I've been a lurker on these boards for a long time. I can relate so much to many members of this community. I've often felt like I wanted to post, but I just didn't know where to start. I have a story I would like to share and many insights/ideas on the whole med school, women in meds, motherhood, choices ... and all of those topics that keep us up at night.

I've decided to start this diary to introduce myself and to have a platform to voice my thoughts. Maybe this can be of help to others, just like MomMD was a help to me.

So let me tell you a bit more about myself. I'm 27 years old. I did my B.A. in Sociology at a small (a little over 2000 students), undergraduate university, considered to be one of the best in the country. I started off my first year in science at a different university. I wasn't really sure what I would major in but I figured biology because I wasn't that fond of chemistry or physics. Well, every single person in the science program wanted to go to medical school :rolleyes:

At the time I really wasn't sure that medicine was what I wanted to do. I thought I might prefer something more "chill". Plus, while I thought I was pretty intelligent, I wasn't THAT hardworking. I mean, I worked hard and always had As and A pluses, but I didn't have to study TOO much for them. I was no keener-geek like those other premed people. I wasn't sure that I had it in me to go through the grueling med-school process. So I was really just going to take things one step at a time.

I really hated my first year. I thought the classes were really dry and dull. I didn't feel like I was learning anything worthwhile. I was 17 and wanted to learn about the world, not about electrons and Newtonian mechanics. I absolutely hated labs. I thought (still do) they were the biggest waste of time. And boy did they every take up a lot of time! We could be in that lab for 5 or 6 hours doing what I thought was crap. Who cares when the stupid solution turned pink?

Then there was the issue of colleagues. Most of the students in science were either uber-geeks, ie. the kind that sit in the front row and raise their hands all the time, super-science keeners, ie. people who are genuinely interested in Science, and med-school wannabes. The topic of med-school wannabes is a whole other can of worms to which I will surely devote a whole entry.

I didn't really fit in with any of those people. I wasn't exactly a med-school wannabe. And even on the days when I felt that I did want to go to med school, I was turned off by the prospect of becoming one of those med-school wannabes I pitied so much. Then there was of course the obvious fact that I didn't like any of the classes I was taking. My grades first semester were not bad (although I thought they were at the time). My GPA was about 3.2. Second semester, I decided I REALLY hated the program and only opened my Calculus text book the night of the exam, thereby getting a D. My cumulative GPA for the year ended up at 2.8.

In second year, I transfered to the small university I mentioned in the opening paragraph. I decided I would not declare a major in 2nd year, but I did switch to Arts. However, I continued to take the prereqs for meds, just in case. I had organic chem and biochem, as well as a sampling of all kinds of other courses: anthropology, business, religious studies, spanish, psychology ...

Things started looking up. I really enjoyed my social science classes. They were so big-picture, exactly what I was looking for. I had such a thirst for exactly that kind of knowledge, world knowledge, and never knew that there were several disciplines and many classes that would quench that thirst.

I also started meeting some really cool, interesting, open-minded, well-rounded and diverse people. We had lots to talk about and I made some life-long friends of many of the students that I met in these classes.

I never completely gave up on the idea of medical school, although I new that the traditional route was not for me.

I loved Sociology and excelled in the program. I was the top student in the department and was encouraged by my professors to go into research, to do an Honours degree, to go right for a Master's. But I had other plans.

I really enjoyed my undergraduate experience. I was learning a lot, working hard and partying harder Before I had even graduated, I was offered a permanent government position. I wasn't too enthusiastic about working for the government at that point in my life, but I did take the job. It was a sociology related, public service type of job, so that was great. Unfortunately though, it was in a really small city and life was just too slow for me. I was so bored. There was hardly any work to be done. It was the stereotypical government job. You get paid to do very little. I had never been so bored or felt so useless in my life. After three months, I resigned and move to a big, wonderful city, where I still live today.

Upon arriving in the city, I took a job as an ESL teacher, for adults. I LOVED teaching. To me, it did not feel like work AT ALL. Up until this day, it was the only job that I've had that really did not feel like work. One of my friends who was doing the same thing hated the work. She was always trying to get me to sub for her. For me, getting up in front of a class was a performance which I really enjoyed :yes: Preparing the material was effortless. My students loved me and my bosses were very pleased. I always got great evaluations.

In the meantime, I applied for an overseas government internship. In Canada, this is something akin to the Peace Corps. Every since I was in college, I wanted to travel and work in development overseas. I got a position and a year after moving to The City, I was shipped off to the Middle East. This was truly a life changing experience. This is another topic to which I will later devote a whole entry. I worked for the Red Cross and boy did that change my perspective of medicine and helping people!

