well... the verdict is in. 214. Not brilliant, but not too shabby.

Not to be weird, but my brother who died, his birthday was on 7/7. As my mother pointed out, 7 is divisible by 21 and by 14. I happened to get the locker key 7 when I took my test. Strange, but I feel like my brother is all around me. Involved in everything I do.

While I'm on a weird kick, I should mention that one of my partners had her first episode of mania on our rotation-- I think the stress sort of played a part in triggering it. Goes to show that ob/gyn is very *stressful*. It was actually terrible, and pretty much ruined the past few days of school. She's a good friend of mine, so of course I'm really concerned and hoping it won't affect her career and her life. I'm still considering it, but still trying to decipher if I can handle the stress and long hours. And also, if I actually want to. but at least now I know that that door isn't closed. My score doesn't exclude me! :rotfl: That's a good feeling...

on a sad note, THIRTEEN people out of 100 failed the Step I in my class :ouch: I pretty much think our curriculum SUCKS.

Well, all for now. I'm going to go celebrate with dinner with friends and a little drinkin! :laughing:

coffeeandtea

Well, I think I want to do obstetrics/gyn. Is that crazy? probably. My hubbie is going to be a surgeon- what am I thinking? maybe I'll change my mind...

but it is awfully tempting, when I absolutely love telling my friends about stat c-sxns and vaginal deliveries and such. I don't think I realized how much I enjoyed it until now, explaining the whole process to someone else. Or maybe I'm just romanticizing it now that I'm done. And because I rocked the test. And got amazingly positive feedback from all from all the attendings :boggled:

Well, that's all for now!

coffeeandtea

I started my pediatric rotation yesterday, and call me crazy, but so far I'm really enjoying it. I wasn't planning on it, because I've never considered myself to be "good with kids", but the atmosphere of pediatrics is just so warm and friendly. It's hard not to love it. I didn't meet one mean, or just cold-personality-type even, during my two days on wards. They're just very welcoming bunch. I guess peds has a way of drawing in those types of people. So, so far I'm having fun. I'm trying to cut back on analyzing so much and just enjoy my third year. I've been feeling a lot of pressure to make a decision RIGHT NOW! mainly because now I have my step score, and my hubbie is factoring me into his decision on where he is going to apply and all. But really and truly, I just need to let it go and take my time in making these decisions. After all, I have ALL year to figure it out.

I did mention all of this to a friend of mine who did counseling through a seminary, and his advice to me was to keep a journal and right down other contributing factors to my mood, such as how things are at home, etc. so I'm going to try to write in my journal at my bedside- What is my career and destiny stuff- just day to day stuff.

Well I need to go read for school and then I'll probably be heading to bed. I absolutely am going to start back to the gym on tomorrow. I've gained 15 pounds since my wedding. I put on about 5 pounds on honeymoon/newlyweds, 5 more when my brother died, and 5 more studying for Step I and during my ob/gyn rotation. It's scary how it just creeps up on you :wave:

quick blurb- I meant to say, journal entries NOT career and destiny stuff.

also, I got to see a good friend of mine today, and she is 17 weeks pregnant and has the cutest little baby bump. It's adorable and I'm so excited for her! She's my first close friend to have a baby :goodvibes:

Well.... posting because I don't want to let my journal go down the tube....but honestly, things have been sort of dragging lately. For me emotionally, anyway. I'm just really emotionally worn out. I'm burned out. I feel like it's almost all I can do to just go in and try to get my work done.

I think the main thing is, I felt like "the work" would somehow end after taking my Step I. When my brother died, I was so exhausted emotionally, but I came back and forced myself to finish out the semester. Then it was straight to studying for Step, which I took as late as possible, hoping it would maximize my score. Well, I only got four days between STEP and 3rd year, and I thought I'd just power through it. Because I was under the false assumption that 3rd year would be easy. And not work. And not stressful. And not tiring. I just felt like I would study as hard as I could for STEP, get back a solid score that made my studying seem worthwhile (which didn't really seem to be the case- I wish I had taken it weeks earlier!), and then zip right into third year.

and of course I planned to just love everything, and have my choice of specialties. I assumed I would have a knack for talking to patients. which it seems like I have a really hard time, get really shy, get sort of claustrophobic with so many people on the floor, etc. and then just clam up. So, not exactly what I was expecting. expectations are never good.

