So. I failed every test in my first block. Each one. Some by a little, some by a lot. I let myself be devastated for a few days, and now I'm merely disappointed in myself, and trying to figure out why, and how to not let it happen again.

As to why: My study habits suck, and this is exacerbated by the fact that I'm sleep deprived and dealing with post-partum depression. Remedy: Study more, end studying at 11pm, wean the baby and take anti-depressants. I'm also going to meet weekly with my professors and my study group and I have worked out a new study plan.

The truth: This is really hard. I still believe it's doable. But it's really, really hard.

What would you do?

So, yes, I failed all (ALL) of my tests, some by quite a lot. This block I've been studying harder, and I *feel* like I'm understanding a lot more. But student services, my teachers and the Dean have all suggested that I drop to part time at the very least. They've put the option of taking a leave and starting all over again next year on the table, too. NO ONE seems to think that I'll pull myself out of the hole I've gotten myself into, as I'll have to get better that 88% on everything for the rest of the semester.

Actually, my study partners seem to think I can do this. So does my husband. And honestly, I feel like maybe I can, too, on a good day. But it's a huge gamble - literally. My scholarship is at stake. If I take a leave, it's safe unless I mess up next year, too. If I take 1/2 time, I'm more likely to pass the 2 classes than the 5. If I don't do anything and keep my schedule the way it is, I don't have to spend 5 years in medical school, and I don't have to lose the continuity of my education, and I don't have to feel like a huge loser... if I pass my classes.

So really, what would you do if you were me? I know most of you would never let yourselves get into this stupid position. I should have taken a leave to begin with, that's painfully obvious now. But here I am. PM me, if you want.

Decision has been made, and I am now part-time. It was the safe, rational, probably better for me in the long run choice... but right now I regret it. It's stupid, but it's put my self confidence in the crapper. My classmates know, and they tend to say stuff like, "Is everything ok?" It's not said with any kind of malice, but I definitely feel set apart. And what I'm finding is that being set apart from one's class in medical school is worse than being set apart in middle school. It's not about popularity (at least not for me) - it's about that feeling of camaraderie that only comes having faced something together as a group.

I'm not really in that group anymore. I won't be in any group for a while.

But back to the self confidence thing. I'm not exactly one of those gals who succumbs easily to shame. I generally don't care what people think about me. I can't afford to. But I don't think I'm very smart, and so I do succumb to self doubt... often. Sometimes when I look at chemical pathways that I'm supposed to learn, I literally swoon with anxiety. And study groups... oh, my God, how I loathe them. I never feel ready to study with other people. I hate (HATE) trying to teach people stuff when I don't feel ready, and even when I do. And now that I've dropped to 1/2 time, I kinda feel like I should be able to do this. But I don't. Not even a little.

I have good parts of my day that make me feel wonderful, like when I get home and my older son yells, "MOMMMA!!!" and runs into my arms. (Did something right there, I guess). Or when my infant son looks up at me and gives me his biggest smile. That's awesome. Or my husband, who will sit on the edge of the couch and hug me, and tell me that I've tied my (metaphorical) shoes together again and need to take a minute and untie them. I would not get through this at all without them.

But back to Urea. And all of the really horrible, horrible enzyme names that are accumulating like snow in a blizzard. Thanks for letting me vent. Night, party people.

Hello. This last block of tests was bizarre. I studied very hard for the two tests I had left, but I studied far harder for biochem than for cell. Turns out I did fine in cell and went down in a burning heap of flames in biochem. I'm meeting with my biochem prof. next week to dissect the test and figure out why I'm doing so badly. It's not that I'm not getting it - I am. I'm keeping up with my study partners (who both got A's, incidentally). I get it. But when I sit down to take these tests, I freak out and start doubting what I know to be true.

For instance, I lost 10 points by changing 2 answers when I let myself get confused. I miss-bubbled, and then had to go back and figure out where I'd skipped. The whole time I was thinking, "I can't do this I can't do this I can't do this," and then another part of my brain was saying "SHUT UP AND TAKE THE TEST."

The upshot: I'm failing one of the two classes that I have left. No, let me be more succinct: I've failed one of the two classes I have left. They're letting me retake it in the Fall. I'm grateful, but I feel like shit about it. I feel like I'm taking money from my granny on a fixed income. I feel like I swiped a dollar from the collection plate at church.

The prof and a few other people have told me that I'm not the only one that this has happened to (or is happening to this semester), and that in the past, people who have had to take over biochem went on to be great doctors. Other administrators are less user friendly and treat me with skepticism, which honestly I'm more comfortable with at this point. But I'm trudging ahead anyway, to the promised land of "great doctorhood." I'm keeping a little kernel of hope alive that this is just a stupid, rocky start, and that I can redeem myself.

Having said all that, it's not all bad. It really isn't. My issues with stuff are my own, and shouldn't be extrapolated to anyone else. And I still really like what I'm learning (sometimes love it). I have good friends, good professors, excellent administrators and a wonderful family. I'm blessed in spite of myself.

See me here, for now. Thanks!

Improbable M.D.

bumping. see me here: [url=www.improbablemd.blogspot.com]Improbable M.D.[/url]