I lived and travelled in the Middle East for a year and followed that by some travelling in South East Asia. I came back to The City a completely different person.

My job for the following year was as a Research Assistant at a hospital. Interesting work but not overly stimulating, nice flexible hours, like-minded colleagues. I was responsible for interviewing and recruiting patients, following-up throughout the study and preparing the forms, documents and materials for the research.

After my stay overseas, I had decided that I would like to continue to work in health or social services, possibly doing development work. This is actually a pretty competitive field. Despite the often harsh conditions, heart-breaking realities, crazy hours and VERY LOW PAY, the job satisfaction, the enormous learning opportunities and the "nobility" of such work draw a lot of people to these areas. I knew I would need a Master's degree, something with a significant administrative component, in order to access some of these jobs.

So while working at the hospital, I applied for a Master's in Health and Social Services Administration. I got in. So a year after working at the hospital, I started my Master's degree.

The weird thing is that while I was following this career path, I was still entertaining thoughts about medicine. But I just always felt that there were all these other interests that I wanted to pursue first before I jumped into the black hole that is medicine And because I was never sure about meds, I thought I should continue to pursue these other interests and I would eventually know for sure whether to stay on my current career-path or to embark on the medicine journey.

I finished my Master's Degree in exactly two years. Four months before finishing, I was offered a job at a nearby hospital.

The job was really perfect for me. It was a junior management position in a research department. This was great because it was enough responsibility to be interesting and allow me to learn, but not too big that I would be overwhelmed. The fact that it was in a research department was great because I have already worked in this area, and knew what it was all about.

Also, the job was very varied as far as management. It wasn't just in finance or just HR, but a mix of everything. In fact, I am the only manager/administrator in the department, so I do pretty much everything and I supervise a team of 4 administrative assistants.

Another perk is that the hospital is a 12 minute walk from where I live! The job is 9 to 5, but I can often leave a bit earlier.

The transition from having been a student all my life to having a real, full-time job was hard at first. I felt like I had too much free time. Plus the skills required for the job were so different than those required for a student. It's just so much more "applied". There's also a lot more politics and strategy, and less "intellectual" work. Having always considered myself an intellectual, I found it very different to not be in the Ivory Tower, and have to call upon other skills.

The big surprise is that I found out that I'm really good at this kind of work. And I really enjoy it. The two people that held this position before me both had nervous breakdowns and burned out. The place was an absolute mess when I came here. But, I'm finding that for me, the job is not stressful. I'm doing well, and I've cleaned-up most of the mess, hired new people and things are going well. It's really the perfect job for me right now.

Mind you, I do feel overqualified for the work. I feel like I have so much more "intellectual potential" that is not being tapped into. But I think that I can find ways around that, plus, for my first real job ever, I think I got pretty darn lucky.

But then what about medicine??

It was something that I had contemplated for a long time. So during my first year at this job (last year), I decided that I should apply to medical school. I had accomplished everything that I wanted to basically "get out of the way" before medicine, and it was now or never.

So I applied. I really had no idea what to expect. I felt that I had a good profile, decent marks, diverse experiences...

I got an interview which went really well. In May of 2005, I got my acceptance letter to my top choice school. This was the same school in which I did my Master's. Again, it was really perfect because it was only a 10 minute bus-ride from my house, tuition was affordable and this school was one of the best in several areas.

I really felt that it was miracle! Something, I had been thinking about for so long. I had paid my dues by working hard and keeping my eye on the goal, but now that I was in, all my apprehensions set in big time.

Over the summer I had to really think about whether I would go for medical school or not. I always knew that there were pros and cons for medicine. The cons were the reasons I had waited this long to apply, and why I wanted to do other things first. Even while applying, I was hesitant. I just felt so indecisive about the whole thing, but I told myself that because the process of getting into med school was so competitive, there's no point getting all stressed about whether I wanted the life of a doctor or not until I actually got in.

Well I did get in. So now what?? I had an important and life changing decision to make.

I was so excited when I got my acceptance letter! I finally felt like all my effort and hard work paid off. I felt like finally everything in my life had fallen into place.

But with this satisfaction came a growing apprehension: what if I am making the wrong choice? After all, I was content in my life. I enjoyed my job, I had great potential in my field, I loved my free time which I spent doing things that I could never find time for as a student. I was reading lots of books, taking guitar lessons, playing sports and just spending time on myself and enjoying a regular, adult life.

I had to decide whether to quit my job and start medical school by the end of the summer. I had about 3 months. I started to consult with colleagues, friends and family and got very mixed reviews. I kind of expected that and everyone just said, "well think hard about it" and "you have a big decision to make". Like thanks for pointing out the obvious.

