I have been inspired to share some of my experiences after reading some of the blogs here on MomMD. There is a lot to say, but it is late, and I want to carefully think about what I want to say.

First, I will just introduce myself and tell you a little about me. I am a nurse and have been for almost 10 years. I have wanted to be a doctor since I was a little girl. I don't have any doctors in my family and I wasn't at the doctor often nor did I have any sick family members. I think that God put that desire in my heart and for several years of my adult life I suppressed that calling.

I am a married mother of three. I have three sons: 3,5, and 8. They are my life. I married at 18, and started nursing school shortly after that. I thought that would be "good enough" for me to fulfill that desire I had. I graduated with my AD RN at 21, and had my first son later that year, and went right into prereq's for the BSN program at KUMed. I knew after the first semester of my AD program that nursing was not going to be my be-all-and-end-all. :goodvibes: As I started to manipulate the intestine, it was as if a shaft of light from Heaven shone down on me and I had the proverbial cathartic moment when I was hit with the realization that not only could I do it, I could be a doctor--I had to be a doctor. I came out of the room and immediately shared the moment with my nurse friends. That day I looked into prereq's and enrolled in classes.

Now, three years later, I am starting at KCUMB and the dream is taking a real shape. I am beside myself. I hope that I will be able to inspire, garner inspiration from others and just share life with you all.

It is an honor to be among so many fine women in medicine, or on their way to realizing their dreams.

Okay, I may seem a little overzealous, but hey, I start school in less than six weeks and I am full of nervous energy. I have so many things to do and not enough time to do them, but the funny thing is, I can't do any of them if I wanted to. I don't have my financials from the school yet, my house that we are trying to sell has been on the market for 4 months with less than 10 showings and I have to have surgery. The surgery thing really seems like the least of my worries. By the way, any hysterectomy input? I am 30, but have some issues, and have had my 3 boys, and I thought better now than in the midst of med school. My husband is in law enforcement, so I don't have any one bringing in big bucks. As a nurse, I could work part time and still make more than he does.

I am not slamming him at all, he is the hardest worker I know. Just that the financial burden is really weighing heavy on him now. He even asked me if I would consider putting school off another year. :boggled: I had to explain to him that this is a hugely competetive program, and I don't think it would be wise to just toss it off and tell them to wait until next year.

To compound this however, we have decided to move in with my in-laws....Fortunately we all get along very well. But, I can forsee issues for a house with 7 people in it. I know it is temporary. I actually find that kind of reassuring. We are just trying to get the ground rules worked out. My mil should be sainted for all of the help that she has given me during my studies, but I don't want to ever take her for granted. I just don't know about living together for very long. It could end up being all year.

The program I am entering is at KCUMB, into the College of Biosciences, where I will earn a MS in Biological Sciences with an emphasis on research. After that year, as long as I keep a 3.0 or higher, I automatically matriculate into the College of Medicine. I am not giving myself the option of not earning a 3.0. If that means for stability purposes for the family we live there until the year is out, so be it. But I also don't want to wear out my welcome. The kids seem to live there half time anyway, so it will not be a huge change for them. My husband has suggested we get a camper :ouch: While having a lovely family outing at the local ice cream shop, I reached for my 5 yo. He apparently was walking toward me as I was reaching out and I caught him in the eye. I felt awful, but felt even worse when I took him aside and saw what had happened!!!! I had cut his cornea with my finger nail. Talk about feeling lower than low. As a nurse for years, I knew that you don't mess around with eye injuries, but my husband said oh, he'll be okay. So after a deep breath, knowing it was 8pm and the walk in clinic we go to would close soon, we rushed on over. I have never seen such a deep cut in an eye. When the dr. came in she was so sweet with him, and really talked to him. He is pretty squeamish, and wasn't as impressed as all of us were at the half cm lac on his cornea. The black light and yellow eye drop just didn't do it for him. Nor did the white eye patch he had to wear. Bless his heart, when I had told him not to rub it on the way to the clinic, he listened better than 99% of adult patients I have cared for. He is so smart and sweet. When I tucked him in tonight, I asked him if he forgave me for poking him in the eye. He looked seriously into my eyes, nodded, and gave me a perfect hug. I am forgiven. Thank God for children.

