I am so burned out. Every night of my test schedule, I get one more hour of sleep: first night 3, 4, 5, and last night 6 hours. Well, I am so groggy this morning after getting six! I think my body got a little too excited about the prospect of a full night's sleep, and threw me into a sleep momentum that sort of backfired. So now, I'm trying to cram for psychiatry, I know absolutely nothing, and I can't seem to wake up! Ugh. I'm just so tired and apathetic. My sister has been here all week, and I've been hanging out with her, which it's her senior year spring break and I very rarely get to see her. So I picked my sis over tests. I've done ok on all but one, but I still am passing and it's a tiny grade, but this one this morning is going to be UGLY. I literally just kind of forgot to worry about psychiatry. I just literally haven't looked at it. So...

I'm already fantasizing about the nap I'm going to take after the test. I've got to get a little caught up because I have pharm tomorrow, which actually is a class that I do have a healthy dose of fear. So, today is going to be productive, and I'm going to finish the test week off strong- damn it! Pharm can't conquer me! Even in my school induced delirium...

coffeeandtea (make it black)

Well, I just got back from my test, and it's a beautiful day outside, so I thought, "I'll take the dog for a jog!". the only problem with this picture is that I don't jog :rotfl: *just beautiful*

This is coming from a lady who was a competitive gymnast for years and used to be able to drop and pump out one hundred push ups. AH! Well, to top it off, after coming in the house I realize I stepped in dog crap during my very brief jog. I remember seeing something and thinking, oh that's just mud. Well it turns out it wasn't just mud. So my tennis shoe is very sad, sitting in soapy water on my porch. Anyone have any great suggestions for getting dog poop off of your shoe? Another disadvantage of lacking in the athletic dpt.

So, I researched my itching issue, and this is what I found. Not exactly good news, but motivating...

"It usually occurs during exercise performed after a long period of inactivity. There are millions of tiny capillaries and arteries inside our muscles which expand rapidly due to the demand for more blood that is brought on by exercise. When fit, these capillaries remain open allowing maximum blood passage, but when unfit and inactive they tend to collapse, allowing only minimal blood passage (which is sufficient for a sedentary person however). The rapid expansion of these vessels causes adjacent nerves to send impulses back to the brain which are interpreted as an itch. That's why after a few sessions the sensation tends to go away. Just another indication of increasing fitness levels."

So... I have sad capillaries. And I'm suppposed to be going to San Antonio for Spring Break next week, where the home-made guacamole and corn tortillas and tequila are like dietary staples. Anyway. That is a good thing- the aforementioned vacation. maybe I'll just have to run, maybe for even two or three songs

Well, one more test to go. Tomorrow is Friday, YAY! :hyper: No more torture! And only one more test block of my entire M2 year to go!!!!

C&T

This is sort of off the subject, and I've never written about it before, plus I need to be studying antibiotics (shame on me). I just want to say that my hubbie and I had a very short courtship, and getting married in med school, after my first year, and after his second, is no easy road. We got married three days after he took Step 1 (you can imagine how romantic our engagement was, with me worried about failing first year, and him worried about Step 1). We returned from the honeymoon only for him to start second year rotations the day we got home! Anyway, it was HARD. I was not expecting it to be, at all. It was quite a shock for me. Anyway, I posted some advice for a poor girl who is doubting her marriage decision, and what I have learned so far in my very humble opinion of marriage.

"When we first got married, I over-reacted much like you are, this is how the though progression went. I never noticed [insert annoying habit], maybe he's changed! maybe I didn't know him! maybe I MADE A MISTAKE?!?!

Just stop all the nit-picking/doubting and go back to thinking the way you did before getting married. I quit thinking about "as long as you both shall live" and tried to relax a little bit over the small stuff, and before long, that dialogue slowly faded out. But it takes work... the first few months of marriage I felt like I was going crazy. Good luck. Remember- no one is perfect! No one is "perfect" for each other.

When I was questioning if I had made a mistake and all that, I picked up a book by Elisabeth Elliot (missionary, Christian writer) and she told this story about speaking at a woman's conference. A mother stood up and asked her what she would do if her daughter was thinking about divorce because "her husband didn't meet all of her needs". Elisabeth Elliot laughed, and said that all of her three husbands put together wouldn't "meet all of her needs". (each time she was widowed, and remarried) I think that is so true. You have to find happiness within yourself, and quit expecting this perfect life with your perfect husband (or lack of). That's everyone, and every marriage. It's just what you do with it."

Well, time to learn more drugs. One more test, and I'm rounding the bend with one test block to go of M2 year! YIPPEEE!

coffeeandtea (slushie, mmm)

ps. hubbie ate steak for dinner, with free wine, dessert and appeteezers at a super-fancy restaurant, all for FREE, with the vascular surg people, while I slaved away for pharm. Surg is apparently making him euphoric he loves it so much- and I'm sure the free steak doesn't hurt :p

Sorry I've been MIA for so long! I just got back from my spring break, and didn't touch my computer the entire trip! It was wonderful...