My mother was really on the fence. She could think of a million reasons to justify either decision. My dad, on the other hand, thought the idea of medical school to be foolish. He said I already have a nice life, a nice career and he was happy that I seemed content and relaxed, and that I was spending a lot of time on leisure.

A lot of people were really "wowed" that I got into med school. They were impressed and thought that they could expect no less from me, but when I argued for the side of not going into med school, they thought that it made perfect sense and sounded logical.

The crux of the problem is that I can think of a million reasons why going to medical school would be a bad idea for me. There is really only one reason why I should go to medical school: because I want to and because I've wanted to for a long time.

I started to try to analyze that desire. What if I'm just a victim of the medical establishment's clever marketing scheme? Medicine is such an idealized field in our society and there is always this idea that if you're smart and a good student, then you should be a doctor.

The other part of that scheme is that medicine is presented as a field that provides the kind of fulfillment which is unparalleled in other fields. That's definitely one ideal that I know I'm a victim of! I often feel unfulfilled and I always think that if I were to go to medical school, I would finally find myself. I would be complete. My whole life would finally have meaning.

The thing that really got to me was the fact that there were several *good* reasons why I should not go to medical school and only one reason why I should: that I want to.

I know I'm so painfully idealistic and that really scares me. And I know medicine is the ultimate honeypot to the idealistic bees of the world. I think I am idealistic to a fault and therefore never satisfied. I have great hopes that by becoming a physician, I would finally find *The Thing* that will make me happy, that will fulfill me. My feeling is that by being a doctor, I will finally have that feeling of serenity, of wholeness, of basically being what I was meant to be. I’m one of those people who can sooo relate to the statement that “Medicine Is a Calling”. It’s been calling me my whole life, and in fact, I’ve tried my damndest to resist it. I’ve gone out of my way to do anything *but* medicine (see previous posts). I’ve tried all kinds of medicine-related activities, and I have chosen my current career in health administration. I feel like I’ve been trying to shut-up that little voice in my head saying “Medicine! Medicine! Medicine!”. I know this will sound completely weird to all you physicians on this board, because it sounds weird even to me and I hate to admit it because it’s depressing, but not only do I have this profound belief that I am meant to be a doctor, in fact, in a very odd and inexplicable way, I feel like I already am one. I just have to go DO what I already AM and stop denying it.

My greatest fear is this: what if I go through medical school and my idealism is shattered beyond repair? What if I find out that I was wrong? That I am not fulfilled, that I am not serene, or whole or satisfied. That on top of this I am tired all the time, I have no time for my loved ones, I never see my children awake and have to pump my breasts for milk in a bathroom stall. Worse yet, all of a sudden, not only am I unhappy, but I am middle-aged, bitter, alone and childless. What would be the point of life then??

I started thinking about how medicine and being a doctor is so idealized in our society and how this ideal is most likely a sham. The medical profession is nothing like the idea in a premed's head, or in the mind of the average person, never mind how it's portrayed in the media. I of all people know that. I am already in the field ... in administration nonetheless, and I am acutely aware of the problems in the medical field.

I thought of all this and to tell you the truth, I felt kind of silly. Nothing is that ideal. Nothing could live up to the fantasy that I had created. In fact, maybe this whole fantasy was due to my own "crisis of the privileged". This is a symptom that I see a lot on this board, for example. People who “seem” (and I say this cautiously because I know it’s a generalization and that you can never really “know” people on this board) to have nice lives and should be content and yet complain about being unhappy and believe that going to med school might grant them the happiness they are looking for.

Well I believe that if we have to be careful about this ungratefulness and this sense of entitlement that we sometimes have. A lot of us are quite privileged and sometimes it is being over-privileged that leads to this lack of appreciation for all our blessings. If you are one of those people who is privileged and yet still unhappy and unfulfilled, then I don’t believe that medical school is the answer. If you’re not satisfied with what you have, Medicine will not do it for you. That fulfillment has to come from within. And if you make the mistake of forsaking what you have in order to chase after you “dream”, you will be rudely awakened.
Well, I practiced what I preached. I looked very closely at my own life. I am so grateful for everything I have. I really have what most would consider a very lucky and very privileged life. I have a loving, health family. I got a job right out of school, a job that many would kill for. I’m making good money, I have plenty of time for myself and I really have no worries. In fact, I don’t even need money. My family is well enough off that if I decided to become a starving artist, I actually would not starve. Not even close.

So why the heck do I feel unfulfilled? I am angry at myself for feeling this way. I shouldn’t feel dissatisfied with my life. I have everything I need and more.

