This relationship is driving me insane.

I love this man sooo very much and yet I am starting to think that the best thing for us is to be apart. We're complete opposites, and his personality gets on my nerves, and mine gets on his nerves...what are we to do?!

We've been together for over 3 years and had some AMAZING moments in which I've been convinved that he is the person I am meant to spend the rest of my life with...

and I would be convinved of that, if it weren't for his personality! He is SO negative. He gets upset over the tiniest little things all the time. THAT upsets me. I can't stand negative people. I'm the polar opposite. Cheerful almost ALWAYS. He brings me down. I can't stand it. He's makes it seem like if depression were a perfectly normal part of life,....and I disagree. I think depression is unhealthy...

I can't see myself ending this relationship. It pains me so much to even consider it. It's so ridiculous! I love him, yet I'm gonna break it off with him? What am I, crazy? WHO DOES THAT!

I believe in sticking by your man, through thick and thin, for better or for worse...and so I've stood by him this long. But at what cost I ask myself...at the cost of my happiness? Am I to spend every day of my life by someone with such a negative way of being? What would be the point in that? The bad would outweigh the good....

So what's life about anyways? Making yourself happy, or making the ones you love happy? I feel committed to this already, I've expressed that to him, aren't I obliged to follow through and be there for him, loving him, no matter the sacrifice it takes...no matter what's at stake, what the cost may be....

Or should I take back my words of unconditional love, and think of me and my happiness? WHAT? Am I selling out? What ever happened to my soul? Do I not realize that I'm talking about the one I love here...not just anyone...would I really put myself before them, would I really think of my needs before his? Then how can I say I love him? Were I referring to my child I'd be deamed an unfit mother, but I refer to my man...and people think I'm doing what's right, thinking of me first is what's right, according to them, in regards to my man...no wonder the divorce rate is so high! We're all so selfish! We don't know how to love unconditionally...we don't even bother to try at times. I know I'm trying. But it's so hard. So hard to think that I could be miserable for the greater part of my days beside this person because of our incompatibility, which I am very aware of..... and yet I refuse to let it come between me and my love, my unconditional love, for him....atleast, I'd like to think so, I'd like to think that I won't let it come between us....or do I? Should I let it come between us? Is it justifiable?

Is love not enough? Is compatibility that important?

Is loving him above me what's right? Or is loving me above him what's right? If I thought the former, then I'd stick by his side loving him...and I would probably become a very miserable person, for I am so unhappy in this relationship right now. But if I beleived the latter, I would be free from that misery, and yet would I ever know what it is to love? Would I ever give my heart completely? Would it ever be justified to put someone else before me? Would I be selfish? Would I be worthy of love? Who would want to love someone so selfish?

Either way, it's a terrible outcome. I either get brought down by negativity to prove my unconditional love, or I am a self-absorbed bitch who thinks of only herself, left to feel the pain of love-lost due to her own selfishness. I can't seem to escape the punishment!

I had such a good time on the 4th! I've discovered that I live only 30 minutes from Daytona Beach and I LOVE IT! I saw the shuttle go up on the 4th from the coast, which was WAY cool. (Daytona Beach is like an hour north of the Kennedy Space Center.) We also saw fireworks on the beach that night...SO COOL! And I bought a bodyboard and am starting to think I want to take surfing lessons. Life has been so relaxing these past few days. :-) Compared to the stress of school, it's just unbelievable how worked up I get over grades and what not...I feel like I'm living a completely different life right now.

Boyfriend and I are good. He left for Virginia at 4:30 am for some kind of officer training for the marines... I miss him. :-( I know I complain about him like crazy, but I love him to death. On that note, I have to mention that I have realized that when I'm relaxed, as I've been this past week, I'm much more "into" him, and much more tolerant of things than I am when I'm going to school. I'm starting to think school turns me into some kind of monster who cares about nothing else but getting A's. I become so much more irritable and intolerant of him...not a good thing. Not a good thing at all.

This week has been so cool, so great and so relaxing, that I am starting to give a lot more importance to how many hours a week I wanna work...not that many. Work sucks--why do we have to work so hard? Can't we just go on vacation forever? :-) (daydreaming)

I had been trying to figure out what specialty interested me. I concluded screw surgery of any kind. I don't want that kind of stress. Screw derm and rads and gas, I don't want the kind of stress it takes to be so competitive. For the same reason of not wanting stress, screw EM. I'm sticking to peds it's been my calling from the beginning and I'm 85% sure that will not change. Everyone advices me not to worry about it, but it's me, I can't help but feel the need to figure out my specialty of interest. I need that sense of direction.