Well, rundown of my one week of freedom+weekend:
I made Indian food for the very first time after finishing my test block! It was actually pretty good- I exceeded my own expectations. But the cook book seems to fall in the "white people who like Indian food" category, so none of it was the least bit spicy! I have a lot of Indian friends and eat their mom's home cooking, so I know how spicy it normally is, and that's how I like it! So I'm on a mission to find a more authentic cookbook that will actually turn the heat on! Part of it is that I was raised in a half Cajun family, so hot sauce went on everything when I was a kid. I have a friend whose full Cajun, and she puts hot sauce on everything :yes: It's like her salt. I love it. Anyway, so I made Indian food, and drank a good bit of Dead Man Rogue Ale (I heart good beer) It was a very fun night.

The next morning I woke up and we hit the road for San Antonio to visit my aunt and my cousin. My aunt has a pretty massive AAA, she's not a candidate for the stenting procedure, and she's decided against the invasive surgery. She is in her 80's, and I don't blame her for just enjoying her life instead of having to endure such a painful, lengthy recovery. But we did want to spend some quality time with her, since this is the last time in the foreseeable future that I'll just have a week to pick up and go.

Well, I definitely took advantage of my vacation time, we had a blast. I shopped a lot, we went to mexican market and I shopped some more, watched tv, drank margaritas everyday, and ate so many enchiladas I lost count! Plus, we found the best Thia food I've ever had, right down the street from my aunt's house. And everything on the menu was less than ten bucks. Spicy Mango chicken with veggies, with mango in it was YUMMY! That was only one thing I had. Another trip was red curry chicken, which was also amazing! If you're ever in San Antonio, look up Thia Topaz. I promise you will thank me

On the way home we stopped at a really good seafood restaurant, since we hadn't had any of that all week. We spent the night at my house, picked up hubbie, and headed home for Easter. Luckily DH actually got to come home with me, even with his crazy busy schedule on vascular surg. We had fun hanging out with my family and doing more... you guessed it! Eating! Steaks on the grill, portabella mushrooms (my contribution), mom's twice baked potatoes. So from the post you can probably discern that I do like food. And that I'm also on a diet starting today :rotfl:

After all of that socializing and Easter excitement, we drove home and spent a delightful and quiet evening with the dogs, on the porch, listening to records and drinking some LIGHT beer. Now it's back to business and I've got to get to work.

Talk soon!
coffeeandtea (make it stout and hold the cream)

I look at my old writing, and it's sad because I used to be really eloquent, and now it's degenerated. I feel like my brain has somehow degenerated with med school. Is that possible? More importantly, is it reversible? Or am I going to be brain-washed into thinking like a "doctor", never to regain my ability to use words poetically? I used to think that I'd be so much more intelligent once I went to med school. Now I understand why docs in training (and out in the real world) shrug their shoulders in a conversation and say "all I know about is medicine/med school". It's actually pretty sad. I don't want to be narrow in my abilities and interests. I never was before med school. But my words have grown simpler, my sentences shorter, and my thought processes are more concrete. Consequences of thinking scientifically around the clock. It makes me a little sad. Though I know it's necessary in our broken world. I was thinking, if sickness didn't happen anymore, if we had heaven on Earth, would I be at a loss? For a second, I grew sort of worried- like- I don't want people to be sick, but then again, all I study is pathophysiology of diseases and how to treat them..? Well, I decided if sickness didn't exist, I'd probably write. I'm sure some people would build buildings, some would sculpt, some would paint, some would compose music, but if no one got sick, we'd all CREATE, all the time. Which basically means I'd spend all of my time exercising the OTHER side of my brain. Nice.

Well, I'm having a vodka and grapefruit juice. I figure one drink or so a day can't hurt me. I was being a little paranoid about "medicating myself" with my brother's death and the stress of school, but I think I'm just the type to enjoy a drink. I'm not excessive. I've got a buzz off of half of one drink, so my tolerance obviously isn't high. But a panel of physicians that have all been to rehab came and spoke to us today, and the stories were just crazy. I was amazed at how open they were with their struggles, with medicine being such a egotistical profession. That's probably not pc to say, but oh well.

anyway. studied for STEP 1 a little today. Decided that I'm perfectly capable of giving it my all and passing the thing. And maybe even doing well. How great would that be?! I'm using my hubbie's First Aid, and he blew it out of the water, so it's sort of good luck for me. At least I'm hoping. Well, speaking of addiction, I have not had a cigarette today. YAY! Not that I'm actually excited. I'm actually really wanting one and searched the normal spots that I stash them, but they are all gone. no more. Which is good, because every time I smoke one, I am a hypocrite and I know it. Especially since I'm growing to be dependent on them, or even addicted. So, I'm trying. Tonight I'm not making a run to the store or anything. I'm just going to tough it out.

