Not having the best day today. Feeling really depressed. Not med school related.

I feel better today. Yesterday was really tough because I found out something about a family member that I had no idea about. I could not stop crying thinking about this person and what they were going through. I felt so helpless, because I would have done ANYTHING to be there for this person, but I couldn't, even if I had known before. I really learned from this experience though. It really drove home the point that you never really know what's going on with a person and how their issues affect their actions.

On another note, I had my last interview this week. It's weird because this school is not highly ranked like LSS is, but I think they totally bumped LSS out of the number one spot. I felt like I was at home when I was there. The people were so passionate about what medicine should be about, about helping people who don't have. The students were SOO open about their personal experiences before and during med school. I LOVED IT THERE!!! PLUS, I would be close to family if I attend this school which would be great.

That last statement is becoming more and more important to me, especially after the week I had. But I do worry about them driving me crazy though

I have an eating problem. I eat when I'm happy, when I'm stressed (not when I'm sad though, weird), when I'm bored...It's really hard for me to control my portions when I think something tastes really good, like pizza.

As a result of my eating problem, I am really fat. Like Biggest Loser status (though, I would still be one of the smaller contestants :-D). I am TRYING to get it together and it seem so hard. Its really hard when I think about how far I have to go. I feel more desperate about it now because my energy levels have been really low lately- this is likely due to my anemia too, but the weight sure isn't helping!

I know I need to get off of my own case regarding the weight. But I am seriously tired of being overweight. But i guess I'll keep trying :-/

I GOT INTO LSS!!!!!!!!! TOTALLY EXCITED!!!

WOOHOOO!!!!!

Ok, thats enough. :-D I've been talking to students there and they are so kind. I'm tired, so I won't go into details- I need to workout, study and sleep.

So on one last note:

I GOT INTO LSS!!!!!!!!!!

This was a bit of a rough weekend for me. I did get into 2 schools last week and you would think I'd still be over the moon, but now I'm feeling a bit stressed. I've been working full time on a very intense project and taking a class an hour away from my job. I went home this weekend and let my family convince me to stay longer than I planned. As a result, I missed a deadline for a minor assignment in my class. The biggie is that it is no longer possible for me to get a grade higher than a B+.

I know this sounds like a stupid thing to worry about, but I feel like a failure. I worry that the school will rescind the offer if I get lower than a B. One of the local schools that I interviewed with, the dean mentioned the importance of getting an A in a class this semester: I wonder if the other schools feel that way. I feel like such a freaking slacker.

But it did teach me a lesson about setting my own boundaries and sticking to them.

Does anyone have advice on not feeling like a failure? I find myself worrying now that I know I'm going that I won't measure up.

Yesterday, I had another interview at a large school in an urban center. It was a very strange interview. The student interviewer made a racist comment during the interview and I was just taken aback. The weirdest part is that the comment was about a minority group of which I'm a member :-/

Also, the school is alarmingly un-diverse, especially given its location. The weird thing is that they kept harping on how diversity is so important to them, but there was no indication on the campus that it was. Ulch. It was just an ugly experience overall and I'm happy that I have the option of not attending that school.

I'm almost 100% certain that I will be attending LSS!!! Gosh, I'm SO EXCITED!! Everyday, sometimes the thought pops into my head "You've been accepted to LSS and you will be in med school in two months. In four years, you will be an MD" and then I get this huge grin on my face ^_^ :-D I can't believe that it's really happening!

UCS (urban center school)- such a shame. I LOVE the people in the administration office, the Dean and the director of admissions are seriously WONDERFUL! But, they need to stop feeding people this diversity spiel if they really don't buy it. And it's obvious that they don't. All things being equal, I'm going to LSS. But if UCS gave me a full-ride, well, I think it would be a tougher decision.

My sister said that she doesn't think it would be worth it to go there, but I have to wonder if it's wise to take on such a substantial debt for a 4 year experience if I didn't have to.

Hmmm, I haven't blogged in a while. I ended up withdrawing from UCS and I am now in the throws of anatomy at LSS. What, can I say: it's great...and horrible :-D Why is it great? Because I love what I'm learning, like my classmates, the school and the city. Why is it horrible: because my performance leaves alot to be desired. I just took my first exam and barely passed. The feeling sucks. I didn't study as much as I should have (for reasons I don't really want to discuss and/or acknowledge just yet) but still. I felt like I knew the answers and to think that I got so many wrong... I'm starting to question my intelligence. I want to know what was wrong with my reasoning, why did I chose the answers I did? Why were the right answers right?

Also, I just want to be better, damn it! I feel like I'm mediocre in every area of my life, I want to excel at this!!!! Well, that's enough for now. Off to study..

one thing I didn't mention... I aced the practical. At least I know where things are, haha!

Well, the 1st semester of med school is nearly over and I've survived. I no longer stress over my classes, though my study schedule still leaves a ton to be desired.

My biggest issue: depression. Serious, suicide-pondering depression. I know a lot of it is due to the weather. I'm generally a much happier person in the spring and summer. And though I know I would never hurt myself, I don't think I can make it another couple of months without breaking down in public, which would not be helpful.

I am going to make a stronger effort to get help for this.