Popcorn --- I can't say I've had the same experiences but I was so close to marrying a nice guy with some sparks of greatness with = a lot of deficiencies. I commented to a trusted (spiritual) advisor, "but he's nice, nice people deserve to marry--" My advisor replied, "Yes, they deserve to marry other nice people with deficiencies!"

Just because you can see greatness in him doesn't mean you have to be the one to bring it out (more than you already are by arranging structure, caring parents, and chances at recovery). Good luck.

Here again...

So to update the story, (or is it a saga by now?) the trip back to visit his parents was looming large. He was going to an outpatient program through one our of local hospitals but was still drinking. It occurred to me that he was going to HAVE to detox before going back, and that became a huge sticking point. Because of his medical problems, I couldn't find a hospital anywhere near our hometown who would take him and medically detox him. So I announced that he would have to go back to the rehab he was at before. Drunk as usual, he grumbled and agreed to go for a detox only, and fly home from the airport there. So I packed as much as I could and drove him there.

He's been there for 40 days now. I don't know how long he'll be there. My mother flew out, we packed up most of his stuff and she drove it along with his car back to his parents. He has no clothes, no computer, no car here. Just random crap that I forgot or wouldn't fit and a bunch of tools.

Mostly, I've just felt very sad about this. I've limited my contact with him drastically, mostly for my own mental health. It's so much easier to be mad at him.

I met with a lawyer who basically confimed what I'd suspected, and said I could file whenever I was ready.

I'm writing tonight, because he just called, and I'm just a little overwhelmed. He's written me a few letters, but has been trying to respect my "space." I just took my oral boards and work has been very busy. I have been on the edge mentally, and am in the middle of some night shifts. (Meaning, that since there isn't anyone else here to let dogs in and out and keep them quiet, they don't let me sleep well.) And I know I have nothing on you moms out there - I have no freaking clue how you do it. Geez, I just have dogs.)

But anyway, he called. He wanted to talk. I told him he didn't want to talk about what needed to be discussed. He poured it all out. He's been sober for 7 weeks. He says he hit bottom and realized what he was losing, and that he loves me, and wants to be a part of my life, and start over. That he's working the program, has a sponsor, is going to go back to his parents and jumpstart his career, and try to be a better person. And I don't know if it's because I'm tired, I'm emotionally drained from work and boards and travel and all of this, but everything just feels raw again. My heart is breaking all over again, and my head just keeps screaming to not let him hurt me again, and to run, run, run.

I figured I'd just do what I do best: stall for time. I told him that if he was still sober and I was still single in a few years, we'd go from there. He wasn't happy about that, but I think he'll work with it.

I'm not making any decisions. I'm just sick of being in limbo. But I'm toying - do I give him a last chance? He even said that if he screws up again, he would understand and let me walk away. I just don't know if I can do it again. This is the FIRST time I've considered giving him another chance. Hell, I have been waiting for him to get out of rehab so I can file for divorce and get it the hell over with. I am just so lost and torn.

Again, no decisions. Certainly none in this emotional state. But damn, this just continues to suck. And I needed to vent. Sigh.

Big hug Popcorn. You're an amazing woman. I really do admire you.

Popcorn, I'm sorry this is dragging on so long. It sounds like you are being more than generous in sending him to rehab again. Maybe while he is there you can also ship off his random belongings and tools so that he will not use them as an excuse to come back to your house.

I'm sure it will not be easy to break free of the old patterns that the two of you have been living for so long. Good luck!

I'm feeling better tonight... am enjoying some "me" time, granted just a day, but a day not working. I took care of a bunch of things, hit my favorite thrift store for some cute tops (I'm cheap, and I admit it), got a massage and my hair cut. And some wine and chocolate don't hurt. I'm also reveling in the bathroom I've had remodeled, and am feeling much more secure than where I was the other day.

He's still there, obviously, which means he's proven nothing. If he does get another chance, he'll have to earn it. One of the helpful tidbits from the lawyer was that if we have some sort of arrangement for support worked out, they will likely stick to it alimony-wise. And as we have something worked out (a check to his parents each month when he's out), hopefully that will stick.

I do love not having to worry about him, or feel guilty for having a glass (or two) of wine. (I haven't had it in the house for the last year, which I have to admit, I've resented)

One day at a time. Thanks for the well-wishes and thoughts - it means a lot.

