Welcome little man!! This will be short although I have a LOT to write. I have a rare moment in which grandma, toddler, and baby are all in the other room. Baby boy was born on Jan 30th. He was 7 lb 10 oz (yay!) and is super healthy. He is already 8 lb 4 oz at 2 weeks old! In the end, I decided to do it without meds again, but it was as if it was my first time, it was SO different. The labor was 7 hours long which was almost triple the first time! I will write more about the birth but I am so excited and proud of my little guy. I just had to tell the world

So far he is an "easy" baby... hooray! Of course I am still sleep deprived, but at least it is sweetness and not stress while he is keeping me up all night!

Back to square one. Right now it feels like the only thing that is making me finish school is the 250,000 dollars in student loans that I have so far. There isn't even an ounce of excitement when I think about this July. Tonight, I went out with a friend. I don't know if it was the sangrias or her prodding questions, but I realize more than ever that I don't want to go back. I like my life right now. But, with a 3,000 dollar a month student loan payment, I suppose my life wouldn't be the same. Ugh. Our marriage is so strained by his intern year as it is. I don't think we could handle his mom, small babies, clerkships, and deployments! I like supporting him while he does something hard- I don't think we can both do it! The thought of never going back makes me feel giddy. Everyone I talk to thinks I am crazy to finish if my heart is not 300% on board. Everyone except my husband. He thinks that it is too much a part of me to let go. I think that part of me isn't there anymore.

The thought of going days without seeing my boys is unbearable to me. Plus, these are the most important years of their lives! I just wish I would have waited for babies. What was the hurry??

I could really use some opinions of women who are working. All of my friends here are SAHMs and maybe getting one perspective only is affecting me.

Oh, so tired. Must go to bed

Back in California, my family is falling apart. Here on the east coast, my new family is closer than ever.

I guess this anonymous blog is as good as anyplace else for rambling about it.

Strange. My parents have been married for 37 years. They weren't blissful or anything, but they were happy. They had fun together, went on trips, talked for hours, raised 4 kids... Then a few weeks ago, my mom found out that my dad is a sex addict. WHAT??? My dad is the most uncreepy churchy booky man I have ever met. It turns out that he has been living a completey double life. Call girls, random women, women at work, women at church. My mom (and all of us kids) is obviously devastated. My dad is falling apart, literally. Its like his other life was never fully recognized by his consciousness and the weight of it is breaking him. He can't stop crying and begging everyone to forgive him. He is in therapy. He also thinks he has been miraculously healed from this compulsion. How convenient that that happened just as he was found out.

Couldn't be weirder.

I am aware that this will affect me- a lot. So far, I feel like my home with my husband and babies has finally become my only home. I don't feel like I belong in my parents house as a child anymore. Also, it makes me want to be more self sufficient than my mother was. She is very smart, but she spent all of these years supporting my dad. Now she is face with supporting herself and she may not be able to. Also, I have been having the overwhelming desire to start bingeing and purging again. Great. I guess these things never die. I did it three times already. I have already been feeling horrible in my post baby body and I think this pushed my over. I guess I need to start talking with a counselor again and work out my crap. Crap. Was his weirdness linked to my issues all along and I never knew?

July 1 looms and I am feeling mildly optimistic. I am starting out with pediatric neurology (cool!) and I am kind of excited about it. I have started reading my old FA here and there when I get a chance and I am actually enjoying it. Maybe if I can cool off a little with the whole overachiever act, I could enjoy this. Just pass and try and learn enough to help someone. That will be my new motto. In a way, I can't wait for a break for my kids! That sounds horrible, I know. I love them with every cell in my body, but being the only one to take care of a CRAZY tantrumy toddler and an infant for their whole waking day is exhausting. I hope my MIL will be able to handle it! Today, toddler was getting a time out for doing something ridiculous. I tried to pick up his flailing body while holding baby in the bjorn. He head-butted baby and gave him a huge red bump!!! It made me cry which made toddler scream and of course baby was crying. We were quite a sight. I'll look back fondly on that next year, I am sure.

DH and I are great right now. I am feeling so connected. We are finally learning how to talk to each other. I need to tell him what has been going on inside my head. He will be so disappointed. Weird times.

Tomorrow is cinco de mayo and we are having friends over for margaritas and tacos. Two days later is bday 26 (I'm old!!!!) Then comes mothers day. DH is on call on mother's day so I will be alone with the boys for 30 hours. I guess that is one kind of mother's day.

So, I took my babies to a bar tonight.

Ha! It was fun. My husband (by no means a planner) forgot to tell me that the ob residents were all going out for a free happy hour (thanks drug reps) until 3 hours before hand. I really wanted to go bc it has been 11 months and I don't know them! We obviously couldn't find anyone on such short notice so we took 'em along. It was so fun! Mr. toddler ran in circles and gave everyone high fives all night and baby got passed from one over-worked baby-hungry resident to the next! It was good to meet every one. Man, dh and I are different. I was talking the whole time and really got to know some cool people and he was pretty reserved. He was like, what could you possibly talk about that long with people you don't know? I don't really understand shyness, I think I perceive it as rudeness. Anyway, it was fun to eat wings and drink beer and talk to adults.

