Hi everyone ,
I'm married ,have a 4 yr old and now 18 weeks pregnant with second one .Also a int.medical graduate who has to give usmle exam.
Life is ok ,we are financially stable,i have a supportive husband ,a mortgage ,and another kid coming .My parents have always detested my having kid right after marriage .We had the first one nine months in marriage .My folks have been wonderful while i was growing up,are very career oriented .My Mom was paranoid when she found out that i was expecting first one .I have been stay at home Mom and started board prep as well .I want to be in my career but didn't feel like sending an infant to daycare .Although now my daughter goes to daycare while i study .
I haven't told my parents about this pregnancy as i am scared of the nagative feedback .Is it normal for parents to feel that way ?Last time my Mom even mentioned that i should have considered abortion .We are financially well but parents say that the money is your husband's not yours .I want to get back into career as well but must admit i love being a Mom irrespective .I want a second child and don't want to be scared of what my parents would say .But infact it does hurt a lot .My mother says it is unfortunate to be girl since you can be stuck in this kind of situation.She has raised us with so much love .It hurts me that she feels that way .Cause my husband is very caring and is not like that .And the marriage had their 100% consent
I haven't even dared tell my relatives or near friends cause i don't want folks to get the air .But i did need support in pregnancy .Is it normal for them to feel that i shouldn't have kids until i am working as doc .I was 25 when i got married and now 29 yrs old .
Any suggestions ??
Cause i really don't understand if i should be guilty of making my own decisions .Please advice on how to handle this situation.

Hi Dreamy,
First of all, congratulations on your pregnancy!

Be glad that you are able to get pregnant while you are still young. If you listened to your parents and waited till your late thirties, it would have been much harder to get pregnant.

You mentioned that you do need your parents' support during your pregnancy. You also said that they were very career oriented. I think they are afraid to take on the responsibility of this grand child. It is not that they don't want you to have kids but they know that some of it will fall on their shoulders. You may want to talk to them about this and also arrange for babycare in stead of asking them for help. That is the price you (we all) will have to pay for deciding to have a family and a career.
Good luck to you.

Thank you ,rianah.It really nice to hear your opinion .
No ,i don't need their help with the baby .Actually we have raised my 4 yr old ourselves without ever asking for help.I love kids ,just love them ,always wanted kids of my own .I just needed their emotional support i guess .They were very good as parents and i somehow don't relate to the resentment on my having kids .I
Why would they feel that way .It especially hurt when Mom said that i should have considered abortion .We can afford kids and money is not a big issue .It's more like they think that i have been pulled down by having kids . So that means if you in middle of studies ,you are not supposed to think of having kids??
Shouldn't they be at least a little glad that they have grandkids ??My Dad had mentioned last time i spoke to him that it is not important to have any more kids .
Can't they just say they are happy for us ?
Well,i have decided not to tell them until after baby is born .I just don't want anything negative being said this time .Cause i am so looking forward to having the baby.
Has anyone ever gone through this ??
I am considering going to a therapist cause i don't understand a bit of what is going on with them !! or with me ??

Hi Dreamy,
Ok, I misunderstood what you meant by support. I have seen people like your parents though. I have a friend that broke up with her boyfriend and went to Harvard to get an MBA even though she was in a perfectly happy relationship because her parents thought she was too young to get married. Most often, this type of parents tend to be ambitious and career-oriented.

I bet your parents never had to deal with fertility issues that today's career women face. Part of it is media's fault. They glorify all these celecrities having kids well into tehir forties but what they don't tell you is usually it requires tens of thousands of $$$ and often, donor eggs. I went thr' IVF to get pregnant and my clinic does not let any one > 43 use their own eggs.

Hope this helps. Something you can bring up when you see a therapist. Don't dwell on it too much though and try to enjoy your pregnancy.

Anyways, part of it may be ignorance about such things on your parents' part.

Maybe it is a cultural difference? Are you from a culture where career is very valued? I don't mean to stereotype, but your situation sounds a lot like that of some of my Indian and Asian friends. Your parents don't mean to hurt you, they just want for you that THEY think is best for YOU. But at your age, it's time for YOU to decided!

You should tell your parents that you appreciate their advice, but that this is your life and you decide how you lead it. Reassure them that you will be a physician one day, but that you decided to have your family first because that is what was most important to YOU.

I think you should tell them that you are hurt by their lack of support, and that now that the children are there, you wish they would respect and support their choices. If they can't do that... well, there's not much you can do. You are lucky to have your husband's support, and maybe friends can support you emotionally as well?

Anyway, YOU made the right choices for YOU, and you should be proud of that! Good luck with everything. Big hugs!

Thank you rianah100 and Baby einstein.
Rianah, fertility issues are very prevalent these days and it's hard to be ignorant .Actually some of my Moms best friends have gone through this dilemma and not have been able to have kids .So they did choose to adopt .I guess she knew it well what they were going through.I personally did want kids before 30 as we read about all sorts of genetic diseases .But i guess it's so not a concern for them .They would be very happy if i had a influential practice rather than 2 kids and a husband.
I wish you very best and hope you will achieve what you are pursuing at the moment .

Baby einstein ,I truly come from a culture where sitting at home and cleaning diapers is considered a taboo .These works are supposed to be done my maids or housekeepers .Actually women are very career oriented .Breastfeeding is considered way off limits almost in a way that they think women who breastfeed are either poor or have nothing better to do with life .I remember i had decided to breastfeed my 4 yr old and did it for more than a year .I actually never wanted to use the formulas i was stacking up in the kitchen and never did it.Always a rebel ,that's me!!
My Mom kept telling how it's going to ruin my breasts and that i should be doing something productive.Yeah, she came to visit but made me very guilty for doing all this stuff .As much as i love my Mom,I still couldn't wait for her to leave .I wanted to take care of my baby myself and at that moment was very apprehensive on leaving my little girl with babysitter .
My parents say that i am holding on to my kid and do everything because of my own insecurities .I really don't understand what is that supposed to mean .I am not holding on to anybody .My 4 yr old needs me around and the baby would too .I am not going to hold on to them when they grow up .Rather would love them to make their own decisions.
Well ,i guess baby einstein ,you are right .Cultural difference it is .It feels good to hear from you all .I think i am healing already .Thank you for all the support .
I guess nothing would change their mind about it .They had high hopes on what i will achieve and i let them down .But i'm happy in my marriage .I just wish their wasn't such a big communication gap between folks and me .Mom had been their to talk with for 25 yrs ,to love ,support even wheni was quite far off from home in premed & med school .We would call every weekend or so .After marriage ,i just lost that relationship .They couldn't comprehend the decisions that i made .And now we hardly even talk when we do .It's quite formal .I guess i'm going through the rebound period of that relationship .Hopefully i will get over it and move on .

Just FYI-
I am currently almost 8 mo. pregnant:) I have seen the doctors very soon after we started trying and no, I am not in my 40's yet. Late thirties.

Congratulations rianah ,that's wonderful !!
I bet it is really exciting .So you'll be seeing love of your life soon !!
Have a very safe delivery !!You are almost there !!

Congrats Rianah, and good luck Dreamy. I'm sure with time your parents will learn to accept your choices and be happy for you.

Thanks Baby Einstein ,You are so sweet .