Here I am, in the middle of everything, feeling like everything is still so unknown. I think I will start this blog to help me organize myself and to see how it all turns out... I know no one will read it but me, but maybe it will be therapeutic?

So, I am at a strange in-between point in my life right now. I am finished with my 1st two years of medical school (really? when did that happen??) and I have transferred to DC where my husband has started his OBGYN residency with the army. I am taking this whole year off, though to be with my little man, 19 months old and to have time with new baby, due in February.

The past two years have been HARD. Understatement. They have been gut-wrenching at times. I never pictured myself missing out on things with my child. I never got used to that, was never comfortable with it. I would cut corners at school, cut corners at home, and wound up feeling way out of balance.

So, now I have the chance to spend a whole year with my baby love (soon to be babies!) Why does it still feel so hard? Well, for one, we have moved to a new place where I know NO ONE and in spite of my extraversion am having a hard time meeting people. My husband is, quite literally, never here. His program is so demanding (and malignant). He falls asleep or has to read if he is home. This means I spend all day trying to take care of all of the laundry/dishes/cleaning/dinners. With no one to talk to but a 19 month old, some days I feel like I am going crazy! If DH came home at a reasonable hour...5 or 6, it would be so different. Plus, being pregnant makes me a little unstable.

Most of all, I see his horrific lifestyle and think, am I going back to that this July?? The thought makes me go cold. However, I feel like I have something to contribute to people besides my immediate family. So much has been given to me, I feel a responsibility to use it. I used to LOVE clinic days at the hospital and getting "pimped" and using what I had learned. But, why do I have to do it for so many hours that I miss my son's life? I am so torn. My two biggest are passions medicine and motherhood; I feel like I have to choose one or the other.

Until next July, this will be a blog about my brief stint as a SAHM and the surprises I am finding. Who knew I would still feel like I have no free time?? Why are all of the moms in my neighborhood over 10 years older than me?? Why do I feel like my husband has already been deployed to Iraq? It is mostly good times, it is just that the negatives have blind-sided me. I suppose I expected a constant state of bliss!

Hi Nonny22 -

I know I've talked with you privately. I agree with you, it is very isolating staying at home. I just graduated and was busy and interacting with people 24-7. When I was finished in February, my best friend (across the continent) was a SAHM and we texted each other throughout my baby's naps daily. Now, she's working, all of my friends moved to residency and I'm alone. :-( But I love spending time with my baby and son so its a double-edged sword!

Another thing you could look into is a shared residency. I've seen them in some places where 2 residents take the work of 1 position meaning they work 1/2 the amount of time. Of course it takes them longer to finish but. . .

The other thing to consider is something like Family Medicine, which still gives you all of the pediatric exposure but way better hours. Of all of the residencies I've seen, there is the best opportunities in Family Medicine to have a life outside the hospital.

You have only one year of misery left - 3rd year - and then the next year is pretty darned easy. It sounds like motherhood is as important to you as it was to me and I too cut corners. I don't regret it. My application is a little bit barren but I was able to include the fact that I had 2 beautiful babies in medical school, something that seems to surprise and impress virtually every attending I've told. Don't feel bad about cutting corners. When you start back again, tell them you have to leave at 5 and then do it. Learn the material, answer their questions but get home in time to see your babies. Its worth it. I went to a very competitive, not family friendly school and managed to get by with great letters of recommendation and very little doubt I'll get into residency.

Something else (sorry, I'm kind of rambling, my brain still isn't super focused with my baby not sleeping through the night), your husband will be done in 4 years? And you'll graduate in 3 years? Then will he be deployed? If so, can you choose a more family-oriented location?

My thoughts, having been through the miserable trenches that face you!

AAhhhh. The end of the day, 10:40. The place is cleaned, bills paid, coffee and lunches prepped, and my 2 men are asleep. I love this time of night when it is just me and my kicking fetus.

BTW, I realized I didn't say much about myself in my first entry. I am 25, I get married and pregnant at 23. I grew up in southern california and went to a small Christian college majoring in Biology and religion. I was all set to go to USC school of med when hubby proposed, that's how I ended up out here on this adventure!

Obviously, that leaves a lot out. Throw in a severe preoccupation with perfection and achievement, rebellion from that self-imposed pressure by self-destructive partying, an eating disorder, working my A** off to overcome that disease, a very strict Christian upbringing, again rebellion, lots of travel, mountains of student loans, and that is a more realistic view of my earlier years... if you can say "earlier years" at 25

I would say, compared to that turbulent time, now is a time of balance and peace. Maybe that is why is feels so strange. I've been in a frenzy for so many years, either of my own making, or because of school. Its almost as if I am scared of what would be there if the dust were to settle.

OK, enough of that talk. I had a pretty nice weekend, DH had TWO DAYS off in a ROW!!! A first. Spending so much time apart does strain a relationship though. For some reason, at the beginning of his time off, I am super awkward with him- standoffish and argumentative. I don't know why I do it!! All I want is to finally have some good family time together and I make it start off weird. I think I get this rosy image of how the Day Off will go, and if it is anything less, I am disappointed. What a child! Perfectionism can ruin everything and rob you of enjoying what is real. I also joined MOPS this week (moms of preschoolers) About that..moms my age? Yes. Super churchy and conservative women that ring all of my childhood bells? Yes. I am going to give it a fair shot though, I need to!

HAM, thanks for that input. I can do one more hard year for sure. My husband is thinking about doing a fellowship after residency which would give him 3 more non-deployable years here. Family med is a really good thought- everyone says don't choose a field unless you are passionate about it...but I never knew a person to be more passionate about a field than DH is about obgyn, and that passion is being drained out of him! Tonight, after another 15 hour day, he stayed awake just long enough to eat the meatballs I had made, tell me he hated his job, and fall asleep. So sad! I will not do that! Our son kept looking for him today all over the house.

Gosh, this is negative so far, yuk! I need to focus more on the huge amounts of goodness in my life.

Teething toddler is letting me know that he needs motrin and milk, time to go!

Book club day at the church I have been going to! A chance to feel my brain in action again, to talk with some pretty cool people, to put on something besides go-to-the-park clothes.

However, that effing tooth is driving my sweet boy insane and I was only there for 10 minutes before the nursery came to ask me to take him home. Bummer. It was such an ordeal to get out the door too. I am prophylaxing the heck out of him next week.

Also, DH usually gets home around 8, but was told that he is required to go to a drug rep dinner about a chemo drug. What? He is an obgyn. Is it their goal to ensure that he never see his family ever?? So weird.

However, it is a beautiful day, fall is in the air, kids are at the park, and I am going to make the most of it!

thinks to look forward to:

BFF from college who just got out of the peace corps is coming to visit next week!!!! I have not seen her since my wedding, I can't wait.

I find out if it is a boy or a girl in exactly one week! Then, I can stop referring to this little person as "it" like he or she is our new pet.

I don't see how medicine could ever fit into my life again. GREAT. I am having such a sweet day with baby boy today. Throughout the day, there are so many formative moments between us. I am acutely aware that I am forming his concepts of how we treat others, how to overcome what we are scared of, faith... what a responsibility! I can't stop obsessing over the fact that when I go back to school, it will be someone else doing all these things. Yesterday, he worked up the nerve to go down the slide all by himself for the first time. He was so proud of himself and did it again and again with this huge ridiculous grin. I told DH about it and he thought it was cute... would I be ok with just hearing stories like that?? I am MUCH happier now than I was being away to study all day. I need to figure out why I am continuing.

These thoughts come at the same time as a new road block to finishing my training. DH is done with residency in 3 years, I will be done with med school in 2. After he is done, he will be sent *somewhere* in the US for 4 years to pay back his military commitment. There will also be (at least) a year of deployment at some point. This whole time, I was thinking that he was going to do a fellowship here after residency so that we would not be moved, I could do a residency, and we could all be together.

However, the other day, he said, "I don't want to be a specialist." Just like that. Like it affects no one but him. Mind you, I went to a sub-par school to marry him, transferred in the middle of it, paused my education... and he has had to make no adjustments thus far. Granted, he has never had the freedom to adjust, but this time he did. And he is acting as if his career is the only thing worth considering.

