Okay. First post.
I am a second year medical student, married to a wonderful man, and proud owner of two adorable dogs. Medical school has been a breeze so far. I am terrified of third year and beyond but so far its been okay. I eventually want to go into a specialty that will allow me to work as little as possible (haha). I'm very interested in EM because I worked on an ambulance for a couple of years and a got taste for adrenalin.
I'm starting this little blog because I am officially off of birth control and am engaging in (GASP) unprotected sex! For those of you who are desperately wanting babies but driven just as hard in the med school/ med career direction, I am your poster child. I am crazy about school...AOA aspirations, research, gunner-ness. I am also totally in love with the idea of having a baby. I have wanted to get pregnant and have a baby since I was 15. Of course I restrained myself for several years and found my hubbby, haha. He feels exactly the same way. This guy talked about how he wanted to be a father on our first date! I didn't have the best father myself so I really looked for certain characteristics in my dates (gentle, not easily angered, nonviolent, nondrinker, just basically a big teady bear!) Even if I am a horrible mother and screw the kid up, he'll be okay because my husband is THAT good of a guy. Okay, enough bragging about my man, haha.
Okay...so I'm off of the bc. Its very scary. Our first time to have sex without a condom or birth control was unreal. Let me tell you, sex without all the chemicals is so much better. BC and SSRIs really cut down on your sex drive (I was on many medications and went off of them Cold turkey!)Anyway, playing russion roulette with sperm can be exciting and terrifying at the same time. I know that I want to get pregnant but then again, there is always that little voice, lurking in the back of my mind. My husband has been all giddy, kissing me all the time, and saying mushy phrases like, "I love you so much, you are my best friend." Not that he doesn't normally do that but its been increasing in frequency the past few weeks that we have been TTC. I'm just waiting for him to bust out the guitar and start singing that "having my baby" song. The man is definatly on board with this thing...more so than me actually.
Things at school have been going great. I'm kicking some second year booty. I did better than I thought I would last block and am now feeling more confident about the dreaded beast (USMLE) that awaits me in June. Let me tell you first years out there, second year is SO much better. Its actually interesting and has some relevence. THIS is why I wanted to go into medicine. Pathology is great and even pharm is not that bad.
Anyway, I figured I would catalogue what was going on with me. I have this anxiety that I will look back on these posts and say to myself, "Geeze was I stupid, or what?" They say hind-sight is 20/20.
I've got to study now. Tests are coming up soon and I have high hopes of commiting some first degree premeditated murder on pathology and pharm.
So in the meantime its study, sex, sleep, rinse, repeat. Wow. Sounds pretty good now doesn't it?

