Hi everyone,

I feel like my world is slowly crashing down. At first I wanted to call one of my friends to share, but then thought that I don't want to burden her with my relationship problems. So writing here is an opportunity to vent, as I am completely at a loss.

Here is my story. I am 29 and have been married for 4 years. It happened that my relationship with my husband has always been long distance, even while we were dating (and this year will be 10 years that I have known him). I have been in a PhD program in New York for the past 6 years while he was in Princeton. Even though New York and Princeton are not that far away, he refused to find a place in between because he hates commuting. Thus we ended up in separate apartments in different cities, an arrangement I did not like but chose not to force anything on him. He also said he would be worried if I had to commute every day, and that I would be tired, so the arrangement was for our own benefit. We could still see each other every weekend, which worked ok.

Last fall he moved to upstate New York to start a new job, and distance wise it is the farthest we have been apart. Professionally-wise everything was working great. I always dreamed of going into medicine and when he got the job last April, I had no hesitation of where to apply to med school. I worked very hard, taking the MCAT in August, filling out applications, etc... And I was extremely happy to get in into my first choice - which is in the city where he lives. I thought that finally we could be together.

While our professional lives were doing well, the relationship has started to fail. I don't know what exactly happened (stress from his job search, or myself being too preoccupied with MCAT and med school), but over the past year our intimate live has gone basically to zero. From being quite normal he has gone virtually impotent. When I bring it up, he gets defensive and says he is fine and it is all in the attitude (my attitude, of course). Talking about it does not help at all. I suggested that he should seek medical help, but he has been reluctant to do so. Other than that, being with him was not all so bad, and we still get along okay.
At least this was what I thought until today when he dropped on me over the phone that he thinks we may not suit each other and therefore we suffer unnecessarily. Oh, and that he does not want a family (or does not want a family with me, I did not quite get it). This last statement was especially upsetting, because before he convinced me to get a deferral from med school for a year (which I did) so we could start a family.

Basically, this makes me feel like I am losing ground and being far away from him I also feel helpless to do anything about it. I cannot help but think that after all these years trying to keep the relationship alive, he wants to throw it away. I am 4 months away from finishing PhD. I was planning to move upstate afterwards, but it looks like he would prefer me to spend a year before med school in New York as a post-doc instead. And then what? I don't know....

Sorry for a long post. I am not looking for specific answers, since there may not be any.

Okay, this may suprise you in what I am going to say and I'm sorry and I might get flamed or appear that I am "jumping to conclusions" but, is there any possibility that he may be a homosexual? I wouldn't have thought that way had I not known about his inability to gain/keep an erection concerning you. Had this never been a problem in the past?

I know someone who married a guy who (later) admitted that he always thought he was gay but trying to play a "normal" societal role--marry, have kids, etc. I won't go into details but some of the things you said rang a bell in my head, but of course, you haven't completely ellaborated on the situation.

Sorry, if what I asked offends you. Sorry things are not going well.

I'm sorry you are going through this! Especially after you worked so hard to be able to move to where he lives.

It sounds like he has reasons for preferring to live separately, and he is threatened in some way by the prospect of living together for the first time. You might want to approach him with a totally open mind and see if he would tell you what is on his mind. Maybe, as Premed RN says, he is gay or bisexual, or maybe there is something else going on that he feels ashamed about. Or he might be worried about becoming a parent. It is not necessarily a reflection on you at all. Maybe counseling would provide a place where he would feel comfortable talking about it.

I think you are lucky that you are dealing with this *before* starting a family, and *before* starting medical school. I hope it all works out!

Okay, this may suprise you in what I am going to say and I'm sorry and I might get flamed or appear that I am "jumping to conclusions" but, is there any possibility that he may be a homosexual? I wouldn't have thought that way had I not known about his inability to gain/keep an erection concerning you. Had this never been a problem in the past?
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There has never been a problem in the past. Funny enough, I have thought about it before and I asked him the question on a couple of occasions. He basically keeps saying that he is not interested in men and as an example mentions that when a friend convinced him to go to gay club (this was way back in college) he found the scene repulsive. So I don't think that is the problem. I wish I knew what is. Like I said, we had a wonderful relationship up until a year ago when he got his new job.

I am also probably to blame, since because of the situation I would have bouts of frustration/depression and everytime we saw each other we would end up arguing. I just don't know what I can do regarding his intimacy problem if he is not willing to address it. We tried going away for vacation, or making the scene more romatic, but nothing helped. What puzzles me is that he is upset not because he does not have sex for months, but because of my reaction. As if I did not mention anything he would be perfectly fine.

This whole situation and the long-distance relationship when you cannot see eye to eye is really getting to me. What is frustrating is that I can't really talk to anyone close to me about it without a chance of upsetting them. My parents are out of the question. They will probably end up blaming everything on him, which is likely not the case. My husband's mom and I are very close and she is a very wise woman. I would love to talk to her about it, but saying that her son is impotent and does not want to have a family with me? That would break her heart. But I feel that I need help from somewhere. I love him and I want to get over it.

You need counseling ASAP. Do you think he'll agree to it? There are obviously major issues in your marriage; you can't just wait to see what happens and if things get better, especially since it looks like he doesn't want to open up to you or discuss your problems. Counseling would help you tremendously. Good luck, I hope it all works out.

You need counseling ASAP. Do you think he'll agree to it? There are obviously major issues in your marriage; you can't just wait to see what happens and if things get better, especially since it looks like he doesn't want to open up to you or discuss your problems. Counseling would help you tremendously. Good luck, I hope it all works out.
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Thanks for the advice. How would I find a counselor? Can anyone suggest a good one in Manhattan area? How much do they charge? I have never done anything like that before. Thanks again.