If I stayed behind to finish a residency, that would be 2 years of living apart. Fine if you are single, but we have 2 kids (3 by then?) That is NOT ok. So it is up to me to make it work? The only way it could is if I take 2 MORE years off between now and starting residency so that I could apply wherever he got sent. Or, I could do one year off and then a transitional year somewhere then apply where he is. What if I don't want to stretch 4 years into seven?? What if I do that and then he gets sent somewhere else?

The worst part is that I don't even feel convinced that I want to go back at all. Yes, I adore medicine. But it tears me up to be away from baby. I think about my debt... already 300 grand and only halfway though. I think about myself when my kids need me less, what would I be then? I think about how people would see me, just another woman who gave up her dreams. It seems sad, but the truth is I am sad when I am away.

I wish I could finish med school, get my MD and then wait 5 years to do a residency. Is that absolutely impossible?? DH would be out of military, babies would be bigger, ah.

PS, its a boy!!!

I am starting to feel more and more settled (dare I say excited?) about continuing with my education. I don't know if it is all the advice on this site or the time I spent talking, talking, and then talking some more with old friends about it all... but I can say honestly, I don't want to quit. I also don't want to do anything other than medicine. And, it seems like if I wait until things are "easier" at home, it will be immeasurably more difficult to get back into the swing of things at work. So, there it is. Now that I have made a tentative decision, I feel so good about it! I feel like I have a lot to contribute to people other than those I share a last name with.

Also, I had a little talk with DH about shutting off the idea of a fellowship. Apparently it wasn't so final as I had perceived it to be. He was just having a moment. As of now, it is still the tentative plan for him to get a uro-gyn fellowship. Then we would all be together!

On another note, I am even feeling more positive about Mother In Law living with us next year. Have I written about her? scroll, scroll... wow, how have I not? Let me just say that she was a good mother to her children when they were very little. That is *honestly* the ONLY thing I admire about her. She is a compulsive liar, steals money from her family members, cheated on her husband, and lied about who's dad is who's just to start. She is at odds with *literally* every adult in her life except my husband, her favorite child!! She is bitter that I have taken him away. She monologues when she talks and if you say anything like "yes, you just told me this story," it does not alter the course of her speech. Example, just before I walked down the aisle, she screamed in my face and made me burst into tears. (For a VERY un-scream-inducing reason) She never admits a wrong, her kids cannot remember a time when she admitted a mistake.

Everyone thinks I'm crazy for asking her to come live with us. Here is the deal. It was my idea. My husband (who despite all her efforts is NOT a momma's boy) fought it for 2 years. The thing is, she loves our son. She is SO good with babies. I really do trust her judgment in (only) that area. Taking care of her grand-babies makes her so happy. Also, I never got comfortable with anyone else watching our son. Nannies scare me because there is not one there to see what is going on. Daycare sucks because our son was sick the WHOLE time he was there, and I never felt like he was getting the interaction that he needed. Most importantly, my husband and I will be working weird, long hours. There will be times where we will take call on the same night. Do I want an employee with my babies, 4 months old and 2 at that point? NO! I would not be able to handle that. I also would not be able to afford it! Nannies are OUT of the question here in DC (sooo expensive) and daycare hours won't work. I want to wait for the au pair option until our oldest is old enough to "report" what she is doing. They are young! Plus, we can't even afford that. I really do feel like MIL is my only option.

That said, I am beginning to feel optimistic about it. I think living with her and attempting to show her grace and love (and actually mean it) might be the hardest thing I will ever do. I want to have compassion on her to see past her yucky behavior (and to remember that I am no better than her, just different). The truth is, she loves my son and that makes me love her. That can be a starting point. Plus, my husband and I can spent more time together. I can picture once the kids are in bed, we can go for a walk, out to coffee, whatever! I need to remain positive.

I think that I am exceptionally hormonal this pregnancy.

Last night DH and I got into a fight. He only gets one week of vacation this year and it turns out that he could have taken it this month before I was too pregnant to travel. Now its too late. I was disappointed and didn't hide it even though my mom was right next to us. He got WAY defensive and quiet. Anyway, we went downstairs to talk it out and I realized that I had embarrassed him in front of my parents. I felt so bad about it that I started crying. Hard. I always do that. But, his reaction makes it SO much worse. He responds by detaching. He doesn't go to me at all. This surprises me every time and makes me feel utterly alone. I wouldn't allow my worst enemy to cry by herself. He thinks it would seem "fake" to give me a hug when he is upset with me. He is annoyed that he can't ever get upset with my without me falling to the ground in tears. I can't help it! I didn't grow up in a family where people get mad at each other (openly).

Why do men deal with negative emotions/conflict by shutting the other person out? That is the worst possible response!!!! He says that he shuts down for a while, but then is always ready to talk later. That is true, but it is in that moment that I need him to work through our issue and reach out to me.

Well, somehow, I decided that because of that, he doesn't love me and never has. I actually told him that I think he has never loved me. That is not true! I have no doubts that he does- but that was how I felt last night... Now today, I have grainy eyes and a lot of regret. It will be awkward when he gets home. I am such a child sometimes.

Plus, I am getting REALLY fat. By now, I should have gained 11 pounds and I have gained 14. I am getting cellulite. I can't work out because when would I? Am I going to hire a sitter to watch my baby? Should I leave during the half and hour of free time my husband has with me? Bla. I feel yuk.

I think his residency is poisoning what used to be a beautiful and carefree marriage. How will we possibly survive two residencies???? When you spend no time together, everything becomes so dramatic.

I just signed up to work in the ER downtown on friday night! Me and my big ole belly. I am excited but I don't AT ALL remember how to do an H and P! Time to go review during this naptime. I want to make an impression because if I like ER (and I really hope I do, the lifestyle is fantastic!) this is the program I want. It has an average of 50 hours a week for interns!! Seriously! That, and it is one the best programs in the country. It is 4 years instead of 3, but fewer hours are worth that to me...I think. Here goes!

I am full of unrest about next year again. Will peace never come to me? Is there no right decision? this is going to be long, I think... you may want to abort reading!

I need to get back to my "first love." What was it about medicine that drew me? BE HONEST at the gut level!

1. I think it might have been a reaction against feeling objectified at 19 years old. For some reason, it has always been DEEPLY important to me that I be taken seriously and respected. I needed people to think I was smart. No matter how well I performed, however, I felt acutely that as a woman I would always be judged by my appearance in the end. I felt pressure to perform in that way too. I always had to have a man at my side and spiraled into constant dieting and exercise obsession. I think I saw medicine as a place where I could be free from the pressures I felt about my body. It wasn't about that... unlike going into business or being a wife/ mom. The women docs I met had authority and respect. However, those issues have died down. Or, more like I have died to them and have become free to live. I don't feel that pressure anymore, I am much more forgiving of myself, especially since the babies! I don't "need" medicine to feel smart and validated.

Reality: being a doctor does not make you feel respected/ important!! I have seen how residents are treated! It makes you feel inadequate, at least for a very very long time.

2. If you are given much, isn't much expected of you? I have been given a loving childhood, financial help from the government, and the ability to do well in school and relate well to others. Don't I have an obligation to use those gifts to benefit more that my immediate family?? I liked that about medicine, it is a rare field in which you are tangibly helping people in a time of need. Shouldn't that make doctors have a good quality of life? It doesn't seem to! I still believe that when you touch someone at their lowest, neediest point, you are touching God. I have always dreamed of volunteering internationally where medicine is truly needed. Those were some of the most fulfilling times in my life!

Take away- I need to do something that lifts the burden of my fellow man! Sounds cheesy, but this motivates me. It is hard because you can't really do that until you are done training, by then do you still want to?

3. I like the process of hearing a story and piecing together a diagnosis/ plan. There is nothing else like it!

I haven't had enough experience to know how much of a motivating factor this could be for me. Will it get boring once I have seen a million ear infections? Probably!

4. I like knowing how things in my body work! I like being able to answer questions that people ask me.

5. I feel a duty to the women who have come before me to use my life in a way other than being my husband/children's caretaker.


What did I enjoy about my first two years?

Um....er....

1. New friends? That is not insignificant. Working with fun, smart people is important to me.

2. Achievement. At my wise age of 25, I have leaned that this is nothing but a puff of smoke that lasts a moment!

3. Clinic days when I would talk with patients. This I loved.
Would I still love it after it stopped being fresh and new??