I am completely uninspired today to study. I noticed on my previous post that I was vowing holy war on pathology but I have yet to really even remotely head in that direction. Sometimes it seems useless to even try. The enemy is one with greater numbers and superior weaponry. Who am I to face such an evil? I try daily to think about my previous accomplishments, a "pep talk" so to speak. I've done it before, haven't I? I've stared into the dark, terrifying face of gross anatomy and physiology and biochem (shudder) and stood my ground. Not only did I survive but I prospered. It says somewhere in the Bible that we are "more than conquerors.” Well, I guess that doesn’t apply to medical school classes. Or maybe it does. Who knows really?
I have high hopes this block, however, my wishful thinking (and ADD) is getting me nowhere. What I really need is a good dose of pure, senseless, helpless, terror. You know the kind that wakes you up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat? It’s the kind of terror that makes your heart and mind race so fast that no amount of coaxing from a loved one can talk you down? It seems terror like this is something bad but for me it is a godsend. Without terror, I’m not sure I would have made it this far. It’s the moment in the semester that I begin to feel that nagging voice in the back of my mind whisper to me: “You’re going to fail. You’re going to fail. All that hard work, down the drain, you’re going to fail.” The voice starts out sweetly, a gentle reminder, then grows louder, irritated and angry. Two weeks before the tests, the voice is shouting furiously. My head is starting to hurt! I know then that its time. I know then that its time to get up, shut up, and study myself into a stupor. Sleep’s call falls on deaf ears, hunger ceases to annoy me, and the only thing running through my mind at any one moment: DON’T STOP DON’T STOP DON’T STOP DON’T STOP!!!!!
A couple of weeks later I find myself lying in bed with a hangover. What happened? How did I get here? The last thing I remember was weeks ago! I’m usually about 10 pounds lighter from not eating, the hair on my legs is an inch long, and my husband has forgotten my name. Ok, maybe not the last one, haha.
I exaggerate of course but it seems pretty close to the truth. Luckily this sort of thing only happens once every eight weeks or so. The other 6 weeks I am the happiest person alive. You wouldn’t even guess I had been through any trauma whatsoever. I sleep in late. I gain the 10 pounds back quickly when I eat to my hearts content. I watch countless hours of television and relish in the latest novel while sitting out on the porch in the sun. My husband and I go out to the movies on Saturday and eat ice cream in the park. We go on walks in the evening and have earth-shattering sex at night. If you asked me if I was happy I would proclaim at the top of my lungs and with the biggest smile on my face that I love my life; medical school is “a breeze.” It seems that I forgot all about the two weeks in hell. Unfortunately….the six weeks is up and I’m starting to hear the voice, ever so softly, whispering sweetly, “You’re going to fail. You’re going to fail. All that hard work, down the drain, you’re going to fail”

Oh yes...the TTC thing:

Yes, yes, voices in my head, I'm crazy, I know. But then again, who isn't?

Last night we had a lengthy discussion. I was telling my husband that after the birth of a baby a couple usually does not engage in sexual activity until several weeks (if not months) have passed. This came as a surprise to him. Being the testosterone surging male that he is he was of course disappointed by this news. I asked him if this would be too unacceptable for him to handle and perhaps we should reconsider (although it’s too late possibly!). He instantly said, “I would be more disappointed if we chose to reconsider than if we didn't have sex for a few weeks or months. It would be difficult, but it’s worth it." This coming from a man who has more than once answered "sex with you" when I've asked what is his favorite hobby/activity/what do you want to do tonight. This coming from a man that I nearly have to beat off with a stick (in a good way, of course). He truly is on board. Even after my long discussion of what a "blow out" is and why you see the mom's carrying so many extra outfits for their baby's everywhere. This conversation was followed by how much diapers costs these days not to mention how much they stink. None of this deterred him. I’ve received a “go” again and again from him. Interesting. And thus the saga continues....

I was sent a PM and here is my response so others may benefit from my crazy ramblings (haha):

It was very eerie to read your message. I asked the very same questions you have asked me and struggled with the exact same issues. Is medicine really what I want to do? It's so time consuming...will I have a life, a family? Will I even get in? And if I get in will I graduate? And if I graduate will I still be happy with my decision? Many nights I laid awake in my bed pondering over these issues.

