Whoa, nearly 2 weeks have gone by and I barely noticed the time fly!

I just reread my last post and thought it was interesting because in the last week I have had to listen to 2 other people make racist comments on separate occasions. Actually, one time I had to listen because the person was our host for a party and he was my friend's father. I didn't like the idea of calling out her dad, you know? The other person, however, was a vendor at a fair. My husband, our friend and I were talking with her about some totally non-race thing and the woman with her up and says something about "those creepy Mexicans that do the landscaping." Then her friends says "Well, you married one." (she's not Latina, btw) And she says "Oh, he's different. He's from El Salvador." :yes:

So today I think I'll cover some Endocrinology since I have seen very little of it on the wards and never particularly excelled at it to start with. No more "well, that's not my strong suit anyway." It's time to step it up a bit! (*groan* no pun intended!)

Well, first of all, Step II studying is EONs better than Step I. It starts with the fact that I already have a clue about most of the information I'm reviewing. :p It's almost all case-based patient care, meds, diagnosis, etiology, physiology...the stuff you think you're going to be learning when you're in med school. I'm reading a certain number of pages of my review books each day and then doing about 120 practice questions. Amazingly, I started with scores in the average range before I had even cracked open a book. What a relief! Step I was such a misery for me that I've been dreading this second test for months already.

I'm probably spending 8-9 hours of the day studying or doing practice questions. Somehow though, it's so much less painful than this much focused study was for preclinical work.

Today my study buddy and I found a great new coffee shop to study in. The coffee is a million times better than Starbucks, it's fairly quiet, the music is pleasant but non-intrusive, and the decor is just my style. Shoot, I'd like to have their interior designer do my house! :yes:

Scary to think that someday I really will be the person with all the knowledge and have to give that advice in the role of someone's physician. Without backup of attendings!

Okay, time to get ready for bed. I can't wait for the marathon training season to be over. (yes, I said it!) I've been getting up at the wee hours of the morning and running my butt off for nearly 6 months now! These days I have to wake up at 3:40am twice a week to get my 12 miles done and be home before hubby leaves at 6am. Yowza. Surely I have lost my mind. And yet, I can pretty much eat anything I want while running 56+ miles/week and this'll probably be the last marathon or major race I run for several years. (I hear residency takes up some of your free time)

So, onward. Tally Ho!

This is something I wrote today while having a mini pity-party for myself. It's kinda honest, but I thought it was worth posting because I know I'm not the only one who feels this way.

I’m not perfect enough

Here’s why:

1- I don’t weigh 125 lbs and have 18% bodyfat like other better runners.
2- A 10:45 pace is speed training for me. For other people it’s a jog!
3- I can’t do better than 69% of other Step II practice test takers.
4- I can’t stop being hungry and wanting to eat. I can’t focus when hungry.
5- I can’t do everything and make it look easy.
6- I don’t look like Angelina Jolie.
7- I’m not 25 anymore. I have lines on my face.
8- My house is always messy.
9- I don’t decorate beautifully for the holidays.
10- I can’t bellydance or tango or salsa
11- I’m self-concious
12- I don’t speak Spanish
13- I don’t life weights or do ab exercises
14- Words slip my mind
15- I forget people’s birthdays
16- I’m a crappy gift-giver
17- I worry about my lack of perfectionism but rarely do anything about it
18- I can’t run a sub-30 min 5k for crissakes!
19- I don’t cook often enough
20- I don’t have enough energy
21- I’m not the smartest, kindest, fastest, strongest, hottest, wittiest, prettiest, or best person on the planet.

Rebuttal:

1- My god woman, you weighed 165lbs and had 34% bodyfat 3 years ago. Now you’re 140 with 27% and still working at it.
2- 3 years ago you couldn’t have run a ½ mile without stopping, now you run marathons. And besides, the 10:45 is your marathon speed pace. You can run a 9 min mile.
3- So what. You’ve just started studying and 2 of those tests were messed up!
4- You run 56+ miles a week. Your genetics do not predispose you to being a lean athlete. You are trying to remake yourself and it’s hard and it always will be. Doesn’t mean you can’t get there, though. Oh yeah, and who else training for this marathon at these miles is in med school???
5- Whatever. Bree makes it look easy and she’s seriously screwed up. We don’t want that.
6- Only Angelina looks like Angelina. Again with the genetics. How many smiles and nods do you get when you dress up? Hubby doesn’t want a silicon woman, he wants you.
7- Since when was it better to be 25? You had a toddler and no clue about what to do with your life. *one eyebrow* And the lines are on your face because you lost the fat underneath them!!!
8- You have a family of 5, three of them are kids who don’t pick up after themselves. You’re in med school and training for a marathon and writing research papers and studying for exams. Which would you like to give up so that you have more free time for cleaning? *eyebrow again*
9- So get out the freaking decorations and employ the kids to help out!!!
10- Easily remedied if it’s really bothering you. Take lessons.
11- You were born that way. Work on it. Practice the belly dancing for hubby!
12- Yeah, sorry. And your free time for languages is when? And it’s necessary why? Isn’t this just gratuitous guilt? Seriously.
13- Okay. So once the marathon is over, start lifting again. You could be doing abs instead of beating yourself up. Better abs, fewer emotional bruises. :p
14- And they always have and they always will. Stressing about it makes it worse.
15- So write them down and check the calendar!
16- No you aren’t. Children are just that way. Take some time and think about it if it bothers you!
17- Now that’s just stupid. Stop trying to be a model for superwoman and be you. You is good. You is great. You is unique.
18- Eh, a couple of bad days to try and do it. So what? You’ll get it in the Spring. And if you don’t, I highly doubt St Peter is going to mention it at the pearly gates.
19- Twice this week already, what more do you want? See #8
20- Because you need better SLEEP. See end of December for more!
21- You are to your kids, your parents and your husband. Really, does anyone else matter?

