Here I am, in the middle of everything, feeling like everything is still so unknown. I think I will start this blog to help me organize myself and to see how it all turns out... I know no one will read it but me, but maybe it will be therapeutic?

So, I am at a strange in-between point in my life right now. I am finished with my 1st two years of medical school (really? when did that happen??) and I have transferred to DC where my husband has started his OBGYN residency with the army. I am taking this whole year off, though to be with my little man, 19 months old and to have time with new baby, due in February.

The past two years have been HARD. Understatement. They have been gut-wrenching at times. I never pictured myself missing out on things with my child. I never got used to that, was never comfortable with it. I would cut corners at school, cut corners at home, and wound up feeling way out of balance.

So, now I have the chance to spend a whole year with my baby love (soon to be babies!) Why does it still feel so hard? Well, for one, we have moved to a new place where I know NO ONE and in spite of my extraversion am having a hard time meeting people. My husband is, quite literally, never here. His program is so demanding (and malignant). He falls asleep or has to read if he is home. This means I spend all day trying to take care of all of the laundry/dishes/cleaning/dinners. With no one to talk to but a 19 month old, some days I feel like I am going crazy! If DH came home at a reasonable hour...5 or 6, it would be so different. Plus, being pregnant makes me a little unstable.

Most of all, I see his horrific lifestyle and think, am I going back to that this July?? The thought makes me go cold. However, I feel like I have something to contribute to people besides my immediate family. So much has been given to me, I feel a responsibility to use it. I used to LOVE clinic days at the hospital and getting "pimped" and using what I had learned. But, why do I have to do it for so many hours that I miss my son's life? I am so torn. My two biggest are passions medicine and motherhood; I feel like I have to choose one or the other.

Until next July, this will be a blog about my brief stint as a SAHM and the surprises I am finding. Who knew I would still feel like I have no free time?? Why are all of the moms in my neighborhood over 10 years older than me?? Why do I feel like my husband has already been deployed to Iraq? It is mostly good times, it is just that the negatives have blind-sided me. I suppose I expected a constant state of bliss!

Hi Nonny22 -

I know I've talked with you privately. I agree with you, it is very isolating staying at home. I just graduated and was busy and interacting with people 24-7. When I was finished in February, my best friend (across the continent) was a SAHM and we texted each other throughout my baby's naps daily. Now, she's working, all of my friends moved to residency and I'm alone. :-( But I love spending time with my baby and son so its a double-edged sword!

Another thing you could look into is a shared residency. I've seen them in some places where 2 residents take the work of 1 position meaning they work 1/2 the amount of time. Of course it takes them longer to finish but. . .

The other thing to consider is something like Family Medicine, which still gives you all of the pediatric exposure but way better hours. Of all of the residencies I've seen, there is the best opportunities in Family Medicine to have a life outside the hospital.

You have only one year of misery left - 3rd year - and then the next year is pretty darned easy. It sounds like motherhood is as important to you as it was to me and I too cut corners. I don't regret it. My application is a little bit barren but I was able to include the fact that I had 2 beautiful babies in medical school, something that seems to surprise and impress virtually every attending I've told. Don't feel bad about cutting corners. When you start back again, tell them you have to leave at 5 and then do it. Learn the material, answer their questions but get home in time to see your babies. Its worth it. I went to a very competitive, not family friendly school and managed to get by with great letters of recommendation and very little doubt I'll get into residency.

Something else (sorry, I'm kind of rambling, my brain still isn't super focused with my baby not sleeping through the night), your husband will be done in 4 years? And you'll graduate in 3 years? Then will he be deployed? If so, can you choose a more family-oriented location?

My thoughts, having been through the miserable trenches that face you!

AAhhhh. The end of the day, 10:40. The place is cleaned, bills paid, coffee and lunches prepped, and my 2 men are asleep. I love this time of night when it is just me and my kicking fetus.

