Hi all, I'm new to the forum. I'll be starting medical school next fall and my husband started this year. We've been married for three years and he is 31 and I'm 27.

Since he's started M1 he's made a lot of new friends, particularly with a few girls in his class who are much younger (22-24). A couple of weeks ago he was studying late (2am) and he called me to check-in and one girl in particular asked him to give her the phone and then she proceeded to introduce herself to me (with a lot of giggles). Tonight she invited him to meet her for a drink (and to retrieve a lost sweatshirt) and he went. He's been spending a lot of time with her and a couple of other girls and I've never met any of them.

I'm trying hard not to worry but I'm just curious if/how others have dealt with these types of relationship issues related to school? Is this normal behavior for M1?

That makes me raise my eyebrows. I was always very careful in medical school when it came to studying with classmates of the opposite sex; I respected my husband, who is not a physician, enough to always study with coed groups or if it happened to work out that only males would be present, I made sure that any studying occurred in a very public portion of our library at times when many other people were around. Hopefully, you guys have a strong relationship with good, open communication. I think you should be honest with him--tell him your concern, and ask him what he can do to make sure that he doesn't get drawn into an inappropriate relationship with another woman and to make you more comfortable. On the other hand, it is a very normal part of being a new med student that you are meeting new people whom you have a lot in common with during an exciting and challenging time--you make a lot of friends. I am sure to him right now, it seems very innocent, but innocent things can change. I think, especially, if he is going to be hanging out in social situations (such as the drink to retrieve the sweatshirt) he should be sure to include you!!

MS2 here - no, I can speak as someone who is older (30) friends with similar-aged married guys in the class. I wouldn't behave in that way with them. Now, we hang out in groups without our spouses, but I wouldn't go out with one of them without their spouse. That just feels weird to me. On the other hand, I am very friendly with their spouses. In fact, one of their spouses brought food to us recently upon the birth of our child. It is a couples friendship, rather, I suppose I am saying. Does that make sense?

I would be honest with him and let him know how you feel. I agree, he may just not realize how different this playing field is now that he is married and the younger ones aren't - they may not understand how different it is either. Most of my guy friends at school ARE married, so we act the same towards each other. If he is friends with some younger single ones - they may not get how things are different yet. That's ok - he may not get that they don't get it. Men can be kind of slow sometimes (sorry guys).

I think being honest with him would really help, because as your spouse, I'm sure he is interested in your comfortableness with his friendships and your happiness in general.

My spouse is incorporated into all my friendships at school. I send him out to play pick-up sports games with the guys, and he comes with me to pretty much every event/social gathering. Maybe you guys can talk about how you can start plugging in with him?

I guess it also depends on how studying works too, though. I study at home a lot, but when I did study in groups - it was large groups. Not one-on-one. I think a conversation over how things make you feel vs. what he feels would really help!

It appears that that girl (and maybe other girls) is after him. That happened a lot in my medical school class. Many prior relationships were broken up in that way.

It is really inappropriate for him to be studying at 2am with female classmates. Even if nothing happened, it is still perfectly reasonable for you to ask him not to do that. It would also be best if he introduced you to these girls so that your marriage seems more real to them.

Now is the time to deal with this issue, as it will come up again and again as you both progress in your medical careers.

I would agree that this behavior is concerning. Too much temptation and potential for crossing boundaries that should not be crossed. This would make me uncomfortable if I were in that situation. This woman is interested in your husband. In medicine, we spend a lot of time in the hospital during the training process. Several of my classmates from med school started out engaged or married to other people (not in medicine) and ended up splitting up to be with a classmate since you spend so much time with these people and relatively little time with your sig other that you may drift apart unless you make an effort to keep the relationship going. Perhaps it's just the field I am in (surgery) but there seems to be a fair amount of cheating on spouses by male colleagues. Makes me sick. You should talk to your husband and establish some boundaries as he may have no idea you are uncomfortable with his actions.