I am not a terrible mom.

Well--the first semester is over, and I survived. So did my family. We were able to move out of my MIL house and we are making due with a rental house close to them, so that child care is not a worry. There are several of my classmates who are married and have kids (~25%). One guy is expecting his 8th child--and he is already an adoption attorney. WOW!

Have you ever felt like you were exactly where you are supposed to be in life? That's where I am right now. But, over the last month or so, we have been hit with all kinds of hidrances. My oldest (9) and youngest (3) ended up in the hospital with pneumonia. Great experience with my youngest who went in first, but with the older one, it was a very traumatic experience. He was stuck 7 times for an IV and then discharged less than 24 hours later. He is allergic to almost all classes of antibiotics, and my PCP wanted him inpt. but the CMH hospitalist was very unimpressed with what I thought was a big deal (severe atelectasis with a mostly whited out left lung). Anyway, he is allergic to PCNs, Sulfas, and now azithromycin, which was his saving grace over the last few years. They are reluctant to use fluoroquinalones, and I understand why. But I was not reassured when they sent him home on Clindamycin, and the next day he reacted to it.

Anyway, then I came down with it during finals week, and then, over winter break, I was trying to work full time as a nurse over break to build up a little cushion for the next semester, and somewhere in there, damaged my back just a little more. I have flat L-4 disc and mostly flat L-5. I refuse to give up. I called the secretary for the program I am in and she said my best choice would be to take a medical leave and start the next year with the next class. That is not an option for me! So I am sticking it out, even though sitting hurts more than about anything. I am not a quitter. The epidurals really have made a huge difference.

I sound like such a whiner. I am really grateful for all that I have. I am actually finding a balance between family and school right now. I know that it is going to get harder, but I can do it.

I realized that it has been awhile since my last post. I am getting ready for finals in a week. I have to finish my research thesis for the summer seminar series. And I have to plan my baby's 4th birthday party. Priorities, priorities.

Anyway, I am completely excited about finals. I am ready to graduate from this research program and start the COM. I know that for many of you, this one year program is a mystery, but for me it was a life saver. I know that becoming a doctor is my purpose in life. I have a GPA that has "life experience" written all over it. My MCAT was acceptable, but not spectacular.

I was and am able to prove myself in this master's program I am in. I think I have done the job. Now I am ready to get into the fun stuff ). But, first I have a question related to the following:

For starters, my fearless husband was using an extension ladder on a hill today. He has used it a million times, but today he just had to add that little element of fear to it. He was almost done hanging new gutters on the house we are in, when I heard a terrible crash. I came around the corner to see him laying there holding his head. He had hit it on the concrete porch. I was able to assess the part of him that I could see, and that he had not lost consciousness, his pupils were PERL, and he had no neuro deficits. But I still felt like I wanted him to be seen by a doctor. He is so stubborn and refused to go. He said that he did not have any of the worrisome feelings that you are supposed to have after head trauma. He is an EMT, so he has an idea of what to look for.

Regardless, I felt completely at a loss. I knew to put ice on it, to observe him and to check his neuro status, but what else could I do? He refused. This is a lot like what the majority of people do, and his excuse was insurance. I know many people are in the insurance boat. What do you practicing docs think about insurance issues of the day? Is there a doable public health insurance? Is there a way to turn around the money making machine of the current health insurance carriers?

Wow...pathetic really. I have a committment issue apparently. Seriously, I lost my password and then took awhile to request it during finals, and then once again, life happened.

I spent the early part of the summer finishing a research paper that was to be presented over the summer months. Then I was to finally graduate from the Master's program I was in at the end of July. Additionally, I took a part-time nurse job at the local nursing home, where I had my eyes openned about care homes. It was really sad, and completely disorganized. Anyway, the last night that I worked there was in early July, and I ended up being the only Nurse for 51 residents, all but one of my aides called in, and four of the residents were basically crashing. I was a wreck within 4 hours, because the administrators weren't even coming in to help, one of them actually laughed at me. By the time someone did show up, I had shipped out two residents, and had a family member sitting with a third. The fourth was still in limbo I guess. By the next morning when I left, my back was a mess. I had been promised that I would not have to do any heavy lifting, as I had a bulging disc in my back.

