you now. Good luck with everything!

Thanks for the support everyone. He's slowly coming to grips with this upcoming separation... I have talked with his parents, who plan to take him in an build a very structured atmosphere. But I have to get him out of here, if nothing else but it is an enabling place.

For now, separation and space. I will keep him on the insurance, try to find him some sort of program there, and probably send money to his parents to cover his medical bills. Still working out all the details.

Down the road, we'll have to get his vehicle back, but I can probably fly my brothers out to take it back there.

I have been thinking a lot, and part of the change has been that I have been far more a caregiver than anything else, and don't feel love in a romantic way anymore. I love him as a person, and hope he will accept that as enough.

I haven't seen much of him. He sleeps all day, every day (and nights, because "he's so exhausted." Aside from the fact that he has no clue what true exhaustion is (that would be 30 hours on your feet in the trauma bay on a Saturday night. Now THAT is exhaustion. I feel so insulted when he uses that word.)

He used to tell me that he slept so he wouldn't drink. He's just so dysfunctional. When I see glimmers of the man I used to know, I wonder if I'm doing the right thing, but I have had my heart broken so many times, and my dreams trampled that my head is overruling my heart. Which is a good thing.

Life goes on. And I'm guardedly optimistic about being single again. In fact, I'm rather looking forward to it. (I hired a cleaning servive. I'm outsourcing some of the yardwork.) I will be fine.

I mentioned earlier in this thread, you never know who is in the exact same position as you..................

So what I'll say now is that there IS a happy ending, only that it's different from the one you originally imagined. And that sometimes, that ends up being a far better ending than you ever dreamed of.........................

Thanks

Popcorn --- I can't say I've had the same experiences but I was so close to marrying a nice guy with some sparks of greatness with = a lot of deficiencies. I commented to a trusted (spiritual) advisor, "but he's nice, nice people deserve to marry--" My advisor replied, "Yes, they deserve to marry other nice people with deficiencies!"

Just because you can see greatness in him doesn't mean you have to be the one to bring it out (more than you already are by arranging structure, caring parents, and chances at recovery). Good luck.

Here again...

So to update the story, (or is it a saga by now?) the trip back to visit his parents was looming large. He was going to an outpatient program through one our of local hospitals but was still drinking. It occurred to me that he was going to HAVE to detox before going back, and that became a huge sticking point. Because of his medical problems, I couldn't find a hospital anywhere near our hometown who would take him and medically detox him. So I announced that he would have to go back to the rehab he was at before. Drunk as usual, he grumbled and agreed to go for a detox only, and fly home from the airport there. So I packed as much as I could and drove him there.

He's been there for 40 days now. I don't know how long he'll be there. My mother flew out, we packed up most of his stuff and she drove it along with his car back to his parents. He has no clothes, no computer, no car here. Just random crap that I forgot or wouldn't fit and a bunch of tools.

Mostly, I've just felt very sad about this. I've limited my contact with him drastically, mostly for my own mental health. It's so much easier to be mad at him.

I met with a lawyer who basically confimed what I'd suspected, and said I could file whenever I was ready.

I'm writing tonight, because he just called, and I'm just a little overwhelmed. He's written me a few letters, but has been trying to respect my "space." I just took my oral boards and work has been very busy. I have been on the edge mentally, and am in the middle of some night shifts. (Meaning, that since there isn't anyone else here to let dogs in and out and keep them quiet, they don't let me sleep well.) And I know I have nothing on you moms out there - I have no freaking clue how you do it. Geez, I just have dogs.)

But anyway, he called. He wanted to talk. I told him he didn't want to talk about what needed to be discussed. He poured it all out. He's been sober for 7 weeks. He says he hit bottom and realized what he was losing, and that he loves me, and wants to be a part of my life, and start over. That he's working the program, has a sponsor, is going to go back to his parents and jumpstart his career, and try to be a better person. And I don't know if it's because I'm tired, I'm emotionally drained from work and boards and travel and all of this, but everything just feels raw again. My heart is breaking all over again, and my head just keeps screaming to not let him hurt me again, and to run, run, run.

