Hi Everyone- This site has been a great support to me during a recently stressful time. Last week I made a huge decision and wanted to get some feedback from other mom-mds.

I'll try to simplify a very complicated situation: I only have 17 months left of OBGYN residency. However, my situation has been so stressful that I found I was not able to function well as a resident, a mother or a wife. I am in a dual physician marriage (husband also a resident). We each commute in separate directions. My commute was recently made worse by a merger (sometimes 1.5hours each way.) We have two young children. To date our three-year-old's childcare has consisted of four daycares, three au-pairs, a nanny and occasional family members from the other side of the country. I have noticed some behavioral problems that I think largely result from his inconsistent childcare. We are in a ridiculous amount of debt from student loans, living expenses, childcare, medical bills, etc. My pregnancy last year was very difficult and I was put on bedrest for the last two months. I had a very hard time adjusting when I went back to work because of the new merger/longer commute, negative resident attitudes, breastfeeding, increased demands of my husbands job, and probably some PPD. I took an extra month of leave after returning to work because I was so overwhelmed. However, this used all of my vacation. After working for five months straight after returning with no hopes of a day off for an additional five months, I just couldn't do it anymore. We have no family in the area and although a couple of family members have helped watch the kids on occasion, they are no longer in a position to do so. I requested a 4-5 month leave to try to work out some of these issues. However, it has become apparent that the my program director is not overtly supportive of this and my HR department is very reluctant to authorize this leave. Thus, it is evolving into a resignation.

My husband and I have already met with a bankruptcy attorney. We really do not want to go this route but may have no choice. Although BK does not change student debt, our unsecured debt is unmanageable without me working. As it was, we weren't able to pay our mortgage or the daycare for the last couple of months.

I have spent the last week with my children and have loved every minute of it! I feel human again. I have struggled so much over the last few years and have missed out on so much of their lives. Although I would like to stay home, I don't think we can afford this- even if we declare BK. I have applied to some urgent care jobs which would offer better hours and pay. I really do love my specialty and hope that I can finish at some point (perhaps after my husband finishes his training.) I have worked so hard to get here. But right now, I need to focus on my mental, physical and emotional health. I also really need to spend some time with my husband and would like to give my kids the childhood that they deserve.

Thanks for letting me get a lot off my chest. Any suggestions/advise/encouragement/prayers would be appreciated!

I'm really sorry for what you are going through. Resigning from a specialty that you love must have been a very difficult decision. Is there any way that you could transfer to another program instead, maybe one that is more family-friendly? It sounds like the people at your program (residents and administrators) have not been very supportive.

On the other hand, it seems that OB is not a very family-friendly specialty. It seems that almost everybody hates, hates, hates the lifestyle after residency and its effect on their families. Maybe that would still be an issue if you returned to it in a few years (your husband would not be in residency anymore, but he would still be a physician, working long hours, and your children would still need attention). Would another specialty be more consistent with your goals for your family? Or would your husband be willing to slow down his own career during the time that you need to work long hours?

I hope you are able to get back on your feet financially by working in urgent care. Being able to pay the bills and even save some money will give you a lot more options. I hope everything works out.

I don't have a much time to respond, so sorry for the brief reply. If it were me, I would try to push the program to work with me. I would hate for you to give up the 2+ years of effort you have already put in to your residency and start from scratch. You may be able to get some credit for your time, if you do another residency. If it's a while before you do a residency again, I don't know if you will get any credit. It sounds like you really need an advocate. Is there anyone in your program or another physician who you think would advocate for you? I don't think you have a lot to lose and potentially a lot to gain, if you can find a compromise that will work for you and allow you to continue in some way. Regardless of what you do, I think completing any residency will give you more options.

I'm sorry for what you are going through.

Try looking into FP programs, many are family friendly and many have lots of opportunity to practice OB, some even offer a 1 yr fellowship to be trained in CSections. This would offer more options as far as work arrangements when you are done.