Hmmm...that week, I was caught in a pop up summer storm, that I honestly thought might produce a tornado. I tried running into our house and in so doing slipped on the wooden porch, so my already aching back went completely south. That was a Monday. I went ahead and went to school that week, but by Thursday, I was really hurting. On Friday, my back started to feel better, and I was trying to take it easy. I was reading, and laying on my stomach was the only position that felt good. After a while, I noticed that my left leg was asleep, so I got up to try to walk it off, but it wouldn't wake up. So around 8 pm, I decided that I ought to call my neurosurgeon, because my prescribed pain meds weren't really working and my leg was going numb. When I called back a second time at 10:30 pm, basically to tell him that I was now in agony, with my leg in a constant cramp, he sent me to the ER. I knew that was my destination, but I wanted to let him know.

Getting into the car was torture, as my contracted leg really didn't want to work anymore. I rode the 30 miles to the hospital with my left knee pulled to my shoulder. I couldn't walk when we got to the ER. I sat in the middle of the entry and tried not to cry. No one would listen to me that my doctor was to have called orders ahead. The triage nurse was a monster. She told me that I would have to go out to the chairs and wait until it was my turn, and when I told her I needed to lay down in order to ease my pain, she said there was nowhere for me to do that. I told her I would lay on the floor if necessary, and she looked at me like I had sprouted another head. She had me go to a four foot long couch in the spiritual care consult room. I was there for almost two hours, writhing in pain.

A brief aside, I was at the hospital I had just left after working at for over five years. It was also a hospital that had a thirty minute guarantee that a patient would see a doctor with in 30 min of arrival. That didn't happen.

Well, at quarter to one, when I was called back to the department, I couldn't let anyone touch me I hurt so bad. I did my own transferring, so that I would be the one guilty of inflicting pain. Once I was settled, another nurse came in and was getting ready to start an IV and stopped just short of sticking me. She said that she would wait because the doctor might just give me a shot and send me home. Really? I thought.

I told her to check to see if my doctor had called. I got no response. The doctor came in and gave me a perfunctory exam, and ordered some pain medicine IV...one hour later...the nurse couldn't find a vein. The hateful triage nurse came in and started one. I was given a dose of fentanyl. I have a morphine allergy. The fentanyl didn't work. By this time I was in basically a primeval state of panic from the amount of pain I was in. Thank God, my husband was with me. In all the in and out, they never gave me a call button.

When he went out to get the nurse, she came back and told my she had given me all the pain medicine I could have. I was incredulous. I know the pain protocol of that hospital from being an oncology nurse there. I asked her to please ask the doctor for valium to stop the spasms in my leg (they hadn't even lessened with the pain medicine). She came back and gave me another dose of Fentanyl!!! :no: She tried to give me the line about "I would be in control, I would get all the medicine I would need", but I reminded her that I knew the protocols, and I insisted on the change. She left and half an hour later, she came in took off my BP cuff and sent me upstairs with the tart words, "the doctor changed your PCA." All the while, in over 6 hours in the ER, I had one dose of fentanyl and one dose of Valium. I asked the doctor if my Neurosurgeon had called back yet. He said he didn't know anything about that. I told him that I had said to check for orders the first time he came in. He went out to the desk and came back with a lame excuse that the previous shift doctor had taken the orders and had taped them in the wrond place on the desk.

Anyway, I finally got pain relief when I got to the floor. I knew those nurses would take care of me. I ended up getting somethin like 9 mg of dilaudid (Look up the usual PCA dose if that doesn't shock you) before I was able to relax.

