Wow, I am humbled and surprised that anyone is actually reading what I write, much less taking the time to try and give some advice, thank you!

Is it the sun? The fact that baby boy woke at 8 instead of 5 this morning? I don't know, but I am feeling much better about it all.

So, I think I have come up with a new harebrained scheme...

I actually feel really good about it, I just am not so sure that it is possible. If anyone knows more than me, please help!

So, as I have said, husband is done with this hellish residency in 3 years (after this year). Then, we have 2 choices. 1. He can do a fellowship. This would add a total of SIX YEARS to our military commitment! That means more deployments, more moving, and our kids would be in high school by the time he could get out! The reason why it would be a good idea is it would keep him here and not deployed long enough for me to finish a residency. 2. He finishes in 3 years, gets sent who-knows-where to do his 4 year payback, then says ciao to the army. Way better! But, I couldn't do a residency unless we lived apart for 2 years (not an option for us!)

So, I have thought about taking 5 years off before residency to support him/ wait out this commitment. But, you only have a total of 7 years to take all 3 steps (I hear)

That brings me to my fabulous solution that came to me on our walk this morning.

I would go back and finish my MD this July. I can't really put this off unless I want to repeat those horrid first 2 years! Then, I would apply for a transitional year internship and take step 3. This way, I would exceed the time limit. Mother in law would come to help us during those 3 years. I don't want anyone but her helping while I am having little babies, and to put it bluntly, she is no spring chicken!! She is 61 and if I were to wait longer, she might be too old.

After that, I would pause my training for 4 years while DH served his time and we end up living God knows where. During that time, I could volunteer and attend academic lectures at his hospital. After that, I would apply for a residency in California where we could finally be close to family and friends again! The kids would be older, and I wouldn't need MIL anymore after those 3 years.

I know I would not be very competitive after taking that much time off, but people do it. I did really well on step one and if I can just do it again on 2 and 3, then maybe? I also know these next three years would be very hard, but there would be an end in sight. Also, our family would stay together, I wouldn't have to give up my dream of being a doctor OR having a big family....

Oh, I am so excited at this idea!

After way too much sitting and staring and thinking, I realize that it is now or never. A lot of programs have a "no more than one year out rule." I just need to do it.

Plus, I realize that I cannot be a stay at home mom. I love the time I have with my son, but I am an extreme extrovert and it makes me crazy to be cooped up!! I go out and see other moms every day, but still... Snippets of conversation shouted as we chase after our kids at the park are not cutting it for me. I need regular, prolonged, adult interaction!!!! It doesn't help that DH is never here and awake at the same time. Also, I feel aimless and sort of lost. I need to be working toward something that I feel has meaning. I know taking care of my son has eternal value, but I don't think it makes a difference if I make him every meal and read him every book.

So: my options are still longer time in military (boo), live apart for two years (huge boo), or try and transfer mid-residency to wherever he gets stationed (fat chance, not wort risking the live-apart scenario for).

I am feeling pretty angry about his choices and how they have affected my life. He chose OB and it is a horrific lifestyle. I never see him, and neither does our son. He chose the military, so now I get to move to cruddy places until I am 39 years old???? I get to miss out on the lives of my siblings and parents? I shouldn't be mad. He was in when we started dating. But I am and I can't tell him.

A ver.

Something I want to remind myself of in order to make my motivations less murky... I don't mean to get annoying and preachy, but I have been thinking a lot about grace and christianity and what it means to me. I have had this reawakening. I am realizing that God sees me, the judgmental, competitive, selfish, anxious parts of me accepts me. I am realizing that my self-worth comes from there, from how I am regarded. It is totally unrelated to my achievements. It is one way love. It is helping me love my mother in law, because I feel more like her than unlike her. It is helping me lose self-righteousness. Man, I am not doing a good job of explaining... maybe I should think and come back. Anyway, I guess I am realizing that my worth doesn't come from what I do or don't do, what I have, or what others think of me. It comes from the love God has for me which I can't do anything to make stronger or to lose. That is freeing to me. It frees me to make choices out of a place of peace and joy.

OK, time to eat some brownies.

Musings on Speciality options
(my own and also plagiarized thoughts)


Why I think I might like ER

1. I like the idea of working up someone you know nothing about… rather than the same cholesterol issue for the past 10 years, or treating known pneumonia for 5 days. I think I would like the “figuring out”
2. I think I have ADHD my brain flits around a lot. When I am trying to clean at night, I can’t just do the dishes and then move on, I do the dishes, toys, make lunch, check email all at the same time.
3. See a variety of people from all walks of life.
4. HOURS both in residency and afterward
5. More like a job than a calling
6. GREAT opportunity for doing international work (quite possibly my only real passion when it comes to medicine!)
7. I don’t really need to feel like the “expert”
8. Team like atmosphere. I hate hate hate working alone!