I expected to love pediatrics. I love hearing my mom's stories about hem-onc and her patients, and I assumed since I love talking to her about it, I'd naturally love it. Well, I just don't know. I get bored on the floor. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm just wasting space. I don't feel particularly connected to the mothers. I don't feel comfortable at all talking or examining the patients. I don't really care for the baby poop or any of the less glamorous aspects of peds.

I liked a lot of things about ob- namely, clinic was busy with procedures, I actually liked most of it, I don't necessarily care about the vaginal "gross factor" aspect most of the time... I think delivering babies is so cool. but checking all the time is a little gross. So with ob, it's back and forth. Sort of just fighting with myself over it, and what I think about it. But I do know that most of the time, I was excited to do things and take patients. I thought the people were a little less friendly than peds (sort of an understatement), the environment is just more stressful in general, and peoples' personalities, the feel of the program, etc. is a product of that. I just don't know if I fit there, or if it would be too much stress for me. If I'm not aggressive or outgoing enough for it. Those are the main things. But especially, I don't know if I can handle it. If someone handed me a scalpel, I don't know if I'd actually like it, or if I just like watching it. I don't know if I could handle delivering a dead baby- something you have to do.... we probably had two or three in two weeks on the floor.... I don't know if I would just snap after working 12 hour days for months, and staying up all night on call. I'm just not sure if I could do it and if I'd even want to.

but then I don't know what else there is...so in addition to feeling really burnt out, I think it would help if I just had some peace about it. I need to just chill out, stop with all the worrying, and just leave it be. It will work out, whether I worry about it or not. If I'm still alive and kickin, I'll eventually pick something. So why give myself wrinkles and/or gray hair mulling it over everyday?!

that's all for now. Hubbie is taking step II cs, so it's just me, the dogs, and project runway

have a good night everyone!

coffeeandtea

I think I've had an awakening. Not much time to write about it because I have to do a peds H and P (bla) but I feel like the sky has cleared and I can finally see the stars... or the point, so to speak. Like when Wall-E looks up and just happens to see a peak of starry sky through the heavily layered, polluted clouds. This is how I'm feeling recently about my life.

So here it is. It's easy to get caught up in doing the thing that is the most "fabulous" or "exciting" and to just throw quality of life out the window. Because that's what we do as doctor students- we know how to push ourselves to the limit, to work until we're completely mentally and/or physically exhausted. In order for me to even get IN to medical school, I was required to put everything else on hold. Med school has always, always come first, before I even got here. It has been my life for YEARS to be obsessed with my performance, for my entire life practically to revolve around studying and the hospital. Even when I get to go home, it's hard to clear my mind and see "everything else" that matters so much to me.

that was the thing about Sean's death- for the first time in a long time- my life was completely refocused. Involuntarily, I might add. It was like someone took my lens and just whorled it around, and all the sudden all of the same components of my life looked completely foreign. The pieces fit together differently. The focus was different. It was mourning in all of its clarity- and in a way- that's when things are as distilled as you can get them. It feels closer to wisdom than the smog of ambition and expectation you get buried in during medical school.

The distilled wisdom that is so hard to cling to is that YOUR JOB CAN NOT THE COMPLETE MEANS OF YOUR CONTENTMENT AND MEANING IN LIFE. and once I realize that, it changes everything.