So I decided to take my very good friend up on her invitation to spend a week out at her parents house in a rather rural area. They have an absolutely beautiful home surrounded by trees and hills and birds. It's lovely! I've been waking up at 6:30-6:45am after 9 hours of sleep and feeling like a million bucks! :laughing: It's a vacation with study time!

It's amazing how much work I can get done when I'm not responsible for anyone but myself and someone else is cooking dinner! Her parents are so sweet and kind and really understand how important the studying is. Added to that, they even went through the trouble to find routes for me to do my runs! It's obvious where my friend's generous spirit comes from.

I miss my kids and my hubby, but I have to admit that I am loving this Step II retreat. It's a wonder how much better my brain functions when the only thing I have to think is the exam and I've had plenty of sleep. Makes me wonder how I do it sometimes.

We're here until Friday and then back home. Another week of studying after that and then the exam. I think I may even be able to get a score that I wouldn't be embarrassed to admit to.

Studying all this adult medicine again also reminds me of how happy I am to be going into Pediatrics!

Okay, this study retreat to my friend's parent's house was the best idea ever. Not only am I well-rested and ahead of schedule on my studying, but I'm getting the distinct message that my hubby misses me! He's been calling my family and our mutual friends and telling them to call and ask me about my "countrified B&B." I've gotten voicemails asking me about the barn-raising, the hoe-down and cow-tipping! :rotfl:

It's not really like that here, but it keeps me laughing and it's obvious that he wants me to know that I'm on his mind. It's good to be missed. We haven't been apart this long in 3 1/2 years and even then it was always him leaving on business trips. I think he has a new appreciation of coming home to me each day. It's good for both of us.

More serious topic:

My grandmother, the only grandparent I've ever known (others passed away) is being moved to a nursing home today. Her Alzheimer's (or whatever it is) is so advanced now that her husband and my mom can no longer care for her even with some help. She is no longer mobile and hasn't been for well over a year now. She can't even move her hands enough to scratch her nose. She barely recognizes even my mom now. She hasn't spoken in a long time. It's so tough because we all know she never wanted to be in a home. But, it's become impossible to care for her around the clock and my step-granddad is beginning to have serious back problems from having to turn and change her all the time. He's also unable to leave the house unless someone is there to sit with her. I'm amazed he hasn't given up and run screaming from the house by now. It's more work than having an infant really. With a baby at least you can put him in a carseat and drive to a store or a neighbor's house.

So I'm sad that it's the holidays and this is happening, but I'm also relieved to know that he will be able to join the rest of the family at church and at Christmas dinner this year without worrying about leaving her. And, she'll be able to get better medical care. She hasn't seen a doctor in over 6 months because of the impossibility of moving her now.

I pray for my mother's sake and for my step-grandfather that this is an easy transition for them and that grandma doesn't have too much difficulty. The guilt would do my mother in if something bad happened shortly after they transferred her. Still, I know the possibility of an infection is much higher in a group home and that this will likely be the cause of her death since she has no other medical problems. Such a difficult position, such a tough choice for her husband and children.

But you know, I thought I would be more distraught at this point. Writing about it I realize I have more peace with this decision than I expected. I suppose it's because I know this is what is best for the people who love her. Watching her husband and my mother agonize over this for months now has been so difficult.

So, time to get back to the books and practice questions. A little more than a week and I will be free and clear for the holidays! I've got all kinds of projects in mind for the house since my friend and I have been talking home decorating and all kinds of fun stuff in our non-study time.

Well, studying at home isn't nearly as easy or pleasant as our retreat. No surprise there! I think it's a combination of distractions and burn-out. After 2 1/2 weeks of thinking about this all the time, I'm just really sick of it! :p I know I'm going to pass this test unless a hole opens up in the earth and swallows me in the middle of it. Trying to make myself work more and harder to drag a few more points out of it is feeling less and less desirable. Now that I'm dealing with family life again, it seems less vital, too.

Today I finally had to quit at 11am (started at 9am) when I realized my head was killing me and I had just guessed at the last 3 practice questions so I could get them over with! Well, 2 more weeks of these 58 mile weeks and then we start to taper off on the miles and I start to get more sleep!