4. The muscloloskeletal unit. I know, I'm weird, but I loved leaning about autoimmune diseases... they are so bizarre.

To be honest, 99.99999% of those two years were horrible, torturing, and very dysphoric!

What makes me want to stay home? Why?

1. GUILT!!! Years and years of imbibing the message that good moms want nothing more than to care for their home life! Thank you american church, thank you Mother, thank you private university, thank you people on this forum that constantly write about quitting!!!

How do I differentiate others telling me I should want to stay home from actually wanting to?? I am acutely sensitive to others' expectations of me (at least I realize that now). Potentially, this realization could make me keep going in medicine when what I truly want to do is quit. I have learned that doing ANYTHING out of "should" leads to inner rebellion! I only want to work out of LOVE and JOY.

2. I am really, really blissful being at home (sometimes). I am having the sweetest moments with my son. Today, we put on a cd and had a silly dance party... I feel like these common, every day moments are full of meaning and life. I am building new friendships and getting involved in a new church. I had to ignore my social and spiritual needs for so long that now I feel like I can't get enough. I am napping when tired, cooking healthy meals, and living at a low level of stress. It is great to not feel like wild horses are pulling me in a thousand directions! For the most part, my relationship with DH is better now- although we now have different issues (like me learning to show him grace when it never, ever crosses his mind to put his own socks in the hamper)

3. I don't feel that anyone could love my son like I do. Is that crazy? I want to be the one that makes the decisions about napping and feeding and TV time. Will anyone else really know what its best for him?

4. It makes me feel good about myself to have a semi-clean house, homecooked meals, and be raising our little guy. Judge away, but for whatever reason, it makes me feel validated. I was surprised too.
It makes my husband feel good to be the provider. Good vibes all around.

5. I can have as many babies as I want! I love them! I want 6!!

6. Military life. DH will be deployed, God knows where can a family sustain that AND an "absent" mom??? Could our marriage sustain it?

7. Doctors seem to hate being doctors!! Would anyone care to prove me wrong? Please?

8. Utter fear of residency. 80 hours??????? I will NEVER see my children, I will be miserable. Again, if you are a resident who enjoyed herself, PLEASE let me know!


What am I most scared of if I choose to quit?

1. REGRET! Obvi. I won't be able to change my mind. All those nights of study over party, all that striving and planning, all that money, all that pumping during lectures... all for nothing, nothing, nothing? If I don't at least get the MD, those 2 years are totally useless! I don't want to be a sad old woman.

2. BHS. bitter housewife syndrome. When cleaning/cooking is what you do and your husband could not care about those things one way or the other, it leads to not-so-nice feelings.

3. Loss of identity. I really don't feel like I am a stay at home mom type. Won't it just look like I was pursuing this career just to bide time until I met a man?? Ick.

4. Poor house. I have racked up a staggering debt load. It would be nice to have the freedom that money could bring- take our kids to other countries, live somewhere that is not an apartment, visit family in california.

5. Most important. Wasted life. I am terrified of squandering what has been given to me. I know raising babies is not a waste, but it can be done without 100% of your time. I want to use what I have been given.

There, a 20 page essay and I am no more decided than when I started. Ugh.

Wow, I am humbled and surprised that anyone is actually reading what I write, much less taking the time to try and give some advice, thank you!

Is it the sun? The fact that baby boy woke at 8 instead of 5 this morning? I don't know, but I am feeling much better about it all.

So, I think I have come up with a new harebrained scheme...

I actually feel really good about it, I just am not so sure that it is possible. If anyone knows more than me, please help!

So, as I have said, husband is done with this hellish residency in 3 years (after this year). Then, we have 2 choices. 1. He can do a fellowship. This would add a total of SIX YEARS to our military commitment! That means more deployments, more moving, and our kids would be in high school by the time he could get out! The reason why it would be a good idea is it would keep him here and not deployed long enough for me to finish a residency. 2. He finishes in 3 years, gets sent who-knows-where to do his 4 year payback, then says ciao to the army. Way better! But, I couldn't do a residency unless we lived apart for 2 years (not an option for us!)

So, I have thought about taking 5 years off before residency to support him/ wait out this commitment. But, you only have a total of 7 years to take all 3 steps (I hear)

That brings me to my fabulous solution that came to me on our walk this morning.

I would go back and finish my MD this July. I can't really put this off unless I want to repeat those horrid first 2 years! Then, I would apply for a transitional year internship and take step 3. This way, I would exceed the time limit. Mother in law would come to help us during those 3 years. I don't want anyone but her helping while I am having little babies, and to put it bluntly, she is no spring chicken!! She is 61 and if I were to wait longer, she might be too old.

After that, I would pause my training for 4 years while DH served his time and we end up living God knows where. During that time, I could volunteer and attend academic lectures at his hospital. After that, I would apply for a residency in California where we could finally be close to family and friends again! The kids would be older, and I wouldn't need MIL anymore after those 3 years.

I know I would not be very competitive after taking that much time off, but people do it. I did really well on step one and if I can just do it again on 2 and 3, then maybe? I also know these next three years would be very hard, but there would be an end in sight. Also, our family would stay together, I wouldn't have to give up my dream of being a doctor OR having a big family....

Oh, I am so excited at this idea!

After way too much sitting and staring and thinking, I realize that it is now or never. A lot of programs have a "no more than one year out rule." I just need to do it.

Plus, I realize that I cannot be a stay at home mom. I love the time I have with my son, but I am an extreme extrovert and it makes me crazy to be cooped up!! I go out and see other moms every day, but still... Snippets of conversation shouted as we chase after our kids at the park are not cutting it for me. I need regular, prolonged, adult interaction!!!! It doesn't help that DH is never here and awake at the same time. Also, I feel aimless and sort of lost. I need to be working toward something that I feel has meaning. I know taking care of my son has eternal value, but I don't think it makes a difference if I make him every meal and read him every book.

So: my options are still longer time in military (boo), live apart for two years (huge boo), or try and transfer mid-residency to wherever he gets stationed (fat chance, not wort risking the live-apart scenario for).

I am feeling pretty angry about his choices and how they have affected my life. He chose OB and it is a horrific lifestyle. I never see him, and neither does our son. He chose the military, so now I get to move to cruddy places until I am 39 years old???? I get to miss out on the lives of my siblings and parents? I shouldn't be mad. He was in when we started dating. But I am and I can't tell him.

A ver.

Something I want to remind myself of in order to make my motivations less murky... I don't mean to get annoying and preachy, but I have been thinking a lot about grace and christianity and what it means to me. I have had this reawakening. I am realizing that God sees me, the judgmental, competitive, selfish, anxious parts of me accepts me. I am realizing that my self-worth comes from there, from how I am regarded. It is totally unrelated to my achievements. It is one way love. It is helping me love my mother in law, because I feel more like her than unlike her. It is helping me lose self-righteousness. Man, I am not doing a good job of explaining... maybe I should think and come back. Anyway, I guess I am realizing that my worth doesn't come from what I do or don't do, what I have, or what others think of me. It comes from the love God has for me which I can't do anything to make stronger or to lose. That is freeing to me. It frees me to make choices out of a place of peace and joy.

OK, time to eat some brownies.

Musings on Speciality options
(my own and also plagiarized thoughts)


Why I think I might like ER

1. I like the idea of working up someone you know nothing about… rather than the same cholesterol issue for the past 10 years, or treating known pneumonia for 5 days. I think I would like the “figuring out”
2. I think I have ADHD my brain flits around a lot. When I am trying to clean at night, I can’t just do the dishes and then move on, I do the dishes, toys, make lunch, check email all at the same time.
3. See a variety of people from all walks of life.
4. HOURS both in residency and afterward
5. More like a job than a calling
6. GREAT opportunity for doing international work (quite possibly my only real passion when it comes to medicine!)
7. I don’t really need to feel like the “expert”
8. Team like atmosphere. I hate hate hate working alone!


Why I am unsure

1. I have no idea if I like procedures. I keep thinking of how much I sucked at drawing blood.
2. Would you feel like a tech? No respect from other docs.
3. After residency, hours can be good no matter what you do if you are not the main “breadwinner” part time!
4. More like a job than a calling
5. I don’t know if I could get into a program here, it is very competitive.