I figured I'd just do what I do best: stall for time. I told him that if he was still sober and I was still single in a few years, we'd go from there. He wasn't happy about that, but I think he'll work with it.

I'm not making any decisions. I'm just sick of being in limbo. But I'm toying - do I give him a last chance? He even said that if he screws up again, he would understand and let me walk away. I just don't know if I can do it again. This is the FIRST time I've considered giving him another chance. Hell, I have been waiting for him to get out of rehab so I can file for divorce and get it the hell over with. I am just so lost and torn.

Again, no decisions. Certainly none in this emotional state. But damn, this just continues to suck. And I needed to vent. Sigh.

Big hug Popcorn. You're an amazing woman. I really do admire you.

Popcorn, I'm sorry this is dragging on so long. It sounds like you are being more than generous in sending him to rehab again. Maybe while he is there you can also ship off his random belongings and tools so that he will not use them as an excuse to come back to your house.

I'm sure it will not be easy to break free of the old patterns that the two of you have been living for so long. Good luck!

I'm feeling better tonight... am enjoying some "me" time, granted just a day, but a day not working. I took care of a bunch of things, hit my favorite thrift store for some cute tops (I'm cheap, and I admit it), got a massage and my hair cut. And some wine and chocolate don't hurt. I'm also reveling in the bathroom I've had remodeled, and am feeling much more secure than where I was the other day.

He's still there, obviously, which means he's proven nothing. If he does get another chance, he'll have to earn it. One of the helpful tidbits from the lawyer was that if we have some sort of arrangement for support worked out, they will likely stick to it alimony-wise. And as we have something worked out (a check to his parents each month when he's out), hopefully that will stick.

I do love not having to worry about him, or feel guilty for having a glass (or two) of wine. (I haven't had it in the house for the last year, which I have to admit, I've resented)

One day at a time. Thanks for the well-wishes and thoughts - it means a lot.

Glad you're feeling better and getting some "me time". I love thrift stores. The Goodwill had a 123 Tuesday sale the other day (any article of clothing for $1.23). I bought about 7 blouses. They had a beautiful London Fog trenchcoat there in perfect condition. Not my style, but somebody could have gotten quite a bargain on that one.

Popcorn,

I was thinking of you today and hoping things are working themselves out, and I was also hoping that these holidays are going well for you. It has been a tough year, but there are many people who are thinking of you and wishing the best for you.

Thanks for the kind words and warm thoughts.

As I anticipated, the holidays were, well, weird.

We grew up together, and went to the same schools, therefore, going "home" for Christmas meant the very high probability I would see him. Or have to see him. Or want to see him. Very weird emotions, really. We've really only been speaking about once a week, and it's a halting, stilted conversation with lots of awkward pauses.

I met with his therapist - our therapist - who I suppose is now MY therapist before I went and she helped me think through some things, and reiterated that I am not the one with the disease. She also focused in on some things that I'd really glossed over - like what I want. And how our relationship has been SO dysfunctional, and do I even want a relationship now. With him. With anyone. And I don't think so. I want ME time, time to heal, time to grow, and time to just not worry about anyone else. (Patients notwithstanding. I hate that wake-up-at-2am-and-worry-that-the-lady-in-bed-12-that-I-sent-home-might-have-actually-had-a-PE-or-something-horrible-that-I-missed...)

Anyway, so I flew home last week. Traditionally, we would go to his grandparent's home for Christmas Eve dinner, then I would try to drag him to Midnight mass (never worked), and we'd spend the night with his family, and spend Christmas Day bouncing between houses and extended families. This year, his extended family actually decided to relocate Christmas celebrations out-of-state, which took things down several notches. His grandfather has been progressing into Alzheimer's as well, which probably had a great deal to do with it. Anyway, he thought I'd spent time with his family. I wasn't so sure.

I ended up meeting him for lunch, and the meeting was just as awkward as our phone conversations. He's doing well, but he's miserable. He wants to come home and take care of me. He did slip, but "just once" (which was more than that, but whatever.) He looked like he'd been crying for weeks. He wrote a letter to my family asking for forgiveness, apologizing, and promising to get back to who he used to be.