I finally signed up for my last 2 week selective yesterday. I have one in mid-late Jan and the last one in late Feb/early March. Then I should be done with all my med school requirements! Oh, except for the autopsy which I really need to schedule and have been avoiding forever. *groan*

I can't believe I'll be graduating in about 5 months. I was reading some of my early blog entries and they seem so, so long ago. And who knows what the next 3 1/2 years hold for me. But, it'll be what I want to be doing and I hope I'll be able to do it well.

Not quite sure what to write about today, but I feel inclined to write something.

One of the boys got his braces off today. I haven't seen him yet since his grandfather took him to the appt. I wanted to take him myself at first, but realized that 10am is prime study time for me and that I probably wouldn't make that time up later in the day. I know myself!

I happily got through 2 question sets this by 2pm today. Very nice. My scores aren't really improving that much now, but that's not so surprising. I'm just trying to keep my brain thinking in the right direction until Monday! It'll be such a relief once this test is done. I hate having it hanging over my head.

I miss being in the hospital, but I don't miss the pressure and the hours so much. :p At least, not enough to take an extra elective right now! If I could work 7am-5pm with no call, I would. Kinda idealized, I know! It's just that I know I'm going to work so much next year during my intern year and I know I'll be missing my kids and husband and I just want to spend more time around them while I can.

Speaking of which, I think I'm taking my daughter to get her first pedicure tomorrow! Sure, I didn't get one until I was about 30 years old, but what the heck. I promised her one if she would stop picking at her nails and keep them trimmed so they don't tear. She's done pretty well, so I'm holding up my end of the bargain. While I'm there I'll be taming these caterpillars on my forehead. :goodvibes: So proud of her! As I write this I realize I don't want to do things to try and change her. (Okay, I may push the pimple cream and more frequent hair washing a bit!)

Same thing with my geeky brilliant son who doesn't want to cut his hair. Should I force him to have at least a reasonable cut so he looks less like he's been attacked by a weed-wacker??? Where do you draw the line between helping your kid and pushing them to be something they aren't or don't want to be?

You know life is pretty easy simple when you have time to contemplate these things!!!

What a relief! I took Step 2 yesterday and survived. Honestly, it's so much easier than Step 1, but since I wanted a much higher score I was still stressing about it. I really have no idea how I did, but I'm fairly certain it's better than the first one. Mostly though, it's just a relief to not have that hanging over my head anymore.

I finally got some Christmas shopping done today. Yes, one week before the holiday and I'm getting around to my shopping. Luckily it was a pretty productive day. Without the pressure of the studying and time constraints I was able to be more creative and organized at the same time.

I cannot believe it's only 5 months until graduation! Finishing that step exam was yet another hurdle out of the way. All that's left are a couple of two week rotations! Amazing.

Which reminds me, what on earth are we going to do for the kids when I start residency? Suddenly childcare sounds simple! My mom agrees. She says I should basically ignore most of it and step in when they step over the line. My brothers turned out okay, so maybe she's onto something there. One thing I know for sure, I'm sick to death of negotiating their arguments! The good news is, when they aren't fighting they're best friends. Guess that's family for ya!

So I'm still having trouble sleeping and feeling generally anxious. Why, I wonder, am I feeling this way now that the exam is behind me? I'm not sitting around worrying about my score. I can't even think about getting it until late Jan. I've been waiting for a month for this week to arrive. A time when I finally have nothing major on my plate for a short while!

I had lunch with my husband today and he suggests "it's probably because you're idle." Well, in the past it has certainly been true that I get antsy and feel useless when I'm not actively doing something. But as he's walking away from the table to refill his iced tea, I'm thinking "but I don't even want to do anything! I could working on my research paper if I wanted to be busy!" Then it occurs to me to think "shoot, I'm avoiding work if anything!" And then..."oh crap."

'Cus that's when it hits me. I don't have anything but Christmas and family to worry about this week and next. But then January comes. And with January comes all of 2008. And with all of 2008 comes a marathon with an ambitious goal in 3 1/2 weeks, and a research paper I don't know how to start, and graduation, and then...oh heck...and then they're going to call me "doctor." :goodvibes: So, I'll just have to be satisfied with my younger friends' babies and someday soon, my infant patients.

As always, writing about this stuff makes me feel a million times better. It doesn't seem as bad or as silly after all to feel this way. It also doesn't feel as scary when I think about how most every momMD must feel a bit like this when facing the prospect of that dreaded intern year.

As for my marathon. Well, I'll just have to pray for good weather and give it my best shot.

Happy New Year! It is now officially, finally 2008. :laughing: I also learned to let other people bring dessert since they like to and it saves me hours in the kitchen baking. I also learned to avoid cooking as much as possible! A lot of my foods this time were things that could be assembled ahead of time, cold deli trays and the like. I think everyone had a great time, including the kids who came and played video games all night with my kids.

I want to write about my thoughts for this year and the future, but I'm not really feeling the words just yet. I think I'll write again later today when I feel more reflective. One thing that has struck me in recent days is that I am about to embark on a new part of my journey. I have spent soooo much time thinking about and dreaming about medical school and about walking across the stage to receive my MD diploma. What I haven't spent much time thinking about is what exactly happens after that! Now it is suddenly directly in front of me, mere months away...