I want to love people. I want to have children and watch them grow and teach them things and cherish as many of those moments as I can. I don't want to be too tired or too agitated or too stressed to appreciate them. I don't want my job to rule my life, I want it to be the other way around. I want to be able to cook, because I feel happy and womanly and creative in the kitchen. I want to be able to exercise because I feel SO much better when I take care of myself. I want to live a long and healthy life- and that includes sleeping, eating good, home-cooked food, and being healthy.
I want to spend time with my family. I want to be able to write. These things define me as a person, and if I lose them, even if I can do xyz for someone else, what have I done for myself? did I really work this hard for this long to eventually just lose myself in the myriad of work and stress of the hospital- FOREVER?

God, no.

So, that is my revelation. I am not going to do something that, as my friend Brittanie said, "works you and works you to the point that it stomps out your soul slowly, and you don't even realize it"

She's a wise friend.

I hope I can keep this feeling in my heart and keep my resolve about this. I'm really thinking anesthesiology might fit the bill. But I won't be quick to come to some final decision, because the second I make up my mind in my head, I'll panic and start back over again. Which is ugly, I tell you.

also, hubbie is starting trauma surg tomorrow, bright and early at 4 am. I can say he is a different breed than me, requiring much less sleep and being a much more intense person. He is naturally more inclined to do surgery type work, is my personal belief. I'm really trying to cheer him on.

anywho, must write this dreaded H&P. I can say this type of medicine is *not fun* for me. ah well. goodnight everyone!

coffeeandtea

Today, I'm coming around to peds. I got here in a great mood, enjoyed rounds, enjoyed seeing my patient even though she has one zillion medical issues and is never going to get better. I enjoyed rounding on patients we've seen a few days in a row.

Yesterday, I was hating pediatrics and having a "I miss the OR and Ob/Gyn" day and just thinking, how awesome would it be if I could just go catch a baby?

The day before I was having an anti-peds and/or ob/gyn day and thinking, I want to do ER or anesthesia and work part-time... and not have to follow up on all of these labs and do so many consults, paperwork, etc.

What changed? Well, this is sad... but what changed, I think, are two things.

1. we won the pediatric jeopardy, by a landslide :goodvibes: and got a bag of candy

2. I actually knew EVERYTHING about Diabetes insipidus (except how to spell it) without even reading about it... and actually presented it this morning without panicking and forgetting everything :laughing:

3. We've got really nice, down-to-Earth residents, and they're fun to hang out with and actually seem human. Like we could potentially be friends, if I wasn't a lowly M3 and all. something I never felt on ob/gyn.

So it's been a good day. I think once you get over the adrenaline rush of Ob/gyn, I'm not sure if there's that much that I really like about it. Don't get me wrong- I love the catching babies part. but the atmosphere, the overall mentality, the attitudes, and even the educational material just doesn't appeal to me.

But it appears that my ENTIRE attitude about what I want out of a career and life in general changes with the weather. I just can't believe that I'm this terrible at self-reflection. And this year is definitely the time to know thyself and the thine own self be true, and all of that good stuff. ah well.

well I need to run, too much going on and I need lunch! we're post-call but sticking around for two hours of lecture. blah. :rolleyes:

oh hubbie got his step II back and blew it out of the water My hubbie is brilliant. I hope our future kiddos get some of that from him!

well have a good day everyone!

coffeeandtea

well, I'm crazy. I'm having a ER-kick. No more plans-to-to-peds for me. I just think it is... boring. Not enough action. Not enough running around and thinking on your feet. Not enough craziness. I sort of like the crazy. I'm from a crazy family- this is how I justify it. And I like adrenaline surging through my veins in large quantities. And I like it when people are in need of immediate care. This aspect of OB appealed to me the most. I love stat c-sxns. I have a feeling though, that I am going to love STAT anything...

Not to mention that ER has the best hours imaginable. hands down, best hours out there for a job that allows some procedures and some adrenaline rushes, too. So, once again, the pendulum swings. :rotfl:

But I do like the sleep. I have established this much from my peds rotation. Sleep is a good and very necessary process for me- not to be taken for granted. Not enough sleep makes me crazy-in-a-bad-wa, more like :banghead: Sooooo, peoples.

