Hi everyone ,
I'm married ,have a 4 yr old and now 18 weeks pregnant with second one .Also a int.medical graduate who has to give usmle exam.
Life is ok ,we are financially stable,i have a supportive husband ,a mortgage ,and another kid coming .My parents have always detested my having kid right after marriage .We had the first one nine months in marriage .My folks have been wonderful while i was growing up,are very career oriented .My Mom was paranoid when she found out that i was expecting first one .I have been stay at home Mom and started board prep as well .I want to be in my career but didn't feel like sending an infant to daycare .Although now my daughter goes to daycare while i study .
I haven't told my parents about this pregnancy as i am scared of the nagative feedback .Is it normal for parents to feel that way ?Last time my Mom even mentioned that i should have considered abortion .We are financially well but parents say that the money is your husband's not yours .I want to get back into career as well but must admit i love being a Mom irrespective .I want a second child and don't want to be scared of what my parents would say .But infact it does hurt a lot .My mother says it is unfortunate to be girl since you can be stuck in this kind of situation.She has raised us with so much love .It hurts me that she feels that way .Cause my husband is very caring and is not like that .And the marriage had their 100% consent
I haven't even dared tell my relatives or near friends cause i don't want folks to get the air .But i did need support in pregnancy .Is it normal for them to feel that i shouldn't have kids until i am working as doc .I was 25 when i got married and now 29 yrs old .
Any suggestions ??
Cause i really don't understand if i should be guilty of making my own decisions .Please advice on how to handle this situation.

Hi Dreamy,
First of all, congratulations on your pregnancy!

Be glad that you are able to get pregnant while you are still young. If you listened to your parents and waited till your late thirties, it would have been much harder to get pregnant.

You mentioned that you do need your parents' support during your pregnancy. You also said that they were very career oriented. I think they are afraid to take on the responsibility of this grand child. It is not that they don't want you to have kids but they know that some of it will fall on their shoulders. You may want to talk to them about this and also arrange for babycare in stead of asking them for help. That is the price you (we all) will have to pay for deciding to have a family and a career.
Good luck to you.

Thank you ,rianah.It really nice to hear your opinion .
No ,i don't need their help with the baby .Actually we have raised my 4 yr old ourselves without ever asking for help.I love kids ,just love them ,always wanted kids of my own .I just needed their emotional support i guess .They were very good as parents and i somehow don't relate to the resentment on my having kids .I
Why would they feel that way .It especially hurt when Mom said that i should have considered abortion .We can afford kids and money is not a big issue .It's more like they think that i have been pulled down by having kids . So that means if you in middle of studies ,you are not supposed to think of having kids??
Shouldn't they be at least a little glad that they have grandkids ??My Dad had mentioned last time i spoke to him that it is not important to have any more kids .
Can't they just say they are happy for us ?
Well,i have decided not to tell them until after baby is born .I just don't want anything negative being said this time .Cause i am so looking forward to having the baby.
Has anyone ever gone through this ??
I am considering going to a therapist cause i don't understand a bit of what is going on with them !! or with me ??

Hi Dreamy,
Ok, I misunderstood what you meant by support. I have seen people like your parents though. I have a friend that broke up with her boyfriend and went to Harvard to get an MBA even though she was in a perfectly happy relationship because her parents thought she was too young to get married. Most often, this type of parents tend to be ambitious and career-oriented.

I bet your parents never had to deal with fertility issues that today's career women face. Part of it is media's fault. They glorify all these celecrities having kids well into tehir forties but what they don't tell you is usually it requires tens of thousands of $$$ and often, donor eggs. I went thr' IVF to get pregnant and my clinic does not let any one > 43 use their own eggs.

Hope this helps. Something you can bring up when you see a therapist. Don't dwell on it too much though and try to enjoy your pregnancy.

Anyways, part of it may be ignorance about such things on your parents' part.

Maybe it is a cultural difference? Are you from a culture where career is very valued? I don't mean to stereotype, but your situation sounds a lot like that of some of my Indian and Asian friends. Your parents don't mean to hurt you, they just want for you that THEY think is best for YOU. But at your age, it's time for YOU to decided!

You should tell your parents that you appreciate their advice, but that this is your life and you decide how you lead it. Reassure them that you will be a physician one day, but that you decided to have your family first because that is what was most important to YOU.