Baby's 2 years old now! Man how time goes by so quickly! She had a great time at her party, we just let all the kids play with the toys....


Well...battery is running low so I've got to go!

Later!

Wow, I haven't been here in a WHILE. Since July last year, I think. Well, here's what happened. The Israeli/Lebanese (last summer) conflict set me on fire, and I totally dropped Biology and switched to Political Science. After a semester of that I got jaded, and I switched to Spanish. So, now I'm a Spanish major. No longer pre-med. I've been at UCF for 2 semesters now, and I should be graduating next May. I've decided to become either a Spanish teacher or a Spanish interpreter/translator. I don't love it though, I just like it. I miss the idea of becoming a doctor. A huge thing happened to me, however. I had a conversion, I went from being atheist to being Catholic. Quite orthodox, for that matter. So...now I want a REALLY big family, because I don't plan on using contraception. :-) I will use Natural Family Planning if I'm broke, lol, but for the most part, I think I'll have a big family. This makes medicine seem like an impossibility. But I'm still so attracted to it, so I was starting to really think about becoming a Physicians Assistant. I know for sure I'm gonna finish my Spanish degree, then get a job so I can provide for the child I already have, and then maybe think about further schooling. I just signed on here to share my thoughts. I've been really depressed lately, I guess the boyfriend got to me. We've been having a hard time, but, I think things are working themselves out. I personally have been having one hell of a time, because I still can't seem to take care of myself, not to mention my daughter, and she's almost 3. I need to learn how to cook and clean once and for all!!!

Anyways, point is, PA is on the back of my mind.

Boyfriend and I have made it past our 4 year anniversary. :-) He's really wonderful...even though he stresses me out beyond belief sometimes.

~Julie

PS How time flies! I'm now a 22 year old, the mother of an almost 3 year old. One more year till graduation from undergraduate!!!

Yup life sucks.

I'm stuck in this track of graduating in one year from a Spanish BA. I like it, but I certainly don't love it. I'm 22 with a baby and I still live with my mother, she's paying for everything, so I'm dieing to graduate so I can take this burden off her. My boyfriend has his plans to go to med school, but that won't be happening any time soon. He's just like me, a student, still broke, still living with his parents.

I don't know what to do. I've been considering PA school, but that requires paid patient contact experience, which I don't have any, and it will take time to get, so I figure if it's gonna take me 1 year to get experience plus 2 years of PA school if I get in, I might as well go to med school. Problem is there's a PA school here where I live, but there's no med school currently (they're building a new one). I don't want to have to move. I wouldn't be able to afford it, for one, and I don't want to take the baby far from her dad. UGH.

What am I supposed to DO????

Life sucks.

~Julie

I hope noone is wasteing their time reading this one because I'm totally just useing it to vent!

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :guilty:

Mainly, being away from SO. We've already been apart 2 years due to school in the past...Is it worth it?
Sigh......... :boggled:

I have been so depressed lately...and I don't really think I've ever been THIS depressed before, with the exception of the time that my boyfriend broke up with me and I had to move back home...but that depression only lasted a couple of weeks, because we got back together soon thereafter.

Due to so many problems with my relationship, I've been "unhappy" throughout a good portion of it. But what I mean by that is "not happy", and not necessarily "sad". I think the better word is I've felt "unsatisfied" with the relationship. But recently, I've felt something different. A pervasive sadness, a heart sunken feeling...due to the relationship in part, and due to other problems in my life as well...and all though my "side effects" have always been problems for me... (excessive sleep, loss of appetite, trouble concentrating, feeling unhappy, lack of energy)...they've never been accompanied with such an intense feeling of sadness.

Granted, now that I'm typing this things have been getting a bit better. But it really sucks to be feeling depressed! And I hate how it affects my schoolwork, and my personal upkeep, for that matter.

So....focus, Julie. Med school. This summer I'm taking Physics 2053, amongst another 3 classes that I need for my major (2 4000 level courses, 1 1000 level course). So far, Physics is good...it actually seems very easy, I'm a bit surprised. But that's a great surprise! I hope it continues like this.

I'm trying to keep up with volunteering, but haven't gotten that in order yet.

My boyfriend has accepted, and actually encouraged, my med school goals, despite the fact that he's aware of the distance it could cause, so I'm very grateful for that.