BTW, I realized I didn't say much about myself in my first entry. I am 25, I get married and pregnant at 23. I grew up in southern california and went to a small Christian college majoring in Biology and religion. I was all set to go to USC school of med when hubby proposed, that's how I ended up out here on this adventure!

Obviously, that leaves a lot out. Throw in a severe preoccupation with perfection and achievement, rebellion from that self-imposed pressure by self-destructive partying, an eating disorder, working my A** off to overcome that disease, a very strict Christian upbringing, again rebellion, lots of travel, mountains of student loans, and that is a more realistic view of my earlier years... if you can say "earlier years" at 25

I would say, compared to that turbulent time, now is a time of balance and peace. Maybe that is why is feels so strange. I've been in a frenzy for so many years, either of my own making, or because of school. Its almost as if I am scared of what would be there if the dust were to settle.

OK, enough of that talk. I had a pretty nice weekend, DH had TWO DAYS off in a ROW!!! A first. Spending so much time apart does strain a relationship though. For some reason, at the beginning of his time off, I am super awkward with him- standoffish and argumentative. I don't know why I do it!! All I want is to finally have some good family time together and I make it start off weird. I think I get this rosy image of how the Day Off will go, and if it is anything less, I am disappointed. What a child! Perfectionism can ruin everything and rob you of enjoying what is real. I also joined MOPS this week (moms of preschoolers) About that..moms my age? Yes. Super churchy and conservative women that ring all of my childhood bells? Yes. I am going to give it a fair shot though, I need to!

HAM, thanks for that input. I can do one more hard year for sure. My husband is thinking about doing a fellowship after residency which would give him 3 more non-deployable years here. Family med is a really good thought- everyone says don't choose a field unless you are passionate about it...but I never knew a person to be more passionate about a field than DH is about obgyn, and that passion is being drained out of him! Tonight, after another 15 hour day, he stayed awake just long enough to eat the meatballs I had made, tell me he hated his job, and fall asleep. So sad! I will not do that! Our son kept looking for him today all over the house.

Gosh, this is negative so far, yuk! I need to focus more on the huge amounts of goodness in my life.

Teething toddler is letting me know that he needs motrin and milk, time to go!

Book club day at the church I have been going to! A chance to feel my brain in action again, to talk with some pretty cool people, to put on something besides go-to-the-park clothes.

However, that effing tooth is driving my sweet boy insane and I was only there for 10 minutes before the nursery came to ask me to take him home. Bummer. It was such an ordeal to get out the door too. I am prophylaxing the heck out of him next week.

Also, DH usually gets home around 8, but was told that he is required to go to a drug rep dinner about a chemo drug. What? He is an obgyn. Is it their goal to ensure that he never see his family ever?? So weird.

However, it is a beautiful day, fall is in the air, kids are at the park, and I am going to make the most of it!

thinks to look forward to:

BFF from college who just got out of the peace corps is coming to visit next week!!!! I have not seen her since my wedding, I can't wait.

I find out if it is a boy or a girl in exactly one week! Then, I can stop referring to this little person as "it" like he or she is our new pet.

I don't see how medicine could ever fit into my life again. GREAT. I am having such a sweet day with baby boy today. Throughout the day, there are so many formative moments between us. I am acutely aware that I am forming his concepts of how we treat others, how to overcome what we are scared of, faith... what a responsibility! I can't stop obsessing over the fact that when I go back to school, it will be someone else doing all these things. Yesterday, he worked up the nerve to go down the slide all by himself for the first time. He was so proud of himself and did it again and again with this huge ridiculous grin. I told DH about it and he thought it was cute... would I be ok with just hearing stories like that?? I am MUCH happier now than I was being away to study all day. I need to figure out why I am continuing.

These thoughts come at the same time as a new road block to finishing my training. DH is done with residency in 3 years, I will be done with med school in 2. After he is done, he will be sent *somewhere* in the US for 4 years to pay back his military commitment. There will also be (at least) a year of deployment at some point. This whole time, I was thinking that he was going to do a fellowship here after residency so that we would not be moved, I could do a residency, and we could all be together.

