I actually studied today! I was so proud of myself. Sat down, and got through 200 slides of renal pathology. And was actually really interested in it. I used to think I loved all things pertaining to ob/gyn, but when it rolled around in path, I found it to be really boring. And what do I like? The kidneys! Crazy. I also really enjoyed heart path, and auto-immune diseases. And the lungs. those were probably my favorite. path is my favorite class, by far. I wish I had been less stressed out last year and actually enjoyed physiology. I think I would have liked it a lot too, if I had just relaxed and enjoyed it.

I'm thinking about going to a clinical skills workshop the weekend before my next test block. It's a terrible time, but everything is free- room, board, and the seminar- and they're teaching all sorts of cool stuff- joint injections, lumbar punctures, suturing, intubation, among other things. They said it's only available for the first fifty people and that M2's get priority, so I sent the email. Hopefully I won't be freaking out about the test block. But it's at a school that me and hubbie are considering for residency. Plus, I need to know this stuff for next year. I also think I'd really enjoy it, and it might motivate me for this last stretch of M2 year. And it's FREE! I have a major problem turning down anything free :goodvibes:

I'm feeling very happy today. A good friend of mine called me freaking out about STEP. I was so anti-freaking out. It was nice. I was just like, you know, it's not crunch time yet, you're not in STEP study mode yet, and you need to save some of this nervous energy for the last stretch, when everything really is going to be really, really NOT fun. I've taken hubbie's advice, and I'm not really studying for the thing until after Spring Break. I've just decided it's better to really learn the material we have on the upcoming test, because that's going to be on the STEP too. A lot of my classmates are just really freaking out about it already. It's 4 months away! They are going to be so burned out by the time it rolls around.

Anyway, I need to head to bed. My sleep schedule is completely out of whack. the dog is currently sitting on my shoulder trying to eat my hair. fun times. Well goodnight, sleep tight everyone!

coffeeandtea

I feel so guilty. My father in law had a heart attack on Sunday. My hubbie was there with him, doing an away rotation, and got him to the hospital really quickly. That was definitely a stroke of luck. Since then, he's been released from the hospital and is doing better. It was a close call, but I think a necessary red flag that will hopefully cause him to make some lifestyle changes. But I feel guilty because I'm not dealing very well with it. Hubbie let me go after only about five minutes because I just can't seem to see why it's such a big deal. I guess losing my brother has made me sort of calloused to things like that. He didn't die, they put a stent in, so I think of it as a miracle, almost. I can't see why hubbie is so upset- he was literally crying on the phone, and then let me go. I know I'm coming across as insensitive. It just doesn't seem to really resonate with me. He didn't die. That's good, right? So why is everyone still so terrified? I don't know. I guess I just think, death is immenent and they were lucky to not lose him. He's still here, it wasn't his time to go. So do what you have to do and trust in God. That's all we can do. Anyway, I wrote a poem that I was hoping would cheer hubbie up. It didn't work, he's not really the poetry type. But I'm going to post it, bc I'm proud of it :goodvibes: I don't write that often now that med school consumes most of my time and energy, so this is a rarity. Hope you enjoy.


650 pm, February 21, 2008

As I sit here facing the flickering candlelight
The only light around
Struck by the silence- so rare the silence
So often the sounds that fade into daily life
The varied television noises, humming of the old fridge,
air conditioner’s steady grumbling
The toilet’s song
The engines on the street
The wind disrupting wind chimes
Dogs barking
And the myriad of other sounds
That blend with the myriad of colors perpetually
Lighting up my field of vision;
The televisions abundant variety of
places and faces, my familiar house
The leafy trees, cars, streets, houses, people, animals, signs demanding appropriate behavioral responses,
All of the pigments and shapes and movements of the
Life I’ve come to know.
And now—
Nothing but RAIN loud and strong hitting the tin rain pipe
Hammering the roof
Tapping against the windows
Whizzing through the leafy trees
Weaving through its tributaries
Soaking into the dirt and pounding against my house.
The lightning has knocked out the power.
All is dark.
This song of rain has stopped everything and my mind is
Thankful,
For once, no distractions in this welcomed meditation.
The candle light flickers and the dog sleeps in my lap.
I cannot leave because the dog is frightened by the overwhelming concurrent sounds
The booming and the clapping
Demanding full attention in our
Little treehouse of a home.
At first- his little ears shot up and he hid in a tiny nook between a table and couch.
His eyes wide, WHAT is that BOOMING?
I drug him out and placed him against me-
It’s the sound of a form of power
That we are completely unable to control. Little people, in charge of our little animals,
Ears perked, everything stops,
We look at the sky,
WHAT is that BOOMING?
Are God’s angels really bowling, because it sounds like it!
In this singular moment when my mind can see
The futility of so much of life
I think of my brother.
It is a strained feeling in my chest,
One that I deafen with
making dinner, making coffee,
the internet to so pressingly look at
Facebook
Or the weather.
I can usually find something
To help me forget
That life is short
But some lives are shorter.
That time is quantitative
But has nothing to do with human experience.
That the mind can absorb millions of signals every moment- waking or sleeping-
But is most alert
In the quiet and stagnation of a thunder storm.
I pray to my Lord
My Christ
My Great Shepard
My Skilled Physician—
Let me not be afraid, let me rest in your strikes of lightning,
Let my heart collapse into the thunder of your sky,
Let me see your light in the flickering of the candles,
Let me understand this silence as the peace of your finished work.