I think you should tell them that you are hurt by their lack of support, and that now that the children are there, you wish they would respect and support their choices. If they can't do that... well, there's not much you can do. You are lucky to have your husband's support, and maybe friends can support you emotionally as well?

Anyway, YOU made the right choices for YOU, and you should be proud of that! Good luck with everything. Big hugs!

Thank you rianah100 and Baby einstein.
Rianah, fertility issues are very prevalent these days and it's hard to be ignorant .Actually some of my Moms best friends have gone through this dilemma and not have been able to have kids .So they did choose to adopt .I guess she knew it well what they were going through.I personally did want kids before 30 as we read about all sorts of genetic diseases .But i guess it's so not a concern for them .They would be very happy if i had a influential practice rather than 2 kids and a husband.
I wish you very best and hope you will achieve what you are pursuing at the moment .

Baby einstein ,I truly come from a culture where sitting at home and cleaning diapers is considered a taboo .These works are supposed to be done my maids or housekeepers .Actually women are very career oriented .Breastfeeding is considered way off limits almost in a way that they think women who breastfeed are either poor or have nothing better to do with life .I remember i had decided to breastfeed my 4 yr old and did it for more than a year .I actually never wanted to use the formulas i was stacking up in the kitchen and never did it.Always a rebel ,that's me!!
My Mom kept telling how it's going to ruin my breasts and that i should be doing something productive.Yeah, she came to visit but made me very guilty for doing all this stuff .As much as i love my Mom,I still couldn't wait for her to leave .I wanted to take care of my baby myself and at that moment was very apprehensive on leaving my little girl with babysitter .
My parents say that i am holding on to my kid and do everything because of my own insecurities .I really don't understand what is that supposed to mean .I am not holding on to anybody .My 4 yr old needs me around and the baby would too .I am not going to hold on to them when they grow up .Rather would love them to make their own decisions.
Well ,i guess baby einstein ,you are right .Cultural difference it is .It feels good to hear from you all .I think i am healing already .Thank you for all the support .
I guess nothing would change their mind about it .They had high hopes on what i will achieve and i let them down .But i'm happy in my marriage .I just wish their wasn't such a big communication gap between folks and me .Mom had been their to talk with for 25 yrs ,to love ,support even wheni was quite far off from home in premed & med school .We would call every weekend or so .After marriage ,i just lost that relationship .They couldn't comprehend the decisions that i made .And now we hardly even talk when we do .It's quite formal .I guess i'm going through the rebound period of that relationship .Hopefully i will get over it and move on .

Just FYI-
I am currently almost 8 mo. pregnant:) I have seen the doctors very soon after we started trying and no, I am not in my 40's yet. Late thirties.

Congratulations rianah ,that's wonderful !!
I bet it is really exciting .So you'll be seeing love of your life soon !!
Have a very safe delivery !!You are almost there !!

Congrats Rianah, and good luck Dreamy. I'm sure with time your parents will learn to accept your choices and be happy for you.

Thanks Baby Einstein ,You are so sweet .

Hi Dreamy,

I can identify with you! Not the exact same situation, but my mom also shows her love by giving copious "constructive criticism". Her "helpful" words often put a damper on otherwise happy events and can reduce me to tears like a little girl, even at age 37. Sometimes they can even say really inappropriate things that really ruin how I feel about something.

It's taken me a long time to realize that my parents will NEVER be those loving, 100% supportive parents often seen on TV. They don't know everything, and they are only trying to live their lives and love their children the best way they know how. Probably the only way they know how. It took me years to figure out how to distance myself from them emotionally - I don't mean to talk to them less, see them less, or love them less. But just to learn that it's okay for you to have different opinions from your parents. And you don't have to feel guilty about it. IT'S OKAY! Even though they may make you feel that their ways are "right" and whatever you're doing is "wrong", rationally we all know that life is not so black and white.

It's certainly your perogative to keep the pregnancy from them until the child is born, but that may really hurt them. And it's something you can't take back. If and when you decide to tell your parents about your pregnancy, I would have your husband present to support you. Psych yourself up before to have a strong, confident, and positive attitude. Start by telling them how truly happy you both are that you're finally pregnant again, and that you're delighted to be able to share this fabulous news with them. If they start to come in with something negative. both you and your husband should politely stop them immediately. Tell them exactly what you told us, that you're so looking forward to this baby that you don't want to hear anything negative. Sometimes I joke with my mom (something I wasn't able to do when I was younger) so that when she opens her mouth, I ask laughingly, "Hey, are you going to say something positive? Remember, don't be mean! The baby can hear you!" I don't know if that would work with your mom, but sometimes it helps to lighten the mood. And when they realize how determined you are in your position, they may give up trying to "help" you with their advice and opinions.