However, the other day, he said, "I don't want to be a specialist." Just like that. Like it affects no one but him. Mind you, I went to a sub-par school to marry him, transferred in the middle of it, paused my education... and he has had to make no adjustments thus far. Granted, he has never had the freedom to adjust, but this time he did. And he is acting as if his career is the only thing worth considering.

If I stayed behind to finish a residency, that would be 2 years of living apart. Fine if you are single, but we have 2 kids (3 by then?) That is NOT ok. So it is up to me to make it work? The only way it could is if I take 2 MORE years off between now and starting residency so that I could apply wherever he got sent. Or, I could do one year off and then a transitional year somewhere then apply where he is. What if I don't want to stretch 4 years into seven?? What if I do that and then he gets sent somewhere else?

The worst part is that I don't even feel convinced that I want to go back at all. Yes, I adore medicine. But it tears me up to be away from baby. I think about my debt... already 300 grand and only halfway though. I think about myself when my kids need me less, what would I be then? I think about how people would see me, just another woman who gave up her dreams. It seems sad, but the truth is I am sad when I am away.

I wish I could finish med school, get my MD and then wait 5 years to do a residency. Is that absolutely impossible?? DH would be out of military, babies would be bigger, ah.

PS, its a boy!!!

I am starting to feel more and more settled (dare I say excited?) about continuing with my education. I don't know if it is all the advice on this site or the time I spent talking, talking, and then talking some more with old friends about it all... but I can say honestly, I don't want to quit. I also don't want to do anything other than medicine. And, it seems like if I wait until things are "easier" at home, it will be immeasurably more difficult to get back into the swing of things at work. So, there it is. Now that I have made a tentative decision, I feel so good about it! I feel like I have a lot to contribute to people other than those I share a last name with.

Also, I had a little talk with DH about shutting off the idea of a fellowship. Apparently it wasn't so final as I had perceived it to be. He was just having a moment. As of now, it is still the tentative plan for him to get a uro-gyn fellowship. Then we would all be together!

On another note, I am even feeling more positive about Mother In Law living with us next year. Have I written about her? scroll, scroll... wow, how have I not? Let me just say that she was a good mother to her children when they were very little. That is *honestly* the ONLY thing I admire about her. She is a compulsive liar, steals money from her family members, cheated on her husband, and lied about who's dad is who's just to start. She is at odds with *literally* every adult in her life except my husband, her favorite child!! She is bitter that I have taken him away. She monologues when she talks and if you say anything like "yes, you just told me this story," it does not alter the course of her speech. Example, just before I walked down the aisle, she screamed in my face and made me burst into tears. (For a VERY un-scream-inducing reason) She never admits a wrong, her kids cannot remember a time when she admitted a mistake.

Everyone thinks I'm crazy for asking her to come live with us. Here is the deal. It was my idea. My husband (who despite all her efforts is NOT a momma's boy) fought it for 2 years. The thing is, she loves our son. She is SO good with babies. I really do trust her judgment in (only) that area. Taking care of her grand-babies makes her so happy. Also, I never got comfortable with anyone else watching our son. Nannies scare me because there is not one there to see what is going on. Daycare sucks because our son was sick the WHOLE time he was there, and I never felt like he was getting the interaction that he needed. Most importantly, my husband and I will be working weird, long hours. There will be times where we will take call on the same night. Do I want an employee with my babies, 4 months old and 2 at that point? NO! I would not be able to handle that. I also would not be able to afford it! Nannies are OUT of the question here in DC (sooo expensive) and daycare hours won't work. I want to wait for the au pair option until our oldest is old enough to "report" what she is doing. They are young! Plus, we can't even afford that. I really do feel like MIL is my only option.

That said, I am beginning to feel optimistic about it. I think living with her and attempting to show her grace and love (and actually mean it) might be the hardest thing I will ever do. I want to have compassion on her to see past her yucky behavior (and to remember that I am no better than her, just different). The truth is, she loves my son and that makes me love her. That can be a starting point. Plus, my husband and I can spent more time together. I can picture once the kids are in bed, we can go for a walk, out to coffee, whatever! I need to remain positive.