Why I think I might like Pediatrics

1. (Obvious one) I love kids! They make me so happy, and not just my own. I connect well with them and I feel like I understand their little brains. I also love teenagers! I enjoyed my year as a middle school teacher SO much.
2. I don’t care about the money. Really. I will most likely work part time on top of pediatricians not making that much to begin with. That’s fine by me. I’ll just mooch off of DH!
3. Room for specializing. I could really see myself doing peds cardiology or rheumatology someday.
4. Kids (most often) get better.
5. Other pediatricians are nice
6. Fairly well respected among other doctors
7. I really liked learning about genetics/ congenital stuff
8. Pediatricians seem happy
9. I like that there is the growth/ development / parent counseling aspect to general peds.
10. Not a whole lot of chronic illness care. That’s not my bag.
11. I know how dramatic and scary it feels to have your baby get sick. I’d like to help people at that moment. Being a drama queen myself, I think I could keep from getting too annoyed with parents!
12. I’d like to help mommas with breastfeeding, maybe become a lactation consultant.
13. I can easily see myself still in the field as an old lady (unlike EM)
14. Opportunity for international work
15. I am interested in doing autism research.
16. It is likely that I could get into a program here since it is not ridiculously competitive and (by some miracle of God) I did very well on step 1.


Why I am unsure

1. I don’t hate adults. ☺ In fact, when I picture working as a doctor, I usually picture talking with another adult who can verbalize what is going on with his or her body.
2. A day full of screaming, scared kids. Would that wear on you? My son was so out of control last time, the doctor could not do any sort of exam at all.
3. I question my motivation. Am I just trying to fit into some ideal woman image I have created? If I am a pediatrician with 5 kids of my own, people will really think I am a feminine woman and also a smart doctor? I hope that is not true, but I want to be sure ME that actually would be happy doing peds (not people pleaser me)
4. 5 billion cases of strep throat and otitis media a day. Would that get old? (but isn’t that the case in anything you do?)
5. ******most important to me: The residency sucks balls. 80 + hours. I see my husband’s life and I really really truly don’t think I could do that.

I don't want to live on a farm.

I had a playdate today with two other moms. They are both educated, ex-career women who are pretty cool, I had fun. I am realizing more and more, though, that I am different from the women who have chosen that path. They are so passionate about things that pretty much leave me scratching my head.

One of them has had a son who has been potty trained since he was 9 weeks old. 9 weeks!! Why?

None of them allow their children to play with "garish" electronic toys. They feel that if you are too busy to interact with your child yourself, that is sad. Well, my child likes those toys best! Sometimes, I am not too busy, but I want to do something else while he hears the ABC song 29 times in a row. I think that is ok.

They are really into eating "local" and "in season" only. They scour the area for farmers markets. This does not excite me. At all.

Finally, one told us about her lifelong dream: to live on a dairy farm and have lots of kids. She and her lawyer husband are saving to make that happen.

That was when I realized, I have dreams too. They are not any worse for my children. I love them with my whole being, but I don't want to spend my time at farmers markets or potty training infants or milking cows. And that's ok.

Again, I have no clue.

I am beginning to think that I have some sort of pathological phobia of decision making.

I realized the other day that I am happy. Really, genuinely, deep down into your shoes happy. I am making good friends, I am seeing my little boy learn and grow, things are pretty darn good with the husband, and new baby is coming soon. I don't know when I have felt this way. It is like all of the struggle and strive is gone.

That said, when I think about next year, my heart sinks. It inevitably makes me hug my toddler too tight for too long. I saw someone walking home from the metro (me next year on my hour long commute) and I thought- how sad and lonely that will be. I don't feel excited about anything having to do with next year.

I think my worries were triggered today at my book club. The leader (maybe the wisest woman I have ever met) said in passing what a grave mistake it was when she agreed to let her family live apart for a while. She said it is never worth it. I was undone when she said this because I know it is true. However, that is the only way I can finish my training. Either that, or wait 5 years for residency! The thing is, I'm not sure if I care. I want my life to be about something, to have some meaning, to matter. Is that why I want medicine? Should I consider something else? Would I be a disappointment to myself and my family?

I thought this blog would help me make some choices, but I just seem to be stuck on this merry go round.

So, I made some calls to program directors. The feeling I get is that taking 5 years off would not be ideal (duh) but *might* be possible *somewhere* especially if I stayed involved with medicine during that time in some way.

Maybe I could get through the next two years if I knew a break was coming...

I think it is really funny that I am eating lasagna at 12:40 am.

Less funny- I had my 32 week ob appointment and I lost 2 pounds since last time. In fact, I just realized that I haven't gained anything in 6 weeks.

The baby is still measuring fine, but I worry about my mindset. I really thought that I was gaining unhealthy amounts of weight- somewhere along the lines of 5 pounds a week. It sure felt like I was. So, I started trying to eat somewhat healthy and get some exercise every day. I kept track of what I ate/weighed in a journal. Now, I am worried that my thinking has become screwy in this area again. I have been getting a lot of compliments and "you are so tiny" comments from people and it makes me feel this weird pressure that I haven't felt for a long time. The difference now is that I have a sweet boy growing in me who needs me to get it right. I know that my brain is broken in this area and I can easily spiral off. So. At least now I have realized it. I think an eating disorder is exactly like being an alcoholic. It is always there. You have to be mindful of it and kill it again and again. Falling into that small world again is the last thing I would ever want. Time to relax and make some changes.

btw, I don't want to make anyone worry- I am at a healthy weight for my stage of pregnancy. I have just learned that I have to be hyper vigilant about my thoughts in this area... and the more open I am with myself and with the people around me, the better it is.

Anxiety!

I want to be one of those people who are giddy before the birth of their child. I want to look forward to next year with happy anticipation. But, what I feel is anxiety.

How will my marriage hold up? How will I hold up? Will my house become a disaster? Will my son feel abandoned?

I am worried about my two year old to boot. He CANNOT fall asleep without screaming for a half an hour. I don't think this is normal. DH treats me like a crazy person. Today I said, "this is stressful. Is it just me?" And he said, "yes, it is just you. He is two, it is not stressful." Maybe he is right. I just hate for him to feel such anguish. If I go into his room, it only makes the crying worse. It is not going to end before baby gets here, I realize that.

I am worried about labor. What if I can't get ahold of anyone? My first labor was 2 hours. What if no one comes to help and I have to deal with crazy man 2 yo and labor by myself? I am SCARED of the pain, but I think I still want to do it natural again.

I am worried about my body. I don't exercise anymore. I feel like I don't have any time to. I am blimping up in my face and arms and I am dealing with it by baking.

We went over to another resident's house last night and when she found out I was 25, she was like, "wow, you don't look it! You look older!" Who says that??? I realize that my first two years of med school + baby aged me a lot, but don't tell me that!

I am worried about my mom coming in 2 weeks. I love her, but she is the most judgmental person on earth. IE- I need to clean big time!


OK, we are adults reading this, right? All of these thoughts are making sex the last thing I want to do. We used to be 5 times a week people and it has been over a week. It makes my husband so weird and grumpy. Then, I feel a ton of pressure and it starts to feel like another chore, ick. Honestly, does anyone feel sexy in their 38th week with acid reflux and crazy hormones??

I guess I just feel so unsure about everything. Sometimes I feel like I got thrust into so many adult things: marriage, motherhood, medical school, living so far away from my parents just a few weeks after turning 23 and I wasn't ready. I am 25 now, and I should feel more sure of myself.

I hope my posts start getting more positive!

On the plus side, I have made a lot of friends. I feel like they are good friends, too. Ones that I can share how I am truly feeling. That is a blessing and I need to realize it!!

Today was sweetness. First of all, it cooked up to just above 40 which meant I could actually get OUT with my little guy! But more than that, I finally felt that sense of peace that I have been waiting on. I felt how randomly lucky I am to have a sweet, devoted man who loves me and soon to be 2 beautiful sons. Everything has worked out for us to be together and also to both pursue medicine so far. My life is so full and sometimes I can't believe it is actually mine!

I felt ready to meet this new baby today. A brand new little soul who will fill up my thoughts so completely but is right now still a mystery. My little guy will have a brother to grow up with. Today I found myself saying "Thank you" out loud.