Finally, if you have a sibling or an aunt who's close to your mom, it may be helpful to enlist their involvement. Have them talk to your mom just before you share your news - have them tell your parents, not your news, but just that you have something to share with them and that you need them to be very happy and positive for you. This doesn't always work with my parents either, but sometimes it has.

Good luck and congratulations! You sound like you really know yourself, what's right for you, and what makes you happy. So I think you just have to keep trying not to let anyone else's opinions, even your parents, hurt you or affect how your feel. (I know, easier said than done!) But serious, the more confidence you are, the more likely they'll back off. If you sound unsure, they'll certainly feel the need to step in and put in their 2 cents.

Reminds me of my parents. They raised me to be career-focused. When I was preparing for my wedding, my mother would talk about divorce until I finally confronted her and told her to stop. I still find it hard living my own life and making my own choices - and dealing with their lack of support. My husband is very supportive and we have are friends with a couple in a similar situation. Now my husband and I are talking about having a child, and I'm dreading my parents' reaction. We are paving the way in our conversations. Even with preparing them, I am still a little nervous that my mother will talk about abortion. So the plan is for both of us to tell my parents together and then, later the same day or the next day, tell his parents. We expect the second set of parents to be much more receptive and to make up for the cold response from my own family. I hope I can help both Dreamy and other people with similar situations. It's reassuring to see I'm not the only one.

Thank you romd,Your words have been really helpful.I guess you are right that i shall have to disclose that i'm pregnant sooner or later.I think i haven't healed from the reaction that my first born received .It's so embedded in me .They say forgive and forget .I don't know why that phrase doesn't work for me
.I know what you mean about the tears .Only your family has that capability to burst you in tears any time they open that mouth .
When i wrote in the forum ,i was thinking maybe i have made mistakes which i obviously can't see and neutral people can see them and probably guide me.
I guess i don't sound that crazy to anyone around here so i guess nothing major is wrong with me .
Actually my Mom does not call me as often as she used to ,y'know and i honestly do miss her in my life .I don't miss my Dad as much .He has told Mom not to call me as often .I understand he needs her and is not willing to share her .I just couldn't comprehend how a relationship between a mother and daughter can change so much just because of marriage .
Romd,I agree i will have to find a way to sneak in the news while standing firm .I hope i can do that .Thank you so much for your kind and wonderful advice .

drpurple,i guess you in a similar kind of situation .It is hard to have total lack of emotional support from your family .Please try to make sure that you never let your mother talk about abortion .That talk has haunted my mind ever since .She had said that to me with my first one even though she might be reciting my Dad's words.
I couldn't understand how parents could ever wish for their grandchild to not exist .Was i such a source of unhappiness for them and obstacle in their career that they learned from having me that kids are not necessary ??
Maybe they always regreted having me and i must have been in the way of their dreams .Although they did everything for me and never showed the remorse while i was growing up.
That does make me doubt my existence altogether
Yeah ,my Mom said no one should have a girl cause they get stuck in these kinda of situations .
I have a girl and wouldn't mind another one .I love my girl more than anything in the entire world .Just looking at her in the morning makes me feel how blessed i am .I don't know what i would have if i never had her .She has truly shown me what love really means .Just today as i left her at daycare and was going to my car ,she said loudly "i love you ,Mommy '.I don't know how i could be happy without having my daughter .
Drpurple ,if you desire a child ,i wish you all the best .It's the most wonderful feeling to be amother and entire wealth of the world can't beat that feeling of being loved & loving someone so much .

Dear Dreamy...

It appears that there are several of us in similar situations here - I haven't posted in a while but your thread is compelling.

First, I would recommend counting your blessings and never forgetting to think of them and smile:
- The fact that your parents blessed your marriage is a great blessing (I have been with my hubby for 12 years now and my mother still tries to talk me into leaving him in EACH and EVERY conversation I have with her).
- You have a healthy and happy child - that is the greatest blessing of all and there are so many wonderful women who would give half their lives to be blessed with a healthy and happy child.
- You are pregnant with your next miracle. Congratulations!!!
- Etc. etc. etc.