Glad you're feeling better and getting some "me time". I love thrift stores. The Goodwill had a 123 Tuesday sale the other day (any article of clothing for $1.23). I bought about 7 blouses. They had a beautiful London Fog trenchcoat there in perfect condition. Not my style, but somebody could have gotten quite a bargain on that one.

Popcorn,

I was thinking of you today and hoping things are working themselves out, and I was also hoping that these holidays are going well for you. It has been a tough year, but there are many people who are thinking of you and wishing the best for you.

Thanks for the kind words and warm thoughts.

As I anticipated, the holidays were, well, weird.

We grew up together, and went to the same schools, therefore, going "home" for Christmas meant the very high probability I would see him. Or have to see him. Or want to see him. Very weird emotions, really. We've really only been speaking about once a week, and it's a halting, stilted conversation with lots of awkward pauses.

I met with his therapist - our therapist - who I suppose is now MY therapist before I went and she helped me think through some things, and reiterated that I am not the one with the disease. She also focused in on some things that I'd really glossed over - like what I want. And how our relationship has been SO dysfunctional, and do I even want a relationship now. With him. With anyone. And I don't think so. I want ME time, time to heal, time to grow, and time to just not worry about anyone else. (Patients notwithstanding. I hate that wake-up-at-2am-and-worry-that-the-lady-in-bed-12-that-I-sent-home-might-have-actually-had-a-PE-or-something-horrible-that-I-missed...)

Anyway, so I flew home last week. Traditionally, we would go to his grandparent's home for Christmas Eve dinner, then I would try to drag him to Midnight mass (never worked), and we'd spend the night with his family, and spend Christmas Day bouncing between houses and extended families. This year, his extended family actually decided to relocate Christmas celebrations out-of-state, which took things down several notches. His grandfather has been progressing into Alzheimer's as well, which probably had a great deal to do with it. Anyway, he thought I'd spent time with his family. I wasn't so sure.

I ended up meeting him for lunch, and the meeting was just as awkward as our phone conversations. He's doing well, but he's miserable. He wants to come home and take care of me. He did slip, but "just once" (which was more than that, but whatever.) He looked like he'd been crying for weeks. He wrote a letter to my family asking for forgiveness, apologizing, and promising to get back to who he used to be.

He's apologized for some specific things, and clarified some others - some I really didn't want to know, but knew anyway. (Like the 90-meetings-in-90-days were frequently skipped in lieu of going to a bar.) The lies, damn, the lies.

So bottom line, the party line has not changed. He stays sober and I'm still single in a couple years and then we'll talk. I am less hopeful that he'll be able to pull himself out, as he isn't doing any sort of medically-directed program right now other than AA. I am sending checks to his parents. I feel bad for him as a person, but feel nothing stronger than that. I love him as a friend, as someone who was incredibly unlucky, had beaucoup chances, and blew them all. And who has but a wisp of a chance to get through this. It's really just overwhelmingly sad. Maybe he'll get his act together. Maybe not. I can't do a damn thing about it, and it's not my problem.

I haven't filed for divorce yet, but probably will sometime this year. I'm in no hurry, really. My family continues to be incredibly supportive, and I've found a way to continue my most fulfilling volunteering. (When we were "us," we fostered unweaned and motherless puppies for a local rescue group. Puppies are an incredible amount of work, especially when there is q3h bottlefeeding to do and multiple mouths.) I realized that I couldn't do puppies by myself, but there wasn't any reason I couldn't care for sick kittens. Much easier, less hands-on, but still needed. So I have 4 kittens in my study, that I've nursed back to health and am fostering until they are big enough to neuter/spay. And then I will get more.

On a funny note, I decided I didn't hate him so much that I couldn't at least wear my anniversary band if I needed to. I am so sick of getting hit on by drunks at work. A little band on the L ring finger really does dissuade them. I have less attachment to my anniversary band, and it's sparkly, and it serves a purpose to protect me now. And its sparkly.

Ok, that was really really long. But that's the current state of the former union. Thanks for caring.

Thanks for posting, Danielle! Happy New year...

Quick update: I formally retained my lawyer today, and the papers will be filed this week.

Damned if I know what he's going to do once he's served, but it's his problem. I'm tired of it, and the last 5 months have been great! So great, I'm not going to let him back in and ruin it.

So there. Big step. Not over yet, but big step.