Feeling tired and unsure of things. No one thing is wrong, just the toll on my sleep / time with daughter / husband / any time to myself at all is all really adding up right now.

On call Christmas Eve and New Years Eve. All those thoughts of getting to see my daughter wake up to her "first" (as a verbal toddler who knows anything about what's going on) Christmas... nope. Helping her make ornaments as presents for family? No way. This just doesn't feel like how this season is supposed to go.

How are others holding up?

Who says Christmas has to be on the 25th? Do it the next day! or the day before!!! She's a toddler, she doesn't know any better! Absolutely you should be there for her Christmas!!! Don't let internship and calendars ruin that for you.

I'm on call on New Year's Eve too, we can commiserate and yeah I'm tired and it's cold and it's dark, but I still enjoy it (most of the time).

Agree with Baby Einstein! Do christmas on whatever day you're home, your daughter won't know the difference

And don't feel bad about feeling tired and unsure. I had a month earlier this fall where I left every post call day and cried my whole drive home. And that was a lot of days that month... But that rotation ended and now being an intern isn't quite as bad. things will go up!

I am long out of internship but still remember those days. Really really focus on getting sleep, exercise, and eating healthy food-it's the only way. You should def reschedule any holiday for convenience-so true your daughter will have no idea. And even if she did-you and your husband make the decisions for your family-not the outside world. It's hard to hear it now-but you may actually miss these days of the incredibly steep learning curve, pushing yourself to the limit emotionally and physically, and the satisfaction of achieving. So hang in there and try to enjoy it----just like your child's childhood, it goes by fast and then it's gone forever.

AmmaMD, I can completely relate. My daugher is 18 months now. I'm in a great family-friendly program with terrific residents and attendings--it's really a fantastic program. But lately the past couple weeks-- intern year has started to catch up with me and I'm starting to feel rather miserable about it. Our program actually has a holiday schedule so eveyone gets 5 days off in a row either Christmas or New Years, which is great. Still, I'm just really wondering if this is what I want to be doing. I've completely lost all passion for medicine. I don't dread going to work, but I'm definitely not excited to be there. I'm not motivated to learn, I definitely don't read, I feel completely stupid about 90% of my work day. I am just really wondering if this was all a mistake, but then I stop because there's nothing I can really do about it--I'm stuck mostly because on my 250K of loans. There's not even anything else I'd rather be doing with my life--I am just really sick of waking up at 4am and getting home at 6 or later, having maybe 2 hours with my daughter (some nights don't see her at all when on long call)--and not even having time to do normal people things like pay my bills and go grocery shopping. I'm just burned out. My lack of enthusiasm is starting to show too which isn't good. I've always wanted to be great at what I do, and put 100% into it, but I don't care anymore--I'm just trying to get through it. Hopefully that will change at some point...

Hang in there you guys; life gets so, so, so much better after internship is over. My advice - which I know you won't take, because I wouldn't have - is to prioritize self care. Instead of picking your kid up early post-call, you really should sleep. On non-call days, go to bed immediately after your child. Etc. Fatigue does increase your risk for depression.

I can't remember the last time I read other than a lightning glance at Uptodate on call so I don't look like a complete fool on rounds the next day. I'm pretty sure haven't read outside of call/new admit since first month of internship. Oh yeah and I haven't felt smart since 2nd day of internship... And those seniors look/sound soooo smart! I feel there's no way I can know all this and be this confident in 6 months, but they tell me I'll be okay. Sigh.

Ammamd, I feel your pain. I cried last week for the first time at work. I just finished my 5call month out of the 6months we have been working. Not a day goes by that I don't wish I could just quit and have another baby! I miraculously got a week off at Christmas and am treasuring the morning when I get to see my two year old when sh e wakes up! They say it gets better, but I can't possibly imagine it to be true...next year for me it is 7 months of call instead of 9--doesn't sound a whole lot different.

Does anyone else feel like they are stuck in the movie groundhog day? The days are all the same-I just work and work some more....