My first instinct, as I read your initial post, was to ask about cultural issues (and Baby Einstein beat me to it - great minds think alike! ) I am originally from Eastern Europe and my mother is a successful and established scientist who has been very career-oriented and has had great expectations for me throughout my life. In each of our conversations she makes it amply clear how terribly disappointed she is in the way I have "failed" in my career aspirations. Not only does she refer to the past, but she also talks about the fact that the future is looking bleak - because I am getting too old (I'm almost 32), and because I have the burden of my family "weighing" me down like a "100 ton anchor" (her words). She regularly and harshly stresses the point that I am a complete failure in life and will never amount to anything.

The one major difference is that she is absolutely crazy about my kids - they are the light of her life, yet, as odd as this sounds, she resents me for having had them when I did (young - first one at 22, second at 27).

Furthermore, I can relate to you regarding the abortion discussion - when I was pregnant with my first, my mother called me nearly every day or talked to me in person (from the day she found out, when I was 12 weeks) until the 6th month of my pregnancy trying to convince me to have an abortion. She even enlisted friends and family members, whom she convinced that this was a terrible situation for me (unbeknownst to me and behind my back), and I would get phone calls from them (completely out of the blue, people I hadn't talked to in months or even years in some cases) about their "concerns" of how I was ruining my life.

Things were better with my second pregnancy - although she did make it amply clear that she was utterly disappointed and disapproving of it in indirect or non-verbal ways, she did not say anything negative. I hope it will be easier for you too, the second time around.

The one thing I have learned from all this (and after having shed many tears, just like romd) is how to be a better parent. I have also come to the realization that I will never be able to change my mom, or her outlook, or her philosophy of life, but... I can change my reactions to her, I can change my responses. I have come to the realization that I had been trapped in my mother's disappointment - I was nearly destroyed (internally) as a result of her "caring" criticism, which had undermined my confidence so much and in so many ways that failure had become a self-fulfilling prophecy. The situation is oddly dichotomous... simultaneously so perverse and so touching... because the reason they are so critical is the fact that they love us so much - they believe we are so incredible and so gifted, that we must be the brightest stars shining in the human sky, they expect the most incredible feats from us. Unfortunately, that is a terrible burden to place on a child - whether the child is small or grown, yet they are too blinded by their parental ambitions to realize this. This aspect of their love is toxic!

The first step towards liberation is to learn to love yourself and to separate your self-love from your parents, from their love, from their approval. Then, it is important to believe in yourself.

I have hammered this post out in a rush, so I apologize for the rambling and for any typos (no time to proofread). I will come back if I can formulate more thoughtful and concise points later... Again, sorry about the rambling, but this really touched a chord (a few chords) in me...

I can't believe so many other people are experiencing this! Up to now, I thought I was the only woman whose mother worked so hard to prevent her from having children. My friends all assume I'm exaggerating, especially since my mom constantly tells everyone that she's proud of me. She tried to talk me out of going to medical school, but now she loves hearing about it. She has adored my husband since the moment she met him.

I'm 28 and just finished my first year of medical school. My mom won't believe me because she's sure that I'm overstressing myself, but thus far, I'm so much happier than before medical school because I finally feel certain that I'm on the right path. My mom's not like the career-driven moms the rest of you describe. She was a stay-at-home mom who believes that a woman can not both have a career and be a decent mom. I must choose one or the other, and clearly I've already made my choice. It would be horribly irresponsible for me to have kids. Besides, kids take so much time, effort, and money. Recently she told me, "Sure you love them once you have them, but all in all, they just aren't worth it." Can you believe that a mom would say this to her daughter?

I don't have kids yet, but I've had the baby bug for about a year now. I'm holding off on trying at least until after Step 1, but I don't think I'll make it much longer. She senses this. Every conversation she sneaks in some comment about how she feels sorry for the children of women who work as hard as I do. She's so glad that I'm smart enough to not add children to the mix. A couple weeks ago, we were visiting with a cousin who just had a baby. At one point, the baby started crying while my husband was holding him. My husband didn't know what to do, so I took the baby, held him close and bounced him a bit. He quickly stopped crying and started smiling. My husband looked at me affectionately and made some comment about my great maternal instinct. It was, briefly, a very sweet moment. My mom promptly starting criticizing how I held the baby, acting as if I was endangering him, and wouldn't let me near him again for the rest of the visit! The baby's mother, who is quite protective as it took her 7 years to succeed in having a child, made a point to tell me that I was a natural.