Why I am unsure

1. I have no idea if I like procedures. I keep thinking of how much I sucked at drawing blood.
2. Would you feel like a tech? No respect from other docs.
3. After residency, hours can be good no matter what you do if you are not the main “breadwinner” part time!
4. More like a job than a calling
5. I don’t know if I could get into a program here, it is very competitive.


Why I think I might like Pediatrics

1. (Obvious one) I love kids! They make me so happy, and not just my own. I connect well with them and I feel like I understand their little brains. I also love teenagers! I enjoyed my year as a middle school teacher SO much.
2. I don’t care about the money. Really. I will most likely work part time on top of pediatricians not making that much to begin with. That’s fine by me. I’ll just mooch off of DH!
3. Room for specializing. I could really see myself doing peds cardiology or rheumatology someday.
4. Kids (most often) get better.
5. Other pediatricians are nice
6. Fairly well respected among other doctors
7. I really liked learning about genetics/ congenital stuff
8. Pediatricians seem happy
9. I like that there is the growth/ development / parent counseling aspect to general peds.
10. Not a whole lot of chronic illness care. That’s not my bag.
11. I know how dramatic and scary it feels to have your baby get sick. I’d like to help people at that moment. Being a drama queen myself, I think I could keep from getting too annoyed with parents!
12. I’d like to help mommas with breastfeeding, maybe become a lactation consultant.
13. I can easily see myself still in the field as an old lady (unlike EM)
14. Opportunity for international work
15. I am interested in doing autism research.
16. It is likely that I could get into a program here since it is not ridiculously competitive and (by some miracle of God) I did very well on step 1.


Why I am unsure

1. I don’t hate adults. ☺ In fact, when I picture working as a doctor, I usually picture talking with another adult who can verbalize what is going on with his or her body.
2. A day full of screaming, scared kids. Would that wear on you? My son was so out of control last time, the doctor could not do any sort of exam at all.
3. I question my motivation. Am I just trying to fit into some ideal woman image I have created? If I am a pediatrician with 5 kids of my own, people will really think I am a feminine woman and also a smart doctor? I hope that is not true, but I want to be sure ME that actually would be happy doing peds (not people pleaser me)
4. 5 billion cases of strep throat and otitis media a day. Would that get old? (but isn’t that the case in anything you do?)
5. ******most important to me: The residency sucks balls. 80 + hours. I see my husband’s life and I really really truly don’t think I could do that.

I don't want to live on a farm.

I had a playdate today with two other moms. They are both educated, ex-career women who are pretty cool, I had fun. I am realizing more and more, though, that I am different from the women who have chosen that path. They are so passionate about things that pretty much leave me scratching my head.

One of them has had a son who has been potty trained since he was 9 weeks old. 9 weeks!! Why?

None of them allow their children to play with "garish" electronic toys. They feel that if you are too busy to interact with your child yourself, that is sad. Well, my child likes those toys best! Sometimes, I am not too busy, but I want to do something else while he hears the ABC song 29 times in a row. I think that is ok.

They are really into eating "local" and "in season" only. They scour the area for farmers markets. This does not excite me. At all.

Finally, one told us about her lifelong dream: to live on a dairy farm and have lots of kids. She and her lawyer husband are saving to make that happen.

That was when I realized, I have dreams too. They are not any worse for my children. I love them with my whole being, but I don't want to spend my time at farmers markets or potty training infants or milking cows. And that's ok.

Again, I have no clue.

I am beginning to think that I have some sort of pathological phobia of decision making.

I realized the other day that I am happy. Really, genuinely, deep down into your shoes happy. I am making good friends, I am seeing my little boy learn and grow, things are pretty darn good with the husband, and new baby is coming soon. I don't know when I have felt this way. It is like all of the struggle and strive is gone.

That said, when I think about next year, my heart sinks. It inevitably makes me hug my toddler too tight for too long. I saw someone walking home from the metro (me next year on my hour long commute) and I thought- how sad and lonely that will be. I don't feel excited about anything having to do with next year.

I think my worries were triggered today at my book club. The leader (maybe the wisest woman I have ever met) said in passing what a grave mistake it was when she agreed to let her family live apart for a while. She said it is never worth it. I was undone when she said this because I know it is true. However, that is the only way I can finish my training. Either that, or wait 5 years for residency! The thing is, I'm not sure if I care. I want my life to be about something, to have some meaning, to matter. Is that why I want medicine? Should I consider something else? Would I be a disappointment to myself and my family?

I thought this blog would help me make some choices, but I just seem to be stuck on this merry go round.