I think that I am exceptionally hormonal this pregnancy.

Last night DH and I got into a fight. He only gets one week of vacation this year and it turns out that he could have taken it this month before I was too pregnant to travel. Now its too late. I was disappointed and didn't hide it even though my mom was right next to us. He got WAY defensive and quiet. Anyway, we went downstairs to talk it out and I realized that I had embarrassed him in front of my parents. I felt so bad about it that I started crying. Hard. I always do that. But, his reaction makes it SO much worse. He responds by detaching. He doesn't go to me at all. This surprises me every time and makes me feel utterly alone. I wouldn't allow my worst enemy to cry by herself. He thinks it would seem "fake" to give me a hug when he is upset with me. He is annoyed that he can't ever get upset with my without me falling to the ground in tears. I can't help it! I didn't grow up in a family where people get mad at each other (openly).

Why do men deal with negative emotions/conflict by shutting the other person out? That is the worst possible response!!!! He says that he shuts down for a while, but then is always ready to talk later. That is true, but it is in that moment that I need him to work through our issue and reach out to me.

Well, somehow, I decided that because of that, he doesn't love me and never has. I actually told him that I think he has never loved me. That is not true! I have no doubts that he does- but that was how I felt last night... Now today, I have grainy eyes and a lot of regret. It will be awkward when he gets home. I am such a child sometimes.

Plus, I am getting REALLY fat. By now, I should have gained 11 pounds and I have gained 14. I am getting cellulite. I can't work out because when would I? Am I going to hire a sitter to watch my baby? Should I leave during the half and hour of free time my husband has with me? Bla. I feel yuk.

I think his residency is poisoning what used to be a beautiful and carefree marriage. How will we possibly survive two residencies???? When you spend no time together, everything becomes so dramatic.

I just signed up to work in the ER downtown on friday night! Me and my big ole belly. I am excited but I don't AT ALL remember how to do an H and P! Time to go review during this naptime. I want to make an impression because if I like ER (and I really hope I do, the lifestyle is fantastic!) this is the program I want. It has an average of 50 hours a week for interns!! Seriously! That, and it is one the best programs in the country. It is 4 years instead of 3, but fewer hours are worth that to me...I think. Here goes!

I am full of unrest about next year again. Will peace never come to me? Is there no right decision? this is going to be long, I think... you may want to abort reading!

I need to get back to my "first love." What was it about medicine that drew me? BE HONEST at the gut level!

1. I think it might have been a reaction against feeling objectified at 19 years old. For some reason, it has always been DEEPLY important to me that I be taken seriously and respected. I needed people to think I was smart. No matter how well I performed, however, I felt acutely that as a woman I would always be judged by my appearance in the end. I felt pressure to perform in that way too. I always had to have a man at my side and spiraled into constant dieting and exercise obsession. I think I saw medicine as a place where I could be free from the pressures I felt about my body. It wasn't about that... unlike going into business or being a wife/ mom. The women docs I met had authority and respect. However, those issues have died down. Or, more like I have died to them and have become free to live. I don't feel that pressure anymore, I am much more forgiving of myself, especially since the babies! I don't "need" medicine to feel smart and validated.

Reality: being a doctor does not make you feel respected/ important!! I have seen how residents are treated! It makes you feel inadequate, at least for a very very long time.

2. If you are given much, isn't much expected of you? I have been given a loving childhood, financial help from the government, and the ability to do well in school and relate well to others. Don't I have an obligation to use those gifts to benefit more that my immediate family?? I liked that about medicine, it is a rare field in which you are tangibly helping people in a time of need. Shouldn't that make doctors have a good quality of life? It doesn't seem to! I still believe that when you touch someone at their lowest, neediest point, you are touching God. I have always dreamed of volunteering internationally where medicine is truly needed. Those were some of the most fulfilling times in my life!

