I am feeling really sad when this should be a happy time for me. I begin medical school in August. I am 34 years old and this has been my dream since childhood. Two weeks ago, my partner (who is also in medical school) broke up with me citing that he did not think we were compatible and I am not the right person to have a family with. This was a total shock to me as we had been together many years and lived together. I am trying to get through this so that my mind is in the right zone to begin school. Its been really hard on me these past few weeks. I really did want a family and I feel so OLD. I cannot imagine ever dating again. What do I do to get into the right gear? Please help..

I am so sorry this happened to you. Will the two of you have to see each other at med school also this fall? Try not to focus on the family part right now. Plenty of people have children later on. It is becoming more and more common, and there are lots of options on how to make it work at a later age too. Focus right now on getting yourself in a good place with you. Breakups take some time to process, and at least you have some time to get it processed before school starts and allow yourself to be happy again about your dream being realized again. Don't let this steal your joy of accomplishing admittance to school. This is a journey that you still get to begin that you accomplished, and that is no small matter! It is a great feat, and you deserve the right to enjoy this beginning! Not only that - I know it is painful right now, but medical school would be impossible to combat with a partner who wasn't completely on board about you. Count your blessings this parting of ways happened now instead of a week before a huge test. You have an opportunity to start anew here, but do realize it is completely normal to need some time to mourn the loss of this person who was in your life for so long. Take some time to feel those emotions, but know that around the bend is a new and happy start for you with OPTIONS for everything you want in life still there.

Hugs, and I hope you have some peace soon. I wish I could say encouragement that would take the pain away, but I've been where you are and not much will do that but time.

I'm sorry--this sucks. The only thing I would say is that 50% of weddings end in divorce, and while it sucks a lot no matter what phase of life you're in, at least he didn't marry you, have babies with you, and THEN decide that he thought you weren't compatible (so that you could experience the joys of joint-custody, visitation rights, and divorce). It's impossible to judge relationships from the outside, but if you've been together for years, and living together, and you were "totally shocked" that he broke up with you, this tells me that there wasn't a whole lot of discussion about being "incompatible," and instead he just broke up with you rather out of the blue. To me, this seems like a very immature thing to do in a committed relationship, irrespective of anything else that was going on within it.

The fact that your boyfriend didn't even want to talk about this before deciding to break up has red flags written all over it (immaturity? communication problems?) This sounds like a man who is going to get divorced to whomever he eventually marries if he can't develop the skills to work through difficult patches in relationships (which are inevitable in any long relationship). Maybe breaking up with you is the best thing he ever did for you--just something to consider.

Thank-you for the encouragement and kind words. They mean very much to me as it is hard to see past where I stand right now. My medical school is four hours away from his, so I will not see him. The "break-up" was sudden. It happened in the morning, a minute after I woke up. He let me know that he thought we were incompatible and that he wants a partnership with someone who wants a big family. I was crying and a horrible mess. He then left our house and moved his things while I left to be with family for a few days. We had discussed and planned were he was going to do his residency (the next town from my med school) and when we would have children (I wanted at most, two). He even told his family this while on vacation, a week earlier. So, it was and still is shocking and I keep thinking of myself as a fool. I am trying to go through my mind any signs that I were there and I was to blind to see. He has had a very rough year with school and some family problems. This, however is no excuse for breaking up the way he did. Yes, I do agree about communication problems. Incompatible? Why hadn't he told me this years earlier?

The very words "know that around the bend is a new and happy start for you with OPTIONS for everything you want in life still there" bring me hope. I will focus on this when I begin to feel insecure and scared about the future. I wish that I could fast forward two months from now. I want to be happy and healthy emotionally so that I can be the best medical student and doctor.

I am sorry about your breakup. I would not like to be awakened with news like that.

Perhaps he has already met this "someone who wants a big family" and that is why he did not discuss it with you ahead of time. Since he was four hours away, you would not necessarily see the signs of another relationship. (Edited to add: I guess he's not four hours away yet, since you were living together...duh!)

I hope that medical school is exciting and that you meet lots of great people.

You have sooooo much that is wonderful, exciting, and fulfilling ahead of you in the next four year (and beyond)!!! Congratulations on starting med school - remember what an amazing experience you are about to embark on. You've been dealt an unfair hand, to be sure. Hang in there and here's to hoping you'll meet Mr. Right soon

I'm sorry to hear this. Just a suggestion, for a little peace of mind, maybe you should consider getting some eggs frozen so when the time is right for children, you'll be working with younger eggs. From researching online, fertility specialists suggest it if you plan on delaying child bearing.

