Feeling tired and unsure of things. No one thing is wrong, just the toll on my sleep / time with daughter / husband / any time to myself at all is all really adding up right now.

On call Christmas Eve and New Years Eve. All those thoughts of getting to see my daughter wake up to her "first" (as a verbal toddler who knows anything about what's going on) Christmas... nope. Helping her make ornaments as presents for family? No way. This just doesn't feel like how this season is supposed to go.

How are others holding up?

Who says Christmas has to be on the 25th? Do it the next day! or the day before!!! She's a toddler, she doesn't know any better! Absolutely you should be there for her Christmas!!! Don't let internship and calendars ruin that for you.

I'm on call on New Year's Eve too, we can commiserate and yeah I'm tired and it's cold and it's dark, but I still enjoy it (most of the time).

Agree with Baby Einstein! Do christmas on whatever day you're home, your daughter won't know the difference

And don't feel bad about feeling tired and unsure. I had a month earlier this fall where I left every post call day and cried my whole drive home. And that was a lot of days that month... But that rotation ended and now being an intern isn't quite as bad. things will go up!

I am long out of internship but still remember those days. Really really focus on getting sleep, exercise, and eating healthy food-it's the only way. You should def reschedule any holiday for convenience-so true your daughter will have no idea. And even if she did-you and your husband make the decisions for your family-not the outside world. It's hard to hear it now-but you may actually miss these days of the incredibly steep learning curve, pushing yourself to the limit emotionally and physically, and the satisfaction of achieving. So hang in there and try to enjoy it----just like your child's childhood, it goes by fast and then it's gone forever.

AmmaMD, I can completely relate. My daugher is 18 months now. I'm in a great family-friendly program with terrific residents and attendings--it's really a fantastic program. But lately the past couple weeks-- intern year has started to catch up with me and I'm starting to feel rather miserable about it. Our program actually has a holiday schedule so eveyone gets 5 days off in a row either Christmas or New Years, which is great. Still, I'm just really wondering if this is what I want to be doing. I've completely lost all passion for medicine. I don't dread going to work, but I'm definitely not excited to be there. I'm not motivated to learn, I definitely don't read, I feel completely stupid about 90% of my work day. I am just really wondering if this was all a mistake, but then I stop because there's nothing I can really do about it--I'm stuck mostly because on my 250K of loans. There's not even anything else I'd rather be doing with my life--I am just really sick of waking up at 4am and getting home at 6 or later, having maybe 2 hours with my daughter (some nights don't see her at all when on long call)--and not even having time to do normal people things like pay my bills and go grocery shopping. I'm just burned out. My lack of enthusiasm is starting to show too which isn't good. I've always wanted to be great at what I do, and put 100% into it, but I don't care anymore--I'm just trying to get through it. Hopefully that will change at some point...

Hang in there you guys; life gets so, so, so much better after internship is over. My advice - which I know you won't take, because I wouldn't have - is to prioritize self care. Instead of picking your kid up early post-call, you really should sleep. On non-call days, go to bed immediately after your child. Etc. Fatigue does increase your risk for depression.

I can't remember the last time I read other than a lightning glance at Uptodate on call so I don't look like a complete fool on rounds the next day. I'm pretty sure haven't read outside of call/new admit since first month of internship. Oh yeah and I haven't felt smart since 2nd day of internship... And those seniors look/sound soooo smart! I feel there's no way I can know all this and be this confident in 6 months, but they tell me I'll be okay. Sigh.

Ammamd, I feel your pain. I cried last week for the first time at work. I just finished my 5call month out of the 6months we have been working. Not a day goes by that I don't wish I could just quit and have another baby! I miraculously got a week off at Christmas and am treasuring the morning when I get to see my two year old when sh e wakes up! They say it gets better, but I can't possibly imagine it to be true...next year for me it is 7 months of call instead of 9--doesn't sound a whole lot different.

Does anyone else feel like they are stuck in the movie groundhog day? The days are all the same-I just work and work some more....

Ditto to groundhog. Being an intern is like being an over-worked secretary. All I do is paper work, phone calls, and then more paper work. And in between we have a few lectures to remind me that I forgot 110% of any little bit of physiology that I ever learned in medical school. I'm pretty sure I'm the dumbest resident ever to go through my program--the problem is, I learned just enough to do ok on multiple choice tests because I'm not too bad at taking tests, and can think through a problem if I have 4 specific choices in front of me, but I can't tell you any physiology of any part of the body basically, because I can't remember anything. I can't concentrate on anything latetely, people talk and it all seems so fast I can't follow anything. I spend most of my day wondering if I'm going to be responsible for a kid dying because I feel so completely incompetent, and not in the typical intern-incompetent way that supposedly everyone feels. I know everyone says you feel like this intern year, but I watch my co-interns, and I am so far behind them in my basic science knowledge, it's not even funny. My heart is not in this any more. I miss my daughter and husband. I know I have so much I need to learn because I am behind, but I don't have any desire to spend my little free time reading. For example, I can't read an EKG to save my life. I'm in peds, and even though we don't do it regularly like say medicine, I need to be able to read an EKG. Or acid-base balance--something so fundamental that I just don't get. That's just two examples of the very fundamental things that I don't get. The third year medical students know more basic science than I do, and sure, they just finished two years of basic science, but I should not be looking like an idiot next to the third-year student. I guess I am realizing that I'm not nearly as academically minded or driven as I thought I was or used to be. I want a job that I can just show up, go through the motions, not have to think too much, and go home at a reasonable time to see my family--and that's definitely not medicine. I don't know how I got to the place I am because I used to be so focused and driven and motivated to learn. I just really don't care anymore. I know this is a complete ramble of nonsense, but I'm just at a loss. I don't really hate being a resident--what I hate is being a bad resident.

I've felt like that too docE. We had a second year med student yesterday shadowing an attending with our team who was asking specifics re: physio type stuff that I forgot LONG ago. It's impossible for me to come home and read at night.

I have a day off today and I'm hanging out with my son. I'll nap when he naps. My cleaning lady will clean the house because I'm too tired and useless to do that. Our poor neglected dog gets maybe 4 walks per week (otherwise he just runs around the yard which I guess is fine). I rarely cook dinner, which I used to do every night and really like doing. I miss putting my son to bed at night.

Anyways, I think my point is that as an intern we are so overworked, mostly with total scut, that finding time to read when we also have a family that we miss is really hard. I have to believe things will get better.