I decided to ask for a deferral. Since I was in so much turmoil, wouldn't it be better if I had a whole other year to torture myself, to agonize over the decision. No really. I thought if I had another year, I could finish a second year at work, make sure I was okay with quitting. After all, this was a very good job. It wouldn't be easy to leave it. There were still several projects I wanted to finish. I didn't feel right about dropping everyone after my first year there. I knew I was needed, that many people counted on me and that there was still lots to be done. I felt that another year would allow me to get things where I wanted them to be, with plenty of time to find my replacement. I would leave at a point where things weren't such a mess to hand over to someone else. I would have time to train my replacement.

I really didn't want my co-workers to think that this job was just a stepping stool, just a temporary thing. Especially knowing that many people placed bets as to how long I would be there. A lot of people, including my old profs, thought I would be outta there in 6 months. People thought I was too good for the job, that I should be doing something greater. I'm not saying this to be conceited. I never understood this idea. I mean, I know I'm smart, talented, capable. But I think this job is great! It's a great opportunity! At least I'm smart enough to recognize that when others thought I could do better. I'm already proving them wrong by the way. I'm proving how much I could actually accomplish in this position. And now people are "coveting" my job more (which I don't like. I don't like it when people are envious. It's bad energy). Anyway, I'm digressing.

So I'm saying that this job and my co-workers mean a lot to me. I think that my employees and my supervisors have high hopes that I could really help them out and get things moving. Which I am doing. And I would have felt extremely mournful to leave so abruptly and with so many loose ends.

Here I am being idealistic again. The evil voice in my head is saying, "No one will give a sh*t whether you stay or go" and "Don't let you job get in the way of your career". But I succumb to my idealism.

On the more practical side, deferring admission and staying an extra year would allow me to save a nice chunk of cash which would surely be needed on the road to an M.D. By the way, my family is not filthy rich or anything, they are just well-off enough in the form of "infrastructure", i.e. I will never (god-willing) be out on the street or hungry. But they are not rich in the sense of cash flow. While they *could* technically pay for my education, it would affect their comfort-level and I would never ask them to do that...

I digress again. The point is, I thought asking for a deferral would be a good idea in a lot of ways.

I get ready to compose my letter which I must send to the Dean. What should I say? Should I tell the truth as to why I want a deferral or make something up that would more likely guarantee an approval (like illness or something). Some people say my school does not grant deferral very easily an I should say someone in my family is sick. Again I succumb to my idealism and decide that I would be uncomfortable saying such a thing. Something to do with bad karma. If I lie about a family member being ill, they might actually get ill, you know?

So I write a completely honest letter describing my job siutation (which by the way is a great experience for the administrator-clinician that I aspire to be, and I do mention that) and adding that it would really help me to save up for another year.

I waited quite a long time until I got a response. I think it was 2.5 weeks. To my horror, I got a very indignant response from the Dean who carbon copied my letter and his response to like everyone. The crux of the letter was "How dare you not jump at the opportunity to join our faculty and immediately drop everything else in your life?" and "Do you know how many people would do anything to have your spot?" and "You are wasting our and other applicants' time" and "You better show up to class in one week or consider your acceptance of our offer of admission withdrawn".

Welcome to the medical establishment.

Two days later, I wrote back turning down the offer of admission. I had just decided NOT to pursue my dream of becoming a doctor.

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night with a sinking feeling in my stomache and the thought of "what've I done"??? I can't believe I got into medical school and then turned it down, after having thought about it for so many years. But I usually tell myself, Alright, Calm Down, let's think this through logically.

When I think about things logically, my decision makes all the sense in the world. But if it were the right one, then why am I obsessing about it so much??

The thing is, I imagine sometimes that I had gotten the deferral and that I had the chance to start med school in the fall of 2006. But that idea makes me kind of uncomfortable. I really have major doubts about going to medical school, yet I would still like to go. I've chosen to trust my logic rather than my feelings, because my feelings are so all over the place. But maybe my feelings are all over the place because I'm not giving them enough attention and because I'm trusting my logic, which may be flawed!

This whole thing makes me so confused! Why am I having such difficulty with this decision? I have never been this indecisive about ANYTHING. I have never obsessed this much about ANYTHING. I've never cared this much about ANYTHING. I feel like I'm losing my mind sometimes. Has anyone had a similar experience? Has anyone gotten into med school and not gone??

I should probably make a list of the reasons why I did not choose medicine.