Don't feel like a fool. You made a perfectly reasonable interpretation of how he felt about you (he was living with you, you had discussed the future, you'd even discussed kids!) Normal, functional people do not do what he did to you. Keep telling yourself that!
One thing someone told me I was broken-hearted: you may feel really sad right now, but almost without doubt there is a REAL person out there who would be ecstatic if he know what had happened, because this means that you'll be single he meets you. Yes, he hasn't met you yet, but whoever you end up with is an actual person who is alive right now. It helped me to think about what he might be doing right now--watching t.v.? Hanging out with friends? Getting dumped himself? If he could only know that you've just been broken up with by this guy, his main emotion would be happiness.

I was broken-up with in a similar way to a guy that I was head over heels in love with that I would have married him had he asked me (thank god he never did ask so I never had the opportunity). I was SO devastated, but I shouldn't have been--in less than one year, I met the man I'm now getting married to (although we've been dating for over 5 years now) and I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER. Unlike my previous guy, I believe in my heart that my fiance would never ever do such a callous thing, no matter what happened between us (he even told me that if I cheated on him, he would want to go to counseling and work through it if we could--not that I ever would!) This is the type of person you want to end up with, in my opinion. This guy you're describing just doesn't sound worth working on. I'm sure you've heard it before, but I'm SURE you can do better (and I don't even know you).

Just to add on to snowflake's post - I also was engaged to someone and had a horrible broken engagement prior to marrying my husband. Absolutely glad it happened to me, because I am definitely with the right man now. You never know how much better it can be til you get there...meaning, just wait til the right one comes. You will be so glad this happened! I promise! Sounds crazy, I know. Sex and the City reruns, red wine, chocolate, and repainting my entire apartment living room and kitchen in red (which my now-husband got the fun job of helping me repaint subsequently when I moved from that apartment - what joy, right?) helped me with coping. Find your indulgences, but also a goal to focus on. Sounds like you have a great one built in with school starting - what a wonderful distraction to focus you away from the pain you unfortunately have to trod through with these things. Best of luck! You can do this!

Hi, I am in a similar situation as you. I started medical school August 2011. At that time, my boyfriend and I had been together for over 4 years. We met in undergrad, and he was starting his M3 year and I was going to start my M1 year. We were doing long distance during his first 2 years of medical school, and the application year was full of anticipation as I prayed and prayed that I would get into the same school as him so we can finally be physically together again. Although I did want to make sure that I chose the school of my liking and what I felt fit me best, he, of course, played a big part in my decision for choosing to attend that medical school.

For the entire year leading up to me getting in, he talked about how much he was looking forward to us being in medical school together, us moving in together and getting married after we both graduated. I really believed that he was sure about us. I was certain that this was the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I was so excited to start medical school and to take the next step in our relationship by moving in together. I even brought my two dogs with me because he said he thought it'd be really nice to take care of them together.

Well in about 2 months after moving in together, he seemed to get stressed with school and life and us and stopped communicating with me. This was very frustrating because I felt like an estranged roommate instead of the love of his life. I tried everything I could think of to try to work on our relationship and to get him to open up to me...couples counseling (which I ended up going to by myself), writing him an email, reading articles about how to save relationships...all while trying to juggle my first few months of medical school. By the time month 3 came around, he told me that he has given all that he can give to this relationship and that he was done. He moved out, and I was with a 2-person rent to pay, 2 dogs, and an extremely frustrated, upset, and broken heart.

Until this day, I'm not really sure what happened to "working things out and communicating to each other no matter what". I don't know what happened with "I want to spend the rest of my life with you, through thick and thin". I'm just trying my best to focus on myself and my studies. I don't want to have anything to do with him anymore. I feel betrayed. I feel like a rug was pulled from under me. Now about 3 months after the break-up, he doesn't seem to understand "Please leave me alone". I get texts and emails from him asking me if I want his old books, if he can ship his mail to my apartment, etc. I just want to be left alone so I can move on and focus on school, but it's really difficult right now given the entire situation.

(((hugs))) I'm sorry that happened to you, Oceans3. I think it is perfectly reasonable for you to ignore his texts and e-mails. If you want, you can let him know that you will be doing this because you need to get on with your life.