Oh girl, Let me tell you, the questions NEVER go away. I still question my decision every day. Some days I am overcome with gratitude and awe. How did I get so lucky as to be chosen to pursue this amazing profession? The honor and responsibility of taking the care of others into my hands is beyond words. The beauty I have seen in the medical sciences themselves is enough to wake me up in the morning excited to start the day. The human heart, when you hold it in your hands during gross anatomy, will strike you with such wonder and terror at the same time. That patient in which you preformed the whole history and physical, came up with an adequate differential diagnosis, and your patient looks you square in the eyes and says, “you’re going to make a great doctor” you will feel so invigorated that you’ll find yourself skipping the whole way home. You will work with the brightest individuals in our day, you will study the most recent advances in medical science, and you will have the opportunity, time and time again, to make a real impact in the lives of others (and yourself!).Your parents and friends will not understand it. Nobody can understand the experience unless they have lived it themselves. Just like you cannot….yet.
My mother always told me that nothing that is easy can be worth very much. That “no pain, no gain” wisdom has stuck with me as I’ve pursued this great dream of mine. The price you will pay to accomplish the goal of becoming and being a great physician is astronomical. Let me tell you about the financial price, first. Not only will you find yourself in horrible debt but the pressure of that debt will make you feel nothing other than trapped. On those days that I regret coming to medical school, those days that I daydream about having a family and being the perfect all American mother, I find myself in a terrible position. If I quit, I will be working full-time for many, many years to pay back the megaloans I have accumulated to pursue my academic goals. So you see, there is no other choice for me but to continue. Each passing semester means more debt but at the same time, each passing semester is one step closer to my goal. I think debt is a nice way to guarantee to yourself you will finish. If it was easy to quit, I might have done that already. Financially speaking, if you do finish (which if you start, you most likely will), you will have no problem paying it back, especially if your husband/boyfriend is working. You also have the choice of paying it back over many years (something like thirty) and the payments are manageable with a doctor’s salary.
Here is my situation for an example: I will owe around 100,000 to wells fargo; my husband makes 50,000 a year. As a resident, I will make around 30,000 X 3 years =90,000. Theoretically it could be paid off one year out of residency if we continue to live off of my husband’s salary. Even if you have no husband to pay the bills, you can see how a 120,000 (min) salary will keep you both alive and paying off your debt. If you choose a specialty with higher pay it gets easier (EM for example pays around 150-200,000 in texas). The money keeps you from quitting; it doesn’t keep you from living well after you get done. You can manage your debt load by choosing a state school with cheaper tuition (my school costs 12,000 a year including books/fees). Private schools are no better in my opinion and those poor fools will be in debt much longer than myself.
Okay, enough about money. I would say that the worst thing about medical school for a woman is the conflicts that will inevitable arise over the issues of family. I cannot speak for the women who have done this with children. I am married but we have no children. If you have read my Blog at all you know that we are trying to conceive and I will hopefully be a mother within a year from now. I was not willing to give up my other big dream to be a mother, to have it all so to speak. There are options out there for a girl who wants to have it all. It will not be cake walk by any means but it is possible. In my case, I will take a leave of absence for one year to stay home with the baby and breastfeed. This is a priority for me and though it might be viewed as some sort of “academic suicide,” believe me it is not. Many women have done it have been fine when applying to residency. I am a very good student, actually an excellent one. I believe in working hard, my very best, at everything I do. And that includes family and career. It also helps that I am choosing a less competitive specialty than perhaps I am capable of. If this issue is what bothers you the most I would do some hard core research (Like you are doing!). There are specialties out there that allow a tremendous amount of flexibility. I can only speak for Emergency Med myself. I worked in EMS and was awestruck by the ER and and once I discovered how flexible the schedules can be I have been pursuing that direction full heartedly. In residency, they work around 18 12hrs shifts a month which comes out to about 54hours/week. Pretty good for a resident. My mentor, an EM doc, works only 12 12hr shifts a month. She is basically off every other day. Many work part time, 2-3 days week or less. The pay is nice (150-200,000) as well. The downside is that you will have to work nights, days, weekends, holidays. The ER is open 24/7 365 days a year. It can be stressful and burnout is not uncommon. But 2 days a week? Sounds good to me!!!!

I know this has been long and I apologize for my long windedness. I have been exactly where you are today and have had to answer those questions for myself. Going into medicine is a very personal decision. I cannot tell you what you should do and your parents or friends or significant other cannot make the decision for you. Luckily, at 19, you have a few years to decide. Keep up with the volunteering, shadowing, and studying hard in your pre-reqs. I do recommend getting and EMT-B over the summer. It looks great on the application and will give you clinical skills that will help you for years to come. It also can help you decide if medicine is what you really want because as an EMT you actually get to practice quite a bit of clinical medicine (full head-to-toe examinations, rapid assessments, vital signs, and best of all….experience with patients one-on-one).