Ditto to groundhog. Being an intern is like being an over-worked secretary. All I do is paper work, phone calls, and then more paper work. And in between we have a few lectures to remind me that I forgot 110% of any little bit of physiology that I ever learned in medical school. I'm pretty sure I'm the dumbest resident ever to go through my program--the problem is, I learned just enough to do ok on multiple choice tests because I'm not too bad at taking tests, and can think through a problem if I have 4 specific choices in front of me, but I can't tell you any physiology of any part of the body basically, because I can't remember anything. I can't concentrate on anything latetely, people talk and it all seems so fast I can't follow anything. I spend most of my day wondering if I'm going to be responsible for a kid dying because I feel so completely incompetent, and not in the typical intern-incompetent way that supposedly everyone feels. I know everyone says you feel like this intern year, but I watch my co-interns, and I am so far behind them in my basic science knowledge, it's not even funny. My heart is not in this any more. I miss my daughter and husband. I know I have so much I need to learn because I am behind, but I don't have any desire to spend my little free time reading. For example, I can't read an EKG to save my life. I'm in peds, and even though we don't do it regularly like say medicine, I need to be able to read an EKG. Or acid-base balance--something so fundamental that I just don't get. That's just two examples of the very fundamental things that I don't get. The third year medical students know more basic science than I do, and sure, they just finished two years of basic science, but I should not be looking like an idiot next to the third-year student. I guess I am realizing that I'm not nearly as academically minded or driven as I thought I was or used to be. I want a job that I can just show up, go through the motions, not have to think too much, and go home at a reasonable time to see my family--and that's definitely not medicine. I don't know how I got to the place I am because I used to be so focused and driven and motivated to learn. I just really don't care anymore. I know this is a complete ramble of nonsense, but I'm just at a loss. I don't really hate being a resident--what I hate is being a bad resident.

I've felt like that too docE. We had a second year med student yesterday shadowing an attending with our team who was asking specifics re: physio type stuff that I forgot LONG ago. It's impossible for me to come home and read at night.

I have a day off today and I'm hanging out with my son. I'll nap when he naps. My cleaning lady will clean the house because I'm too tired and useless to do that. Our poor neglected dog gets maybe 4 walks per week (otherwise he just runs around the yard which I guess is fine). I rarely cook dinner, which I used to do every night and really like doing. I miss putting my son to bed at night.

Anyways, I think my point is that as an intern we are so overworked, mostly with total scut, that finding time to read when we also have a family that we miss is really hard. I have to believe things will get better.

Aww! Hang in there, guys. Nov-Feb is always the worst part of the intern year. It's not new, the holidays were probably poignant at best, and you're still an intern.
I'm in psych-- so understand the context-- when my friends ask me about crazy patients or crazy things people do -- I reply that it's INTERN year that's crazy. This is a crazy thing to do. Not sleep, work odd hours, be responsible for more material than humanly knowable (b/c you never know what you'll need for the unknown patients you're picking up tomorrow), miss seeing your family grow, think you're more responsible for patients than you really are, and get, generally, very limited positive feedback. Did I mention the sleep deprivation and the sick patients? That, there, is CRAZY.
It's so much better later.

Find some dire excuse to go home before rounds post call and revel in a "stolen" few hours. Don't schedule your day off. Do something to feel like you have a little control.

DocE, if you really really think your knowledge isn't up to par, go talk to your program director (or whomever) 1) to get an objective opinion 2) if you're right, to get a program set up so you won't have so much anxiety about it.

good luck....

It. Gets. Better.
Sooo much better.
About this time last year, I stumbled across my med school personal essay. The idealistic and shiny intentions of the girl I was back then was a good touchpoint of reality for me. So was making a countdown on my holiday app and planning a vacation for the end of the block/wards/year/whatever.