Then, I went to my OB appointment. I am 3 centimeters already and 10 days from my due date. I was a week and a half late last time so I wasn't expecting to be going any time soon. She seems to think it will be in the next couple days! I had her strip my membranes (what the heck?) and now we wait and see. Also, she thinks this baby is on the small side (hooray! 9 pounds was unpleasant last time) DH has his OBGYN boards in the morning so hopefully baby will wait till Daddy is done.

Hmmm, feeling happy yet focused. I feel like I can do this again, I really want to deliver this baby without meds like I did his big bro. Oh, I want to meet him!

My house is clean, the laundry is done, TP is stocked, DVDs are organized, closets are in order.... and no baby!

I think I will be pregnant forever.

Welcome little man!! This will be short although I have a LOT to write. I have a rare moment in which grandma, toddler, and baby are all in the other room. Baby boy was born on Jan 30th. He was 7 lb 10 oz (yay!) and is super healthy. He is already 8 lb 4 oz at 2 weeks old! In the end, I decided to do it without meds again, but it was as if it was my first time, it was SO different. The labor was 7 hours long which was almost triple the first time! I will write more about the birth but I am so excited and proud of my little guy. I just had to tell the world

So far he is an "easy" baby... hooray! Of course I am still sleep deprived, but at least it is sweetness and not stress while he is keeping me up all night!

Back to square one. Right now it feels like the only thing that is making me finish school is the 250,000 dollars in student loans that I have so far. There isn't even an ounce of excitement when I think about this July. Tonight, I went out with a friend. I don't know if it was the sangrias or her prodding questions, but I realize more than ever that I don't want to go back. I like my life right now. But, with a 3,000 dollar a month student loan payment, I suppose my life wouldn't be the same. Ugh. Our marriage is so strained by his intern year as it is. I don't think we could handle his mom, small babies, clerkships, and deployments! I like supporting him while he does something hard- I don't think we can both do it! The thought of never going back makes me feel giddy. Everyone I talk to thinks I am crazy to finish if my heart is not 300% on board. Everyone except my husband. He thinks that it is too much a part of me to let go. I think that part of me isn't there anymore.

The thought of going days without seeing my boys is unbearable to me. Plus, these are the most important years of their lives! I just wish I would have waited for babies. What was the hurry??

I could really use some opinions of women who are working. All of my friends here are SAHMs and maybe getting one perspective only is affecting me.

Oh, so tired. Must go to bed

Back in California, my family is falling apart. Here on the east coast, my new family is closer than ever.

I guess this anonymous blog is as good as anyplace else for rambling about it.

Strange. My parents have been married for 37 years. They weren't blissful or anything, but they were happy. They had fun together, went on trips, talked for hours, raised 4 kids... Then a few weeks ago, my mom found out that my dad is a sex addict. WHAT??? My dad is the most uncreepy churchy booky man I have ever met. It turns out that he has been living a completey double life. Call girls, random women, women at work, women at church. My mom (and all of us kids) is obviously devastated. My dad is falling apart, literally. Its like his other life was never fully recognized by his consciousness and the weight of it is breaking him. He can't stop crying and begging everyone to forgive him. He is in therapy. He also thinks he has been miraculously healed from this compulsion. How convenient that that happened just as he was found out.

Couldn't be weirder.

I am aware that this will affect me- a lot. So far, I feel like my home with my husband and babies has finally become my only home. I don't feel like I belong in my parents house as a child anymore. Also, it makes me want to be more self sufficient than my mother was. She is very smart, but she spent all of these years supporting my dad. Now she is face with supporting herself and she may not be able to. Also, I have been having the overwhelming desire to start bingeing and purging again. Great. I guess these things never die. I did it three times already. I have already been feeling horrible in my post baby body and I think this pushed my over. I guess I need to start talking with a counselor again and work out my crap. Crap. Was his weirdness linked to my issues all along and I never knew?

July 1 looms and I am feeling mildly optimistic. I am starting out with pediatric neurology (cool!) and I am kind of excited about it. I have started reading my old FA here and there when I get a chance and I am actually enjoying it. Maybe if I can cool off a little with the whole overachiever act, I could enjoy this. Just pass and try and learn enough to help someone. That will be my new motto. In a way, I can't wait for a break for my kids! That sounds horrible, I know. I love them with every cell in my body, but being the only one to take care of a CRAZY tantrumy toddler and an infant for their whole waking day is exhausting. I hope my MIL will be able to handle it! Today, toddler was getting a time out for doing something ridiculous. I tried to pick up his flailing body while holding baby in the bjorn. He head-butted baby and gave him a huge red bump!!! It made me cry which made toddler scream and of course baby was crying. We were quite a sight. I'll look back fondly on that next year, I am sure.

DH and I are great right now. I am feeling so connected. We are finally learning how to talk to each other. I need to tell him what has been going on inside my head. He will be so disappointed. Weird times.

Tomorrow is cinco de mayo and we are having friends over for margaritas and tacos. Two days later is bday 26 (I'm old!!!!) Then comes mothers day. DH is on call on mother's day so I will be alone with the boys for 30 hours. I guess that is one kind of mother's day.

So, I took my babies to a bar tonight.

Ha! It was fun. My husband (by no means a planner) forgot to tell me that the ob residents were all going out for a free happy hour (thanks drug reps) until 3 hours before hand. I really wanted to go bc it has been 11 months and I don't know them! We obviously couldn't find anyone on such short notice so we took 'em along. It was so fun! Mr. toddler ran in circles and gave everyone high fives all night and baby got passed from one over-worked baby-hungry resident to the next! It was good to meet every one. Man, dh and I are different. I was talking the whole time and really got to know some cool people and he was pretty reserved. He was like, what could you possibly talk about that long with people you don't know? I don't really understand shyness, I think I perceive it as rudeness. Anyway, it was fun to eat wings and drink beer and talk to adults.

In other news, we have been offered a 5 bedroom house with a yard for MUCH cheaper than our current condo! But, we have to find someone to take over our current lease which is easier said than done...oh I hope I hope I hope. I am tempted to just break our lease and leave, but wiser dh has talked some sense into me. Less than a month until I start. Yikes. I am going to feel like a fish out of water, like I am playing pretend. I feel like my heart has cracked open and swallowed my boys. I am scared that I will lose that closeness and connection. Am I scared to hurt them or me?

It is right around the corner now. I can't believe it. I will be starting on psych for the first 2 months. WOW am I nervous. I don't know what to wear, where to go.... I don't know anyone in my new class. Man, oh man.

I bought some books to carry in my white coat (still only have the one from my old school) but that is all I have done to prepare. There is just so much around the house to take care of before I go, how can I study??

The weird thing is that it has been so long that I don't feel like a medical student anymore. I feel like a housewife. My self-perception has changed a lot this year.

My husband is upset with me for being so negative about going back. He wants me to focus on the positive aspects and to think of it as a good and noble thing that I will be doing. But, what I need is support with regards to the things I fear.

I think that I feel selfish. I think I have swallowed the idea that once you become a mother, your separate self evaporates and you live to make everyone happy. Where did I get that? I feel so selfish for doing something because it challenges me, or because I enjoy it. I feel like it is irresponsible, like a mom who goes to the bar every night. The truth is, I need a break from the boys. I need some time with adults. I feel trapped being home day and night. I just wish it could be part time...

I want to try and blog often in the first few months going back. I think I will really need to.

On top of it all- I am already thinking about when to have our next baby. Am I nuts? Am I using babies as a way to avoid unpleasant situations? As of right now, we aren't even using protection, probably a bad idea if we aren't sure we are ready for number three... I just worry that if I get an iud or something DH will change his mind about wanting more and it will be too late. I want a girl!

Today I dressed the boys in "daddy is my superhero" shirts. Yesterday, my 2 yo and I made cookies and decorated a box to put them in. It was fun. Now we are off to father's day hamburgers once everyone wakes up!

I just wanted to say that I LOVE your blog - you hit on so many of the emotions and fears that I worry about having (I'm getting ready to start med yr 1, just got married in may and am hoping to start a family within the next few years). It's been so encouraging to hear from someone like you who definitely has it tougher than I ever will (DH has a much more flexible work situation - I can't imagine doing what you're doing with not only a military husband, but a PHYSICIAN military husband!) and to see you making it work, despite all the mixed emotions and the heartbreak of moving on from your period of SAHM-hood. There's this INCREDIBLY strong stigma that I already feel (and I haven't even started yet) against women who prioritize family above their medical career - like somehow a life in medicine simply precludes having a family before you're 35. Thank you for putting your story out there, to be an encouragement not only to other medical moms, but to those of us who are looking down the road toward becoming medical moms and are looking for support and guidance.