He's apologized for some specific things, and clarified some others - some I really didn't want to know, but knew anyway. (Like the 90-meetings-in-90-days were frequently skipped in lieu of going to a bar.) The lies, damn, the lies.

So bottom line, the party line has not changed. He stays sober and I'm still single in a couple years and then we'll talk. I am less hopeful that he'll be able to pull himself out, as he isn't doing any sort of medically-directed program right now other than AA. I am sending checks to his parents. I feel bad for him as a person, but feel nothing stronger than that. I love him as a friend, as someone who was incredibly unlucky, had beaucoup chances, and blew them all. And who has but a wisp of a chance to get through this. It's really just overwhelmingly sad. Maybe he'll get his act together. Maybe not. I can't do a damn thing about it, and it's not my problem.

I haven't filed for divorce yet, but probably will sometime this year. I'm in no hurry, really. My family continues to be incredibly supportive, and I've found a way to continue my most fulfilling volunteering. (When we were "us," we fostered unweaned and motherless puppies for a local rescue group. Puppies are an incredible amount of work, especially when there is q3h bottlefeeding to do and multiple mouths.) I realized that I couldn't do puppies by myself, but there wasn't any reason I couldn't care for sick kittens. Much easier, less hands-on, but still needed. So I have 4 kittens in my study, that I've nursed back to health and am fostering until they are big enough to neuter/spay. And then I will get more.

On a funny note, I decided I didn't hate him so much that I couldn't at least wear my anniversary band if I needed to. I am so sick of getting hit on by drunks at work. A little band on the L ring finger really does dissuade them. I have less attachment to my anniversary band, and it's sparkly, and it serves a purpose to protect me now. And its sparkly.

Ok, that was really really long. But that's the current state of the former union. Thanks for caring.

Thanks for posting, Danielle! Happy New year...

Quick update: I formally retained my lawyer today, and the papers will be filed this week.

Damned if I know what he's going to do once he's served, but it's his problem. I'm tired of it, and the last 5 months have been great! So great, I'm not going to let him back in and ruin it.

So there. Big step. Not over yet, but big step.

Good for you.

Good for you Popcorn.

That's great!

WOW-just read through this thread-you are incredible. I am impressed with you as a person, for sticking with him as long as you did, and for getting out and taking care of your health when you did. Hang in there!! Hugs:)

I'm so glad the last five months have been great! And glad that things are progressing forward. Just imagine what relief you will feel when all of this is finally over! Hang in there....

Wellll... it's been 6 more months, 6 more months of glorious alone-ness. I LOVE it. I have not felt this peaceful or serene in years. I am in charge of my own destiny. I went to Paris and Normandy and Amsterdam, had a touch of plastic surgery (why the hell not) and have been doing things how I want, without worrying. And having my wine with dinner without stressing over him seeing it.

The divorce is dragggging out. As in, we don't go to mediation until late October, but hopefully it will be over shortly after that. He still apparently thinks I'm going to take him back. Not.

I had a nightmare about agreeing to let him come "home." And I trust my subconscious!

This post has been an interesting journal of sorts, and I'm glad I've poured it out, so at the very least, I could go back and reread my own words as I've grown and changed.

Hugs.

PS. One of my secretaries is trying to set me up with a cute SICU nurse. Wouldn't that be funny? I've met him, but only in the context of me yelling orders and him pushing the epi because we both have to respond to in-house codes... No hurry, but the idea is exciting! Not that I really know what a normal relationship is, but if it happens, it happens. (Eek. Dating. What a scary thought!) No hurry! I'll let you all know if I manage to have a date before Christmas. ('cause you know, I really LOVE this single business!)

What a great 6 months! Freedom!

I'm glad you are doing well and enjoying life.

Thanks for the update and glad things are going well for you.

Glad to hear you are doing so well and taking charge of your own future!

It has to be transformational for you to read through this thread again Popcorn! So happy for you, and hope to hear you are doing all of the things you want to in the future!

Good for you! Thanks for the update!