Okay..ready?
I need to get this out of me, because no one else understands at all. Here, at least I know I am talking to a group of educated compassionate individuals who might even gone through the stage that I have. Or at least make me snap out of it.

Well. I am an ambitious person.. to say the least. I go for the best, set my standards high, and reach even higher just to make sure I get where I need to.
I am a junior at a private university that offers a great pre-medical program and 6 year pharmacy program as well. I went into the school hoping to give myself alternatives in the future, and have my Plan A and B handy.
Last semester, I focused really hard on my sciences and screwed up on my "guaranteed A" classes. I did not make the Dean's list. I am starting this semester with 13 credits (3 of which is a dance class) and feel completely unable to function in any of the other ones. I failed my first physics quiz today that tested basic math skills. I got an A in calculus two years ago, so that tells me that there's a problem. Now, I have siblings who get PAID to go to a public school, and I have over 15,000 in loans.

(Let's note here, that my classmates who barely passed undergrad, but chose to go with the 6 year pharmacy program started their first year. They have classes 11-2 with an hour for lunch in between and so far their classes have been easier than all the undergrad sciences.They are in grad school, they got there without the PCAT, or anything else and they're happy. That alone is enough to drive me insane. It's not that I am jealous, I am wondering why I didn't do that, or I am not doing that right now when I can and whether I'll regret it later.)
I value the quality of the education that I am receiving at my university, and realize there's a difference, however, at this point, I feel like turning away from both Pharmacy and medicine cause I don't think I can do either one.
You know the times when people say.. give yourself a break and think over something later..well no matter when I think about my decision about whether I want to do pharmacy in 7 years and get it over with or go into medicine, my head feels like it's going to explode from the inside. I "make up my mind" every other week and then put my body and brain through the grueling process again.

It's come to the point, where I feel like I am going to freeze up and do nothing. I have not started studying for the MCAT, which I am supposed to take in March..and now I realize it's because I am certain I will do horrible. I am convinced I will be miserable as a pharmacist, however, i am often told that the ability to still be in healthcare, have a family life and make a decent salary will compensate for any dislike I might have for my job.
Medicine is what I want to do, but after learning about the reality of the lifestyle and emotional/physical/mental toll of it, I find that I am convincing myself that I won't make it, why even try and then I don't have to go through the grueling work/debt and stress that will come with it. Other things I wonder about is whether in 10 years, when I am 30 I will feel the same about spending hours on my feet, handling life/death situation and taking on the mental and physical stress of the job. I spent two summers around medical students and doctors and have learned about going through the school and residency and actually practicing even, but that has seemed to cloud my "im gonna be a doctor" happy go lucky drive.

I just wanna say that I have always had a very much type-A personality when it comes to my education. It has always come first and I have never had any trouble finding motivation to spend hours on studying/doing research/volunteering..
Right now, I feel like I am going to screw myself over (excuse my language). If this is my mental state for the rest of the semester, I will do even worse than I did last semester and drop out all together (exaggeration I hope)
I spent 800 dollars in books today and I currently do not have a car, which I have been saving money for months now. I don't have money for much else either, and discovered a beautiful gap forming between my front teeth today. Car, braces, clothes, or tuition? what to pay.

So to summarize. NO MOTIVATION whatsoever. pharmacy or medicine decision WILL kill me or at least cause me to freeze up and not do anything. which would mean I have 15,000 in loans. for nothing.

Also, I do read this forum regularly, and I do see the real problems that people go through. I REALIZE this is not as big of a deal as Im making out of it. But there's really truly no one who can even remotely understand what I am going through..Their responses are "you're smart, you'll be fine". I am not fine right now, not even close. Accepting that makes it just worse.

If you have anything to say.. positive/negative, if you would like to give me a piece of your mind for whining or give me a word of advice, I appreciate it.

a) You need to see a counseler. Not a career counseler, but a therapist who will help you figure out why this decision is so paralyzing for you. You are more anxious about this than most people would be. Whatever else is going on, A-students failing easy quizzes and staying up all night worrying is not normsl. You may even want to take a semester off.

b) As far as medical school and pharmacy school....What do you love about medicine? If you love the science of it, working with other professionals to figure out interesting problems, and doing research, then go to pharmacy school. You will get a chance to do all of those things and you will have a good lifestyle a lot faster.
If you really like having patients call you "doc", talking to people, poking people with sharp objects, or cutting people open, then you need to go to medical school. Pharmacists don't get to do that.

Look. I have seen you stress about this. If there was a correct decision, you would have figured it out by now. There isn't. Both have positives and negatives. You just have to choose what seems right and remember not to blame yourself for whatever happens down the road.

I agree that I might need to see a counselor. which I can actually do at my school. I am not approaching this in a healthy manner at all.
With medicine.. I love the science of it.. love being able to be called doc..and love the idea of having a job I will enjoy during my life that would be there for me, even if nothing else is.
Going with pharmacy depresses me, because I am not going to be taking half the classes other people would be/taking the PCAT, so basically taking the easy way. Also, in the end, what if I despise my job? What if i go to work every day and I hate it. I might have a time for a family and life etc., but if I get married and my spouse passes away, what will I have left? Wouldn't having a carreer I enjoy give me a more fulfilling life.
I guess that's something I should be talking to a counselor about. Thanks for advice annie, I really do appreciate it.