I noticed that you're in Rockville - where are you going to school? I'm currently working at NIH in Bethesda (took a yr off between college and med 1) and just moved to White Marsh (just NE of the Baltimore beltway). I'll be attending UMD in the fall.

It is so late.. this will be a quickie - but you gotta love those

My mother in law is coming TOMORROW. What am I f *%*ing thinking??? Have I mentioned that she is crazy, manipulative, and impossible to talk to???? I am suddenly so scared. No more peace at home, no more quiet times.

On top of that, DH and I are fighting like maniacs. Well, fighting as much as is possible when your husband does not communicate at all. It is like pulling teeth to get him to talk.

I went all out for his birthday and got little-no reaction. Sometimes I wonder if he feels anything. He thinks I am overly emotional, but to me he is starting to seem robotic... was he always this way or is he just really really tired and worried? He works all the time, but never thinks to call or even text. He is so introverted and processes all of his worries inside, but where does that leave me? What is a partner if not the person that gets you through tough times? We are currently not talking. It might possibly have something to do with the fact that I told him that I think he has asperger's. He is just SO nonverbal and I am SO verbal. How can you have a relationship without talking? Its just that since we have been married, I have realized that he is really very different than I thought he was. I guess I need to let this man I invented die so that I can learn to love the one I have. Hmmm,

Also, baby has decided to stop sleeping at night. He just wants to play. He doesn't even want to eat! Just up all night playing, then up for the day at 4:45. What??? He might be uncomfortable or something, but he is so easygoing that he wouldn't cry.

now it is almost 1 am. Sheesh.

nervous nervous nervous to start.

I have been feeling pretty blah about it, but it is starting to hit. The thought of leaving the boys puts a lump in my throat.

I'm going to miss the games that my two year old plays with his trucks... pretending like they did something wrong and sending them to time out, pretending to feed them lunch... I will miss his silly run and how intensely he feels and experiences even trivial things. I will miss cuddling with my sweet baby boy. I'll miss the massive smile that he gets when anyone looks his way and the super serious expression he gets when he is trying to grab a toy. I will miss seeing them interact with each other.

I feel like I am losing them forever. I know I'm not, but that's how it feels and I am so very sad.

I'm crying as I write... I hope to feel better about it tomorrow.

I am happy for a blog where I can vent about this new MIL situation to people that I will never meet and don't know her!!!


Oh, my. This woman can talk and talk and talk. If it were a conversation, I would eat it up. But, they are speeches. There is NEVER a quiet moment, if I try to interject, she talks over me louder. I can't even read to my son because she talks over the book.

Oh, Lordy.

Plus, she is a compulsive liar. Today at dinner while DH was on call, she sat at the table talking to an ATT customer service person the whole time. She made up a story to them in order to try and get some money back, and then forgot that she already told me that she had made up that story and tried to tell it to me too.

Ugh.

Her room is upstairs and our room/boys' room is downstairs. We thought this would contain her a bit, but she just goes wherever the action is. 6 am, 10 pm... doesn't matter.

I really dislike her. How is it possible for this to work? I think she is the only person I know that I really, genuinely dislike being around.

I hope it gets better.

At least now I understand my husband's conversational weirdness. Comparatively, he is an awesome listener.

positive:

she loves my boys (possibly because they allow her to relive her happy memories?!)

She helps with cleaning. I despise cleaning.

she is my husband's mom. I love him.

we are paying her 50/week. We can't afford anything more. therefore, she really is our only choice.

we will be able to get out after kid-os are in bed.


OK, but does she come along to everything now? BBQs? Zoo?

I can't even think because she is still talking. I don't even need to look at her- she just goes and goes. It is really socially inappropriate and makes me wonder.

Here it is July 2nd. I really and truly was unprepared. I don't think I really believed that it would come.

Yesterday was pretty terrible, today was less so. For starters, I only got 3 hours of sleep because I was up arguing with my husband 'till one, then baby was awake from 4-5, then it was time to get in the shower. Sweet. My 2 yo was SCREAMING when I left. "Want to come with!!!" I cried all the way to the metro (30 min walk) and off and on throughout the day. The more they described the year, the deeper I felt I was sinking into my seat. I felt like it was all so silly- the scrubs, the books, the H and Ps... It just felt so empty to me, it feels like what mattered was at home.

Plus, there is nowhere to pump. And they said that they would feed us, but I had to use the break to scour the hospital for a room to pump in so I didn't eat or drink until 1.

PLUS, after pumping, I stood up and hit my head so hard on a tv I was sitting under that I had the WORST headache of my life for the rest of the day. I even had dried blood in my hair! My first thought was, Oh how tragic. I am going to get an intracranial bleed and die and this will have been my last day on earth??!

My new schools schedule is crazy. It is like an intern year. Surgery (2 months) begins at 4:30 am and ends at 6:00 pm. That means I will be leaving my house at 3 am and getting home at 7:30. Kids go to bed at 7. I feel desperately sad about the hours I am facing... I feel so powerless. I feel like I am losing my babies.

My spirits were a little higher today. We only had a half day of BLS training and I actually had fun. It didn't feel as bizarre being away from them. I really haven't been away from them for more than an hour or two in over a year. When I get home, she is still around (obviously) playing with them and talking. Loud. I guess it will never be mommy and boy time anymore.

Monday starts Psych. I was told, "You will love psych. It is so relaxed. You only work from 8-6 so you get plenty of time to go home and read every night." He was serious.

I am going to have to let go of control of my home, my babies, what everyone eats, and when everyone sleeps. I feel like I have to hand my whole life over to the MIL for 5 years. I hope she does a good job with my life.

Wow, I thought psych was supposed to be easy! They keep us busy without stopping from 7-5. It is so hard to find a chance to pump at all!

I am really liking it though, I find it so interesting. I love rounding- I feel so privileged to be a part of the discussion with the attendings and residents. It is amazing how much patients open up to you when you have a white coat on. Strange- a whole new set of rules seem to apply. I have always loved talking with people about their issues- I kind of do it everywhere I go. So, I am really enjoying that aspect of it. I love my 75 year old sweet woman with severe MDD... and I love to steer clear of my borderline lady! Also, it is a strange, different culture amond doctors. I have been out of this weird world for so long that I forgot it. It feels strange to me to be so impersonal and formal with one another during rounds... there is a set hierarchy. So far, I think I am doing pretty well! I have always liked psych and I remember most of what I learned two years ago (med will be a different story). I think it helps that I am not terrified of making a mistake in front of an attending. I feel like my identity is REALLY not in my school performance anymore. I think that has freed me up to ask questions and join discussions more than I might otherwise.

I do OK until about 3:30 when I know the boys are waking up. Then, I get really sad. The 1 - 1.5 hour commute is HORRIFIC. But, there is no changing it now, so I will not let it get to me.

baby crying!!!

TBC

I am still in shock... pumping horror story:

So, today was psych didactics. I was warned that the psych director in charge was super wierd, eccentric, awkward, you know the type. I was excited to meet her. She was as expected- crazy dress with tags sticking out, tennis shoes, no make up - a mad professor type. Anyway, I had to pump. So, I let her know that I probably wouldn't be back from the 5 minute break on time and why. She offered her office which was great.

So, I went in and got settled. It was disgusting and dirty but better than a bathroom. Then, bra off and pumping away, I hear a knock. "I'm using this room" I say. I hear an "OK" and then relax. Next thing I know, someone is unlocking the door! I ask them to wait out side and give me a moment, but they keep coming. It was the psych doctor! I told her to give me a moment and she said, "that's ok, keep going." No, I informed her that it was not OK (as I was detaching boobs with milk dripping everywhere) and she STAYED in the room and started making a phone call! She told me to stay, she would just be a moment, but I told her I was uncomfortable. I finally got bra and shirt on and packed the stuff up and she tried to convince me that I could still use it, she wouldn't be back in. No, thanks.