Take away- I need to do something that lifts the burden of my fellow man! Sounds cheesy, but this motivates me. It is hard because you can't really do that until you are done training, by then do you still want to?

3. I like the process of hearing a story and piecing together a diagnosis/ plan. There is nothing else like it!

I haven't had enough experience to know how much of a motivating factor this could be for me. Will it get boring once I have seen a million ear infections? Probably!

4. I like knowing how things in my body work! I like being able to answer questions that people ask me.

5. I feel a duty to the women who have come before me to use my life in a way other than being my husband/children's caretaker.


What did I enjoy about my first two years?

Um....er....

1. New friends? That is not insignificant. Working with fun, smart people is important to me.

2. Achievement. At my wise age of 25, I have leaned that this is nothing but a puff of smoke that lasts a moment!

3. Clinic days when I would talk with patients. This I loved.
Would I still love it after it stopped being fresh and new??

4. The muscloloskeletal unit. I know, I'm weird, but I loved leaning about autoimmune diseases... they are so bizarre.

To be honest, 99.99999% of those two years were horrible, torturing, and very dysphoric!

What makes me want to stay home? Why?

1. GUILT!!! Years and years of imbibing the message that good moms want nothing more than to care for their home life! Thank you american church, thank you Mother, thank you private university, thank you people on this forum that constantly write about quitting!!!

How do I differentiate others telling me I should want to stay home from actually wanting to?? I am acutely sensitive to others' expectations of me (at least I realize that now). Potentially, this realization could make me keep going in medicine when what I truly want to do is quit. I have learned that doing ANYTHING out of "should" leads to inner rebellion! I only want to work out of LOVE and JOY.

2. I am really, really blissful being at home (sometimes). I am having the sweetest moments with my son. Today, we put on a cd and had a silly dance party... I feel like these common, every day moments are full of meaning and life. I am building new friendships and getting involved in a new church. I had to ignore my social and spiritual needs for so long that now I feel like I can't get enough. I am napping when tired, cooking healthy meals, and living at a low level of stress. It is great to not feel like wild horses are pulling me in a thousand directions! For the most part, my relationship with DH is better now- although we now have different issues (like me learning to show him grace when it never, ever crosses his mind to put his own socks in the hamper)

3. I don't feel that anyone could love my son like I do. Is that crazy? I want to be the one that makes the decisions about napping and feeding and TV time. Will anyone else really know what its best for him?

4. It makes me feel good about myself to have a semi-clean house, homecooked meals, and be raising our little guy. Judge away, but for whatever reason, it makes me feel validated. I was surprised too.
It makes my husband feel good to be the provider. Good vibes all around.

5. I can have as many babies as I want! I love them! I want 6!!

6. Military life. DH will be deployed, God knows where can a family sustain that AND an "absent" mom??? Could our marriage sustain it?

7. Doctors seem to hate being doctors!! Would anyone care to prove me wrong? Please?

8. Utter fear of residency. 80 hours??????? I will NEVER see my children, I will be miserable. Again, if you are a resident who enjoyed herself, PLEASE let me know!


What am I most scared of if I choose to quit?

1. REGRET! Obvi. I won't be able to change my mind. All those nights of study over party, all that striving and planning, all that money, all that pumping during lectures... all for nothing, nothing, nothing? If I don't at least get the MD, those 2 years are totally useless! I don't want to be a sad old woman.

2. BHS. bitter housewife syndrome. When cleaning/cooking is what you do and your husband could not care about those things one way or the other, it leads to not-so-nice feelings.

3. Loss of identity. I really don't feel like I am a stay at home mom type. Won't it just look like I was pursuing this career just to bide time until I met a man?? Ick.

4. Poor house. I have racked up a staggering debt load. It would be nice to have the freedom that money could bring- take our kids to other countries, live somewhere that is not an apartment, visit family in california.

5. Most important. Wasted life. I am terrified of squandering what has been given to me. I know raising babies is not a waste, but it can be done without 100% of your time. I want to use what I have been given.

There, a 20 page essay and I am no more decided than when I started. Ugh.