My neurosurgeon came in, didn't know how long I had been at the hospital, because no one had called him. Mind you, I had not had an MRI yet. Around one o'clock Saturday afternoon, I was transferrinf myself to the commode, when I realized I couldn't move my left leg at all. I called the nurse and she called the NS and I had an MRI by 2pm. I had a herniated L4 disc with extensive protrusion and moderate to severe cord compression.

The doctor didn't come in that day again. The next day, he came in, and since I had not been ordered NPO, he didn't do surgery that day (Sunday). I was to have surgery on Monday. I got pushed back to after 4:30 pm. I went into with the statement from my surgeon that I might not get any of my sensation or mobility back. I would not know for sure for 3-6 mo.

I still think he is the greatest neurosurgeon, but I was devastated. Why did it take so long?!? :weeping:

That is not the end of my ordeal, but I needed to break up the post...

After surgery, I was thrilled to get some motion back. It was pitifully little at first though. I went home on Thursday after surgery. I was able to walk with a walker. I was very motivated though. While I was in the hospital, my advisor from my master's program came in to visit me, and reassured me that I would graduate, and not to let that stress me out. He is the absolute coolest guy! He teaches cardiopulm. in the med school, and in the resident's clinic...at the same hospital I was in. As soon as he realized I was in the hospital, he made a point to check in with me and to see if there was anything he could do.

Like I said, I was motivated. I had home health PT and was determined to walk at graduation. My surgery happened July 14th and graduation was July 29th. I had enough time. Sure....

At commencement practice the day before graduation, my incision came open and I had a good size amount of drainage from it. I went to the neurosurgeon's office and they checked it and said it was okay. The next day, I was sore, but I was going to graduation darn it!!!! I had and ECG by a boy that I had watched grow up basically. At that point I didn't really care too much. The house supe came in and I was relieved to find it was an ICU nurse friend that new as much or more than many doctors I know, because he takes initiative to learn. My doctors weren't notified until later in the morning. My infectious disease doc came in and told me I probably had a "Red Man" reaction to Vanco, not really an allergy, but it was given too fast. HMMMM? He told me that I didn't have to take it anymore for the time being, but I was informed that I would need to have an I and D on my back. I was nearly septic at that point, and I knew that he was right.

So, that Friday night, I went back to surgery with the new surgeon, and while being prepped for it, got to listen to the OR nurses and the anesthesiologist complain about having to be late in participating in their weekend plans thanks to me and my doctor. How kind and compassionate. I asked them to be careful, because I woke up during extubation with the first surgery, and they were put out. I was put under listening to the anesthsiologist berate the nurse anesthetist and the student they had about her choice of drawer arrangement. How reassuring.

Anyway...I do not hate doctors. I am going to be one. I believe that I was allowed to have this experience in order to learn what not to do for my patients.

The second surgery went okay. I came out of surgery with a hole in my soft palate from some point of in/extubation. That was pleasant, as well as a hematoma on my uvula. How does that happen?

I am happy to reply that I was able to start med school the following Thursday, with PIC line in place. I had a S. Aureus infection, thankfully not MRSA.

White Coating was very emotional, with my favorite thesis advisor "coating" me. The administration was very accommodating and helpful. I was reinforced in my opinion of the school being the best.

I survived the Foundation of Medicine, passing rather better than I expected. I am in Musculoskeletal now, and having a blast. Two weeks ago, I had the unexpected pleasure of getting all four of my wisdom teeth out. Am I going to be dumber?? Ha Ha :rotfl: !!!

Guess what?!!? I got to go back a second time after that too! I had bone sticking out of my jaw. I don't even want to know what oral bone nippers and a rasp look like. Anyway...Can I be done for awhile????

While doing one of my salt water rinses, a classmate came into the restroom and asked what was wrong. When I told her, she said "Are you trying for the most surgeries by a first year award?" NO!!!!

My family is great. My husband truly deserves the Husband of the Millenium award. My kids are normal and healthy.

Thank God for small miracles.

Let me know if you have any words of wisdom.

R...

