wow-i just found the right board. (caveat-I am not a mom yet! i am a newlywed who wants to have a child, but i absolutely know these will be issues if I keep working, because they are already issues without kids.)
how can non-physician men be so insensitive?? my husband is the same way and not only does it infuriate me, it's so hurtful. he works 8-4:30 and i get the jokes about him never seeing his wife. ok, that's fine. but then when I am exhausted, and so stressed because I am trying to work and keep our house clean, he acts like I am crazy for being stressed out. 'Why are you worrying?' --well because i am the only one who does laundry, cleaning, etc! and when I ask him to do things, he will do them but only after grumbling. i don't think he knows how much the grumbling hurts. i wish i had time to just do it myself, too! I don't want to have to ask my husband to fold laundry. but if i ask, it means i really need the help. and he just doesn't get that.
and the sleep thing. i could cry over that. i HAVE cried over it!
WHY IS IT SO F_ING HARD TO COMPREHEND THAT IF I WORK ALL NIGHT I NEED TO SLEEP?????!!!! WHERE DO YOU GET OFF MAKING FUN OF ME FOR 'SLEEPING ALL THE TIME'?? I'm sorry for the caps. i just think you ladies are probably the only ones who really understand the anger there. whew! that felt good to get off my chest
needless to say. . i am hesitant to bring a child into the mix, even though i really want one. i'll be 30 in a few months. any thoughts/ advice are appreciated.

Welcome, hellorebecca! Congratulations on your recent marriage, but I'm sorry it is not very harmonious at the present time. It definitely sounds like there are some issues to be worked out before you decide whether to bring a baby into the mix, such as his contributions to domestic chores and his insensitivity (to put it mildly) about your need for sleep. Both chores and need for sleep will be even bigger issues after a baby is born, as I'm sure you know!



It sounds like you already have doubts about whether you will be able to keep working after having a child. Some of us have quit working for various periods of time to take care of children, but I can tell you that it is very difficult to go back after having quit. Professionally, it is much better to work a little bit than to quit. (And professionally, it is much better to have a supportive husband!)

If you can afford it, hire a cleaner, hire a lawn service, etc. The expense is often worth the trade in sanity, in my opinion. And counseling might not be a bad option for you 2 to get on the same page. Welcome to MomMD!

I second residentmom's suggestion- hire out whatever you can!! We work too hard. If you like to clean/care for your lawn/etc, go for it. but if not, having it taken care of can be a huge weight off an already stressed system.

I truly wish we could afford for one of us to stay home full time. I wish it was me! but my earning potential is a lot higher. My husband is a teacher with summers off, and when I am off on vacation or when he is off for the summer, life is good! Caring for a family and home is truly a full time job. Having two full time jobs (especially if one is a doctor job:) and a family is like trying to fit 3 full time jobs into a 2 adult family. I can't even begin to comprehend how single moms do it.

hellorebecca- I second someone's suggestion for counselling! that is not meant as a judgement of your relationship, as I recognize that I know nothing about your relationship from just reading your short post- but my husband and I went to counselling a few years ago and it saved our marriage. or at least it made us both overall happy in our marriage. it certainly is not perfect, but my husband did not possess the ability to see things from my perspective prior to counselling, and now he is learning to do that a bit. recently he has started to be much more supportive and understanding of my need for sleep, and even just for a little me time. I think it is great for any couple. I actually would be happy to keep going, but we just don't have time anymore. I really enjoyed the process, and the rewards for us have been substantial.

thanks for those who chimed in on my post!
you're right that we should probably go to counseling. i think we would both be a little embarassed just because we are mental health care providers ourselves--he is a psychologist who supervises a large staff, and I am a psychiatry resident. i have done individual therapy on my own but somehow it is just more humbling to admit that your marriage needs help. we will be married a year in February, and things are great when they're great (when I have lots of weekends off in a row, etc) and BAD when they're bad.
i think the best thing I can probably do for our marriage is to finish this year of residency! i am a 3rd year, and next year there is no call, it is supposedly easier than most post-residency jobs. Of course, that's also when I'd ideally like to have a baby. . but we do need to work on these communication issues first.
Given that I'm in psych, though, some of the stuff we struggle with will just be a moot point when this year is over. . .if I never want to take call again, I don't have to. I know there are only 7 months till July, but when it comes to the marriage, it can't come fast enough!
Thanks for letting me vent. It's so great to find this board.

Except for parenting a young child, when every night is a call night!

I agree. I totally don't want to be a dour voice, but... unless you're planning to cut way back on your hours at that point and are fine with doing most of the domestic work yourself... it seems unlikely to just go away. Kids just have a way of pushing even the most 50-50-workload obsessed couples away from that for quite a while, so if you're already struggling with these issues, they really might be worth hashing out now. I say from the perspective of having gone through the pre-kids to post-kids transition during my medical/residency training as well - where even with a husband who was really really determined to do his share and more, it was HARD.

I'd agree with (1) hire out anything you can afford to, and (2) try therapy! It seems like both being in mental health is actually the perfect excuse - our program (I'm also psych) pushes hard for us to try out different forms of therapy ourselves. Could you sell it as dual purpose?

Also, welcome to MomMD!! I hope you continue to weigh in!

I will say that my marriage problems came to a head once I finished residency and moved into the "real life" phase - and realized that things were broken beyond repair. We had been in counseling for years, and I am so grateful that there were no children involved when I left.

Sorry to add my 2 cents late...
I was in a very similar situation. I met my husband when I was 16. After 8 years of roller coaster dating, we married. Throughout the marriage he was embittered and difficult. He often withheld financial information regarding household bills and was annoyed regarding my schedule. He also limited my social interactions with friends and family. I had known nothing other than him, so I didn't recognize the "red flags" of domestic violence- non physical.
We had 3 children during our 8 year marriage. I was accepted into a prestigious fellowship that would open numerous doors in the prospective future. He was not supportive and tried to talk me out of taking it. I ended up moving to do my fellowship without my family (very painful). Luckily it was a commutable distance- only 2 hours or so. I was home almost every weekend and at least once during the week. Once out from under the thumb of my spouse, I realized that things were terribly wrong in our relationship. I sought counseling with and individual therapist and marriage counselor with my husband. They were all clear that unless there was a dramatic change, we would end up divorced. My husband was livid! He stopped counseling and became more immovable with his attitude towards our relationship.
I filed for divorce at the end of fellowship. He made my life a living hell for the next 2-2 1/2 years. He fought me in court for 11 months for everything- full custody of the kids, the house, alimony, & child support (he didn't win).
All that being said, I would highly recommend counseling sooner instead of later. If your spouse is uninterested or unwilling, at least get it for yourself. It may identify what issues clearly need to be dealt with vs. your reactions to things. Also, people with the type of reactions your husband has often have self-esteem issues which lead them to justify their behavior.
If you do go the route of dissolution of marriage, protect yourself- collect financial information, document important conversations, and maintain good records about interactions/finances. That type of data saved me in the end.

Hi multitasker,

I'm sorry for your situation.

Does your husband have any good traits left? What are they? What originally did you see in him when you both met that attracted you to him?

Med school and residency are incredibly hard on the best relationships. I bet, in part, your husband has been having difficulty adjusting to the "loss of you". Obviously, as you said, relationships are multi-layered and I'm sure most aspects are hard to write down and even harder to comment on in an impersonal forum.

Just the sheer challenge of raising kids is difficulty and stressful enough. Then adding med school and residency on top of that. In theory, it seems almost impossible.

Definitely agree with counseling. There may be so much resentment built up now that a neutral territory and mediator is the only way to get the communication lines open effectively.

Good luck.