I am married to the father of my children, he has 3 children of his own who we raise together. Their mom, kinda dropped this first 2 off at his mom's and he had them eversince then, and that was years ago. The last one my hub has raised since he was 5, right before he started Kindergarten. He is now 11. We have never received any child support from her, she always made broken promises, never really saw them, or gave them B-day presents...just awful. She is 35 years old. All this time she has been single, able to do anything she aspired to do, but hasnt bettered herself. She has never really had to worry about a babysitter, or paying one for that matter. She doesnt even own a car now for heaven sakes! To me, there is no excuse for this. We are footing all the bills, all she has to do is support herself. Heres the issue at hand: She calls the kids and tells them they can come over, and she expects us to drop them off and pick them up. Im sorry, but most of the time, my hub is working,--I work too, go to school, and I have to drag the little ones out if I did such a thing. My life is busy enough without her making me her taxi. I feel if she cant provide the transportation, she shouldnt offer to invite them over. I think if a mom really wanted to see her kids, it would be more of a reason to get a car. She does work. I dont want to add to her irresonsiblility---if I drop them off, why get a car? You would think she would have one anyway. At the same time, I dont want the kids to feel ambivalent towards me----so I have left it up to their dad. He has dropped them off and picked them up----but in retrospect, he says he isnt going to do it. Mind you, she is not a consistent mom---you never know if she's going to follow through with what she says. I think now, the reason she's inviting them over more is because she doesnt have to tend to them---the hard part is over. The oldest is 14.5. What do you all think?

I would have the "mother" make arrangements for pick-up & drop-off.

If she really wants to see the kids, she'll find a way.

I agree with Dr. Moo...

...I would most definately have the mother make transportation arrangements. Afterall, what if one of the children had an "issue" and needed to be taken somewhere (hospital, doctor's office, pharmacy, grocery store, etc.) how would she see to it they got what they needed, or got to where they needed to go? In that same way, she can arrange to pick them up and drop them off...if she really wants to.

I wouldn't stress about it...I would say to her "sure, you can absolutely spend time with the kids...when do you wanna come get them?...oh, sorry, I can't bring them to you, but if you are able to come pick them up, by all means, you are certainly welcome to spend as much time with them as you want to."

You're right, if a mother wants to see her children, she puts forth more of an effort.

Then I dont feel so bad about it for the kids. The problem is, is that she NEVER calls and talks to either my husband or myself. There's 6 kids in the house, so with the first 4 in school, the phone rings off the hook with their friends. (Drives me nutts), I dont know all the time when she calls. Just a before Christmas, she called and asked them if they wanted to come over like the 23rd, they told her they didnt know because they may have to watch my youngest 2. How this came about is because I schedule myself like, 1.5-2 mos in advance, I work evenings because my husband almost always works days, that way, there is only a couple hours until he gets home to the kids. Well wouldnt you know he took a project at this company who coulnt have the crew there during the day. GO FIGURE. So the only choice I had was for the oldest to watch the 3 and 4 yr old. Well anyhow, they asked their dad if I had to work and told them he didnt think so, but didnt know. All this time I had NO CLUE she ever called, and I dont know if my hub did either. So on this particular day that they were supposed to go, the oldest answered the phone and then asked, "Can we go to our moms now, she cooked a turkey for us ?"
What!!!!!!?????? "I have to work today.----I was definately made out to be the bad guy. I had no prior knowlege even about the whole theing. So I called her and told her she needed to arrange things with an ADULT, and in ADVANCE. She said the kids told her I didnt have to work---which was found out to be a LIE. She was passing it of on the kids. And to tell ya the truth, Im not convinced she even baked a turkey. She has that mentality, to make things appear like she went out of her way, and really didnt, based passed experinces with her.
Yep, Im the bad guy now. But I couldnt call off, because I have to work (especially when Im out of school on break) to support the kids she offers no financial support on. Dont get me wrong, Im not complaining about helping, I love those kids. But it really gets under my skin.
Sorry for the loooooong post!

What a frustrating situation! No matter what efforts you put forth there is always some issue that will make you appear as the "bad guy". Well, you're NOT; she is and don't ever think such thoughts about yourself.

I speak from some experience of my own. Is your husband the sole custody parent (mine was)? If the childrens' mother indeed works then a trip to family court should be in order to have child support guarnished from her wages. Just a suggestion but I don't know the laws in your state nor what was previously arranged, if anything.

My true admiration for you to have stepped up to the plate, so to speak, to raise those children whose mother lacks in so many ways. They are truly blessed to have you in their lives.

Thanks for complimenting me as their stepmother. The child support deal is a whole other issue. Initially, my husband had the first two, and she had the last. So child support wasnt established because he would end up paying her for one child, and she would supposed to be paying for two, which my husband knew wouldnt happen. Well when the youngest was 5, they went to my hub's lawyer and he was granted joint custody. Well, it has been 6 years now...and she never lived up to her portion of the agreement, my hub had an appt. with the child support division at the courthouse, had to cancel because business had been slow, and went back to work the time the appt was scheduled. He never rescheduled, doesnt like to take off work.....yet he will for a dental appt. Yeah, doesnt make a whole heck of a lot of sense. He says now he needs to make an appointment and look for his paperwork. I told him that the kids deserve that money, that they are entitled to it and the oldest is already going on 15. This is an issue for us. We cant really afford a lawyer because our family has grown to 6 kids, etc.etc. But the child support divison would only charge us little. Still dont know if they could help with the custody issue...Big Mess. He said the lawyer told him when he got joint not to go for full, to wait until she didnt live up to her part of the deal...well I think he was money hungry, she would have given him full, besides, she couldnt afford her own lawyer to fight. She wouldnt have fought anyway......
I have such a hard time financially going to school. It bugs me. It really does, to think at some point I may have to give up my dreams to be able to provide for her children in addition to my own because she doesnt. But ya know, I would do it in a heartbeat. Until we get the child support, I will just have to cross each bridge when I get there. Like I have been doing. So far so good with some hardships that I always seem to overcome somehow.
Thanks for listening,
Dana

Just in case I didnt make the custody thing clear, my husband has always had full custody on the first 2, but has joint on the last one.