berkeleyite,

Moving does suck. I ended up uprooting DH from his good, stable, med center job. I tried to encourage him to look for jobs and be aggressive. He put things off, and put things off - "I want to wait until I'm there..."

Long story short, we've been here for a year and a half and he's still unemployed. That's not to say that he hasn't made many significant changes in his life, but employment and career advancement sure haven't been part of it. I though he was joking all those years ago about retiring at 28, but now I'm not so sure. He says he's looking, but although he's had interviews, no offers. We're now almost to the point where we'll be able to make ends meet when I start moonlighting, so perhaps it's all meant to be.

Ironically, our marriage has never been better. He's really embraced the stay-at-home-dad thing, even though we don't have children. He's my Laundry Czar, he watches the dogs/cats, he takes care of the house, and has dinner ready for me most of the time if I'm on day shifts. Money is really tight (to the point where we have to turn to the parents for funding more often than I'd like), but they know it's a short term thing. Still, we never go out. I'm more of a homebody anyway, we we'd both rather putter around the yard or play with the dogs than go out for a night on the town.

Am I happy? Yep. Is husband? That's a little tougher. He is a recovering alcoholic, and has been sober for about 8 months. This is huge. He's actually enjoying life now, which is so different from his prior lifestyle of living in a fog. This has been such a huge transition for us, that even with all the time, it's probably not something he could have managed while working. That, and he got really sick, and ended up in the hospital (my hospital, actually) for 3 weeks right as he got sober. It was a watershed for us; he had complications that could have killed him, and it made him realize that life is short and you have to enjoy it. He fishes a lot now, and we go to the beach relatively often.

Where am I going with this? Life is what you make of it. Lord knows I've seen enough death lately to make that sink in. No one else can make you happy - and similarly, you can't make your partner happy. I love phillymedschoolmom's ideas - and bottom line, this too shall pass.

Danielle

Thanks danielle! I just feel like our marriage isn't the greatest to begin with sometimes it seems as if we are in it out of obligation to the kids so i am not sure how the marriage will handle moving especially if he doesn't get a good job. and i feelt hat if our marriage fails it will be viewed as my fault by everyone we know. not their business i know but it would be stressful.
your husband has made some significant life changes an that is great so hopefully the job will fall into place soon.

berkleyite,
with hindsite to work with, if i were in your place I'd GLADLY go to a lower-ranking residency that I'd possibly be happy with. I'd even be okay to live apart from dh (within reason)or commute far if that will allow him some personal/career fulfilment. I uprooted my dh to medschool & residency and along the line we got kids, but he became chronically unemployed, bitter & depressed and moved back and we're now separated.

I learned this lesson in my first marriage when we relocated for me to attend grad school on scholarship. Of course, he would have been a jerk no matter WHER we lived :rolleyes: , but now in my second marriage I've vowed not to make that mistake again even if it means I have to get my PhD first until I can get into a local med school. What I've repeatedly found is that husbands/SO's will usually SAY they support the move, but when their happines is compromised, that support turns to bitterness real quick.

Best of luck to the OP and others in this situation.

Hi everyone. I've never posted on a forum before, but I've begun to feel somewhat desperate. I'm sorry to have to bring back this old topic.

I'm a 4th year med student, just about to take Step 2, but struggling with it because I failed step 1 the first time and didn't want to fail another one. Most of the reason that I failed was because I was miserable, having trouble balancing med school with marriage. I often felt like I could not give enough to the marriage and felt like I was missing out on too many things. I almost quit then. Now, I have been studying for Step 2 while doing rotations and life has been awful for the last 4 months. And then, somehow, when I wasn't looking, my husband tells me that he is so unhappy (and has been unhappy since step 1 that i took last year) that he thinks he may leave me. He has felt like he has not been getting enough attention and, over the past year, he has become really involved in sports at work (volleyball, softball, soccer) which has occupied most of his time. He gets angry, however, when I ask him to come home after the sports instead of being out late in the bar with the team every night. In the last 4 months, he has become obsessed with working out and has started to have somewhat of an early midlife crisis at age 32! He's unhappy with his job, wants a sports car, and wants to have "guys night out" more often and not feel that he has to report to me when he wants to go out.

I am sure that he is not having an affair and I sometimes feel as though he really still loves me, although it's so masked behind all this anger and resentment. I'm pretty sure that he just wants "freedom" and is feeling suffocated by the marriage and this life of me in medical school.

I just find it really sad because he never really spoke up that he was unhappy. I feel like he just turned when I wasn't looking (because I was too busy studying) and now he's not emotionally in the marriage anymore. I have told him that I wanted to try to change and show how much I appreciate him more often, but I really think it might be too late. At this point, he feels so stifled by the marriage that he doesn't even think about why it may be that he wants to have all of this time for himself and away from me.

I have been told by friends to thank goodness that we don't have kids (because we had been trying for a little while) that could've gotten pulled into the mix of this. He has agreed to go to counseling, but I know he still has so much anger and that this is going to be so hard. Anyway, I was just wondering if anyone had suggestions about finding a good marriage counselor. I want to find one that specializes or has lots of cases of relationships in which one or both of the partners is in the medical field and has gone through this ridiculous training. Also, can someone recommend books? I've seen a couple on the web titled "Medical Marriages", but which would be the best ones to read? Thanks.

Try your med school counseling office or EAP, they should either offer marital counseling or know where you can get it, often free. This is a common problem in medical marriages. I have heard that "The 5 Love Languages# is a good book for couples, although I have not read it. It may not be for your situation, though.

Thank you residentmom - I will try your suggestions.

I love "The 5 Love Languages" - even though DH didn't put it to use quite as I hoped he would, it was a really interesting way to look at how couples communicate. And I think it makes perfect sense.

I am going to continue being in compete agreement with ResidentMom - get thee to the EAP or counseling center. ASAP.

I want to contribute a little about my own experience, because when I read these posts there is so much in here about marriage in addition to the sacrifices required for medical education and training. I've been in counseling for several yrs now, and am separated, 3 children, and it's helpful to me to read your posts.

My take is that some of us women, like me, may be drawn to the medical field and to the men we married for similar reasons - wanting to help people, willingness to work and work and work at something that is difficult.

My husband was miserable at times, but I learned thru counseling that he was using his complaining and anger to control me. Also, being at home with the house and kids allows an at-home dad to have considerable indirect control in the marriage and family. My experience has been that in being controlled by him at the same time as being controlled by the medical field (continually spilling over into my personal life) became overwhelming for me.

WHile my husband moved for me when I trained as a resident, I then took a turn and did research near his family for the next 2 yrs. So I tried to keep it even/fair in a way.

I just want to encourage any of you above who need it to focus on your own needs. I think, although I;m speaking from the perspective of a failed marriage, that you can best make decisions for your marriage and children if your own needs are met. Don't let talk about your intense medical education/training become a distraction from what may actually be a problem in your marriage.

woops, sorry I didn't see the dates of the earlier posts. Well, helpless, I do wonder from what you write if your husband doesn't support your desire to pursue medicine. it's a very hard question to ask oneself, and counseling is the best idea. you should go on your own too.