I know I probably sound a little atypical for a med student, but my brother's death has really impacted my behavior as far as "coping mechanisms". ah well. I don't know why I'm trying to justify my behavior to people on line who don't know me..? Well.... I guess that is all for tonight. Good night everyone and sweet dreams. I'm hoping for some at least.

coffeeandtea (actually, make it vodka)

Woah, you know when you're sitting in a public place and you see something go down? Well, that just happened to me. I've been sitting here with my ear plugs in, and I was aware of this couple to my left. Well, not exactly "couple". She was speaking really loudly, so I could hear her over my earplugs. She said she's been trying to get out of her relationship since January, but she just couldn't seem to do it. And she was asking for advice on how to get out of it. I thought she was married, and though I probably should have tuned it out, I couldn't help but listen. (which is why studying at coffee shops is so productive for me, obviously). Well, they're just being really loud and flirtatious, it was VERY obvious that she was interested in this guy. And he was tall, dressed in a suit, charming. Potentially sleezy, but charming. Anyway, turns out she's not married to this other guy, but it's clear that she's trying to get something started, and seems to be perfectly willing of striking something up despite her relationship. Well, they talk, and then they embrace tightly, and she says, "we'll have to do this again soon" or something like that.

Well, then she gets a phone call and I hear her say "thanks for giving me a heads up". A few minutes later her boyfriend comes in, also in a suit, but a lot shorter and not as attractive (honestly, but wow, that sounds bad). He is very obviously pissed off. He sits down, talks to her in that yelling whisper, storms out, comes back in, asks her some questions, like, was this the first time you've seen him?!, and then storms out again. She says to him, no, I promise, this was the first time, etc., and seems like a completely different person. She's not being the bubbly, cheery girl she was, but she's not even acting like she wants to break up with the guy or feels confident about it. But then the boyfriend says, "if you had your choice, would you rather be with him?" And she pauses and then whispers "yes." Aw, sh*t.

anyway, the sad thing is, I don't even think the other guy is really interested. He seemed like the type who just gets a kick out of girls really liking him. He was all leaned back in his seat with his suit on just basking in all of her flirtation and affection.

anyway, so I randomly analyze strangers. well, since I can't sit at home and watch soaps I guess I've just resorted to creating my own and one of my friends read that that is actually a genetic thing :no: ) anyway, I managed to fight my genetic predisposition to stay snuggled in the bed, went to spinning at 6, ran a mile, walked the dogs, ate a big breakfast, and have been "studying" ever since.

anyway, good day to everyone. Oh, not sure if this is against policy. but if anyone wants to reply to my blog on my blog I really don't mind at all.

coffeeandtea

I have hit a wall. I welcome any encouragement from anyone who found themselves tired and just out of stamina in the months leading up the the step. This is when I need to be working my arse off! And I just feel like surfing the internet for hours, doing nothing productive. Knowing I have SOOOO much to learn between now and June, and could be working every, single second of every day. In fact, I have a week of tests coming up, followed by a week of boards BEFORE the time allotted to study for step. I'm mad at my school for doing that to us. They think it'll help for step studying, but our classes are so much more detailed than step. I tried studying for the last pharm test using review books as opposed to my class powerpoints and I failed the test. UGHHH. We had our meeting on making our third year schedule and my head is just spinning with all of my questions. Do I put psychiatry first, because if I love it, I'm going to want to match elsewhere? Or do I put peds or ob/gyn first, because if I love it, I'm going to maybe want to stay here to insure a spot? I'm thinking about all of this because hubbie is a year ahead of me, so will going through the match a year before me. So I don't really get much of a choice in where I apply, except for the choice on where HE applies. Which is really complicated, because he rocked his step and has great grades. So where does that put me??? I talked to one of my faculty advisors yesterday, and she said that applying to one school is called "suiciding your match list". So basically, the only way I don't "suicide my match list is by asking hubbie to stay here." GGGRRRR. I'm just very frustrated today with the entire process. I started about starting on internal med, peds, ob/gyn, but then I'd have SURGERY over the holidays. Which might be nice but then again, my brother died in December, what if I need to be HOME during that time?! But then I think, the best thing for me to do in December is WORK A LOT, because I'm going to be really sad, and work on something I know I don't want to do, so surgery would be good around Christmas time. Anyone have any advice or words of wisdom? Hubbie is having the time of his life on surg right now, and it's not that he's being insensitive, but well, he kind of is. I just don't think he understands that all of this is such a big deal to me right now.