I walked out with my mouth wide open and found a different place. WHAT?? How is she a psychiatrist? She has no judgment! I would say that her judgment was impaired if I were writing a note on her. The worst part is, I felt so interested and engaged before that happened and now I feel turned off to the whole field of psych. I was planning on going to all the didactics, even if they were not required, but I want to see her as little as possible. I left early and might get in trouble.

Was that sexual harassment or just disrespect? She is married with a kid... but it made me feel so embarrassed. I don't know. That was weird.

Anyway,

I know DS would act out in some way when I began leaving. Turns out, it is suddenly wanting to hurt the baby. Great. MIL told me the second day I was gone that she stopped him as he was about to hit baby in the head with a heavy book. He hit the baby in the head twice two different days when I had just come home and was holding him and then today tried to twist his arm hard and hurt it.

It makes me so sad. What I do, is get angry (can't help that) and give a loud, stern "no" then he gets a time out and has to say sorry. Am I reinforcing the behavior by giving attention? I ignore him while he is in time out though, and he has to have a consequence. I try talking with him about what he might be feeling as much as you can with a 2 year old. I ask if he feels angry when mommy holds the baby or if he feels sad that mommy has to go to school. He says yes. I always go to him first before even looking at the baby and spend a few minutes with him.

I want my life back. I want my ridiculous mother in law to leave. I couldn't do this without her though, that's for sure. She is making dinner every night and cleaning it up. She is doing our laundry and dishes. She is really being so helpful. I just resent that they are with her instead of me.

Can you tell I am a little bit busy? Haven't written in almost 4 months!
I have been sort of avoiding it because so much has happened emotionally and otherwise, how could I write anything that makes sense without staying up all night and writing a book? So, I will just start from where I am at this moment.

All those old feelings are still there, but they are no longer paralyzing. I miss my boys while I am gone, but I don't feel like I can't breath not knowing what they are doing anymore. I don't feel crushed with guilt. I worry about them a lot, but I am able to focus on what I am doing on the wards. I am beginning to trust her with them. She still drives me crazy when I get home. I still wish she would retreat and give me time by myself with them when I have free time, but I am beginning to see her as a part of the family. This would NOT be working without her.

That said, this is exhausting, but exhausting in a good way like after a full day of swimming and sun as a kid. I am on medicine right now with call Q4. I am only awake because I have apparently lost my circadian rhythm entirely. I slept 3 hours last night on call then came home and napped during baby nap time, now I am all strung out! I am doing ok, but just barely. I don't cry at work anymore. I would even go so far as to say I am enjoying myself most of the time! I was pretty starved for adult interaction and academic thought last year so I am kind of eating it up. I am not as behind as a thought I would be. I actually feel pretty good about how it has been going on the wards. Being intuitive and able to read people seems to be the most important thing you need this year!

I think everything got easier when I stopped breastfeeding a month ago. I got mastitis pretty bad and that was the last straw. My energy went back up, I wasn't constantly worried about finding the time and the place to pump.... I can just be there while I am there. I miss it a little but mainly in the early morning. I miss those cuddles. I still take him into bed with me though. He is so much more satisfied with a bottle too. I made it to 6 months and I am ok with that.

ps- last call all 3 of my new patients were penile issues. It cracked me up! What are the chances? The first one, I was totally awkward, but by 4 am I was examining balls like they were ear lobes. Good times.

Impossible to attempt to sum up what has happened since I last posted.

In fact, I had decided that it was a waste of time. Then, I began to crave an anonymous place where I could vent my frustrations and organize my thoughts without judgement or repercussions on my relationships.

I have given up the idea of talking *anything* through with my husband. Unless it is something positive. He simply cannot respond to negativity or confusion in any other way than to feel threatened. I have given up on creating a sane, amicable relationship with my mother in law. She is. She is a necessity in my life because I can't afford a nanny. She will never like me. She will always wish I was out of the picture and it was just her, my husband, and our boys. Her IQ hovers around the low 70's.

(This girl is mean, you are thinking) But I need a place to be mean!! I have a plate of pressure served to me most days with no sides of Grace or Fun. God, I could use some fun.

Anyway, maybe this will help.

Third year is over!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yay. Fourth year has begun, and I am at the end of a self-imposed 2 month fallow period. I used all my vacation time and foux-electives right at the beginning because I had to. We just moved out of that little tiny box of an apartment into an amazing, beautiful, feels-so-huge house!!! It has lifted my mood more than any pill could have. Before we moved, our 18 month old was still in our bedroom (His bedroom). MIL was always in the living/dining room so we literally were never alone to talk (or whatever). Now, everyone has their own room, and we have a yard! And neighbors that brought brownies! Seriously?

Guilt update: It has subsided considerably. I am 88% sure that I am making a good decision. That am doing this for all of us. That they don't need ME to be the one to serve them ravioli and press play on the Cars movie. Also, I can't handle being with my wild men all day and night. I still wish there was some middle road to meet on, but oh well.

MIL update: She is the single most difficult part of my life. Some highlights from this year. "Medical school is no excuse for falling behind on laundry if you are a mother." "You should take care of your husband when he gets home from a hard day of work, I feel so bad for him." (Wait, didn't I get home from doing the same thing??) "I guess everyone has different values, but I never liked to raise my children in a pig-stye." (I have a housekeeper come every two weeks, how bad can it be??) Literally EVERYTHING I do for the boys/home is wrong, from haircuts to couches. It is exhausting. My husband who prides himself on never arguing will never intervene.

(What a whiner this girl is, get over it!)

School update: I am doing peds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hooray, it is the only thing I liked last year. I should say LOVED last year. The hours flew by while I was away for the first time ever. The work just felt so IMPORTANT. I mean, these are babies for crying out loud. I love the well babies and the hospital cases, I love the variety. I love working with neurotic mommas (aka people like me!) I can't wait to start my AI in 3 weeks. The only problem is that I remember nothing from last november. And I just can't bring myself to read during my staycation.

I think what I should ponder with this time off is my relationship with my man. Why am I so resentful of him? I can pinpoint when it started: the birth of our first child. He went from this perfect Grecian God that I revered to a stonlike man selfish and cold. What happened? It floors me that when I cry out for support if I am sad or hurt, he shuts himself off and leaves. I can't get over it. Things I would never tell a soul: He sexually needy, but needy in NO other way. He is simple minded. He has NO empathy. He has no backbone.
This is how I feel today. Please, let that change. I want to love him again. I want to respect him and feel connected. But I don't know how.

My boys: they are perfect, hilarious, wild, and free as weeds!

So here I am today. Excited about Pediatrics, loving how my boys are growing up, hating every encounter with my mil, and sick about my feelings toward DH.

I am not a negative person in real life. I feel rather guilty about it here. The reader won't like me! But oh well. I need express things even if they aren't perfect. so there you have it.

I keep thinking that at some point, life will sloooow down. As soon as I will my way through one struggle, a new one comes. One heavy decision made is answered with a new question. I think this is just life so I need to slow myself down if I am to experience it at all.

Anyway.

Turns out that I am pregnant again! I just found out last night that it is a girl. A girl! Ballet slippers! Pink! No more Thomas the Train! She will be the fluffiest little puff until she can start to voice her own opinions-age 18 months if she is going to be like her brothers

My emotions have evolved from ecstatic->horror/dread->depression
->acceptance->excitement->planning. I must say that I am the most fertile woman on earth. I got pregnant on day 28. Day 28! I thought I knew how the cycle works... guess not. So, I will be due literally the day intern orientation starts. Taking time off is NOT an option financially so here we go!

In other news, my husband and I started going to counseling which is a good thing. I feel like it has helped a lot. There is still a lot of work that needs to be done there though. But, I know that what these babies (and myself!) need most is for the two of us to be stable and happy. I can't put it on hold.

I am ripping my brain into shreds trying to decide how to rank programs next year! I just posted hoping for some advice. I could use any I can get. I absolutely do not know what to do. My husband (and just about everyone I talk with) thinks I am crazy to consider ranking a community program when I know well the fabulous, huge, academic program affiliated with my school. But other things matter besides didactics! The smaller program has a fabulous 9am-4pm preschool nearby. I could stop losing sleep over the hours of time my boys spend watching the wiggles. It has slightly better hours and slightly less intense rotations. Housing and commute would be better. But, would I come out less well trained? Would I endanger a future patient? Miss something rare and hurt a baby? Obviously, that would not be worth it.