An intern struggling with fundamentals is no stranger to program directors, attendings, senior level residents, or med students - we have all been there, or will be. Find your knowlege gaps and fill them - you don't need to find extra time to study, fit it into your day - tell your senior what you want to learn and make them teach you. You'll learn it better than you would on your own and they'll be glad to share what they only recently learned themselves

Hang in there, guys. You're more than halfway done. Hugs to all, and remember this feeling a year from now when you're the senior!

Thank you everyone!!! I've checked in a couple of times on this thread and been comforted by the responses, even though I didn't have time to answer then....

My mood / level of hope about things has gone up and down since I last posted. We did Christmas split up into segments (trying to accommodate my schedule as well as that of a family member) and it was lovely. Also - and this is what docE's comments made me think of when I read them - I got feedback from one of the attendings I really admire at the end of a couple of weeks from him, and in between a whole list of things I should improve, he commented "but of course your fund of knowledge is fantastic, so..." (something about how that wasn't the explanation for why I was too passive in certain contexts). Anyways, I was so shocked and confused by the statement that I made him go back and clarify - had he really said my fund of knowledge was good? Since, umm, I lie awake at night worrying that I seem to know way less than all the other interns. Anyways, I felt a little like a shipwrecked sailor being thrown a flask of cool, fresh water after weeks of thirst, hearing a solidly positive statement - and it made me realize just how much I miss positive feedback, and how little of it we really get. Even when, apparently, people actually do think we do some things ok sometimes.

And then I switched services again entirely and once again look like a total idiot every day. But, at least on this service the hours are better, and I've gotten home before my daughter falls asleep every single day!

The "exercise" front is the next one I think I should tackle. It seems impossible. But I'm trying to at the very least do all those things I tell patients to do to increase their activity level - always take the stairs... walk a 20minute walk if the alternative is a 10min wait for a 10min bus ride... suggest we play "dance party!" instead of reading when spending time with my daughter... whatever I can think of. I feel like such a wuss compared with the pre-baby me who could run a 10k 4x/wk and lift weights on my off days... but... heck, it's got to be better than nothing, right?

Anyways, thanks again, guys, for all the support. It's really helped.

So I was all happy and motivated and 'isn't it great to learn' until I came back from my few days off for Christmas, and since then it's been an all-time low. I feel like there has never been a more stupid intern. I have yet to call a consult without missing a critical piece of information. I'm SO SLOW and inefficient. I just cannot interpret blood gases if you just throw the numbers at me and give me 2 seconds. I need to see things written down and think things through! I forgot the most basic med-student level medicine. Am I really supposed to know the baseline O2 or the 20 meds for each of the patients I cross-cover? Am I ever going to have that kind of memory? And mock codes? Just shoot me. Worst part is, now I'm getting really scared of no longer being an intern. 6 months and I'm supervising interns? OMG. And I feel like all the other interns are "getting it" and are so much more assertive and confident. I don't know that they're much better off than me, but they sure look like it! It helps to read that I'm not the only one going through this. Oh and docE, I'm with you: what I hate is being a bad resident... and a bad mother in the process. I often wonder why I spend so much time away from my kids for something I'm so awful at.

Baby Einstein, I was reading your post and thought that maybe I had written it and didn't remember doing it! Blood gases! aaahhhhhh----I sort of get them, if you give me 10 mins to think about it, but totally cannot interpret them in the 0.5 seconds I'm given to glance at them and spit out an answer.

I've been avoiding reading my evals recently because I got one from a fellow that said I seemed "un enthusiastic"...well it was from NICU, so OF COURSE I was un enthusiastic!!! Who gets excited about NICU? ANd then got a crappy eval from a new attending on ED that I had personal issues with and perhaps most of the eval was personal, but it really put me in a funk for weeks. But today I decided to just suck it up and read the last couple, and surprisingly they were quite positive. Granted, they were from a fellow and attending who I didn't have any teaching/ knowlege contact with, they were mostly impressed with my timeliness in discharging patients, having all the dumb paperwork together, being organized, and professional, etc. Then it occurred to me--I should have been a secretary!! I would be great at that! In fact, I AM great at that because that's what I do all day that I'm great at. Uuuuuuggggghhhhhh. I'm not feeling quite as miserable as I was a couple weeks ago, but I cannot possibly fathom how I will be even 10% as smart as some of the attendings one day (or even the 3rd year residents for that matter!)

