I woke up with tears in my eyes this morning.

I snapped out of a dream to the sound of my husband mumbling about the puppy, which we found whining beside the bed after falling off of it. I had had a dream that my brother had come back to Earth, and we all showed him our tattoos, which we got after he died to remember him. I was so thrilled to have him back. He got in the car with me, and I was driving, but then I thought, "maybe this is just a figment of my imagination", so I told him to drive. I was afraid to let him drive though, because I thought he might just disappear and then the car would wreck. Because I wasn't sure yet if he was actually real. Well, sure enough, he got in the driver's seat and just drove us along a country road, and told me about lots of things that I can't remember now.

So I woke up this morning with my brother's face and voice and features fresh on my mind. And then realised he's still gone. Even though I had the dream that he was back, he's still gone. :crossfingers: that I'll have a productive day studying.

I've been better.

Coffeeandtea

I'm having a hard time today dealing with my brother's death. I'm studying a powerpoint on prions, and came across "mad cow disease" which made me think of him automatically. He used to always call me Mad Cow and moo at me. He loved to make fun of his big sister, especially because I took myself so seriously. He nicknamed me mad cow when I decided to become a vegetarian for six months in high school. It always stuck. Actually, one time I got so upset at him for calling me mad cow that I started crying and told him to stop calling me fat. Ironic, now I would do anything to hear him say those words.

Studying is just not working. I feel so burnt out that I could just break into tears. The Christmas break left me feeling drained, tired, and emotionally weak. My brother died Dec 2, so the entire month of Christmas was just mourning with my family, and having to deal with the holidays even with the huge, unexpected loss of my brother. I contemplated taking a LOA for the rest of this year, and starting it over, but decided against it. Mainly because I feel like as an adult (and married) my decisions don't just effect me, and I know I can pass this year, so I came back. Not that I wanted to come back. At all.

Still, even being back a full month, and making up my third test block, I still feel so fragile, and so incapable of doing this. This is the time to be building momentum, to be studying hard. The Step is in June, and everyone else is worried about it. And here I sit, in a daze thinking about my brother instead of focusing on my micro lectures. My heart is just not here right now. My heart honestly feels like it gets ripped out of me everyday, and I just keep trying.

But this upcoming test block is going to be a major blow- I'm trying to get prepared for it. I can't let it knock me down. I truly have never in my life been so unprepared. (and here I am, writing in my journal...)I haven't even glanced at pharm, which is my worst class. I have barely looked at pathology. I've studied micro some, but I haven't reviewed for the board, and I've probably done half of what I normally would have done. It just seems unfair right now, because before this happened I was doing pretty well in school. And I had to work really hard for my good grades- and now it's just cushion to keep me from failing. But I guess I should keep it in perspective, and be thankful for the cushion. Last year I didn't have that to catch my fall.

Ah well. talked to my mom tonight and I just feel so terrible for her sometimes. There's no closure on his death really, everything was inconclusive. Autopsy, tox screen. nothing. The pathologist ruled it probable sudden cardiac death. That rests with me. I think it was most likely Wolfe-Parkinson-White Syndrome. I've seen some research that says it can be completely asymptomatic and cause sudden cardiac death in young people. So... I have closure in my heart. I can't say that for my mom- she's still searching for something definitive.

Anyway, sorry for such a heavy post. Just needed to get this stuff off of my chest so I can hopefully refocus.

thanks for reading,
coffeeandtea

Tomorrow is my first test of test block 4- Virology. It's my last test in micro (except for the board), and I'm so excited! :boggled:

Well of course, since I"m in love with our schedule now, I'm dreading third year when I'll have to work all the time compared to now. But I am excited to have a change of pace, really! and it'll be crazy to actually be learning on my feet and seeing things. I'm excited to see it first hand and try to figure out what I'm going to do the rest of my life. Because I change my mind every two days. I have no clue what I'd be good at and what I'd enjoy. Today, I've been excited about the idea of neonatology, and I think I could potentially love it. I'm slightly introverted, so I'd like caring for babies, but I like being in intensive setting, and I think I'd love going to the deliveries (minus all the gross gyn and don't think I want surgery- ick). Plus you get to talk a lot to the parents and go through a seriously intense time with them. Probably a lot of bonding... :boggled:

love- coffeeandtea (with extra espresso shot in the morning)