Good luck. PM if you have more questions. I will post this on my blog just because its got some good info I guess.

-Happytobealive

Okay, there have been even more recent developments in the TTC game. I hate playing this awful game. Its like playing poker, you never know what the other player is thinking and we always have a “poker” face on, masking ourselves, hiding behind the hand of cards before folding in despair. Okay, okay, melodramatic.
Last night I got a positive OPK. This means that now would be good time to, you know….engage in earth-shattering you know what!! It was late, around midnight, and we just lay there, thinking, not moving. We laid there for what seemed like an hour, not speaking; not asleep but not necessarily alert either. I was waiting for him to make a move. For some reason I didn’t want to be the one that initiated it. I wanted the final decision to be in his hands. He always says that I pressure him to make all the big decisions alone and that this marriage is a “partnership, we should SHARE in the responsibility.” I believe in all that “partnership” stuff but at the same time I want my man to step up to the plate. I mean, come on, I already stopped the ocp’s, I’ve already taken the OPK, I’ve already discontinued all of my medications. Isn’t that enough of a decision on my part? Is it so hard to ask to be relieved of this one final act? On a different note, I was hoping for something passionate, something beautiful and indescribable, and something that I could look back on for years to come and remember as “the time.” The mood was all wrong, the lighting unromantic, the moment anticlimactic. I wanted him to just violently throw me on the bed and take me without any discussion, without any hesitation. Too many romance novels in my past? The night passed slowly and silently, without a hint of anything that could even remotely be called “earth-shattering.” If this is too vague let me be blunt: nothing happened! We slept there together, him snoring and me tossing and turning like a true insomniac. I woke up this morning with a negative OPK- just 24 hours left or so. Yes, it’s all fun and games a few weeks ago but as soon as the line turns dark pink we are in a proverbially desert, a sexual wasteland. I knew last night that it would be easy to seduce him. Just one touch or one word would have him going. The thing is I didn’t want to have to do that. I wanted to be the one seduced and all it would have taken was one touch, one word and I would have lost it.

I think I know why this happened. He didn’t want to force the decision on me. As the “partner” with the most to lose, the most to endure, the “partner” facing the biggest change, I suppose this profound decision must be mine.

Being in medical school royally sucks. I hate it I hate I hate I hate it I hate!!!! I know that I have said before that medical school is going great for me right now. I suppose that “in general,” if you look at the big picture, it is going marvelously well. I have honored most of my classes thus far (grrrr neuro), I have learned and become comfortable with taking a full H&P, and coming up with my own ideas/diagnosis/plan is becoming easier and easier. I have also felt a greater sense of accomplishment than any other time in my life thus far. I can honestly say that I have never been happier, more proud, and more fulfilled than ever before.
So what’s wrong? I have also never felt so weak, helpless, confused, and downtrodden than ever before either. Paradox? As the wicked witch of the west once said, “I’m melting! I’m melting! Oh, what a world, what a world!” I hear you, lady, I hear you!
I have tests in a couple of weeks. These tests are very important to me and I always end up doing well on them but somewhere along the way I begin to question my ability to conquer the next set of them. Sure, I’ve shown biochem who was boss, and yeah, I’ve exercised a demon out of Microbiology. I’ve even brought back a few classes from the depths of hell and lived to tell about it. But the question constantly running in my mind is what if this is the one? What if this is the one time that I won’t be able to do it? I know it’s silly, I know. Could I be classified as OCD? Obsessions? Check. Compulsions? Check. Realizing that these “ideas” are irrational? Check. Damn…this psychiatry course is making me worry about myself (a typical medical student reaction to almost EVERY class).
I guess it doesn’t help that I am what is known as a “slacker-wanna-be-gunner.” I want the results of working hard for something but I don’t particularly put in the effort required to do it. At least not in a timely, balanced way. For example, the past six weeks I have accomplished very little in the studying department. There are two classes that I have not even read the first lecture yet. This is my way of doing things, of course, and I know it’s a very dim-witted plan of action. I sit on my butt and do zilch for several weeks and then wake up one morning with an overwhelming sense of doom. It’s kind of like the way animals get before a big storm comes except I don’t run around and pee everywhere (at least not yet….).
I’ve got about 250 hours of studying to do in the span of two weeks. Given that there are only 168 hours in a week and I’ve got to eat, sleep, and shower sometime my situation does not look good. It also doesn’t help that my husband bought the Nintendo Wii and I am addicted to playing Zelda. Wow…it would be so nice to go play some Zelda right now. Oh well, I have a new action-adventure game to play: “Happytobealive-you’ve made your bed, now sleep in it!” Oh, let me tell you, its riveting, simply riveting.