Thanks for all of the replies. Even though I love and trust my husband, I am very concerned. I tried to broach the topic with him last night and he got very defensive and told me that I was just being jealous. I really believe that he has pure intentions and is just trying to make friends- he's always been the guy that had a lot of female friends, but I also know how easily things can become something else...particularly in such an emotionally charged environment as medical school. This past semester was really bad- we just really drifted apart- and I'm just now realizing how much time he's been spending with other girls.

I agree it's concerning. It is probably really flattering to him to be attractive to these intelligent women that have a lot in common with him... although it sounds like you are one of those, too! My husband and I were in the same med school class, but had many friends whose spouses weren't... and they always included their spouses in our parties, activities, etc. Most of our friends since we've been married have been "couples", like southern said above. Not because we did that on purpose, but we just prefer to hang out with people we have a lot in common with. We got married pretty young, so our marriage has been a moving target as we grow together, but the key is to do it together. I think you are completely reasonable to ask that he not be alone with another woman in the middle of the night... but make it clear it is not because of trust in him, just because the rumors or idea of it or whatever makes you unhappy. good luck...

He is either defensive because he knows it's wrong, too, and feels bad, or because something really is going on.

I definitely second requesting that he not spend time alone with other women at night (sheesh, at my school, if he did that *once*, for like an *hour* in the middle of the day, rumors would be flying!). Maybe try to plan more date nights (if he can find a way to go out for a drink with her, he can go out with you!), and DEFINITELY be a presence at his school--these girls need to know who they're up against!

To my mind the problem with this situation is not the situation per se, but the (unknown) character of this other woman. My husband has a "work wife" (not his words) who I know well, and know to be a happily married woman of impeccable character. They went out for drinks the other night after a conference. I was cool with it.

Personally, I don't think integrity/character is demonstrated by the situation described in Emily's post. People are human and make mistakes all the time. IMHO, no human "mistake" is any better or worse than another, including infidelity unless you're talking about the John Edwards or Tiger Woods kind of infidelity.

In my mind, the best display of character/integrity is having the common sense to NOT put yourself in a situation that is potentially compromising to whatever it is you value. If it's marriage you value, then being alone on a regular basis outside of a work setting with someone of the opposite sex whom you're not related to, is an absolute hell to da' no!!!

I would have a serious conversation with him, now. I am sure classmates are already talking, and he needs to realize this is heading down a bad path. If he is not willing to accept or acknowledge this, there is only trouble in the future.

I like the suggestion to make your presence known at school. If this girl doesn't come around and say, have lunch with you guys, then there is a real problem. Come for lunch everyday, stop by as he is getting ready to go home. Check in and bring a snack when he is studying late hours right before exams.

You need to spend time together as a couple. In first year, he should be able to study like a 9-5 job and be home outside of those hours. If not, perhaps you should take up reading and go with him to the library at night, or start doing research on an area of medicine that you find interesting. Help him study by quizzing him on the material (esp. since you will be going through it in a year).

There are a good number of married people in our class, and they do go out, but as a couple. Not alone, and never for a drink with someone of the opposite sex. The fact that you weren't invited/didn't go along is a huge red flag.

Starting medical school is somewhat like high school all over again- smaller class sizes, everyone has their core people, "groups"- although a little different based on what people want to go into or similar backgrounds, gosh, we even have the freaking lockers. He may be struggling to find his place in the class with mostly younger people- he needs to be comfortable with who he is, and find a niche that doesn't jeopardize your marriage or his reputation (as I said, I am sure people are talking).

Good luck, and enjoy the time off before starting in the fall!

Sorry I agree with path. Even though I trust my husband and know he means well, I also know he is a male and given the right circumstances could be tempted to stray. I think this is just the way it is. So it is important to work on maintaining our relationship so this will not happen (infidelity). Because once it does happen, I think it is so much harder to deal with. And might even be the end of our marriage. So preventing it is so important!