Okay lets try this again! I tried to do this earlier last year but I felt it was too early. Now I'm in a different place in my life and I feel it will be therapeutic for me to document "the journey".

So, I'm 21 years old, married two years and 30 weeks pregnant. Like everyone else on this site my goal is to become a physician. After taking a 1 1/2 year break, I'm enrolled in school again, this time a 2 year college. When I graduated high school in '03 my plan was to become rcve my bachelors in biology, only because that was my favorite class in high school, and I said hey,I love the human body and how it works, why not try to be doctor? Unfortunately I didn't anticipate the difficulty of a college biology course and failed miserably. Failing at what I felt was I was best at caused me to make the decision to change my major. (I know, it ridiculous that's all it took to give up!) After changing 4 times and wasting a ridiculous amount of my parents money, I decided I didn't want to go to college anymore. Plenty of people are successful in life sans a four year degree. I decided I would find an entry level marketing position and work my way up the ladder. I eloped and moved to the "big city". Let's just say things didn't work out as my young naive self thought they would. (trans: I got a crash course on the real world!)

After 7 months of searching for a job I found a job as a receptionist/ admin. asst. at a small investment firm. (no skills, no experience, hey I was lucky to even have this job!) Once I got the job I was able to get my life back on track, paid off my outstanding bills, bought a car, thing sof that nature. Once I got myself together, I decided that while some people have successful careers without a college education, I can't see myself as one of them! I also got an inside look at the business world and realized I don't want to be in the rat race. I don't want my success to be measured by how much money I can make for myself or the company that I work for. I want what I do for a living be meaningful to me. So I'm back to my original goal of becoming a doc, but this time I know exactly what I want to do it, why I want to do it and how I'm going to get there.

While alot of people thought I was foolish for doing what I did, that is moving from under my parents "security blanket" so abruptly to a city where I knew no one, with a man I didn't even introduce my parents to (thats another post in itself!) I'm glad that I've had the opportunity to experience the reality of life and I feel like it's only made/making me stonger.

As I stated at the beginning of this post I'm 30 weeks pregnant, which at first I was looking at a wrench in my plan, but now i see this child as only a blessing that will only make me work harder to get to my goals, although it may take a bit longer than originally planned.

So, I've enrolled in school this semester, unfortunately taking only one class online, because it was all I could afford (no financial aid), and because I don't want to overwhelm myself with a full time job, pregnancy and school. Now that I'm midway into the semester I'm glad I made that decision because my body feels so worn out!! Also my anticipated due date is April 25 and my finals are scheduled May 4. I know thats probably cutting it too close, but I know I can do this!

Right now I'm mapping out my schedule and tuition fees for next semeter which starts May 21. While my "hopefully not too long- term goal" is to become a physician, my short term goal is to receive my ADN ASAP. I know nursing should should not be used a bridge, at least that's what I've read, but I need a trade that will give me clinical exposure and give the flexible schedule I'll need to complete my Bachelors. I love the job I have right now, there's really no flexibility in the schedule. There's no way I'll be able to complete a Bachelors in Bio with a 9-6, at least not in less than 10 years!

Well I'd better save something for another day. I have to say this really is therapeutic! It feels good to have a place to express my goals and fears without having to feel embarrassed.

Maybe it's the rain but I'm feeling down today. I figured writing in my "secret journal" will help ligft my spirits.

Yesterday my a newly licensed, fresh outta CDL school, accepeted a truck driving position that will require him to train in Memphis, TN and God knows where else, since it on the road training, for 8 weeks. While I'm happy he has a job (he's been out of work since the beginning of this month) I just feel a bit down because I know there's a huge possibility that I may have to go through the rest of my pregnancy and birth alone. I know I should buck up and be strong, and trust me I will, I'm just having a weak moment!

I think another reason I feel down is because I know the pregnancy is almost over. I just feel like I'm not ready! I'm taking 8 weeks (no pay ) from work, but after that, between the 9-6 and school, I feel like I'm never going to see my baby . My schedule is going to be so tight I don't know how I'm going to do this. What's worse is I don't have a babysitter, and it looks like I'm not going to have hubby's help. My family is 6 hours away and I don't know anyone here. Okay, let me stop boo-hooing and breath!

It may not be so bad, my mother has offered to come down and help me, but I know that I can't really count on tht. Reason one because my hubby and I live in a really small, cramped one bdrm apt. that was just perfect for the two of us but with a baby it's going to be tight. Unfortunately, we can't move into a larger apt. until June 1, thanks our complex's ridiculous early lease termination rules. Reason two, she's got an extremely time consuming business and is in the process of opening two more businesses. So basically I'm on my own.

I guess writing today is not going to make me feel any better so I'm going to stop before I cause myself to have an anxiety attack!