Thanks baby E for the commiseration....I know everyone says it will get better, but that doesn't seem to help much. It does help to know that I'm not the only one feeling like an idiot 99% of my day (even my fellow interns who claim to feel as dumb as me are definitely more knowledgable)....I do remember a time when I felt really smart (it was probably in high school!!!!!)--geez I wish I could feel like that again!

Dear interns - I too was in your shoes. Intern year was miserable and the doldrum months of January - March were the worst!

Just know that next year will be better. I never dreamed it would be, but it is. Blissfully better. I believe that having a horrendous intern year makes your 2nd year that much better. The stark contrast helps a bunch.

docE - its important to accept that once you think you know everything (and no longer have the "am I an idiot for not knowing this?" insecurity), then you will have transcended to becoming dangerous. Even the top of the top experts feel that on a daily basis. Its this insecurity that keeps us reading. It keeps us motivated to learn, even when we're done with training. And it is what keeps patients safe. Recognizing that you don't know everything is critical to becoming a good doctor. Accepting that you never will is the essence of physicianhood.

I wanna QUIIIIIIIIITTTTT! buy a one way ticket to Polynesia and never ever come back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know everyone has said it, and it probably doesn't help to hear it again, but it really, really, REALLY does get better. Being so freaking stupid all the damn time is demoralizing. Exhausting. And that's *exactly* what gets better. Over time, the blood gases and EKGs are absolutely second nature. The critically ill patient, actively trying to die, not so stressful. I promise!

I was in the ICU last month, the CCU this month. I'm pushing 80 hours a week. Objectively, my life right now is exactly as bad as intern year. But there's no comparison in terms of the strain on my spirit. This is a piece of cake compared to internship.

Thanks for the encouragent! I suppose we have no choice but to believe it . I am dreading 3 months of medicine call yet. yuck.

My husband and I have already planned our, "congratulations to us, we survived intern year" trip to Italy! And my mom offered to watch our toddler! It is truly the only thing that keeps me going on the long winter months!

We went to Italy last year too, but we brought the kiddo. Wonderful.

@Baby Einstein - How are you holding in there? Things any better today?

You guys are getting there. End of Jan/Feb was the hardest time for me as in intern. You will get there. You will get there. To drown is to be an intern. You don't realize how much you're learning as you're just trying to keep your head above water. But you will get there, and it will be ok.

I drowned as an intern. I was pitifully slow, thought I didn't know anything, never exercised, and don't actually remember an entire weekend when my parents came down to visit. (Ah, a "golden weekend." I apparently slept through it.)

By second year, I had more time, actually read some (still, not much... heh. Not much at all!) By my senior year, I was running half-marathons and had never been in such good physical shape, I kid you not. I still didn't read enough.

And now, I'm an attending wimp who complains when I work more than 140 hours a month. (I did 240/month as in intern in my ER) Granted, I had no life and was just trying to survive, but if I could do it, so can you.

Hang in there,
D

Haha- attendings are wimps! How quickly they forget what it was like....

It's SPRING! It's almost June! It's almost PGY-2!!! And vacation is coming up!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am at at a low again. I should be happy-- I go on non-call Saturday and have the next four weekends off. But I can't stop thinking what is the point, I am just going to have to go back to work again Monday....and tuesday and so on. And so forth.

I just came off nights and it was rough on my daughter since she didn't see me for nearly a week. I had a day off afterward and every time I left her sight she got teary eyed and said, mama I don't want you to go to work. It made my heart hurt.

How are you all dealing with these things?