I just reread my last couple of posts. I would like to say that it seems I have a lot of drama in my life. I wish at times that I only had to deal with the drama of who is dating who, who got dumped at the last party, or something quote-unquote mundane. For the first two weeks after my first surgery, I cried every day. I couldn't tell some one about what happened in the ER or afterward with out sobbing. Then I called the patient rep, and got a phone call from the treating ER physician. I got to explain to him what had happened to me, and laid out for him the timeline of my care. He had no idea apparently that ordering an MRI on the weekend did not mean in the AM. Just whenever the MRI tech came in for a STAT test. Mine wasn't ordered STAT. He kind of apologized, kind of tried to pass blame on to someone who I never interacted with at all. Then I told him the things that needed to be improved on to streamline care for the next patient. It's amazing how little he knew about how things were done in the hospital he had worked at for quite awhile. Hopefully he followed through with protocol/policy changes he was going to suggest.

Despite that, on the up side, I honestly can say that I am taking the experiences of the last couple of years, and mostly, the last couple of months, to shape my future positively in some way. My back has always been a problem, but I swore I wouldn't have surgery unless it was an emergency...So I got to experience an emergency. I have been trying to lose weight for, well, forever. I am proud to say that since starting this medical school journey, I have lost 50 pounds. I have another 50 at least to go, but I have to accept the feat of 50 lb is huge. I quit really trying to lose, and it took 20 months. But, it hasn't been as hard as crash diets.

As for my recovery from my back surgery, I obviously could walk for graduation and white coating. I still have sensory impairment over my L-4 dermatome, and muscular weakness and fatigue in my thigh. My injury has really helped me in understanding motor and sensory innervation.

I had an experience today that I want to share. I am a big girl, but not lazy. I was actually at a point where exercise was looking fun again when my back injury occured. I have to take the elevator to go one floor up or down, because if I do the stairs too much or wrong, I might fall, and on the best days, my quads begin to cramp, and then my leg goes numb.

I feel embarrassed to push the elevator button, because it is only one floor, but I do it. I have actually started apologizing to my friends for not taking the stairs with them. I shouldn't feel that way.

Anyway...I got in the elevator with three other people today, and a guy in my class said, "Hey we are going two floors, but come on, just for one floor?" I got angry. I asked him if he knew what had happened to me. He said no. So I told him that part of my left leg is partially paralyzed, and that I would love to be able to take the stairs. He felt pretty bad, and apologized. At the beginning of the year a professor actually said something to me about it, but he kind of apologized after I talked to him too.

I can be judgmental, and proabably mean at times, but just remember, we can't always see the hurts or hindrances underneath. I have always chosen to smile through pain, and have always felt that there could always be something worse than what I was going through. I do not know how much sensation to expect to come back. The Neurosurgery NP said that cramping is good. It means muscles are being reinnervated. Pray for me, because I am having a ton of cramping, and with it weakness. I don't want to be the example for gait disturbances this week :p .

Love each other. Be kind to each other.

Tomorrow is the Anatomy Practical and Path Practical for Musculoskeletal. Then Friday we have our section final. I am feeling a strange sense of calm, and I hope that is because I know the info. We are taught via the Genesis curriculum, learning by body system. We get all the different disciplines about musculoskeletal disease during 6 weeks, then test over it. At the end of each year we have a cummulative final. I feel that the arthritides and autoimmune diseases have been thrown at us from so many angles, it would be my fault for not having learned them.

I am nervous at the same time. I want to do the best I can. Last year, the 2011 class pres spoke with our incoming class, and said don't expect A's but to try for them. I never thought I would be near an A student again, and was ready to settle for "around the top of the bell curve". But I am close. I feel a little vindicated, and I am not sharing my grades with anyone, but inside I am saying "I knew I was cut out for this!" There is a different set of expectations, it seems, for people who start medical school in the not quite so traditional way. Some people look down on the school's master's program, as a back door in for those who aren't good enough to get into the 'real' med school. I think it has actually provided an advantage, because we had condensed science classes and the opportunity to get to know faculty and brush up on basic science stuff that we need to know for med school.