Also, I am on peds neuro ICU rotation right now. I have never been so depressed by what I have seen in the hospital. I wish I could describe the cases as an outlet but that would probably be unethical. Suffice it to say that all of my patients were previously prefect, healthy kids who are now basically vegetables because of freak accidents/missed diagnoses. It is horrible. The first day I just came home and cried and cried. Once sweet baby looks so much like mine. Their families are so dedicated, so groundlessly hopeful. Wish I could describe it more. How do people handle doing neuro? No one gets better. Consulting neuro is like consulting the grim reaper. This will be a long month. I am, more than ever, quietly, cautiously, thankful for my healthy boys and my new little 16 week girl that I can't even feel yet. Life is desperately unfair. I think I will go and eat more ice cream now.

Feeling like a crummy momma.

This week was my boys' 2nd and 4th birthdays. I arranged to have it off so that I could celebrate and not miss a thing. Well.

I knew we could bring in cupcakes to preschool to celebrate my son's 4th. So, I'm feeling good- I have the day off! I actually get to go and have a special day and feel like a mom. I brought in a dozen funfetti cupcakes. To my horror, when I walked in I realized there were 15 kids! So, the teachers graciously cut them in half saying "oh, these are so big, we need to split them!" The kids weren't buying it. I want more! Where is the rest?! I'm hungry! My mommy brought 4 different kinds on my birthday! Then started in, Where are the goody bags? Where are the hats? Where are the horns? Seriously???? Could someone throw me a flippin bone or at least an email to let me know what all the other kids' moms have done all year?? I had no idea I was supposed to provide a full blown party for 15 preschoolers. I asked another mom later how she knew to bring so many things, and she said "well, I always pick her up, of course, and I see what everyone else has been doing." Absent mom here didn't know. It was a painful 10 minutes- felt like I was getting pimped, and missing all the questions on rounds only worse. More personal.

Luckily, my fabulously oblivious son didn't care AT ALL. He was just ticked off that we kept saying happy birthday a day early. It is NOT my birthday! Why does everyone keep forgetting that it is not until tomorrow?? Ha. He wouldn't even wear his special hat (which the teachers had to make since I didn't bring one from home!) I love him.

I think I had always imagined that I would the fun mom with the perfect cupcakes, the MOST SPECIAL birthdays every time, my kids would stand out! Hahahaha- every day I see more clearly how far from that perfect mom I am. And you know what? That's ok.

There will always be someone richer, prettier, skinnier, and making homemade bread! But, hey, my kids are growing up fine and we love each other. It is not about the best cupcakes, but the fact you tried with sincerity.Early on, in my attempt to be super mom, I spent $70 worth of felt and over 2 months, while in residency, to sew a Mutant Ninga Turtle costume. Yeah, it was used and they liked it. Next year I was at a conference and my husband took them to some store and they picked out costumes that doubled as pajamas. My son wore that Batman pajamas/Halloween outfit till it wore out.....

They are happy when you are happy. It can be a book at bed time cuddled up next to them, or read over the phone from the call room. You love them and they know it.....

Where (if?) I will be has already been decided, but I won't know for another week. Oh, boy. I surprised myself by choosing to rank the busy, stressful, academic program first. I didn't think I would do that. I think it was for two reasons. First, if I chose a different program, we would have to move. Normally, no big deal. But, I would be moving with a 3 week old. Am I totally insane? It just seemed impossible. I can hardly string together sentences at 3 weeks post partum much less organize a move with a 4yo, 2 yo and newborn to care for! Also, we have a good preschool here, live in a good neighborhood, have some nice friends. Why rock the boat even more than it will be when mommy disappears for 3 years? The other reason is that I don't want to close any doors. I am 99.9% sure that I want to stick with primary care, but I do also like peds rheumatology... you don't get a lot of exposure to that in a community hospital. Oh, but now if I don't get it I will be so disappointed! I paid for next years preschool deposit (and now have no savings), finally finished unpacking here, even planted some flowers. Come on March 17th....!

I worry about starting internship with maternity leave. First, I am worried about missing those critical months of July and August. You learn so much in such a short time, I will be waaay behind and look like an idiot! Also, I worry that it will be hard for me socially. I already have the fact that I have kids making me different, now I will miss all those bonding events and retreats. Feelings of being an outsider, here I come. It has been hard being the transfer but I thought that in residency it would be very different. Hmmm. I've found it hard to know how to be a girlfriend now that I am a mom and a wife. You can't be available all the time. You can't go out whenever it sounds fun. I always want to rush home after classes or shifts which doesn't lend itself to forming deep relationships. I have reconnected with good friends from church. I hope I can keep that up as an intern!

Well, I feel sheepish.

Then relieved, then angry, then embarrassed, then.... a million other things this last month.

So, there I was on match day- so sure of where I would be next year, sure of what that envelope would say. When I opened it, I could not believe it said:
"congrats on match at *your second choice*"
Wah, wah poor me- I know. But this means so many things. My family has to move, we have to move away from our friends, our neighborhood... into a foreign (ok its 20 miles away, but it is another world) place. We have to pay for moving and my loan money is running out. We have to move with a new baby.

So, in that moment, I didn't cry (for once), but I had this bizarre feeling like everyone in the room was watching me. Of course they weren't, but it was an odd moment to be in such a public place receiving such private information tied up so tightly with ego and family and failure. I smiled and said "yay!"

It probably isn't the move. It probably isn't the fact that I put a $1400 non refundable deposit on the preschool here that is now a donation. It probably isn't that I now have to take out a relocation loan on top of my other 400,000 in loans that I am graduating with and freaking out about.

It is my ego that is hurting. Let's just be honest: things have worked out for me. So far, no matter how difficult or far fetched a thing has seemed, I feel like I can get it, can make it happen. I didn't realize that I really felt that way about the world, but I see now that I did. It was like a kick in the stomach to see the other people in my class that did match at the program I ranked first. There was no hiding the fact that I was ranked below them. Yes, they have masters or phds, yes, they did tons of research and extra curriculars... but I birthed two children and still did well academically in med school damn it! Isn't that harder? Guess not. The thing is, I feel like they led me on. All the residents went out of their way to let me know that they liked me, they couldn't wait to work with me, bla bla bla. They incoming chief emailed me saying that she hoped I would rank them first and be her intern. I felt like my AI went great there. Whatever!

This is good for me, I know. It is good for my worldview: Grow Up. You don't always get whatever you want. You are not in control. You are not the best or most qualified.

Now what?

Maybe, this will make me a better learner. I feel like a freer learner already. I am in peds ER this month and I have lost the need to prove my knowledge during a workday. Instead, I feel like a sponge soaking up teaching and experience. I am finally learning to do a decent PE! Talk about doing things backwards.

I know that this program is best for me. I felt more "at home" there, the area truly is better for families, the drive will be much more bearable. The program director is a woman, and a parent, and a nice person (all 3 untrue of other PD!) I like the hospital much better and like the patient population much better. The residents are happy, rather than miserable.... all good things.

Now that a month has passed, I am excited and happy to be at this program, but my sense of self has changed. I feel a little more timid, a little less cowgirl. I thought I was a pretty humble person (what an incredibly non-humble thought!) But maybe this is how it actually comes to be that a person becomes humble- through painful, humbling experiences.

I expect intern year will be another crash course in humility! Here we go.

In other news, I am HUGE. 30 weeks tomorrow, yay! And, I have never felt so old and creaky before. I hurt SO bad everywhere. I tried complaining to my mom bc you get no sympathy from an obgyn husband (are you contracting? bleeding? bad headache? You're fine.) and she tactfully informed me that I am no spring chicken this time around. Really mom? 27 is AMA to you? Ugh. She's kinda right though, I feel about 207 years old today. I'm going to go roll myself onto my left side and snore like a beached manatee and proceed to wake q2 hours with leg cramps.

And to end this long post on a happy note: I get to go to my son't field trip tomorrow! Woo hoo! He is super excited. And, a working momma in the class was freaking out bc something came up and she can't go, so I am swinging by to take her daughter with us. Makes me feel good to be able to help her out. Can't wait for a fun day.