In other news, we have been offered a 5 bedroom house with a yard for MUCH cheaper than our current condo! But, we have to find someone to take over our current lease which is easier said than done...oh I hope I hope I hope. I am tempted to just break our lease and leave, but wiser dh has talked some sense into me. Less than a month until I start. Yikes. I am going to feel like a fish out of water, like I am playing pretend. I feel like my heart has cracked open and swallowed my boys. I am scared that I will lose that closeness and connection. Am I scared to hurt them or me?

It is right around the corner now. I can't believe it. I will be starting on psych for the first 2 months. WOW am I nervous. I don't know what to wear, where to go.... I don't know anyone in my new class. Man, oh man.

I bought some books to carry in my white coat (still only have the one from my old school) but that is all I have done to prepare. There is just so much around the house to take care of before I go, how can I study??

The weird thing is that it has been so long that I don't feel like a medical student anymore. I feel like a housewife. My self-perception has changed a lot this year.

My husband is upset with me for being so negative about going back. He wants me to focus on the positive aspects and to think of it as a good and noble thing that I will be doing. But, what I need is support with regards to the things I fear.

I think that I feel selfish. I think I have swallowed the idea that once you become a mother, your separate self evaporates and you live to make everyone happy. Where did I get that? I feel so selfish for doing something because it challenges me, or because I enjoy it. I feel like it is irresponsible, like a mom who goes to the bar every night. The truth is, I need a break from the boys. I need some time with adults. I feel trapped being home day and night. I just wish it could be part time...

I want to try and blog often in the first few months going back. I think I will really need to.

On top of it all- I am already thinking about when to have our next baby. Am I nuts? Am I using babies as a way to avoid unpleasant situations? As of right now, we aren't even using protection, probably a bad idea if we aren't sure we are ready for number three... I just worry that if I get an iud or something DH will change his mind about wanting more and it will be too late. I want a girl!

Today I dressed the boys in "daddy is my superhero" shirts. Yesterday, my 2 yo and I made cookies and decorated a box to put them in. It was fun. Now we are off to father's day hamburgers once everyone wakes up!

I just wanted to say that I LOVE your blog - you hit on so many of the emotions and fears that I worry about having (I'm getting ready to start med yr 1, just got married in may and am hoping to start a family within the next few years). It's been so encouraging to hear from someone like you who definitely has it tougher than I ever will (DH has a much more flexible work situation - I can't imagine doing what you're doing with not only a military husband, but a PHYSICIAN military husband!) and to see you making it work, despite all the mixed emotions and the heartbreak of moving on from your period of SAHM-hood. There's this INCREDIBLY strong stigma that I already feel (and I haven't even started yet) against women who prioritize family above their medical career - like somehow a life in medicine simply precludes having a family before you're 35. Thank you for putting your story out there, to be an encouragement not only to other medical moms, but to those of us who are looking down the road toward becoming medical moms and are looking for support and guidance.

I noticed that you're in Rockville - where are you going to school? I'm currently working at NIH in Bethesda (took a yr off between college and med 1) and just moved to White Marsh (just NE of the Baltimore beltway). I'll be attending UMD in the fall.

It is so late.. this will be a quickie - but you gotta love those

My mother in law is coming TOMORROW. What am I f *%*ing thinking??? Have I mentioned that she is crazy, manipulative, and impossible to talk to???? I am suddenly so scared. No more peace at home, no more quiet times.

On top of that, DH and I are fighting like maniacs. Well, fighting as much as is possible when your husband does not communicate at all. It is like pulling teeth to get him to talk.

I went all out for his birthday and got little-no reaction. Sometimes I wonder if he feels anything. He thinks I am overly emotional, but to me he is starting to seem robotic... was he always this way or is he just really really tired and worried? He works all the time, but never thinks to call or even text. He is so introverted and processes all of his worries inside, but where does that leave me? What is a partner if not the person that gets you through tough times? We are currently not talking. It might possibly have something to do with the fact that I told him that I think he has asperger's. He is just SO nonverbal and I am SO verbal. How can you have a relationship without talking? Its just that since we have been married, I have realized that he is really very different than I thought he was. I guess I need to let this man I invented die so that I can learn to love the one I have. Hmmm,

Also, baby has decided to stop sleeping at night. He just wants to play. He doesn't even want to eat! Just up all night playing, then up for the day at 4:45. What??? He might be uncomfortable or something, but he is so easygoing that he wouldn't cry.

now it is almost 1 am. Sheesh.

nervous nervous nervous to start.

I have been feeling pretty blah about it, but it is starting to hit. The thought of leaving the boys puts a lump in my throat.