What else? I have a H and P to write. NO FUN! Oh, and I am on the Slim Fast diet for realz. Started today, and actually forced myself to look forward to my shake-for-lunch, to the point that I was sucking it down with a straw and debating in my brain,

Pro shake C&T: "this tastes like one of those starbuck's instant fraps at the gas station"

anti shake C&T: "yeah except with metallic chalkiness added to it"

pro shake C&T: "but your butt will thank you. And so will your thighs. Plus if you don't drink the shake you will be a slim fast diet failure. repeat after me: this shake is delicious, cold and creamy deliciousness"

anti-shake C&T: "fine. it's delicious. mmmmmmmmm."

anywhooo. I'm already feeling a little slenderized. now time to end the procrastination and get to work! good night everyone!

coffeeandtea

Day #3 of my slimfast deliciousness diet, and I'm going strong. I resisted ice cream and a cinnamon roll today at lunch- I am IMPENETRABLE! If anything, it really restores my sense of self-control. I think all of my friends are surprised that I've actually made it three days. The shakes are getting better, too. I was thinking, Slim fast should do a commercial to that song, "my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard" anyway.

Today was nice, but uneventful. I really should be outside, because the weather is amazing today. But I'm waiting around, I guess, for hubbie to wake up. He is G-R-U-M-P-Y. Woah. I know he is so tired from working these terrible long hours (and there's no end in sight, because this is 4th year of med school, so it's going to get much worse in residency :rolleyes: ) But it's what he wants to do, so I have to be supportive. Just have to remind myself- he did put up with me for my six weeks of ob/gyn- and I was NOT pleasant to be around :no: But it's going to take some major adjusting to him not being around. I feel like I never see him, and he's on Q5 right now, not even Q4. But it knocks out TWO days, because he's up for 30 hours, so even when he gets home, he's just sleeping. OR irritable. I'm just a lot more codependent than I realized... he didn't call me to say goodnight, love you last night, and I took it really personally. But maybe he was just too busy.

It's just funny, bc I hear people say that doctors are more understanding as spouses. I do understand, I guess, I just don't like it. It's totally understandable that he is exhausted. I know he needs rest. I just hate that this is how it's going to be, for a really long time. And we'll be apart for most of the year next year. And maybe even longer than that, if my match doesn't work out, and I don't get matched to where he is. Wherever that may be. it's just really stressful, when I think of all of the unknowns, and this path that he, ah-hm, we has chosen.

Anyway, enough whining. I'm liking peds today. It was a pro-pediatrics day, which seem to be about 33% of the time. The other two thirds go to indifferent and anti-. Hopefully I'll just fall in love with something. But I haven't had that "ah-ha" moment yet. I did *love* the high I felt in vaginal deliveries, but it didn't carry over to gynecology. Plus I didn't enjoy reading about the material, the nuts and bolts of it. Which if you do OB/gyn, I guess you should like all of that a lot. Or else you'll never read and eventually you won't know what's going on, and then it won't be so much fun. But then I like reading about electrolyte imbalances, but what does that say? That's definitely not a high! :laughing:

well, a group of friends invited me out tonight, and I feel like I should go, but I just don't wanna. It might be bc hubbie has been gone. But mainly bc I'm just shy and have never hung out with all these people without hubbie. So I'm afraid I'm just going to be lame and stay at home, waiting for hubbie to wake up, which who knows if that is even going to happen....

anyway, I should go enjoy the breezy weather and get out of my head for a while. bye!

coffeeandtea

I forgot to mention the entire point of my post. I got my schedule for internal medicine, my next rotation. there's good and bad.

the good: I start on the wards, at university hospital, which is supposed to be better than VA but not as laid back as clinic. But I'm ending on peds clinic/nursery, so I'll be fresh from my two week break.

Then I get clinic in the middle! yay!

then neuro, then I end on VA, which is good, because I think it's the hardest.

The bad: Me and hubbie were hoping to go to a convention (which would basically be a vacation) but it's during neuro, so I don't get to go...

ah well. overall, it's good.