Ok…off to my studies or as I like to call them, “cruel and unusual punishment.”

Additional info: the TTC game.

I will not be detailing the lastest events that have occured regarding this issue being that it is a private matter consisting of sensitive content. NO juicy details, sorry. Let's just say that everything is going well, back to normal, and we shall see...in two weeks or so. Everything that I wanted in the above posts for "the time" was met overwhelmingly. My closet romance novel addiction might fade after this because who needs to read about it when you're living it? Sigh.

My studying is underway. I had a sluggish start but am starting to gain momentum little my little. I have less than two weeks before my tests which will cover around 10 weeks of material. The words of a fellow medical student come to the forefront of my mind frequently throughout the day: “you’re screwed”. Kind of a harsh statement, don’t you think? I like to think of my situation as “challenging” or perhaps “a time of hardship” rather than truly, unequivocally, and irrevocably “screwed.” I try to be optimistic.
It’s really not so horrible after all. It’s not like I’m desperately trying to pass or that one wrong move will send me packing back to my horrible dead-end job. It might be a disappointment that warrants a few hours of depression and maybe a good cry but nothing horrendous by any means. No need to wallow in despair or drink my troubles away into oblivion. So why do I feel so burdened by all of this?
I have this friend that is also a student of mine (I tutor part-time). She is a first year who is actually attempting the year for a second time. Now here is a person with something to worry about. Her grades are passing but when I say passing, I use the term lightly. Perhaps the correct terminology is hanging on by a withering thread….that just so happens to be on fire. She is extremely anxious and who wouldn’t be in her situation? She studies something like 12 hours a day for weeks at a time and before every test there is the internal battle that this will be the time she will have to give up the dream. I feel the anxiety right along with her. I have to…I’m her tutor. I would be devastated if she left school or was unable to continue. I’ve put a lot of time and energy into helping her, many times sacrificing my own academic progress and personal time. The thing is, I can’t take the tests for her and there are only so many hours I can tutor (I have my own beasts to battle after all). Whenever I think of her studying quietly into the night, sacrificing sleep, denying her stomach’s pleas for food, and isolating herself from family, I feel horrible for complaining about my own plight. What a jerk I am! Oh, Boo hoo, I might not honor this class (annoying whiney voice). I should be jumping for joy and praising God for the blessings of a good short-term memory, not wallowing in self-pity and creating my own personal hell. I really need to get a better perspective on life. Is this what they meant when said Type A’s die younger and with many ulcers?
You know…the greatest victim in all of this is my hubby. How he puts up with my crap I’ll never understand but I am forever grateful for his patience!

TTC game:

Ok, so its way too early for a Positive HCG but I've already been daydreaming imaginative ways to tell my hubby and family the big news. :crossfingers:

I was kind of thinking of saying, "oh I got my period...mummble mummble" and then catching him off guard a few days later over dinner (on our anniversary...which will be on cruise ship!) :yes:

okay, girl...study!

I know my "blue" posts are usually about school and the "whites" about family but oh well....

my husband's grandma died this morning. Its not going to be an easy next few weeks with him being depressed, going to a funeral, and me studying for exams.