I'm going to miss the games that my two year old plays with his trucks... pretending like they did something wrong and sending them to time out, pretending to feed them lunch... I will miss his silly run and how intensely he feels and experiences even trivial things. I will miss cuddling with my sweet baby boy. I'll miss the massive smile that he gets when anyone looks his way and the super serious expression he gets when he is trying to grab a toy. I will miss seeing them interact with each other.

I feel like I am losing them forever. I know I'm not, but that's how it feels and I am so very sad.

I'm crying as I write... I hope to feel better about it tomorrow.

I am happy for a blog where I can vent about this new MIL situation to people that I will never meet and don't know her!!!


Oh, my. This woman can talk and talk and talk. If it were a conversation, I would eat it up. But, they are speeches. There is NEVER a quiet moment, if I try to interject, she talks over me louder. I can't even read to my son because she talks over the book.

Oh, Lordy.

Plus, she is a compulsive liar. Today at dinner while DH was on call, she sat at the table talking to an ATT customer service person the whole time. She made up a story to them in order to try and get some money back, and then forgot that she already told me that she had made up that story and tried to tell it to me too.

Ugh.

Her room is upstairs and our room/boys' room is downstairs. We thought this would contain her a bit, but she just goes wherever the action is. 6 am, 10 pm... doesn't matter.

I really dislike her. How is it possible for this to work? I think she is the only person I know that I really, genuinely dislike being around.

I hope it gets better.

At least now I understand my husband's conversational weirdness. Comparatively, he is an awesome listener.

positive:

she loves my boys (possibly because they allow her to relive her happy memories?!)

She helps with cleaning. I despise cleaning.

she is my husband's mom. I love him.

we are paying her 50/week. We can't afford anything more. therefore, she really is our only choice.

we will be able to get out after kid-os are in bed.


OK, but does she come along to everything now? BBQs? Zoo?

I can't even think because she is still talking. I don't even need to look at her- she just goes and goes. It is really socially inappropriate and makes me wonder.

Here it is July 2nd. I really and truly was unprepared. I don't think I really believed that it would come.

Yesterday was pretty terrible, today was less so. For starters, I only got 3 hours of sleep because I was up arguing with my husband 'till one, then baby was awake from 4-5, then it was time to get in the shower. Sweet. My 2 yo was SCREAMING when I left. "Want to come with!!!" I cried all the way to the metro (30 min walk) and off and on throughout the day. The more they described the year, the deeper I felt I was sinking into my seat. I felt like it was all so silly- the scrubs, the books, the H and Ps... It just felt so empty to me, it feels like what mattered was at home.

Plus, there is nowhere to pump. And they said that they would feed us, but I had to use the break to scour the hospital for a room to pump in so I didn't eat or drink until 1.

PLUS, after pumping, I stood up and hit my head so hard on a tv I was sitting under that I had the WORST headache of my life for the rest of the day. I even had dried blood in my hair! My first thought was, Oh how tragic. I am going to get an intracranial bleed and die and this will have been my last day on earth??!

My new schools schedule is crazy. It is like an intern year. Surgery (2 months) begins at 4:30 am and ends at 6:00 pm. That means I will be leaving my house at 3 am and getting home at 7:30. Kids go to bed at 7. I feel desperately sad about the hours I am facing... I feel so powerless. I feel like I am losing my babies.

My spirits were a little higher today. We only had a half day of BLS training and I actually had fun. It didn't feel as bizarre being away from them. I really haven't been away from them for more than an hour or two in over a year. When I get home, she is still around (obviously) playing with them and talking. Loud. I guess it will never be mommy and boy time anymore.

Monday starts Psych. I was told, "You will love psych. It is so relaxed. You only work from 8-6 so you get plenty of time to go home and read every night." He was serious.

I am going to have to let go of control of my home, my babies, what everyone eats, and when everyone sleeps. I feel like I have to hand my whole life over to the MIL for 5 years. I hope she does a good job with my life.

Wow, I thought psych was supposed to be easy! They keep us busy without stopping from 7-5. It is so hard to find a chance to pump at all!

I am really liking it though, I find it so interesting. I love rounding- I feel so privileged to be a part of the discussion with the attendings and residents. It is amazing how much patients open up to you when you have a white coat on. Strange- a whole new set of rules seem to apply. I have always loved talking with people about their issues- I kind of do it everywhere I go. So, I am really enjoying that aspect of it. I love my 75 year old sweet woman with severe MDD... and I love to steer clear of my borderline lady! Also, it is a strange, different culture amond doctors. I have been out of this weird world for so long that I forgot it. It feels strange to me to be so impersonal and formal with one another during rounds... there is a set hierarchy. So far, I think I am doing pretty well! I have always liked psych and I remember most of what I learned two years ago (med will be a different story). I think it helps that I am not terrified of making a mistake in front of an attending. I feel like my identity is REALLY not in my school performance anymore. I think that has freed me up to ask questions and join discussions more than I might otherwise.

I do OK until about 3:30 when I know the boys are waking up. Then, I get really sad. The 1 - 1.5 hour commute is HORRIFIC. But, there is no changing it now, so I will not let it get to me.

baby crying!!!

TBC