Well, one test down! The last test in micro I'll have to take with the exception of the board. Which is good, bc I don't enjoy micro tests. I like micro- they just always find the most random things to test on! If there is some really obscure zoonotic virus that causes some random disease in Sub-Saharan African farmers, and they mention it in the margin of one slide- make sure you know it! :rolleyes:

Anywho, I'm hungry. My stomach was growling throughout the test. I know some people get embarrased with stomach growling, but I actually kinda like it. But now that I'm done, I'm wanting to treat myself to something really bad- like a big plate of enchiladas covered in cheese sauce with a mango margarita. YUM

I'm going to take a little break (sans margarita) and then get back to studying. I haven't glanced at six weeks of pharmacology- and I do have an excuse with my make up tests this semester- but still... It's a lot. I am planning on going out for a little while tonight after putting in some quality studying, hopefully :crossfingers:

Well, that's all for now. I'm getting sleepy now that I've taken the test. Before, I was wired, sweaty palms, racing heart and all- even with just four hours of sleep. It's funny- I've been taking tests post high school for almost six years now- and I STILL get bad test anxiety But somehow I made it this far, so I guess fight or flight isn't too bad!

Coffeeandtea

I'm having a hard time today. Turns out I wasn't very productive yesterday- didn't feel good and was so exhausted. I woke up this morning feeling very irritable and just couldn't put my finger on exactly what was wrong. Then hubbie said it seemed like I was directing a lot of frustrations toward him that were unfounded, and I realized he was right.

I think it's a combination of being so sad about my brother, the stress of school that just never seems to relent, and being burned out in general. DH also made the observation that I don't seem passionate about becoming a doctor right now, and he said he felt the same way when all he did was study. But it'll change next year, and that is what being a doctor is really about.

I started crying this morning about what he said about the me not wanting it thing. I've just felt so incredibly emotional. Last night, laying in bed I was relaxed for the first time in a while, and it felt so good and peaceful. Then it was like I let my emotional guard down and then WHAM! Felt like a straight kick to the stomach, and I ached all over thinking about my brother. That's the thing about being in school. You have to put it aside to get stuff done, but then when you finish your work, it's like it's built up all of that tension and force, and it just knocks me down. :ouch:

I've just got to keep on going. I'm thankful that I have a hubbie that will put up with me being so crazy. He's actually doing an away rotation and is leaving tomorrow for four weeks. yeah, I'll see him some weekends, but it's going to be the first time I've been alone- really alone- since my brother died. I'm not looking forward to it. I would just avoid the house, but I have a puppy to train and take care of. So hopefully I can have friends over and keep myself busy.

It's just strange, how fragile I feel. I just wish I felt stronger.

I posted on another forum asking a question about the nurse practioner route as opposed to MD, and a very kind attending posted this:

"I think you're asking this because you're frustrated with med school and are getting over a tremendous personal tragedy. Please give yourself time and stick with medicine at least through the 3rd year rotations and then...you're almost done and can graduate! This will give you and your family time to heal to some degree and a chance to see what medicine is like as only a 3rd year student does. There are no benefits at this point to switching out to a nursing career or giving up medical school. Please let us know via this forum or by PMing me if we can help you further."

It's funny when a person whose never met me can see something that I can't even see myself, without someone just pointing it out to me.

Sorry this post is such a downer, but it has been really therapeutic to write, so I'm thankful for this outlet. And hopefully if anyone goes through something similar, they'll know they're not alone

I'm somehow playing a trick of self deception on myself. See, I have tests all this week, but somehow I've convinced my subconscious that I don't really need to study... I can't say I've ever delayed studying to this extreme. I might have ran out of time or not gotten to all of the material, or taken some long breaks, or slept in late; but I don't think I've ever done ALL of those things! And the terrible (or wonderful) thing is I honestly can not muster up an ounze of caring...

I have a micro board tomorrow, Intro to clinical med on wed, patho on thur, and pharm on friday- I should be completely freaking out. I should be frantically memorizing study guides! I should be in a mild state of nervous panic- because there is SO MUCH MATERIAL! That is how I normally feel. Normally, I'm all antsy and frantic and suffering from insomnia, and worried about my grades

This test block, I'm just looking at it dead on and then saying, ah well. It's just one test block. I'm going to spend some time on facebook now, watch a one hour C-section on youtube (which was awesome!) and an open heart surgery. I'm going to go out to dinner, play with the dog, sleep in late... :rotfl: The thing is, I know this is going to come back and bite me on the as*. I'm just really going to have to utilize my spring break to go do something fun, so hopefully by the time I get back, I'll be ready to work. Because one test block can be a laughing matter, but the Step 1--- not so much. :no:

Part of it, I think, is that hubbie just left town. I'm just not sure what to do with myself. I don't like him gone. I can't believe this is going to go on for an entire month. It's just an adjustment, being alone all the time, when he's usually just always around. We do have a very, very small apartment :rolleyes:

well, time to do some work. really. wish me luck- I need it!

coffeeandtea

I didn't do well on my micro test. I passed, but not by much. It was the lowest grade I've made all year. I do know that it's understandable, considering the circumstances surrounding this test block, but it's still hard to see that your grade is 11 points below the class average. So, I'm disappointed. The saddest part is, I studied more for that exam than any of the others. I was banking on it being my best test, and I barely passed it. I haven't even really looked at pharm- and it's gotten to the point it seems pretty much hopeless to start now. I'm going to try to do well in path. It's my best class, I have a really good grade in there, and I'd hate to lose it. But I guess it won't be the end of the world- after all, it is just a test. I just hate that this test block seems so unfair. I've had no time to study, I've had to make up a block of tests ALREADY since coming back, and on top of that I'm just emotional... WAHHH.

well, I just want the time to pass. Just get me through this test block, and I'll start over and work extra hard for block 5. I'll actually be on equal footing with everyone else, finally. I'm trying not to feel discouraged. I just have the step coming up this spring, and I was rocking out first semester. I really don't want to lose my momentum right before Step. So after this block I've got to get back in the mindset.

Well, I'm very, very tired. Less than five hours of sleep last night- had the micro board today. Like the test, a lot of things looked unfamiliar. It didn't help that I didn't really review (at all), but hopefully with the curve I'll be fine.

It's very windy outside, the house is full of leaves from blowing in through the open patio door. The house is pretty warm, and I don't want to turn on the air. My puppy is chewing them all up so he can hear them crackle. Oh, to be a puppy :cloud9:

well, only four more days, and then I can have my normal life back. I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to give up for Lent, since tomorrow is Ash Wednesday. I never can pick something that I'm satisfied with. Okay, got it. I'm giving up... chocolate. Now, that's going to be a tough one to keep

well, good night to all. :grouphug:

coffeeandtea

I'm sleepy. What's so wrong with this picture? Well I slept 12 HOURS last night! :yikes:I am in the middle of a test week! I have no idea what happened... I went to bed at 12 thinking I'd wake up at 530 am to do spinning. I set THREE alarms. Well, this morning, I guess my sub-conscious said screw it, and turned them all off. I woke up from my very deep sleep around noon. So my grand plans of spinning and studying an entire work day before my test at 230 this afternoon were definitely derailed! And here I am, it's 722 tonight, and I'm yawning of all things. I'm on page two of my 45 page path study guide, and I already feeling sleepy. Ideally, I was supposed to read this thing twice today! Where is my motivation???

I went over to pay the rent today. My land lord lives in a really nice house that is adjacent to our little apartment. I had never been inside before, but I know that she's an artist and a very interesting woman. Our apt has curved walls and a big glass bubble window in the ceiling, and some other really interesting features that make it very unique. I've been wanting to get the tour of her house, and tonight I finally did. It is amazing! It's got all of these curved walls, beautiful old cedar wood everywhere, and old wood floors (thick boards, this amazing honey color), windows EVERYWHERE, stained glass in her doors, art all over the place... It is just a masterpiece. I was so amazed. I was thinking, I want the plans to this place, because I want to build a house like this someday. She even has these cool frosted windows in her bedroom that open up to the second floor of the cathedral open area to let all of the light in (from the windows that basically reach the 20 foot ceiling). Anyway- it was absolutely the coolest house I've ever seen. And then she asked me to stick around for a glass of wine and I couldn't because I had to study! :guilty: So sad.

I'm planning on hanging out with her once I'm done with tests though. She's a huge animal lover- she doesn't have a pet policy even though we're renting. I just really like her.

Ah well. What else? I got some really plump ripe navel oranges. I'm not hungry- but I'm really wanting to eat one. That and/or not study. I actually would like to eat an orange and watch an episode of Law and Order SVU. That would be the life. But oh well, instead I'm going to study some more neuropathology. I took an inventory quiz to see what specialty you're suited for, and my number one was neonatology. I think I'll probably end up doing a peds subspecialty. But first, I have to get through this year... :rolleyes:

Well, back to work... goodnight!

coffeeandtea (make it black)

It's been so long! So much has happened this past week!