After the rocky start to the semester, I didn't really expect to do more than pass for awhile. Anyway, hopefully I don't jinx myself, and fail the final or something. That is worth almost 60% of the grade. It could definitely do some damage to my grade! Wish me luck!

BTW...Start physical therapy next week, to try to get my cramped and stuck quads working right. Hopefully I will be able to get more ROM and be able to do more. :wave:

Musculoskeletal ended well...much better than I had hoped. Then came cardiopulmonary. One might think that since I had done critical care nursing for over 5 years. All my classmates and instructors tell me "You've got this in the bag...It won't be any problem for you." Well, if I knew everything I needed to know, I wouldn't be in Med School, right? Well, maybe with the background info under my belt, and if I went to all my classes and was able to keep up with the schedule...Yeah...Maybe I would be doing great right now.

Do you remember me saying that it seems like there is a lot of drama in my life? Well, stay tuned to the latest episodes. The weekend before our first section exam, a friend's husband died, and basically stopped all of us who knew her in our tracks. I didn't expect much out of the first test at that point. The next week I realized that I had been nauseated for a week or so. I thought that maybe it was because I was still mourning for my friend. Or maybe I was coming down with the latest virus to come through our class. No...I'm not pregnant...Can't physically become prego.

Then I started putting pieces together: Some sharp abdominal pains over the last few weeks, nausea, a recent large weight loss, and now nausea. Nah, not my gall bladder. No. But the next day, abdominal pain, nausea and pain radiating to between my shoulder blades. I guess I better go to the doctor.

Yep. Sounds like your gall bladder. The next day's sono showed stones. Of course it was the week of Thanksgiving. So of course, I needed to wait to have it taken out. Okay, so I wait. It can't be that bad. Was I wrong. Four days later I was in the ER, with low expectations for my care. The ER was actually very good. I had excellent care there. But the story changed when I hit the floor staffed by agency and part time nurses that were too busy to think about thorough care. My first nurse was very good. The next 18 hours were different though. The day after I was admitted, the surgeon came to see me at 0730, and said you are going to surgery at 0800.

So, the surgery went off beautifully. I went home that evening after I woke up and was able to eat. I had a little pain. I was to take a week off and then go back to school. But of course...I can't do anything the way it is supposed to go. I had a couple of good days, then spent POD 3 vomiting for 8 hours. The next day I had belly pain so bad I ended up in the ER, had a CT and was sent home told to take more pain pills. The next day, the pain was worse. It felt like some one was inside me kicking my liver. I actually felt my insides flinching every time I took a deep breath. As I laid low and didn't move, I got better and the following Monday at my post op visit, I felt better.

I went back to school, but before I was half way there the pain came back. I thought it would pass so I went on and tried to sit through lectures. I ended up leaving early and went to see my family doc, because I had gotten the impression that the other folks I had seen thought I was over reacting. When my doc examined me, he was alarmed and said I needed to be readmitted to the hospital because it was not normal post op pain. I went back through the ER, really dreading what was to come. 9 or IV sticks later, and a few hours into pain and readily accepting IM pain meds, I had been scared to think I might get an IJ IV or a PICC. I was really worried. The anesthesiologist stuck me a couple of times. By the time the IV went in, I was beyond relieved. Then came 4 days of tests and pain meds and nausea and dread that I would fail my Cardiopulmonay section, or at least the first half of it.

I ended the four days in the hospital with and EGD and I swear, something happened during that procedure and my pain was gone. The doctor's don't think that it could have had any effect on my pain, but it did. There was no finding that was thought to cause my pain, but I think that I had a nerve pinched or irritated by something and the EGD moved things around.

Then I was released, told that if the pain returned, go to clear liquids until it went away. Knock on wood, it hasn't come back. But I was released just in time for finals week. Fortunately, my administrators are understanding and are letting me make up the course work I have to finish over the holiday break and when we return.

I hope that the New Year will bring me good health and no more missed school, as well as the good health of my family. Wow. I would love any prayers any of you have. Merry Christmas! Happy Holidays! Happy New Year to you all!