To me, the decision to go or not to medical school is kind of like deciding whether or not to marry someone. I love this guy but I just don't think he's the right person for me, so I decide to end the relationship. I can't decide whether I should trust my heart, or my brain, which is telling me that this guy might not be the best fit. But I do love him so much! Should I risk everything for love? Should I just close my eyes and jump and hope that everything will fall into place and make sense? I'm not that type of person and have never made decisions that way. I'm an EN T P not an EN F P!

Now what if I do marry this guy and then I find out that this is not working AT ALL. I'm gonna be like, I knew it, I had a list of reasons why it wasn't gonna work, what a stupid decision, why would I do something so illogical ...

So since this decision is so based on my idea of reason and logic. I will make this list of reasons why I did not go to medical school.

WHY I DID NOT GO TO MEDICAL SCHOOL

*This list is in no particular order

1)I hate memorizing
It's boring. I have no patience for it. I am very restless and have difficulty staying seated for a long time, especially doing something boring like memorizing anything.

2)I hate studying
I've always been an excellent student, but I've always studied arts/social sciences, which require research, writing papers, reading dense, abstract texts. I could do any of these tasks EASILY. For my BA and my MSc, I could do way better than most other students, in half the time it took most other students.

3)I've never really liked pure sciences that much
I do find some of the sciences interesting, but my lowest marks were in my science classes and these classes were the ones I enjoyed the least. My lowest mark in graduate school was a B (the only one) which was in epidemiology, the only class that was remotely medical-school related and involved a bit of memorization.

4)I'm lazy (a bit bohemian, quite “chill”)
This is sort of related to numbers 1 and 2. In the social sciences and the arts, you don't have to study regularly. You work when you're inspired, which usually happens in bursts. Sort of like with this diary. I'll write 3 or 4 entries in one day and then disappear for a month. When I'm "disappeared", I can be found sleeping, shopping, reading, playing guitar, watching 5 or 6 reality tv shows, cooking, or basically wasting time.

5)I hate structure and routine of any kind. I don't like "the system".
I don't like having to be somewhere at a certain time on a regular basis. I don't like hierarchy (unless I'm at the top of it). I don't like being told "this is how things are". I like to critique how things are. I like to be able to do my own thing. I actually don't know if this reason is for or against medicine?

6)I like to keep my options VERY OPEN

6a)7 to 10 years training to be a doc, with a very busy schedule, inflexible hours (by my standards especially), inability to take a month off here and there, negative career impact of taking a year off here and there if needed, seems VERY SCARY and I'm afraid it will do me in. I’m really afraid of being “stuck”.

6b)What if I want kids? See 8a.

6c)I'm an international person. I move on average every 5 years, and have my whole life. I've been in several relationships with men who are not in the same country as me. Choosing medicine will also mean choosing one city for a very long time, a time when I will hopefully also be making other important life decisions ie. marriage and kids.

6d)I would like an international career meaning one that I could take anywhere with me. At first glance, medicine does fit this criteria, but if we look closely, we will find that it's actually not that easy at all to practice in other countries. Medicine is highly regulated everywhere. Options may be limited. Plus, work conditions vary enormously. I'm not sure I would even want to be an M.D. in the U.S., let alone in Europe or some third world country. Choosing medicine might mean choosing one country forever.

6e)I may eventually want to do something different, like management, teaching or research. Is it worth going through med school and residency only to move to something else later, something that I could've done without an M.D.?

7)I like coming up with new ideas and theories and trying to make changes to systems.
I worry that medicine will suck me into busywork with patients (although I think I would enjoy this) and I won't be able to use my intellect. Medicine might steer me down a completely different path, maybe not the one that I want or am meant to be on.

8)I'm very good at what I do now.
Self-explanatory. I like management/leadership work. While I can still do this kind of work as an M.D., I don't need to be an M.D. to do it. Again, medicine is a bit of a change to what I’m doing now (although not a huge change), rather than a continuation and a building on my current skills and accomplishment. I feel like I would be backtracking a bit.

9) I think that doing a PhD and an academic career might suit me better.
Over the summer, while I was trying to decide about medicine, I couldn’t help but think about this. This option fulfills most of my requirements and might fit my personality more. It’s a more logical option, albeit, less “desirable” for me.

10) Money: This is actually the least important reason, because I’m so not money oriented. While physicians make really good money, I wonder if I take into account lost wages from my current job, including the possibility of having been promoted or advanced in my career, would that not even out with the money I would make as a physician, ESPECIALLY, considering that I would almost certainly go into primary care (probably family medicine)? I think that may still make more money as a physician, but not enough that it should be a motivating factor in choosing medicine.

So there might be other reasons that I haven’t thought of, but I think that pretty much sums everything up. Any comments/suggestions welcome and appreciated!