Thank you so much for all the great responses. It really does help to read them and feel like maybe I'm not the only one who's been through this. I'm feeling a little better lately. Trying to reach out more to others in my program too.
Definitely still struggling with the time away from my son. I feel like as he's growing and changing, it's only getting harder to have time away from him. I found it much easier when he was a little baby and he didn't seem to be phased by my coming and going.
As for seeking help with depression.. I think I could definitely benefit from this, however, I'm sure many of you can relate to having trouble scheduling time to take care of yourself. I am going to work on it though.
I hope this is true that anesthesia will afford me an easier way of life once I am more experienced and through with training. My husband keeps reminding me of this, and I try to tell myself this as well. I do worry that this is not the case though. I worry that I will have trouble handling the stress when I am done with residency and may be working on my own.
Anyway, I hope to have more time to write soon.
And I truly do aprreciate all of your responses.
Thank you so much.

The title of your post caught my attention because the answer is "yes, I still do." I'm an anesthesiologist. I had my son when I was half way through my CA-1 year and I've struggled every single day since he was born. My husband is also an anesthesiologist but fortunately was 5 years ahead of me in training so was an attending by the time our son was born. We put him in a child care center when he was 4 months old and my husband became the primary parent for the remainder of my residency with my mother-in-law picking up the slack when we couldn't avoid our schedules overlapping. It was not easy and still isn't. The things I had going for me are that I love what I do and my husband is incredibly supportive (and understands where I am in a way that is possible only because he also practices my specialty).

You have chosen an extremely stressful field not only because, as you've learned the hard way, death is a constant companion but because our specialty is changing in character rapidly and it isn't what is was even 5 years ago (and frankly, we have no way of knowing what it's going be like). There is hope for a better life after your training is over but you are still going to have to decide if that's the life you want. As a practicing physician, you are always going to be called on to sacrifice time away from your family and your life is always going to be different in terms of stress than the average working person and as an anesthesiologist, different than most physicians. You have to decide if you love it enough and if your work is important enough to you that the sacrifice comes even close to being worth it. I have struggled with these things everyday but I have been able to answer a couple of the questions for myself so I keep going. I choose to practice not only because I love my work but because it is part of who I am. Because I have found that I need my work to be a complete person, I feel that the time it takes me away from my child comes close to being worth it because I have more to offer him when I am with him. I found a job that allows me to be there most nights to feed him dinner and tuck him in and gives me way more time off than the customary 2 weeks of yearly vacation that most working parents get. I found a child care center where he is happy and thrives. So far it's working and I can only hope that when I'm at the other end of my life, I can look back and say that I gave him the best life I could, no matter how unconventional it was.

If possible, take some vacation so you can step away for a few days and make your decisions with a clearer head after you've rested. Review your bad case with someone within your department that you can trust and learn from it. Though it does not happen often (thank heavens!) it does happen and if you choose to stay in anesthesia you will see it happen again either to you or to a colleague. It's the risk we take every time we roll a patient in the room no matter how safe we've made it. I agree with someone who posted above that you need a mentor. I was so lucky to have several female attendings who had kids too. Don't expect that they'll be sympathetic (they won't - all will expect you to suck it up just like they did) but they may be able to provide some perspective and give you a little hope. I also had a couple of resident colleagues that either had kids around the same time as me or shortly before me who I could go to and just vent which was truly a lifesaver. No one, including your husband, can understand like another woman who's going through the same thing (which is why you've posted on this forum). Having a child changes everything but down deep, you still have the remanants of the woman you were when you decided to go into medicine in the first place. Reconnect with her. Lastly, if you believe in a higher power, pray. You are strong, you can do this IF you want to. Just decide if you really do.

I am in a huge funk although I am a PGY3. Almost every day lately I have questioned WHY did I do this to myself and my family. My kids are now soon to be 21 and 18 and I still feel that they have gotten the short end of the stick along with my husband (whom is 200% supportive and really encouraging me). The toll that this whole endeavor has taken is HUGE. I feel completely and absolutely spent and truly have thoughts of quitting and to the hell with everything daily. I do enjoy what I do but it comes at such a HIGH price! the countless hours of work, always being on your toes because someone is always watching you for evaluations, patients that are not the nicest many times and with a huge sense of entitlement, all of our decisions carry on so much weight, and on and on. I will finish and hopefully once working things will be better but if not, I have no qualms about walking away from something that took so long because MY sanity is worth much more.
I would advise you to just take it one day at a time but if you continue to feel like this specialty is not your cup of tea then bail out before you have invested more time....just my 2cents

I loved Anesthesia mom's response, I pretty much agree with all of it-especially the last part-reconnect with the part of you that wanted medicine in the first place, and see if she still wants it.

I went through some pretty dark times when I was working full time, had a toddler and another on the way. I literally had anxiety and panic attack, insomnia on Sunday nights, the works. It forced me to reevaluate and figure out what was most important to me. I was worried that the kids weren't seeing me enough, were going to lack something b/c they were in daycare...After many years of reflection, I know that this is a part of who I am, and I am a better mommy if I am also out in the workforce feeling productive. I have plenty of friends who are extremely productive as SAHM's but not me. When I am home I tend to waste time! If I am busy i get more done, interestingly.

In terms of my kids, the first two went to an amazing daycare from three months on, and I think they are friendly, outgoing,well adjusted, and independent. All great qualities in kids. They also have the opportunity to see me managing everything, and my oldest especially is a tremendous help at home. I personally think the responsibility is good for her. She is seven and in second grade. I was skiing with her last winter and asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up, and she said "A veternarian" I asked her "Don't you want to be a mommy?" "Yes, she said, but you're a mommy AND and doctor! I can do something else too!"
The third one went to someone's home for the first 18 months, then we wanted her to get more socialization so we started her in a daycare 2 days per week. She definitely had the hardest adjustment and is more of a momma's girl than the other two, probably b/c I have worked part time her entire life and have had more time with her. She is also outgoing, talks a ton, potty trained at age 2. I think the type of childcare doesn't matter, as long as it is quality childcare. The time you spend with them needs to be quality, and as much as possible, but you above all need to be happy with yourself and what you are doing. If you are truly miserable in your field, then change things.

I would echo trying to find a mentor though-they can be invaluable, at any career stage!!

Anesthesia Mom, thank you for what you have said. You describe it well. The pressure we are under as physicians is so much more than what lay people experience. Add to that the stress of trying to balance the needs of a family and it is no wonder so many of us are questioning our chosen path. I often feel that practicing medicine is the best and also the worst of all.