I'm so decided on where I want to live geographically (due to whether) that I have my fingers crossed I can make it into one of the schools in central to south Florida. I won't be applying anytime soon (not for another year) but I've got my eyes set on UCF, USF, LECOM-Brandenton, NSUCOM, UM, and I think FIU is opening a med school. I don't know enough about Osteopathic medicine to say that I prefer it, but I know enough to say that I feel it's just as good as Allopathic, so I don't have any issues becoming a DO. I love the idea of being able to use my hands more, so OMT really appeals to me. I think I would like to learn this even if I attend an Allopathic school. But the bigger factor on which school I go to will be location. If I get accepted at UCF, I am SO staying her ein my hometown. If I get accepted at LECOM-Brandenton and FSU (which I would of course apply there, despite the fact that it's north of me), I would most likely choose LECOM-Brandenton because it's SOUTH of me! You might think I'm being very superficial, thinking of weather as such an important part of my decision, but I was born and raised in Orlando, Florida, and frankly it's TOO COLD here for me in the winter. I am a miserable person in the cold. lol So the further south, THE BETTER.

I'm having issues with my personality...I'm a convert to Christianity (Catholicism), and I'm not used to "behaving". But my convictions tell me it's the right thing to do...so I'm trying. Yet, I'm torn between this new "devout, orthodox, Catholic" side of me and the old and familiar "freak, devil in a red dress, naughty" side of me....it's really driving me crazy. I know most Christians struggle with their imperfections, but the extremes in me are so big that I feel like I'm two different people in one body!

AHHHH!!!!

OKay, those are my thoughts for now....adios!

Everything is going well, except that I'm SO exhausted. I'm pretty happy with my decision to become premed again, because truthfully, I can't imagine my self doing ANYTHING else other than being a doctor. I don't care if it's MD, DO or carribean. I don't care if I have to apply once, thrice, or 7 times. It's the only thing I REALLY want to do.

Physics is hard girls! I'm taking too many credits over the summer so there's not enough time to study for physics, and it's killing me.

I'm sooo inlove with my baby girl, she's so smart and beautiful. But I could never be a stay at home mom! She would drive me insane.

I need to get some sleep....nighty night!

Well, Physics sucks.

lol

So yeah, as much as I wish I could take the MCAT next Spring, it's not gonna happen. I've been stressing over all of this a lot lately - the usual, getting good grades, volunteering and starting the application process for medical school. I really want to get it over with! I don't have the patience I need right now...I feel like I'm rushing myself. MUST SLOW DOWN. I need to tell myself: it's okay that I won't be done with the pre-reqs in Spring, it's okay that I can't take the MCAT until August 2008, it's okay if I feel that's too late to take it for that cycle and I can postpone my application until the following cycle and it's also okay if I don't postpone it. I can't rush myself because that's unecessary additional stress.

This entry was just to tell myself those things, lol.

One step at a time, Hermione, one step at a time.

Okay, so I've accepted that I can't rush myself. That being said, here is my plan:

I'm a Spanish major, and I'll most likely graduate Summer 2008. I'll only include pre-med stuff here:


I've already taken CHM I, BSC I and II.

Summer 2007:
PHY I
Volunteering

Fall 2007:
PHY I
CHM II
Volunteering

Spring 2008:
O-Chem I
Genetics (maybe?)
Studying for MCAT

Summer 2008
O-Chem II
Graduation (I predict that my overall GPA will be about 3.3 and my science GPA about 3.5)

MCAT prep course
Start application

August 2008:
Take MCAT

Hopefully, I get accepted SOMEWHERE for Fall 2009.

I'm a bit afraid that taking the MCAT in August is too late for that application cycle...hopefully not.

I had a great weekend...Saturday I hung out with my boyfriend and baby and we went shopping, and later that night grandma babysat and we went out for a drink. Today I had family in from out of town, cousins, with two young boys who I love because they're so cute and smart (the oldest is the only 6th grader I can see myself hanging out with! lol), and we went swimming - the whole family, my mom and her cousin, with her husband, their two kids, my daughter and myself...and I loved it! But we had to get out of the pool because it started to thunder. The point here is that I basically did no homework. I intended on studying all weekend, and ended up not doing it at all.

Why? Because the one thing I'm afraid of is having to study 24-7. I don't mind working hard all week, and having to put in a couple of hours in on the weekend too...but I don't want my whole weekend consumed with homework. This allows me no time to enjoy my life...and as much as I REALLY want to be a doctor...I don't want to forget to live my life. So, this is my test to myself...can I get into med school without studying from 9 am to 9 pm on Saturday and Sunday every weekend of the month? If yes, then great! If not, I'm forced to reconsider. I'm very willing to make sacrifices, but I need to remember to maintain balance in life and that we only have one life to live. Just one. One opportunity to get the best out of this world. I want to be a doctor- I want to serve others, my religious views, my political views, and my upbringing all make me feel inclined to serve, and to sacrifice...but everything in moderation.