First- my house flooded. That pretty much derailed any blogging I would have done. And of course it was during test week. we're currently renting a house that we both *love* that is actually attached to a main house that belongs to the landlord. But it works out, because they're just connected exteriorly, and our driveway faces another road. So, seemingly perfect house, in a beautiful neighborhood, we love it, etc. Well, turns out there was a small catch. It floods every two years! AH! :no: Actually turned out to be my worst this year. I actually failed some of them :ouch: But it snapped me out of my haze. I tested the system and hoped for the best, thinking maybe I could really delay my studying and still miraculously pull it off, but turns out I actually do have to work for my grades. So, I'm facing the music now. Such is life.

I did go home for an entire week after the test- another reason why I haven't updated. I just needed, needed it. I think my mom and I have some kind of ESP and I just know when I have to be there. It's been hard since my brother died and they moved into a new house, and it's been a month and still nothing was really unpacked. It's just been really hard because my brother's things are everywhere, and my mom just can't face that alone. I was very very happy to be able to be home with her to go through the stuff and get things organized and cleaned. It just had to be done. I feel that doing those things with my mom completely trumped class. It was so fulfilling to finally see three clean rooms. They just represent so much. A fresh start. The house can't be a blank slate until everything is cleared out. it's hard, but it's necessary. Mom needs to be able to paint- green needs to go in the dining room- it's my brother's color. The rooms need the personalized stamp before it can feel like home. when I walked in last week, it just felt like a big house full of boxes. Not ours, not home. So, one step in the right direction. One day at a time.

I'm back at school now, and I'm feeling recharged and ready to go. I've got to make up my week-long vacation starting tomorrow.

I have to admit I'm watching a really interesting Law and Order while typing, so if this is a little scatter brained that's why. I just love this show. I do have to get up and spin at bright-and-early 6 am (and I am NOT a morning person), and here I am watching a murder mystery at 11:15.

Have to brag on hubbie for a sec- Valentine's was so great! He made it home for the first time in two weeks, got me roses and chocolate and 2 cds I wanted!

well going to devote my attention to Law and Order now. Good night to all!

coffeeandtea

Stream of consciousness.
You feel as if you are always here yet always gone.
Age 1- Mom's distant. Something's wrong.
Age 2- I'm alone, no brother, he's dead.
Age 3- I'm scared make a pallet on mom's floor.
Age 4- I was teaching him the letters my gram had taught me.
Age 5- He points to things. What have I now to fetch?
Age 6- No one to race at finding Easter eggs.
Age 7- remember popsicles falling from the sky? Batman was your hero, you wore the cape with pride and it was your theme song.
Age 8- He was five and I knew everything but he knew his Lord's prayer just from listening.
Age 9- He wets his bed and dances dances dances. I'm alone with my head itching in the bathtub and mom with her tiny comb.
Age 10- I stare at his chemistry set. Will he be a scientist?
Age 11- The trampoline is not so fun. The ghost stories aren't as scary. The creek goes unnoticed. I never saw the ice outside.
Age 12- I glue together the broken dish from that day I lost my temper. Were you lazy, or were we just impatient?
Age 13- I'm so I was so angry and secretive. I love you.
Age 14- I didn't know how much I needed you- most of all.
Age 15- I can barely remember you with all of my problems with boys and trying to impress my friends.
Age 16- I left and you needed me more than either of us knew.
Age 17- The ball field. the basketball court. Where was your father? Mom guarded you with her entire heart.
Age 18- You grew tall. I saw you in a field of gold in heaven, with a clean shaven face.
Age 19- thanks for calling me a Mad Cow- it will always make me smile when I eat a steak.
Age 20- I knew you were a romantic.
Age 21- I knew you could haul sheet rock, I knew you could manage on three hours of sleep.
Age 22- Anyone who crossed the threshold of our house you embraced.
Age 23- I wanted so much more for you.
Age 24- You embraced my future husband, barely knowing him, and called him a brother.
My phone rang more than ever before and I tried to picture you in many professions. You became a close friend. You hugged me very tightly.
Age 25- I look at the stars, the flighty black clouds at night
picture your braces
your blood red eye that time
your voice saying I love you over the phone on afternoons
I imagine my son with your name
and giving him your baseball cards- mom would smile.
I wait to see you.