I've got into a really bad habit since my brother died. I've been smoking. I know, I know, I'm a med student, I should know better. I DO know better. When S. died, I literally chained smoked and drank vodka and grapefruit juice all day long for about a week. It was just what I had to do to function. My family was worried that I was an alcoholic, but after that week, I quit drinking. I was just hurting so terribly I needed something to take the edge off. What I didn't stop was the smoking. It's been over two months, and I'm still finding myself lighting up at least once a day. I'm not "addicted" I don't think, I've just become dependent on it for comfort, it's become a ritual. I smoking about a pack a week or so. I don't like it, I don't like the increasing dependency I feel, or the way it makes me feel or smell. I know I'm being bad, bad, bad. Plus, I've been spinning in the morning, and I can feel it. My lungs are just not pulling their weight. I'm out of breath before my muscles hurt. It doesn't help that hubbie will smoke with me, which is really terrible, because we're BOTH medical students. It's positive reinforcement and it's NOT good.

Pharm and biochem. My least favorite. Ah, well. Time to go learn a lotta pharm. Have a good day, everyone.

Love, coffeeandtea

ps. my tummy is growling. apparently a power bar and a boiled egg is not holding me over, and it's only 9 AM.

email I sent to an ER doc who is a mother and works 10 ER shifts/month + part-time urgent care:

Hi,

I'm a second year medical student and love reading your blog. I found your last post, about what's great about being a doctor is having time
to not be a doctor, really enlightening. I'll tell you my situation.

I'm married to a third year medical student who is planning on doing surgery. He's pretty much sold. I'm more undecided, probably mainly
because I haven't been through my clinical rotations yet and don't know exactly what I like. I do know that I enjoyed pretty much everything for the six months I worked in a hospital prior to med school. I'm not a fan of surgery really, but everything else was fun. I was a phlebotomist, so was everywhere in the hospital from ER, to rehab, to med/surg drawing blood.

Well, the thing is I really, really want at least three kids, and would really love four. I want to have time to do all of those things you described. I want so badly to be a good mother and have time for interests and passions outside of medicine. I actually would love to get another degree in English, and take only like a class a semester, so take my time. I love photography and reading. I love videotaping my family, getting pictures of everyone, animals, traveling, etc.

I was telling my husband that I was really thinking about doing ER for the flexibility and the hours, because I'm really wanting to have kids
in residency, and at least in ER res it's shift work so it's more predictable, plus I'd like to stay home more when my kids are younger. well, he responded that he thinks I should do "whatever I"m passionate about, no matter what the hours look like" because "we didn't go through all of this to do something we're not passionate about". Well,I wish I could say ER is the thing I think I'd be head over heels for, but I don't think it is. I think it is really convenient and a great
path for a woman with a family. Plus, I love working nights and I love the camaderie of the ER. But, I don't like the lack of continuity with
patients. I don't like not building relationships with families. I don't like the way it is general. I've never considered myself to be
the type to gravitate toward "jack of all trades". My mom is a pediatric hem-onc nurse and I love her stories of her job and the kids
she gets so close to. She takes care of them for months-years. I'm actually kind of jealous of her job, and the fact that as a nurse she
can do shift work and have a fulfilling work environment.

anyway, I guess my question is, should I try for ER if it doesn't have everything I think I want, but it does offer me the life I want? I do
think I'd like it, I just wonder if I'd love something else more?(with aforementioned qualities?) But the thing is, my husband is going
to be a surgeon, and we want a large family, and if I could have it my way we'd live on a farm! I'd appreciate any insight, since I think you are a female mother and doctor whose hit the balance! a very tough thing to do in this field, I think.