Hi Beachdream. I cannot imagine the stress you must be going through, but I just had to write to tell you you're not alone. I am in a very similar situation and have been going through many of the same struggles as you, albeit to a lesser degree.

I, too, am an ob resident married to another resident (surgery). We moved thousands of miles away from family and friends for residency, but consciously made the decision to start a family before completing our training. Our first baby was born almost a year ago. Fortunately, our families have been extremely supportive, traveling several times a year to stay with us so that our daughter would not have to be placed in daycare (which of course is not an option secondary to our horrendous work hours). I knew having a baby during residency would be challenging, but I never expected that I would want to stay home. There is a lot of self-pity... just telling people that I spend 30 minutes a day with my daughter brings tears to my eyes. What kind of mother spends only 30 minutes a day with her daughter?! I feel torn between trying to be "the best" resident (that's all I've known until now) and "the best" mom (I'm pretty sure I'm doing a terrible job in that arena). Everyone tells me she's young, she doesn't know any better, but I can't help but worry about the implications this kind of parenting will have in her future. I have not had a vacation in 1.5yrs because of my maternity leave, which was 8 weeks. Additionally, the weekends off are few and far between because my "class" lost a resident at the beginning of our 3rd year and never found a replacement. I am exhausted.

So here I am, living the dream, doing exactly what I said I'd be doing since I was 5 years old, and I'm not happy. In fact, I don't think I know any ob moms who are truly happy, but that's a different topic altogether... It's been "go! go! go!" for as long as I can remember. I've never taken any time off, just kept jumping through the hoops to achieve my dream, proving to everyone that I could do anything if I wanted it badly enough. Having a baby brought everything to a screeching halt. All of a sudden I'm realizing that I'm jealous of my SAHM friends. And sure, I've achieved a lot. But my priorities have realigned. What was my passion is now just a job. I have a new passion now.

So my situation is as follows: I finish residency in June and have family to help out with childcare until then. My husband finishes the following June. We have an enormous amount of debt from student loans x2 and our house payment. The real estate market is so bad that we're pretty sure we won't get back what we bought the house for a few years ago. Everyone on earth is asking me what I'm doing next year and I don't know what to tell them. My husband and I think that we may be able to scrape by next year without me working if I can put my loans into forbearance again. Alternatively, I could get some sort of job for 1yr (we will be moving after my husband graduates) just to pay the bills, but I honestly can't imagine being happy in that situation either. I have no idea what to do.

I wish I could offer you advice, but as you can see, I'm in the same boat. But for what it's worth, I am sending you all the support in the world. This is a unique situation we've found ourselves in. And despite the criticism we face, we still have just as much of a right to nurture our families as our non-physician counterparts. Life is too short. I wish you all the best.

I really wish I didn't understand how you were feeling, but I do. My husband is not a resident, in fact he is a SAHD, but he is not exactly loving being at home. I want so much to quit residency to stay at home with my kids for many of the same reasons you describe. Everyone keeps telling me it will get better, but I am not even sure that I care about medicine any more. My kids mean everything to me.

For now, I am going to try and keep pushing through residency. I don't have a choice because my husband is unemployed and we have the only my income. My kids are old enough to cry when I leave home, but not old enough to rationalize why I am gone for so much of the time. It breaks my heart. I have to believe that somehow, someway, it will be worth it. That my work now is simple: to overcome this barrier called residency that will open up our ticket to financial freedom. I grew up in poverty, and I want to do for my children what my parents wanted to do for me.

I hope that I will be able to survive residency, only time will tell. I will send you lots of positive thoughts and prayers as you take your journey, whatever it ends up being. Don't let anyone think that they know what is best for you and your family. You need to do what is best for you because only you and your family will ultimately live with the decision.

Good luck and lots of hugs.