So hubby is gone now for his 8 week training. For whatever reason I cannot get to sleep at night. I know part of it is because I'm just a bit afraid of being in the house alone at night. (I have a "small" problem with paranoia) but I know I'll get over it, this isn't the first time hubby's been on the road, I think I'm just worried because it's never been for this long. Anyway, midterms are this Friday and I've been keeping busy studying. Although I'm only taking one class, it's a math class and I am horrible at math. It's college algebra, which by the way I've already taken along with Algebra II and Precal, but I decided to take this class again as a refresher course, but I feel like it's the first time I've ever seen this stuff! I think it's because with math I have a hard time relating it to everyday life, as I can do with Bio or A & P so it's not so easy to memorize the stuff. I just want to get used to studying and writing papers again before I get into the really difficult classes. Next semester I'm lined up to take Chemistry I with lab, Precalculus (want to improve the grade) and Pyschology. All the prereq's to enroll in the nursing program. Although it's only 3 classes I'm going to need prayer because I'll have just had the baby (school starts 5/21.) Fortunately, I'll be able to take all three classes online, but I will have to go on campus for lab 2 days out of the week from 8-10:45. Where am I going to find someone to keep my newborn that late at night?!!!

What a weekend!

First my job throws me a surprise shower and then I go to my hometown for a shower my mother planned and to top it all off, I check my midterm grade for the class I'm taking this semester and I got an A!! I cannot tell you how elated I feel!!!

I feel the Lord has truly blessed me with this pregnancy. Through all my doubts and worries, he's always provided. Take the showers for instance. I hadn't bought one thing for the baby, and right now my whole apartment is filled to the brim with things for the baby thanks to the generosity of family and friends. I don't think I have to buy or pay out of pocket for one thing for at least the first 3 months! Then to top off an already wonderful weekend, I come home to find out I aced the midterm I was so worried about that I had a headache!! God is too good!

I have been feeling down lately, but I feel so euphoric right now!

As for classes next semester, I'm still waiting on the Fin.Aid office to let me know how much money i'll be awarded/ granted this semester. I can't wait because I want to know for sure what I'm going to be doing next semester. I've decided to nix the night lab and just take the chemistry that doesn't require a lab. It's still the same class but no lab. The reason i was going to take the class with night lab becasue once I transfer to the four yr school I'm going to need chem with lab in order to get my Bio degree and go on to med school. I guess I'll just be taking that class again when the time comes. I just have to do what I have to do in order to get that ADN.

It must be the pregnancy that has my hormaones all out of whack. One day I'm happy the next day I'm down in the dumps. I feel like I need a therapist! Today I'm trying to fight off the sad feeling so I decided to write in my journal.

So yesterday I was feeling good pretty much all day when I decided to call my mother. Now I love my mother but sometimes she can say things that make me not want to talk to her for a long while. So for the past week I've been researching training programs that I can complete as an alternative to completing my ADN to become an RN. I just feel like becoming an RN would cause me to veer to far from my overall goal of completing my bachelors and going on to med school. Between all the prereq's, coursework and clinicals that I will only be able to take during the day (meaning I'll have to stop my day job and find a night/weekend job) I estimate this to add another 3-4 years to my time at this 2 year school. I was only going to become an RN so that I could finish my bachelors while working nights and weekends and still support myself and my child. When I think about it, that's to much time wasted. So I've begun resarching training programs and I found a program that I really think is a great deal. It's a 10 week, $1500 program only offered Saturday and Sundays, and once completed I'll be certified as a CNA, Phlebotomist, EKG Tech and Patient Care Technician. I think that's a pretty good deal. I figure that working any of those professions, I'll be able to make a decent living (though it won't be great, it will only be temporary), get clinical exposure and the flexible hours I'll need in order to complete my Bachelors. Best of all this is a lot smaller amount of time and money to invest in a temporary career than the RN program. My only issue with completing this program is probably due to my impatience, but the program begins March 31 and the baby is due April 25. I don't want to start the program and have to stop 4 weeks into it. If I don't wait I'll have to find someone to watch the baby on the weekends from 1-5 and she'll be so young. I decided I'll just have to wait until June when I can enroll again. Okay, so writing this has made me realize that this isn't really a dilemma, waiting two months isn't really going to hurt.

Now, back to my mother. So yesterday I made the mistake of informing my mother of the plan, Why oh why Lord did I do that! According to her I need to just make up mind about what I want to do and stick with it or I'll never get anywere. I absolutley agree. My goal is to become a doctor and I have to find the most efficient way to get there which I think that I have! Am I so wrong?

My hands are tired now so that's all I can write right now, but am I being flighty?