Thanks so much!

Well after having quite a few discussions, that sort of turned into unpleasant discussion, that eventually led to unpleasant arguing, I've decided that it's for the best to table the whole baby conversation for a while. The truth is, hubbie is so stressed out, like stressed to his eyeballs, with his last rotation of his 3rd year coming up, and all of the other present life factors right now. His last rotation is surgery, which is the only rotation he's really looked forward to, and he has the right to be preoccupied with that right now. It's a pivotal time for him with career decisions, and baby talk is just not an additional stressor that (truthfully) either one of us needs to be thinking about.

I mean, why argue about a hypothetical baby that we couldn't even afford or have the time to take care of right now? and I am still really grieving the death of my brother (it hasn't even been three months) and I do feel pretty unsteady emotionally. So, I'm doing what I always do when I get overwhelmed, I stockpile some imaginary stressors on top of my very real ones. Like passing second year. Passing the STEP 1. Waking up before 10 AM and actually facing the world. You know, that stuff. I mean, right now I am not ashamed to say I'm on an antidepressant, which I think is doing some good for me at this point. If I'm not even capable of getting through my own life, what makes me think I'm ready to bring another life into the mix?

Hubbie got very frustrated with me last night, but made some valid (though a little burning) remarks, such as, we might not even be in the same place my fourth year. It will be his internship, and if he gets into a residency program somewhere else, and I have the scores to hopefully match, we'll be apart for that year. That leaves a lot up in the air for now. He's like "what, do you want your water to break and I'm not even there?!" Not to mention if that is the case, we will be paying double rent/utilities/groceries/expenses, so the financial strain is going to be a reality.

Ah well. I've decided to try really hard to get my focus back on school (where it really needs to be, even though it's the very last thing I want to think about). There's also lots of things we need to do. Be married for a few years, work on our communication, do some traveling (I've always wanted to take a Europe trip before babies), learn to cook (!), save some money, etc. So, lots to do. Plus we have two darling puppies which are a handful, and they need plenty of love and devotion and snuggling.

I tried studying today, and it was miserable. I probably got in 5 or 6 hours, not really long, but it was something. And every minute of it was not my idea of a good time- AT ALL- my curiosity, desire to do well, sheer fear in failing, etc. has really been waning. So... tomorrow is a new day. And hopefully a new more productive day. blah....

I was craving a cigarette so badly after my bad conversation with hubbie that I actually smoked a filterless one that I destroyed yesterday (in a frantic attempt to avoid smoking it). Yes, I am a little whacko. Welcome to my life. Well, I'm calling it a night with the studying, having a beer, and working on a "welcome home" poster for hubbie. He's coming home day after tomorrow and he's been gone a month on his away rotation.

Good night everyone. Thanks for reading. Sorry tonight's a downer.

Coffeeandtea

Contact
I worry about my hubbie wanting to do surgery, of all specialties, and then I read something like this, and think, phew, maybe it won't be so bad after all :goodvibes: (at home and at work)! More later, for now I've gotta get caught up in school before my spring break! I'm going to San Antonio with my Pop to visit his sister! Can't wait to eat lots of good Tex-Mex and especially home-made guacomole! Yay for vacation time! :rotfl:

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me and hubbie woke up super early for us this morning. I awoke to him basically kicking me in the side saying, Get UP! It was around five thirty. This was a couple that bonded over not getting out of bed before eleven during our courtship. Ah the joys of pre-clinical years! Well, I still technically have that choice for about three more months, but with hubbie on surgery, I might as well go to bed and wake up at 5 or so to spin! Not that I am a morning person, bc I will never be a morning person at "heart". I think there is something deranged about officially being a morning person. Not me.

Anyway, I got this grand vision of my potential future life after spin today bc I was in the class with a cute girl in great shape who is matching into anesthesia! I was thinking, wow, me and hubbie would be on similar schedules during residency (except his would be much more grueling as a surg resident), and we could do missions together!!! Like mercy ship medical missions! If you haven't heard of mercy ship, you need to check it out. They have fully stocked ORs and they go to underprivileged communities along the coast of Africa and other places, and do surgeries free of charge. So! New life plan for today! Anesthesia is a great specialty, if you like the work. I read a blog of a Dr. who is a mom and just got a job working at a major hospital, no nights, no weekends, no call. How much better does it get?! Anyway, it is motivating me to get focused on school- just the realization that I might actually want to do something more competitive, so I need to be taking this studying seriously. And the STEP studying really seriously! Anyway, gotta finish up some pharm before Bible study!

