Advice from parents needed, PLEASE!!!

I'd never felt so overwhelmed before, watching my little smily-faced darling scream at the top of his lungs for over 15 min! It seemed like hours and was so painful to me! It was especially shocking since he hardly ever cries, usually going for days without a second of displeasure.

It was this afternoon, when I was busy trying to get some stuff done. He had been playing quietly on his own, but it was way past his naptime. I had lost track of time and didn't realize. He approached me asking to nurse. (I've been trying to wean this "breast-lover" during the day, but he usually does have a "snack" before nap.) At first I said ok, but then I discovered that he had a huge poopy diaper. When I tried to change it, he started crying, probably thinking that I'm refusing to nurse him again. As I wiped his bottom, he started fighting me more and more. Usually he's pretty easy to distract, but this time he might have been extra-grouchy from sleepiness, the weaning, and teething a new molar... Anyway, by the time I finished his diaper, he was screaming and inconsolable, tossing himself allover the bed, nearly falling off a few times.

I didn't know what to do!!! At first I didn't want coddle him and reward this kind of behavior with holding him or nursing. But he showed no signs of letting up. Finally I gave in and picked him up, but he didn't respond to my talking, singing, or rocking as he normally would. Eventually I gave in and nursed him to sleep.

This was my worst 15 minutes of the past 15 months of being a mom. My heart ached; still does. I felt so bad for him, and so guilty for making him cry like that. Even now, he's sniffling as he sleeps! He's been such an unusually happy and good-natured baby. Am I affecting his personality by forcing the diaper change, or by weaning perhaps before he's ready? Maybe I should hold off on weaning him from the breast until his 1st and 2nd molars grow in? Or until he's a bit older and understands more?

Please let me know what you more experienced moms do in situations like this... How should I respond? And how do I minimize future occurrences? Thanks in advance!

How old is he?

oops. Just noticed you put 15 months at the top. Will have to think about this.

Hi, Romd.
I'm not so much more experienced, but my heart goes out to you! Even when I'm "parenting with confidence" and my little sweeties react with such terrible crying -- even though I know it was right for them -- my heart breaks.
Some thoughts:
1) it's important for kids to know that their parents make mistakes. So, even when you've made a "bad" decision, they can still learn from it / you (i.e. you're a good Mommy, not everything is perfect. FRUSTRATION TOLERANCE)
2) You describe a hungry, probably overtired child. a] probably not a teachable moment for him b] not normal behavior for him; like everyone who is overtaxed, he needed a little extra coddling. Doesn't mean he'll demand it next time it's a regularly scheduled nap.
3) And, I think I would have just barreled through and changed a poopy diaper pre-nursing, too! It's hard when they're so angry they JUST-CAN'T-HEAR-YOU, but ultimately he got fed, changed, and put to rest in a safe place, by his always-there Mommy. Remember, he asked to nurse before he tantrumed; you weren't rewarding the tantrum behavior, you were helping your overtired baby to sleep.

*sigh* It's harder on us than them. I hope he's all smiles again.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You're not doing anything wrong. It's just that people have been lying to us all along: the terrible twos start around the middle of the second year! You did just the right thing. I'm not even sure I would call it a real tantrum since he was hungry and seemed to have a good reason to cry initially, but then got so worked up he couldn't calm down. He probably didn't even remember why he was crying after a while.

But, when real tantrums do come along, the best thing is prevention: avoid tantrum-inducing situations when you can (past naptime, hungry, tired...).

The other thing, for me, is to just not pay attention if my son is throwing a tantrum for absolutely no reason. (Now I don't think that was the case for your boy this time, and he's still really little, so I probably wouldn't do that unless he starts throwing tantrums regularly - and he will later... I'm sorry to say). The key is to be consistent in not giving in, and you'll see the tantrums will quickly go down in duration and frequency. Some days my boy still tries to throw one and when I walk away, he's done within 30 seconds (he used to scream and cry for so so so long before!). And of course, lots of love after the tantrum is done. This has worked really well for us, except we're undermined by a live-in grandma who gives in to everything... but we're working on that.

Good luck! I have found the 18-to-22-month period to be very "interesting"! I'm sure it will be even more son in the months to come!

Not to be the bearer of bad news... but my 4 yo is still tantrum-ing. He is slightly more creative than your run-of-the-mill lay in the floor and cry routine, but they are tantrums nonetheless. I find for my personal kids they tend to tantrum more when they are not getting enough attention (or at least think they aren't)... so sometimes a well timed hug can nip a brewing tantrum in the bud. ("You sound like you need a hug.") The older 2 will come and tell me they need a hug now before going ballistic. Good luck to us all! :p

Favorite baby tantrum caught on tape: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZT0uaqt_2Dk

I had a little girl I babysat that did this to some degree. She'd give up when I'd leave the room and start up as soon as she'd chased me down and knew I could see her.

Looking back at this from 23.5 years of parenting 3 kids (2 of whom were MASTERS of the tantrum), all I have to say is, just be glad he did it in the quiet and privacy of your own home, and not on a fully-booked flight from Chicago to LA. LOL
Seriously, stuff sets kids off, you'll drive yourself crazy if you feel guilty every time he has a tantrum (many of them will be caused by nothing that you did), and kids do get over this and move on. So will you. The best treatment is prevention (I know, not always possible) As already stated, keep in mind his hunger and fatigue status when you do stuff and plan stuff. Before you know it he'll be 16, behind the wheel of your new car, and out past curfew, and you'll look back on his first tantrum with fondness.

that You-Tube video was hilarious! My little brother used to do the same thing when he was little, and he turned out fine and isn't scarred for life or anything. In fact, he denies any memory of throwing tantrums. I'm fearful that the younger of my twin boys will pick up this behavior (they're only 15 months too). Tantrums are probably worse for the parents in the long run than for the child.

My humble parenting opinion is that you never know what will set a temper tantrum off there is no harm in giving into a 15 month old. I would try everything - food, drink, rocking, whatever I though would work to try to get it to stop. But don't beat yourself up - these things happen - and they are normal.

Only recently (past month) have I started labelling my son's fits (which might happen every 3 weeks or so) true temper tantrums - he is 23 months old. Consoling does not work. He seems to truely need to calm himself down on his own. When he finally enters the sniffling phase I go to him and we sit in front of a mirror and I make sad and happy faces and he will to. I may be really crazy but he seems to get this and even pointed to the pain scale at the docs office today and said "happy" and "sad". So I feel like cognitively he seems ready to begin to try to manage his emotions.

But I would have done exactly what you did at 15 months. You sound like a great mom to me

Thanks so much, everyone, for sharing your experiences and for all of your great advice. Luckily he's back to his sweet self... for now anyway. I'm glad to hear how common this behavior is. Hopefully it won't happen again for a long time (I know, wishful thinking!), but the next time it does, at least I'll have some idea how to handle it.

My boy has now moved on from tantrums to manipulative charming behavior. I've been home for a few weeks now, so grandma doesn't give him what he wants all the time anymore and he realizes that tantrums don't work. So now he comes around with a big smile, tells me "mommy, I wuv you," followed by hugs and lots of kisses. Then he asks for his cookie again (or whatever it is he wants, like going for a walk yesterday, in the middle of a thunderstorm). And he's not even 2!!! How did he figure it out?!?

Sounds adorable, Einstein! I can't wait until my little guy can say, "Mommy, I wuv you!" too.