Plus, I'm having trouble deciding if I want to work with my friends or not. I love my friends- don't get me wrong- but I actually DO NOT like studying with them. So I don't know if third year will be different. They're actually more high strung and competitive than me, in general, and I could see how that could create friction. I would rather be "one up'd" by someone I don't really care about than a close friend. Plus, they already have this idea that I'm the "slacker" and I really don't care so much about grades or standing out on rounds, or whatever, so I don't want their opinions to somehow reflect negatively onto me. GOAH, I don't know. because I just want to do really well next year, and who knows what I'll like? I actually have NO IDEA what I'm going to like! I got this great idea about becoming an OBgyn after talking to a friend whose really passionate about it and is doing it. Well then I looked up some vaginal births on youtube, and honestly, I was just grossed out. And I don't know if I want to do surgery. AND WHY AM I EVEN THINKING ABOUT THIS WITH THE STEP COMING UP?! :banghead: Well, I guess because I'm trying to pick my schedule and it's a total pain in my arse :weeping: anyway. I'm going to get past my crazy side and go study some transfusion path. I just want to be DONE with 2nd year ALREADY! Only 2.5 weeks of class left and 2 weeks of tests....

coffeeandtea

quick journal entry.

Two friends and I met with an older female doctor whose led a bible study for M1 and 2's, and has recently become such a mentor to me. We went to her house bc we've all had MAJOR life stressors recently (2 deaths and cancer) and with the Step coming up we're finding ourselves more and more isolated and depressed/panicked/overwhelmed. Emotionally "out of whack" or however you want to say it. Anyway, it turned out to be an AMAZING afternoon.

We met at her house and true to her medical profession, she's a coffee addict! So she made us all piping hot delicious caramel coffee and then we starting talking and talking...and talking. Three hours later I was so tired from all of the tears and laughing and smiling. But it was just great. This woman has been through so much in her life, and it was so amazing to hear her story, and to have an older doctor open up to us about her life and how it has shaped her as a mother, wife, doctor, and Christian. I wanted to give her the biggest hug.

Anyway, she's trying to start up a 3rd/4th/interns and residents bible study at her house next year, and I hope, hope, hope it works out. I've found that it's so inspiring to spend time with them, praying with them, and spending time in scripture. anyway, I'm at school studying on a Saturday night- woo hooo! I have gained a second wind today, I just need to get focused. I need to lose ten pounds too- because all of that good eatin' with my sister and best friend and in texas over the past month has caught up with me! I stepped on the scale, and it was just like, OUCH. How did that happen?! So, today it was cereal, soup, salad, sandwhich, and light triscuits. hopefully I'll be able to get this off.

I'm only 25 but I've noticed my metabolism is NOT what it used to be. It is really strange how I can eat poorly for a few days, and it literally shows up. And my skin is getting dry. I'm still using stuff with salicylic acid in it, and it's gotten to the point it's just dry. which is so weird. Well, g-night everyone, hope you enjoy your weekend!

coffeeandtea (plus caramel pretty please)

I'm over the ob thing. I don't have the personality for it. I think peds is going to be for me. I really do. I'm just a naturally cheerful, laid back person, I like to laugh and have fun, and I love kids. I do think if faced with the decision to go with the mom or the baby after a delivery, I'd want to stick with the baby. And although any type of doctor is going to struggle with balancing family and work, I think peds is a very pro-family environment, and they have a better schedule (usually) then any surgical type residency.

Well, of course today when I started thinking about this, I got online and happened upon some *hilarious* skits on youtube, done by the peds residents at CHONY. You should go check them out. It will be well worth your time. Every single one I watched had me LOL. anyhoo- it was recharging, because it looks so much better than all this studying that is 1st and 2nd year. I can't wait to be a resident! Sad, because I know it's still craziness and really long hours and stress, but at least it will feel like I'm really doing stuff. And much more socializing, which I need, because 1st and 2nd year turn you into a hermet. Ha.

Well, must study First Aid. Then it's back to class work. Why couldn't they just let us out a few weeks earlier! grrr... stupid admin.

alrighty, y'all have a good Sunday,
coffeeandtea

well... my first go at practice step 1 q's, I set it on pharmacology because it is my weakest subject, and I got a 28%. Can we say, OUCH :yes:

anyway, just a short post. I'm going to finish my bloody mary and play with the dogs, and then hit the bed. Hubbie is on call today on ortho surg. I saw him around 4 pm and his eyes were bloodshot and he looked tired. I hope he's caught his second wind tonight and isn't falling asleep. Hopefully they're seeing lots of cool stuff and he's enjoying it. I've gotten to the point I am really okay with him wanting to be a surgeon, mostly because I see how happy it makes him. So I want the best for him.

Well goodnight and sweet dreams everyone!

coffeeandtea (or vodka )