Today is a good day! I just got my FinAid 411 back from my school and I won't have to pay for a thing this semester, and anything I don't use I can keep. NIIICE!! So I feel like I can properly plan for next semester. As I said before instead of pursuing the ADN at the 2 year school as originally planned, I'm going to take one more semester (this summer) to bring my GPA back up and transfer to the 4 year state school in my area. I charted all the required courses for Bio/Pre-Med majors at the four year school. I checked the equivalency of those basic courses from my 2 yr school to the 4 yr school and I've picked 3 classes to take online at the two year school for summer session. These three classes (10 credits) plus the class I'm currently taking (3 credits) and the stellar grades I will be receiving will bring my GPA back up to speed so I can get into the 4 yr school. :crossfingers: . Since I'll have just had the baby in April and I'll be starting the PCT/Phlebotomy/EKG tech training in June I've decided not to do full semester courses, unfortunately I will have to do Precal the full semester but the other two classes I'm going to do are going to do are going to be the first 1/2 of the semester so that I can fully concentrate on the training course I'll be taking in the midddle of June.

So right now I'm feeling really good right now. I feel like I have a good plan and the next step is execution. Although I can't fight this feeling of fear in the back of my mind that I might be overdoing it!

I'm also happy because my hubby told me that he won't have to be gone as much as we originally thought. He's going to be coming home for a week at the end of March/beginning of April, then he'll be out again for another 30 days of training, during that time I'll have the baby, but It's going to be okay because once the 30 day training is over he'll be working regionally so he'll be home weekends and sometimes during the week. That makes me very happy. I thought I was going to practically be a single parent and I was not

Ooops, I didn't mean to press ADD REPLY! I guess that's my sign to quit "running my mouth" and get back to work! Let me just finish my sentence.

....happy about that!

OK, now I'll sht up!

My God, it's almost April! It seems like I just found out I was pregnant! Now I'm almost 36 weeks. I'm sad that this experience is almost over. People keep asking me if I'm ready to have the baby. Well other than the fact that my body is tired, and just recently I discovered none of my shirts completely cover my belly anymore so now I have to go buy more shirts that I'll will only be able to fit for the next 3 weeks, I'm not mentally ready for the huge change that having this baby will cause. Doing simple things like getting gas, going to the grocery store, doing my laundry(until we get a place with a washer and dryer), etc. aren;t going to be so simple anymore. Then I think about the finances. I remember hearing a friend of mine say a long time ago, "I don't know why people get so worried about money when they get pregnant, they have nine months to save and prepare". That friend just recently had a child of her own and I think she has a much different opinion on the subject. These nine months go by so quickly and saving money isn't so easy to do once you move out on your own and everything's on you. While I do have my husbands help, I have no idea how much of a hit our finances will take with the new baby.

Other than those fears, I am however, excited to see what the child my husband and I created will look like, if she's going to cry all the time or be a happy little bundle of joy, if shes going to be reserved like her mother or outgoing like her father.

I know one thing that I'm not going to fret about. I'm not going to worry about the baby causing me to give up on my goal of becoming a physician. It may take me a bit longer than the traditional student and it will most likely be a bit tougher, but when I come to websites such as this one and read the inspirational stories of other women who have many more things to deal with than I do, juggling several children, disbilities, single parenthood, etc. adn still accomplishing their goals I feel like I have no excuse not reason not achieve my goals.

My my my, its been so long since I wrote in my "secret journal". Well, I had ,my little angel April 16, after a week of horrible premature labour pains. I won't delve too much into that but I will say I haven't had a good nights sleep since the week before I gave birth. It's all worth it though. My only gripe about the birth was that my hubby wasn't there and it was the week before Finals. After all that hard work throughout the semester I got a C in the class (again!). I believe it was because I missed the last two quizzes, and I only got a B on the Final and I was only running a B avg. in the class up to that point. Whatever, on to the next semester! So I started Summer semester May 21 and boy oh boy I feel like I might be in over my head!! It is no joke trying to work full time, deal with a newborn and 4 classes. On top of that, all the classes that I chose involve alot of reading. I've always been horrible at reading religiously the textbook, I know I have to master it thought before I start the major science courses. I'm struggling to keep up. I'm just praying that I come out of this semester with all A's or I'm going to be p.o'd! As I'm writing I'm listening to the online lecture for my history class so I'm learning how to do this thing! (slowly but surely!) As if I don't have enough on my plate, now I feel like I need to worry about my job. I was told that I needed to try to come back as soon as possible (mind you, before my promised 8 weeks was up), even when I asked to take off 2 more weeks without pay. As soon as I get back to work, the man starts telling me about how a child is best off with its mother and if I could I need to try to take off for the next 6 months and saying the company would even pay me to do it (yea right). Unfortunately, I have slightly wedged open the door in the past so he feels like he can be in my business like he's my daddy or something but he signs my damn paychecks!! Nobody wants to hear that from their boss!! Now I feel like I'm being judged as a bad mother by choosing to work (not so much a choice really!) so I'm going to start getting my resume together just in case.