If I could use a long line of expletives and foul language I would. Just finished my exams, 6 in 5 days. Absolutely utterly horrendous. The work load undoable, the tiredness phenomenal. Even I, so dedicated, had moments where I wondered what the hell I was doing with this life. It's like running a marathon and coming into the final bend, only to be told 'no, no you're only 3/4s of the way done'. The energy, dedication and life exclusion must prevail. Friends, even family, must be turned away. You're segregated in a world of books, learning and isolation. Your friends are medics, we talk the talk, we sleep it, we breathe it, it takes over. But I MADE IT THROUGH!!!!! Can't tell you how that feels. I finished my exams to be so utterly drained I could think of nothing else but sitting down, watching TV and catching up with my LOVELY family. This I have been doing. Now on cardiovascular system, which I really enjoy. Getting there, slowly. In 4 years and one month I will graduate. But its not just about the destination its the journey. I'm trying to enjoy the ups and downs and relish that this is actually the easy bit. Being faced with life or death decisions scares me more at the moment, glad I'm not yet ready for that. Need to learn loads and loads more. We've lost a few from the course, dropped out, not for them.

That's it for now. Sleep awaits. xxxx

Hurray!! The year is now finished. I await results in the coming weeks. Passed all the medical sciences stuff, still awaiting social medicine stuff and cardiovascular. Absolutely exhausted and really enjoying not having anything to do. Well I have a long list of catch-up but that will wait.

:cloud9:

Passed all my exams!! Yes! Will now relax and watch the World Cup and enjoy summer. GO GHANA!

More than 6 months has passed since my last update. Life seems to pack in such a lot in just a short space of time. Bought a house, which is fantastic but turned out to be a long stressful process that took up many hours of time. Supposed to move in in Sept, moved in in November after decorating it ourselves. This meant that my start back to med school received little attention. I took a special study course called Doctors in the Movies and I had to make a short film. This again dominated my time. I got very behind with my studies, which was awful. But Christmas in our new house was just so wonderful, but spoiled by me having to study for two post Christmas exams, with the girls off school, friends and family visiting. But just sat them yesterday and Thursday. Respiratory and GI, plus anatomy. Made some stupid errors like writing AP instead of PA for a chest xray question etc, but fingers crossed. Also started on clinical patients which was quite daunting. But love those now. Just a few more months left then I'll be on clinical years.

Lots more to say, but don't know where to begin...

Yes, I am bad at updating my diary. Never seem to find the time.

Well, I completed the year and have now passed all my preclinical. In Sept I start clinical years. My first rotation is medicine, surgery and neurology. It was a tough year really, exam load was, as always, intense. At times, even I question what the hell I was doing this for. But I still love it and cannot think of doing any other job. I was so exhausted by end of year exams it took at least 2 weeks to recover physically. I'd been waking up at 5.30 for months. Anyhow, I won't go into it now as it is a bad memory. In three years time I will (hopefully) be a doctor. Yikes!

Still, at the back of my mind I count the years down as I still feel that I'll never actually finish it. If something happens to my family, I'd withdraw for a while, but I can't think of this. My husband is 4 years in remission and I live in optimism (tinged by fear every time a check-up occurs, which was yesterday). Stupid really to let this hang over you, but its there like a vulture way in the distance, we can see it but hope it doesn't decide to swoop down and catch its prey. Enough of that morbidity.

In general the family is fantastic, our new house has really made us feel more normal. I'm enjoying gardening. We bought the girls a trampoline and swingball - they seem to be enjoying their summer holiday. Today we're off to Legoland! That dreaded theme park day with expensive salty food, high-priced drinks and long lines!

My car has died and I am car-less. Feels awful, only happened on Tuesday. Timing belt broke on the motorway and we were towed home. We'll buy a new one, hopefully at the weekend. Another expense you can do without!

I'm nervous and excited about clinical. Our family life will undergo a huge change. I have a 1 hour drive and often start at 8am. My husband, who also works 1 hour away, will drop off when I can't. My childcare ends at 5.30pm, my day often 5 - we as you can see getting back will be a challenge. The girls school breakfast club starts at 8am. Its going to be a huge juggle around, which I am dreading. This will happen until Jan. After that I'll be on a different rotation just 10 mins walk away from the girl's school, so life will be more normal again. The several parents in my year have organized some clinical attachment consideration - as some posts are 2 hours drive away, impossible if you have to get back. What they seem to forget is that most of us have spouses to financially support us, their jobs must be top priority and we are the primary caregivers. This doesn't mean any less dedication to medicine course, just that our daily obligations are relentless and often inflexible. The poxy amount of money we are loaned doesn't even cover childcare costs. Anyway, I went on a bit of a whinge!! But in general, the situation is improving for women and parents - quite signficantly. With 70% of incoming students being female, the UKs Chief Medical Officer is demanding urgent attention to the situation of flexible training, childcare etc. As it costs 250,000 pounds to train each doctor this is considerable money wasted if the drop out rate is high. However, the whole modernising medical careers is in a bit of a state with the whole MTAS job application fiasco, which meant for some couples having to accept jobs hundreds of miles away without time to consult each other, or opt out of the system. Google it for more info.

Enough of my rant. Laters!