To introduce myself ,i am 29 yrs old Int Medical graduate ,married and have a beautiful 3 yrs old daughter .
I graduated in 2001 ,yeah reminds me that i'm standing still while everyone has surpassed .
I got married and came here .
My hubby is an engineer who would do anything to get into medicine .Since i am not working yet,he is waiting for me to get into residency and then he wants to start medschool .He is preparing for mcat .He also loves medicine and actually is very knowledgeable .He had some family matters in childhood and did what he possibly could at that point of his life .He is making good money but he says medicine is his passion .
Well he is 35 ,still young i would say .Everyone should pursue their dreams .
I have lot of things to be thankful for .A very supportive husband ,beautiful ,daughter ,nice house .But deep down i always wanted to get back into medicine .I always wanted to be a doctor .I remember writing Dr.... behind my course books in school.
Medical school was lot of work but enjoyed every part of it .I still dream about it .I was in europe .Transition to US seemed a little hard to me .My daugher was born exactly 9 months after my marriage .
My parents were not so excited at that point that their daughter is going to be a Mom while her career has taken a back seat .Since then ,they did remind me almost every time i talked to them that i should get back to it .

But i love being a Mom and i think i am blessed to have spent 3 wonderful years at home with my baby .My daughter used to catch infections very quickly so we thought it would be better that she grows up a bit before joining childcare .She did start going to daycare last year .and she does happen to bring home some new infection now and then .
I started studying for usmle last year .By now ,i should be practically ready for it .But seems like i am not .Still studying everyday .Somethings do come up and i do stay at home with my daughter some days so lots of breaks in between .I am hoping to be bit more organized and give it by April.
I am doing pathology right now and hoping to finish it by end of january .
I feel quite responsible for lot of things .I have to get into residency to make way for my hubby to pursue his dreams and then i want another child .But right now i guess i have to wait and get somewhere before i can plan a baby .
It's been rejuvenating experience to write all my heart out .
In the end ,i hope God will guide me right so i can fulfil my usmle dreams .

First of all ,Thanks cardiacrn1 .I really appreciate your kind words .And i do believe in prayers a lot.
Yesterday i did environmental patho from robbins ,got 80% barely made it so moved on to peadiatric patho and didn't do that well .Somehow i always get confused in all those minute microbe details .Anyways i'm thinking of doing robbins interactive cases.Hopefully that might raise score cause i just can't move until it is 80 and up(someone advised me that ) .Then i'm thinking of finishing neoplasia .
Yesterday was not so productive .Usually i go to library from 8 am to 9 pm ,just started this schedule from january yeah people here at community college library have already started thinking i'm nuts or something .I'm sure medical school libraries are different .
But i stayed home quietly upstairs in study room while my daughter was downstairs with caretaker .But as the hubby arrived at 5 pm ,he broke the spell .Came straight to my room and my 3 yr old toddling behind him.Well i gave her shower ,fed her and at around 6.30 was back to chair but not for long .My daughter was back at 9 for bedtime stories which i always read no matter how much time i have cause they actually soothe my nerves .
Life is not all fairy tales as i find out now but my daughter seems to make my life so beautiful and fulfilling .She is my sunshine .Ever since i came to US ,We moved three times .We were in NY first ,now in PA .Life is slow here .I lost all my friends through years as we moved on .Ocassional phone calls but that is it .And now i have no time to make any new .I do miss having women friends to talk to . Reading diaries doesn't make me feel lonely anymore .
So today peads again and neoplasia.Till tomorrow .

Well today was total loss .Started up in morning in good spirits did some q's ,Started cardiovacular and still doing it .Yesterday studied pretty well .I have to learn how to focus even when mind is not at it .The isolation of studying alone for step 1 is really driving me nuts .In med school,we have friends ,study buddies we discuss with .Now it's just me and the computer .
I have total attention deficit disorder today .It used to happen before but today was extreme form of it .I didn't accomplish much at all .I'm soooo upset with myself .I am staring at pages ,reading ,rereading paragraphs .I am thinking i will take a break and go play with my daughter may be give her a shower .Well ,today's friday night movie is out of question as i have to sit down and finish this at night .
I wonder if anyone else ever feels so distracted or it's just me .
Some days i go straight 14 hrs, some days can't scrape through six hrs .
This weekend i have lot of work to finish heart ,hematology ,lungs.
So it's going to be a very long weekend .I hope God will help me concentrate better in the evening.
Cause i have to finish the patho by end of jan.
Happy weekend!

I have never felt worst in my life .Things suddenly are much slower .I think i need a break maybe an escape would be better term .I spent last night talking to my hubby about my frustrations and loneliness and this exam which is becoming more like a resentment right now .My heart is really heavy .I haven't actually gone anywhere out of town in past 5 months .No where cause i always had the exam on mind .I didn't want to waste time going somewhere .I am not sure how productive that is anymore .I had recently invited my Dad to maybe help me a little with my daughter and he is here .But Dad ,who is also a physician ,is lonely here .It's quite understandable as Mom and all his friends are back home .Now i feel guilty about inviting him .
Just spoke with my Mom regarding the same .She actually got quite offended with me when i mentioned that it wasn't a good idea for me to call Dad .I truly appreciate his coming but it's kind of not working for me
After all ,he has never babysitted in his entire life and does not know anything about house stuff .My Mom and Dad had housekeepers while me and my brother were growing up .So it is a huge sacrifice for him to come here and drive my daughter around .We at this point don't have that kind of money to afford housekeeping .I can handle all the stuff at home .I was just thinking that my daughter will get some company .But he seems lonely and tired with a kid with him although he would not say that .
Mom is offended that i first called him and now want him to go back without actually giving the exam .They want the best .They are my parents and i love them dearly .Just i can't see everyone around me miserable because of my studying .But they think i am not planning for exam so want him to go back .How do i explain .There are no words .I just thought that i might take a week off or something .Because i am so burned out right now .I have never felt lonelier despite of being among everyone .I can't believe that i have communication problems with my own parents javascript:void(0)
Guilty
Myabe i don't need a break and should just go on and give this exam.Maybe everyone will be happier after i am done .But i have really come to a saturation .I so need a break , a break that i might never get .Not to mention that i gained 10 pounds while studying for step 1 .My picture on christmas is miserable .I look sloppy and those dark circles are darker than ever But who cares .All that matters is exam . All that matters is can i be resilient enough to carry on ?? I am not sure .Ever since i started the studies i have been guilty .Guilty for not spending time with my daughter .Guilty that hubby has to to take care of all the finances and other issues just because I'm studying .Child care here is extremely expensive .we pay more than $1000 each month for child care so that is also basically expenses we have to deal with because I'm studying .
This all makes self doubt come to surface .I find myself wondering Am i going to be able to do this or am i wasting everyone's time and energy .Although i have been good student in past and have never flunked an exam .this experience is different .You see i never had a baby and a hubby and all the other things in med school .It was just me and my backpack and the apartment .The biggest worries at that time were just school work which i was quite efficient .Other than that it was gym ,taking care of myself .
Now the priorities are all different . My daughter ,my hubby come first then studying .I don't even have a place on list available for myself or my personal time .And who cares about that . Did i knew it's gonna be this hard .I guess not .
Well let's see if this darkness is going to fade and will i see some light somewhere to follow along .Right now just feel like crying and maybe going to sleep .

It's been a long time since i posted but we took a vacation I have not been studying but i am going to get back to it .
Just found out last saturday that i'm pregnant again .
I don't really remember my last period probably was in january somewhere .I was so stressed out at that time .I can't recall at all.Silly me !!!
Now it is time race .I need to give steps before baby comes .
Wish me luck !!