I haven't been doing well lately. I've put off studying for yet another test block. I find myself listening to chamber music (classical) in order to curb my extreme ADD tendencies. Before S. died, I could concentrate in a room for 5-7 hours without interruption and sound. For some reason, this semester I'm lucky if I can study for twenty minutes without interruptions. I finally focused enough to study one page of my 57 page study guide for pathology and the test is in two days. Then I decided to take a break to write a journal post. Soon, I'll be going to grab some dinner, so that will be another hour of not studying.

It's really disheartening. I talked to my younger sister last night and she was a mess. She's normally cool and collected, very, very rational and mature for her age. Doesn't show a whole lot of emotion or talk about her personal life. Well, last night she was just sobbing and saying that nothing seems worth it, and she hates school, work everything. I know most of it, or all of it, is due to situational depression. The fact that my brother died in the middle of her senior year is just terrible. She's 18, and there are so many decisions to make, so many transitions, ANYWAY, and it's a very emotional time, and now she's got THIS. So I just wanted to hold her and tell her that it will all be okay. Which I did say, over and over again. I was actually at a party, with the same friends and in the same house as New Year's, when I spent midnight on the screened in porch, crying on the phone with my cousin. It was the anniversary of the day of our engagement (last year), and I spent it crying and alone. Well, last night I dissociated from the party and spent probably an hour with my sister, crying and alone. I'm some kind of fun, as you can clearly tell!

So my sister is coming to stay with me for a week. It's her spring break, and there was supposed to be a trip to New York, but since mom just started back to work (she needed it- she took like two months off- but terrible timing to go back!). The biggest problem with sis coming is that I have tests all week- so it's not like I have any time! plus, I just can't have another disastrous test block. But I told her she just needs to get away from her life and have some time to think and regain her clarity. I know you can just get so bogged down in your environment until you feel like you're in an emotional fog. Med school has definitely taught me that.

I'm going to talk to her and my mom about getting some counseling for her... and maybe antidepressants. We'll see, I guess.

Well, I guess I'm going to grind through this study guide. One day at a time, one minute, one hour, one test at a time. Soon enough, I'll be done with this test block, and then with the next one, and then with the step I. And then I'll be at least listening to hearts and lungs and looking in eyes and taking histories and other much more enjoyable past-times.

One more thing. An friend of mine who is a fourth year medical student just lost her mother to colon cancer yesterday. Keep her in your prayers if you do that sort of thing. She needs all the prayer she can get for strength and comfort to get through this year :weeping:

Love
Coffeeandtea

I hate cramming.

Tests start tomorrow, and woah! I am way, way behind. I hate the panicky feeling when I start to wonder, "where is the time going?! How am I still on page 18?!"

So, yes, that is what page I'm on- 18. Still on prostate. Only hrm, infectious diseases, eye, ear, and obstetric/pediatrics to go. And the test is tomorrow- 9 AM!

To top it off, my mom and sister are coming tonight, and considering I have negative seconds to spare at this point, the thought of running home/socializing with them/making their beds/etc. should be filling me with glee and excitement but is actually just inciting PANIC. :laughing:

But really- I need to maximize my time now and go memorize everything about prostate cancer I always wanted to know.

Cheers!
coffeeandtea

Well, my mom and my sister came and I took a nice break hanging out with them last night and this morning. I only got three hours of sleep, but to my surprise, made a high B (only two points below class average!) on my path test today!!!! :goodvibes: So even with my many other activities and my last minute cramming, it all turned out A-OK. I'm very, very happy about this, because last test block was such a downer. It had just sunk in about my brother and being back at school, and I felt like every minute of studying was like fighting against quick sand. So this grade really represents a lot to me- I CAN do this! Really!

So I'm happy to have started out my test block on an high note. I have two tests tomorrow, so I'm going to start studying for those, and then tomorrow night I get to hang out with my seester! I'm so thrilled that she's here, and just having her around makes me laugh so much more. We really just get each other. She's staying all week! :cloud9: We're going to go shopping, and have dinner tomorrow night, and do all types of fun girly bonding....

Well, I need to go get my pupppy and take him outside. We're trying to potty train, and it's a lotta work!

Best Wishes,
coffeeandtea