God must really love you! I find when I suffer it is often His way of drawing me closer to Him.
On a medical note, if you haven't already, I recommend you take some hefty dosing of NAC
N Acetyl Cysteine to get the anethesia out of your brain tissues.You will find amazing mental clarity and a burst of energy when those toxins leave. With all the pain meds you have had to take it might be a could idea to detox your liver as well. As you might guess I strongly endorse the benefits of integrative medicine.
I must say you remind me of myself. Some of us have an extra dose of tenacity for life. It is a gift from God to endure the trials with joy and gratitude. Blessings to you. You are an inspiration to me. As I read your journey, I know more and more that it is a calling that I can not ignore, in spite of the obstacles that lay in front of me.

I am still convinced (and happy as a clam)that medical school is working out well. God has had a hand in everything that I have endured. I am blessed...I truly believe that all of the hardships I experienced over the last year and a half will form me in more ways than I will ever know.

I am done with Cardiopulm! :twocents:

PS~I am doing better than I ever thought I would, obstacles included. To anyone thinking about medicine, or going through it, God will help you fulfill His plans for you. Don't worry!!!!!! :goodvibes:

Wow...over a year since my last post...obviously I am not the journalling type. I would like to share some things with all of you since last posting.

First of all...I have mistakenly spent time on another "student doctor" site (please read into that) and want to say how refreshing it is to come back to this site and its positivity. I have yet to find a thread there that is not full of whiny, angry students complaining about how they have been wronged by the AMA, the AOA or some other entity. Here the support is tangible. THANK YOU!!!

Well, since last year, I have become a second year medical student and I am one section away from becoming a third year. First semester this year had me in two grueling sections of Neuro (my school teaches in a systems approach) and Skin/blood/lymph. I am finishing up endocrine, hopefully on a strong note.

I had some time in first semester where I thought I was actually going crazy...losing my mind. The difficulty of subject matter had just sky rocketed for me. I wanted to blame it on ADD, hypothyroidism, something that could be fixed. Then I realized that it was second year burn-out, just early, since I had come straight from the Masters program at the med school. I am still having a very hard time focusing and getting through studying, but I am pulling through.

This year has gone by so much faster than first year and I am so excited to start clinical rotations. I have great news that I matched to my hometown. There was a real possibility of either having to make a huge commute (weekly) or move away for a month at a time. That seemed incomprehensible to me. Thank God that I was able to stay near home. I am worried that I will get shorted on my academic instruction, though, because we are farmed out on a preceptor basis, with no real academic structure. Any suggestions?

It's nice to be back

Well, this month started off like a lamb (coated in 6 inches of snow) and went out like a lion. But the same can be said for my school. My school had an upheaval of administration at winter break, ousting our old President and seating the Chairman of the Board to the temporary position of Pres. There was a lull, then at the beginning of March, almost daily lawsuits were filed, all about money. We have all been reassured that our school is solvent and everything will be fine, but I am just on edge. There are all kinds of things going on that are making me very mistrustful. Rumor is going around that the school can only graduate 250. We started with over 270. That means that they expect that many to fail or drop out or defer. This month, I have had one friend falsely accused and coerced into settling for something that wasn't right in order to avoid an ethics violation accusation; another was kicked out with 4 weeks of class to go. I look back over the last year, and several of my friends have had serious things happen in their lives, many of which have either failed out of school or had to postpone their education. I am thankful that I have been able to overcome my obstacles so far.

I am also in a funk...I just don't feel at ease, and I think that on top of all the weird stuff going on at school, two weeks ago, a man I used to work with was murdered. It was his last night working at the convenience store, and it was robbed. He gave them everything, but they shot him anyway. It wasn't a person that I had even seen in a couple of years, but when I worked with him, I had really felt that we were friends. He was a happy, kind, respectful guy that would do anything to help. He worked as a transporter for the rad dept, but was the best at his job. He treated all of the patients with dignity and kindness. He was always ready with a big smile. He was beautiful inside and out. He loved his kids with all his heart and everything he did was for them. Like I said, I haven't seen him in a while, but I am broken hearted that this happened.

I will get through this. I don't have to like it though.