Oh goodness, beachdream. Your post and others sound so much like me when I was a resident. I had my son third year of OB residency and it was like the world started spinning on a different axis. Nothing was ever the same again. Unlike you, I had been somewhat unhappy with my specialty choice but then became even more unhappy. I finished residency thinking surely it would get better when I finished the program and started out in private practice. Wrong. I was miserable. I was in a group practice until earlier this year and am no longer with the group, it was just not a good fit. I am exploring other options but I am in a huge financial mess.

I really don't know what advice to give you except that if I did it all again (but still got the same two awesome kids I have) I would have gotten myself out of OB in 3rd or 4th year and gone for another residency right away. Because of funding for residency positions the earlier you switch the better, since the Medicaid residency funding for you having started in OBGYN will be 4 years. Other specialties will like that you will have some funding still left to support you as a resident. Plus, you, like all OB residents as I understand it, did half of an "intern year," and those 6 months of primary care/ICU/IM service you did should count for half of an intern year in certain programs (FP, IM, etc).

Beachdream, Can you update us? Have you made any new decisions about what you are going to do? Did you go the urgent care route?

SingJoy and Mammadoc, I am with you! SingJoy, do you plan on a year off and then returning to OBGYN?

I am still in the job search but I don't just don't have my whole heart in it. I am debating a different residency, too.

Good luck to all of you who are looking for a better fit. We have to think positive and assume the right thing will come along. And enjoy the time we have with our kids each day, whether it is 5 minutes or all day.

You guys-I feel for all of you.....it sounds like you are totally exhausted and beaten down-please please don't make hasty decisions! Remember all of the years you put into getting where you are-you are so close! Another residency may be the ticket-FP, IM, ER, preventive medicine....and you could get credit for 'time served' if you will....

Can any of you find mentors where you are at? Sounds like you need some attending mentors that you can speak frankly with...and remember, if you stay in OB, YOU are the future of OB-if there are enough of you, maybe things will change?

Becco,

I was very close to deciding to take that year off, and then I got some advice from a thread I posted on here a few weeks back. It made me take a step back and realize that getting back into this field after leaving may not be as easy as everyone would have me think. Sure, there are days when I feel that I just don't care if I go back to work ever again, but the fact that I'm not positive about this decision leads me to agree with the advice: working part-time is better than nothing at all. I have been offered a part-time (3 nights/week) laborist position without a tail at a hospital I know well. It seems like a perfect fit for me for the next year, but no final plans have been made yet.

I'm sorry that I dropped off the face of the earth! I appreciate all of your replies and support! Since I first wrote, I did in fact resign from residency. The amount of freedom and relief that I felt over the next couple of months was insurmountable. I was offered the urgent care position through a locum group and have worked there approx 3-4 12 hour shifts per week. I thought that I would be extremely bored with UC but in fact, I have really enjoyed it. Even more, I have enjoyed being a mom and even though I am technically working full-time, it's nothing compared to residency. I will admit, I do miss delivering babies! I am also in a much better financial situation- we caught up on our mortgage, refinanced, and have started to pay off some of our personal and unsecured debt. My relationship with my husband has improved a lot and he has been doing better in residency. The behavioral problems that I was worried about with my kids are improving- in fact my almost 4-year-old is FINALLY staying dry throughout the day!

Overall, I'm very happy with my decision. I do occasionally feel some regret about leaving residency and can't help but feel like I failed. Also, my UC job isn't permanent and though I get a lot of positive feedback, wonder if I will be replaced by a board-certified doc. At any rate, it is temporary and I hope that I am able to complete my training after my husband finishes residency. This said, I am also terrified of going back (I think I have developed some residency PTSD!) Also, I am now contemplating doing FP instead. When I was a med student all of my preceptors said it was a good fit for me. Your advise on this forum resonates with me. I do love the OR and wonder if I would be OK without it. At least I could still do some obstetrics. The lifestyle seems MUCH better than OBGYN and now that I have done UC for a few months I think it might be a good fit.

Anyway, thank you all for reading and good luck to you in your journeyes as mommds. Remember to trust in the Lord and be good to yourself!