So, I made some calls to program directors. The feeling I get is that taking 5 years off would not be ideal (duh) but *might* be possible *somewhere* especially if I stayed involved with medicine during that time in some way.

Maybe I could get through the next two years if I knew a break was coming...

I think it is really funny that I am eating lasagna at 12:40 am.

Less funny- I had my 32 week ob appointment and I lost 2 pounds since last time. In fact, I just realized that I haven't gained anything in 6 weeks.

The baby is still measuring fine, but I worry about my mindset. I really thought that I was gaining unhealthy amounts of weight- somewhere along the lines of 5 pounds a week. It sure felt like I was. So, I started trying to eat somewhat healthy and get some exercise every day. I kept track of what I ate/weighed in a journal. Now, I am worried that my thinking has become screwy in this area again. I have been getting a lot of compliments and "you are so tiny" comments from people and it makes me feel this weird pressure that I haven't felt for a long time. The difference now is that I have a sweet boy growing in me who needs me to get it right. I know that my brain is broken in this area and I can easily spiral off. So. At least now I have realized it. I think an eating disorder is exactly like being an alcoholic. It is always there. You have to be mindful of it and kill it again and again. Falling into that small world again is the last thing I would ever want. Time to relax and make some changes.

btw, I don't want to make anyone worry- I am at a healthy weight for my stage of pregnancy. I have just learned that I have to be hyper vigilant about my thoughts in this area... and the more open I am with myself and with the people around me, the better it is.

Anxiety!

I want to be one of those people who are giddy before the birth of their child. I want to look forward to next year with happy anticipation. But, what I feel is anxiety.

How will my marriage hold up? How will I hold up? Will my house become a disaster? Will my son feel abandoned?

I am worried about my two year old to boot. He CANNOT fall asleep without screaming for a half an hour. I don't think this is normal. DH treats me like a crazy person. Today I said, "this is stressful. Is it just me?" And he said, "yes, it is just you. He is two, it is not stressful." Maybe he is right. I just hate for him to feel such anguish. If I go into his room, it only makes the crying worse. It is not going to end before baby gets here, I realize that.

I am worried about labor. What if I can't get ahold of anyone? My first labor was 2 hours. What if no one comes to help and I have to deal with crazy man 2 yo and labor by myself? I am SCARED of the pain, but I think I still want to do it natural again.

I am worried about my body. I don't exercise anymore. I feel like I don't have any time to. I am blimping up in my face and arms and I am dealing with it by baking.

We went over to another resident's house last night and when she found out I was 25, she was like, "wow, you don't look it! You look older!" Who says that??? I realize that my first two years of med school + baby aged me a lot, but don't tell me that!

I am worried about my mom coming in 2 weeks. I love her, but she is the most judgmental person on earth. IE- I need to clean big time!


OK, we are adults reading this, right? All of these thoughts are making sex the last thing I want to do. We used to be 5 times a week people and it has been over a week. It makes my husband so weird and grumpy. Then, I feel a ton of pressure and it starts to feel like another chore, ick. Honestly, does anyone feel sexy in their 38th week with acid reflux and crazy hormones??

I guess I just feel so unsure about everything. Sometimes I feel like I got thrust into so many adult things: marriage, motherhood, medical school, living so far away from my parents just a few weeks after turning 23 and I wasn't ready. I am 25 now, and I should feel more sure of myself.

I hope my posts start getting more positive!

On the plus side, I have made a lot of friends. I feel like they are good friends, too. Ones that I can share how I am truly feeling. That is a blessing and I need to realize it!!

Today was sweetness. First of all, it cooked up to just above 40 which meant I could actually get OUT with my little guy! But more than that, I finally felt that sense of peace that I have been waiting on. I felt how randomly lucky I am to have a sweet, devoted man who loves me and soon to be 2 beautiful sons. Everything has worked out for us to be together and also to both pursue medicine so far. My life is so full and sometimes I can't believe it is actually mine!

I felt ready to meet this new baby today. A brand new little soul who will fill up my thoughts so completely but is right now still a mystery. My little guy will have a brother to grow up with. Today I found myself saying "Thank you" out loud.

Then, I went to my OB appointment. I am 3 centimeters already and 10 days from my due date. I was a week and a half late last time so I wasn't expecting to be going any time soon. She seems to think it will be in the next couple days! I had her strip my membranes (what the heck?) and now we wait and see. Also, she thinks this baby is on the small side (hooray! 9 pounds was unpleasant last time) DH has his OBGYN boards in the morning so hopefully baby will wait till Daddy is done.

Hmmm, feeling happy yet focused. I feel like I can do this again, I really want to deliver this baby without meds like I did his big bro. Oh, I want to meet him!

My house is clean, the laundry is done, TP is stocked, DVDs are organized, closets are in order.... and no baby!

I think I will be pregnant forever.