I had weeks like that, but at least my son was young enough at that time (8-10 months) that he didn't really notice (I think). At least, he couldn't tell me about it like your daughter... which would have killed me

do you have any vacation coming up? I was at a low a couple weeks ago but vaca started monday and I'm feeling revived already! Just a few more months of internship!

I too am at a low. New to the board, but have been following. I am PGY 2, with about a year and a half left of EM because of time out during pregnancy. I have two gorgeous 1 year old girls. Is really painful. I hate leaving the raising of my children to other people. I hate that I don't have time to cook them the healthy organic meals I want them to eat. i hate that I am not there to make sure they get to nap enough. And I really really hate that when i am there I feel so tired and all the time. thank you all for sharing your lives on this board. Makes me feel so not alone.

I am writing from my hotel on a much much needed vacation. It always seems just when I am about to crumble there appears a light at the end of the tunnel! I wish i didn't have to get to that point though! It is so nice to have a chance to reconnect with my hubby's and kiddo.

babyl, once when I was in my 2nd year of residency my daughter's daycare class had a board up of pictures they made all "About my mom". Things like my mom bakes cookies, my mom smells good, etc. My daughter's said "my mommy goes to work". I literally cried in the hallway of the daycare and again at the hospital when I thought about it. I am finally recovering from it 5 years later, and I am certain that she does not even remember it. You will get through this, your kids will be fine, and life will be wonderful someday. It will. You have to believe this.

And Match Day was awesome!!! Hello new interns! Rumors are true, we will not be interns forever; as a matter of fact, they already have found our replacements. And said replacements are excited and can't wait to start. If only they knew what they are getting into...

ha, so true baby einstein! I think back to this time last year and how excited I was to start. What a change a year makes! I am glad to be a doctor but I am even more glad to be almost done with intern year!

@babylove, resident mom: my (almost 2yo) daughter the other day was explaining to someone that we were going home to HER apartment - not mommy's or daddy's apartment. Amused, I asked where I lived - and was told "At WORK!" She was quite sure of this. Ouch!

But, now, just a couple month's later, she still likes to make a big deal of how it's her apartment - but at least she now reports that we live here, too. And the other day she very proudly announced that when she is a daddy she will go to work, too. And then went right back to playing her current all time favorite game: stuffed-animal doctor. She gets really upset if anyone tries to do a stuffed-animal exam and leaves out "check refexes!"

On the light now: YES!! This is helping!!

& I second the welcome to the new interns!

So today I started a new rotation. I'm doing what is essentially a transitional year - some surgery, some medicine, etc. This was my first day of peds since forever ago. Inpatient peds. On the day we had a hospital-wide transition to EPIC (the EMR). With the other intern on the team post-call. And the junior resident with afternoon clinic. It was chaos.

I felt like the patient care aspect of our day was severely lacking. All we did was try to figure out the electronic order and admission system! Things got lost. We didn't know where to find labs and radiology studies. At least my senior resident was awesome. And our med students were amazing too.

Here's to hoping that tomorrow is better and I get home before 8pm to put my son to bed... ugh

(sorry, just needed to vent)

Also, my husband is on call tonight

OK, enough whining. Time for some actual wine

Okay, I did just finish so I'm not a resident anymore, but I'm really close. Here's some shocking INSPIRING feedback my totally precocious 8 year old (i.e. very verbal very early, so I figured she'd have early memories galore) on my husband's overnight call the other night:

Mommmy, I hope you never have to work overnight like that.
Me, well, sweetie, not all doctors do....
her: do psychiatrists?
Me, well, usually, only during training.
her: eyes wide, "Did you used to do that????"

I was flabbergasted, really -- with some prompts she remembered my MIL sleeping over a lot... so she had the memories, but they weren't about being neglected or missing me, clearly. :-) ( I suppressed to the urge to say, don't you remember I missed your first birthday when I was just a med student???")

wow, that is reassuring! thanks

Just wanted to thanks to everyone!! For the kind words, the hang in there's, the I understand your misery.....thanks!!!!!

2 more weeks of being an intern and things are looking up! ( as you all said they would...)