I few posters seem to think there may be some gay/bisexual issues but what about the possiblity that he's having an affair? That seems more "logical"(if there's any such thing). With very few exceptions, I've NEVER met/heard of a man that didn't already have his next relationship lined up before completely getting out of another relationshp.

OTOH,I also think that these types of ebbs and flows especially sexual ones, are perfectly normal in a long term relationship.

Yeah that is true...you don't quit one job unless you have another one lined up. The reason why I didn't think he was having, at least, a heterosexual affair is because even still he should be able to "rise to the occassion" if you know what I mean. Most men, given an attractive woman--whether they "like" her or not don't have any problems in that area--heck, the women don't even have to be attractive!

NYgirl, what made you ask him in the past if he was gay? Impotence? Does he have any health problems? Taking medicine? How did he respond? Outraged? Liberally? I don't know, I could be wrong but my instincts say he may not be "straight."

NYgirl, what made you ask him in the past if he was gay? Impotence? Does he have any health problems? Taking medicine? How did he respond? Outraged? Liberally? I don't know, I could be wrong but my instincts say he may not be "straight."
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I asked him (as a joke, actually) when several months passed and we were still in that phase where nothing happened. He responded normally, I mean, no outrage (which he is uncapable of or otherwise I would not have married him in the first place) or other negative emotions. He just said he is not. By the way, he never says he does not want to be intimate (in fact, he says he has feelings for me), it is just that nothing happens between us. Whatever occured in his life after he got that job offer, things rapidly rolled downhill. Before, we were happy, actually.

From what I know, he is very healthy, and he practices karate regularly. No medications. Gosh, if I only knew how to set this straight... I am so tired of all this, but I do want to make our relationship work.

I have to agree with path. Women will leave a marriage because they're unhappy, but most men won't have the courage to leave unless there's someone else. Some still don't have the courage then and just let the relationship deteriorate until the woman decides to break up.

That and the fact that your problems started once he moved to his new job... Could there be another woman in the new town or at his new job?

As for counseling, it can be pretty expensive but I'm sure it's worth it if it saves your marriage. I'm sure there are plenty of marriage counselors in NY. It would be best if someone could refer you to one, but otherwise just pick up the Yellow Pages.

Good luck.

Wow...what a story...I really don't know what to tell you except to pray about it...

After I read the story...I wondered about an affair as well...or perhaps even an homosexual affair...

Since...these problems...have only started to occur....after he took the new job....one must wonder...what social, emotional, sexual or psychologically changes have occured in his life...since he moved to that job...

Worst case scenerio for you is...he's either turned gay...having an affair...taking drugs...with the wrong in crowd...severely suffering from psychological problems (depression) or excessive stress on the job...

Best case scenerio...that though the situation is tough...after prayer it gets better...and he eventually comes around...

Maybe there is some unhappiness on his part...about his life...and where it is headed....perhaps he feels like he has to regain control...or maybe he knows the problem...but won't tell you...because he says he doesn't want a family...but is impotent all of the sudden now...or maybe he has a health problem...that he learned about...that he doesn't want you to know about...

The thing is...there are plenty of speculations that could come to mind....It won't do us any good...wondering about it...Pray about it...and try to get help...to find the real problem...and the best solution...I wish you the best of luck with this...and Congrats on medical school acceptance...I just wish it involved better circumstances. God Bless...and I hope it works out in your best interest

I have lots of questions -
- What was your relationship like before he took this new job?
- Was there frequent intimacy/every time you saw each other?
- Did you feel close emotionally, even if most of the emotional realationship took place on the phone?
- Did you show affection in other ways - holding hands, hugs, kisses, flirting/being playful with each other, laughing together?
- Has this changed since the newest move?
- How often do you usually see each other - every weekend, one weekend a month? How often do you talk on the phone?

I, too, think it sounds like he's found someone else. Maybe he's not formally cheating yet, but there may be someone that he might be feeling close to lately, closer than he feels to you, and he might be wanting to start something with them...or just comparing his attraction to that person to the lack of closeness he feels with you, making him either disinterested in intimacy with you, or feeling guilty for his desires for someone else, also making him incapable of intimacy with you.
I don't want to be upsetting you, but you have to face this as a strong possibility here.

I had a long distance relatinship for about 3 years with my husband prior to marriage, but have lived together in the years since marriage. It is very hard to sustain an emotional connection when you don't see the other person every day. But we were able to do it and when we did see each other, let me tell you, sparks would fly. In a way, having to keep up a connection long distance in the past makes residency a bit easier - he's okay with me being gone overnight on call Q3, working lots of weekeinds - we have a trust and a closeness that is still maintaned even if we don't get to spend nearly as much time together as we'd like.

But 10 years of living in different cities is very hard...I have to say I've never heard of anyone making it through something like that. Part of it sounds like he's inflexible in commuting, letting you commute, or taking a job where you are - marriage is about comprimises and he doesn't seem to be much good at that. You are now finally a point where you can be together and now he is pulling away - I hope that maybe he will at least let you move out there and see how it goes before giving up.

I have to wonder also...if you look back on things has he been trying to get out of this for some time and you're just not taking the hints? Was the refusal to move near you supposed to push you to break it off with him? Was asking you to take a year off and not start school immediately something he thought surely would be a "deal-breaker" fight? And then when you did it, made that sacrifice for the relationship, he now goes opposite that and says he doesn't want a family - now throwing out what he hopes to be another "deal-breaker" for you?
I know a man should come out and say it if he wants to end a relationship, but are sometimes too whimpy and would rather force you to end it.