Hi,

I am looking for anyone else who is or will be attending school away from their kids. I am looking for support and advice for handling this situation.

Thanks, Mimicat

Been there, done that!

I spent the first year of medical school living 5 hours away from my husband and kids during the week and driving home on weekends. We chose to do that because our extended families were in our hometown. That said, after a year of me driving back and forth, my husband found a job down here. This has created it's own set of challenges as well, but that's beside the point.

All I can say is it CAN be done. I'm not going to lie to you and say it's a piece of cake. I was lucky to have a very supportive husband and pretty adaptable kids (ages 5 and 3 then). Make sure your school is supportive and flexible. I will tell you I cut quite a few more classes than I should so that I could make school plays and dance recitals and just spend time with my family, but I chose my curriculum based on flexibility.

I know of another mom a year ahead of me at my school who also did the cross state weekend commute, but she lasted 2 years, and scheduled all her clerkships in her hometown. This, like so many things in medical school is not easy, but can be done if you want it badly enough.

Hope this doesn't just raise more questions than it answers!

Mimicat,

I wish I could offer you some words of wisdom. I haven't been in this position...though if I'm able to gain admission to my nearest med school it will be a 1.5 hour commute w/o traffic.

I can imagine that it will be challenging for you...how far away will you be?

Kris

Hi Kris and Julie,

Thanks for your replies. Kris, I too will be only about 1.5 - 2 hrs. Too much commuting for me for every day so think we would do the home on weekends/there during the week thing. Kris, are you the Kris from Spouses board at SDN?

Julie, my kids are similar ages to yours. How did they adjust to you being away during that year? I am so primed to pursue this from every other angle, but when I lie in bed at night, I am consumed by guilt about leaving them. My husband is totally involved with them, and I know that they will be safe and happy, but I still feel that Mommy not being there for them might scar them, you know? Unfortunately, my husband is supportive but not willing to move - he has spent a few years really building up his practice. He also thinks it will be easier on all of us if I concentrate on school while there and on family when home. This is good in theory, but...

I appreciate your comments and welcome more insight/advice.

Mimicat

mimcat,

I'm not Kris...I was momofthree but changed my name to mommd2b over there when they announced that we weren't going to be able to change our usernames anymore....I thought momofthree wasn't taken very seriously

My husband is supportive of me doing this once all of my children are in school...but by then he will have been in practice here and will be a partner...(is your husband a physician too?)...he won't consider moving right now..though it will be a couple of years until I apply, so who knows...

As to being consumed by guilt...you have hit upon the main reason for my waiting so long to apply. I found that when I did my masters, I was eaten alive by feelings of guilt and inadequacy as a mother...my children are still very young, so I feel that if I give it a couple of years I'll fair a bit better. I have to say though that I was much happier, and was definately more balanced when I was studying!!!

I know that it can be tough...which is why it's great that this forum is here for us!

Kristen

I have to admit, the guilt was a big factor in why they moved down here. Now instead of feeling guilty about being away from them, I feel guilty about taking them away from their grandparents and their friends. :rolleyes:
The other main reason they came down was the travelling. It was 5 hrs each way for me every weekend, and I just burnt out on it. This year, I spent an hour in the car each way to and from school, but it was different. You won't TOO far away from your family. If something important comes up, you can go home for the day, or even the evening if you have to. That makes a big difference.

Your husband does have a good point about being able to focus on school when you're at school and the family when you're at home. I found my studying suffering this year with the girls around all the time. I felt too guilty to not spend the time with them, even when I should have been studying. Also, we had NO child care help here, so that was (and still is) a factor.

Just accept that, even though it is a totally non-productive emotion, you will feel guilty about your decision, even though you have no reason to feel guilty. The kids will weather it alot better than you will. That's just part of motherhood.

Thanks Julie,

Your input is really appreciated!

That's a great point....as a mom, I know that I feel guilty about a lot of things....but think about the example that we are setting for our children...Women CAN be good mothers and good physicians...We are teaching them to be strong, to not neglect themselves...we're teaching our daughters that they have options....there are a lot of positives.

Mimicat...I just got your PM...I've been offline a lot becaue the flu has made it's way through our home this week I would love to email you this evening...hope that's still ok?

kris

Kris,

Feel free to PM me anytime

Anyone else out there with insight/experience to share regarding attending school away from your family?

Mimicat,

Did you get my email from last week?

kristen

No Kris,

Can you resend it?

There is a good possibility that my daughter will be staying at my mother's house Monday-Friday which is about 1 hour away from where I live. This will be in effect once I start fall quarter in late September. Just the thought of it makes me sad...makes me doubt that I am a good mother.

I'm sure that there are plenty of other mom's who have or will experience this. If my daughter does end up staying at my mother's is it normal to feel TERRIBLE? I think about it everyday and at times, it gets to the point where I develop knots in my stomach.

I'm wondering if I will be doing the right thing...

Annie

Mimcat,

I will be leaving in 3 weeks to attend the post bacc program at Bryn Mawr College in Bryn Mawr PA.
My husband and 8 year old son will stay in Minnesota. I will be away for one academic year. I will be coming home on breaks about every 6 weeks. I know it will be very difficult for me and my family. However, my husband and son are VERY supportive. We are in this together. I you let you know how it goes.
I wish you luck.
Shirl

Thanks Shirl,

Good luck in your program and keep us posted with how things are going for you. Maybe you should do one of this site's diaries. Those of us who may be "leaving" to attend school would appreciate hearing about your experience if you are willing to share the ups and downs.

Mimi

I can't give any words of wisdom concerning the time away from family. However, during my undergrad in Civil Engr. there was one woman who stayed in town during the week to attend school and then commuted home on the weekends. Her children were around the ages of 7 and 10 (I'm guessing from what they looked like when they attended class with her a few times). It was VERY hard for her family and after a year and a half her husband left her and sued for custody of the kids. He won....on the basis of abandonment.

Goodness...

Thats the worst case scenario I would imagine but, oh my....

annie

It sounds to me like there must have been deeper issues there than just her attending school away from the family. He probably was the type of man who just expected his wife to do whatever he said, and stay at home to look after everything for him.

Very depressing story....

I met him once. He seemed like a nice guy. Their marriage was strained from the beginning I think. Several times during the year she would comment that her marriage was having trouble. The kids, on the other hand, spent a LOT of time with their father. He had a job that allowed him to spend half his hours working from home. He chose to be away during the hours the kids were at school and then be home with them. I think it was difficult for him to understand how anyone could leave their children for 5 days out of every week. She seemed like an attentive mother during the time I saw her with her kids, but she just wasn't there so much of the time. I don't know any more than that, except that a judge upheld the abandonment charge and granted custody to her husband.

Wow!! I just have to think, that of the many many households in which the father works away during the week, and is home only on weekends, no judge would consider that abandonment.....

It just seems so unfair!

Thanks for the heads up though about this possible scenario. I guess if I decide to do this I should at least get a legal opinion about what my rights would be if the marriage broke down (not that that is even on the radar, but you just never know what the future will bring....)

BTW, I don't think I would even consider this option if my husband wasn't 100% behind the plan. I think there are enough obstacles and challenges to face (especially when there are children involved) to do so without the support of your partner. :rolleyes: