She is being abusive. Don't answer her calls. Soon enough she should get the message and get on with her life.

OMG, she is clearly deranged. There is no such thing as a customary one month bonus. Bonuses are given at the discretion of the employer for excellent work. Bonuses are not demanded by employees. Do not answer her calls anymore---ever. If you have never read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin DeBecker, now might be a good time to pick up a copy.

In "The Gift of Fear," I believe, there was a discussion of how to respond to harassment like that. A common response is to threaten to call the police/get a restraining order. The author argued that that this kind of thing can actually escalate matters, and that one should instead cease all contact. The author strongly encourages people to be alert for signs of danger. If you have not read the book yet, this would be a good time to do so.

Absolutely agree with changing the daycare consent. Make sure everyone at the daycare understands the situation and does not allow her any contact with your children whatsoever.

I posted before I saw your post, AnnaM!

Hmmm, I guess I need to get that book.

I should probably pick up the book at the library...

You have a good point. I am afraid now.

We never put her name on the daycare consent. When my husband was working, he would pick them up afterwork. Now that he is not working, he picks them up in the afternoon.

There are discussions of what's common w/r/t bonuses here:
http://parents.berkeley.edu/advice/childcare/nanny/bonus.html. Take home: about a week's pay seems common. But, of course, that's generally a bonus for a nanny that you *like* - ie, not one that you're in the middle of firing.

So, I'd say (1) 1 month pay as a bonus is totally in left field even for a totally adored, long time nanny; (2) a nanny who's not been doing well and is being fired? Don't feel any obligation to pay anything!

I think it's really hard to let a nanny go. We let our first nanny go when things didn't work out, and it was awkward and unpleasant for sure - and she didn't even live with us. Having someone in your home, caring for your baby... it's really a very intimate relationship for everyone involved. It's hard for the end of that not to feel very personal. I think she probably feels resentful and angry. But, it doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong. It sounds like you've made good decisions, and shouldn't feel guilty about them in the slightest.

Good luck!

Hi, tsunami.

I've been reading along with shock at what your ex-nanny has been saying... is she in legal trouble? using drugs? ( enough speculation... )

definitely a good decision to let her go, nice to offer the bonus, fabulous your husband is supporting you in this.

*DEFINITELY* CHANGE THE LOCKS. Hopefully she's just been used to getting money for not really working, and she'll back off soon enough.

and, I'm not recommending since I don't have enough experience, but what about just getting the restraining order/ making the report without threatening it to her? Ladies?

ohiomommd, I will give my opinion, but I am no expert in police matters! I think she should definitely get the police involved if there is a specific threat, such as a threat to harm anyone in the family or kidnap the children, or if she is stalking any of them. Short of that, I think it is a judgment call. Rich and famous people pay the author's company to make that kind of judgment for them. For the rest of us, reading the book can help us figure out whether a situation is dangerous or just annoying. The author also emphasizes the importance of listening to our survival instincts that tell us when we are in danger.

I think you are right, though, that if she needs the police, she should just call them and not first threaten to call them.

LOL sahmd. Apparently great minds DO think alike.