My husband loves kids. He says that he'd love to be a stay at home dad or to work part-time, and he's certain that I'll be a great mom. We have lots of friends in the area who are planning on having kids in the near future. We've already discussed the possibility of sharing child care with several of them. I don't think that I could be much luckier with respect to the support I have from others in the area. I think my children would be very much loved and have many people looking out for them. But it just hurts so much to know that my own mom will always believe that I'm wrong to have children and that I'm a horrible mother. I had never even thought about her suggesting abortion. That's just absolutely mortifying. I'm so sorry, Dreamy and Sweet, that you have had to hear that from your parents. I can't even imagine how painful that would be.

Sorry for the rant, but this topic really got under my skin. It's horrible that other people have to put up with this, but it's also comforting that others are talking about it and know how it feels. I wish all of you healthy babies, adoring husbands, and the strenth to be confident that you know what's best for your own families.

It's surprising, and at the same time comforting, to hear how similar all these mothers are, and how similar we, as daughters, react to them! I especially relate to many of the things you said, sweet.

It took me a long time to realize that my mother's criticism of me are NOT an indication of her disappointment in me. (Even now, I realize this only on a rational basis; I still feel the stings of her words full-force emotionally.) She certainly speaks about me with glorious pride, but only to others, never to me. Like sweet said above, our mothers' criticisms are indeed borne of love. It is precisely because they care so much that they always have to say "something". Somehow, they've come to believe that it's their duty to "help" us - to always strive for more, to become better than we are. Little do they know how detrimental this behavior can be to the fragile self-esteems of their children.

It's NOT all negative! It also took a long time for me to realize the silver lining, but it's a big one! Like sweet, I'm convinced that I am a much better mom because of all the emotional s*** I've through. As the oldest, I had taken the brunt of my mother's "attacks". My younger sister experienced maybe 10% of what I did, although she does not realize the disparity. Now, however, we are both parents, and I see her repeating many of my mother's "bad habits" with her son. It appears that she saw enough to pattern after it, but not quite enough to develop an aversion to it. I, on the other hand, had spent years trying to get over my difficult relationships with my parents, but now I'm instinctively that much more careful with my son. I hope that I won't go overboard in the opposite direction by being over-lenient, but I think that just my awareness of it will help me become the kind of loving and supportive parent I've always longed for.

Thanks you all for such cheering and guiding posts
I loved these words of yours, Sweet.’The first step towards liberation is to learn to love yourself and to separate your self-love from your parents, from their love, from their approval. Then, it is important to believe in yourself.’
You are so right .I think I was always longing for approvals from parents and of course wanted the same love and affection as before .It became almost unachievable to have it all after marriage.
I must work on separating my individuality from their subsistence. And also learn to be content in my own surrounds.

Beth056,I applaud you for standing behind your decision to go to med school .Kids are worth the whole lot and more ,trust me . I think it’s natural to desire to have kids and wish you loads of luck .Since you are discussing with your spouse ,I assume it won’t be long before you both walk down the parenthood aisle together !!

Romd, it’s true our parents always want to steer us to achieve higher heights than ever .I remember my Mom saying that she feels that I have so much potential and it’s sad that I should wasting it all by sitting at home .
My daughter’s second year was so exhilarating for me .I remember those times as happiest times .I was really content and happy for once in my life .Everything seemed perfect in those days
But my parents had hard time seeing through as to why that is .What do I own to be so content in myself?
Mom used to call endlessly and it all did have an effect on me .Everything did become dissatisfying and I started to have doubts on my own self worth.
I think I will just have to work to love my life as it is .And believe in my self and in us as a family Together me and my hubby can achieve our career goals without sacrificing the things that make life worth living .I do believe kids and family make you unwavering and happier .
There is more to life than just working for your own goals ,your own dreams and achieving them .It’s better to work towards our dreams together as a family ,to keep our children’s happiness in place while striving to achieve professional goals .
I think if you leave all the rest and just concentrate on one part, then you have higher chances of just being alone with your own success and nothing else.
I thought marriage is all about sharing .Sharing life, career expectations, having a family together .That is what makes marriage a marriage. I would not be able to separate myself while in marriage and just do whatever it takes to achieve just my goals .I guess I will work for my goals while being there for them .That will make me more content .
Thanks you all .Your posts were very encouraging and made me feel a lot better .Thank you.