Not sure how to start this message other than by saying my marriage stinks and I don't know how to fix it! And that I'm looking for a counselor who can help us. Anyone else have advice?

Relationships are complex and there are layers to our problems. But, what rises to the top at this point is a general lack of respect by my husband. He does not support my career choice (I was not an MD when we married). Does not respect medicine in general. Hates the way my work impacts our lives. Does not want his life/career to be inconvenienced by my call schedule, my work, our children. Pressured about financial issues but somehow expects me to pay back loans while working but not so much that I can't also run the household and be the primary caregiver for our children. Yes, he put up with my medical school training/residency. But, I put up with his bitching every step of the way. Sounds like a real prince, I know.

I think the hardest part for me it communicating day to day. He is very confrontational and gets his way by yelling. Gets frustrated, then yells at me and our kids. I'm not a yeller. I talk, empathize, negotiate. I'm up at 3 am writing this because I'm so upset I can't sleep. Yesterday was my son's birthday and my husband was grouchy. My son walked up to us and said "new rule, no yelling on my birthday." I don't want to keep on living like this.

I'm bright, hardworking, a really nice person. And I am good at problem solving, finding my way through things. But I'm at a loss here. I've thought countless times about ending it but there is always that hope (for the kids and all of us) that things will be better when residency is over, after the kids reach a less demanding stage, when work settles down etc.

I know the qoute that no one can treat you without respect without you letting them. But, how does a person command respect? And do I even want it at this point? How do I get him to quit yelling? I've asked him to stop and he temporarily does, then it returns to his now normal baseline. He is such a load and I'm sick of propping him up (ie supporting his need for exercise, spending time with friends, etc) just to get him through our lives. He acts so priveledged, as if I have to apologize for bringing children and a career into our marriage and therefore disrupting his otherwise calm and perfect life.

What am I supposed to do with this?!

I am not qualified to give advice about this situation, but I just want to say (((hugs))) to you and your kids. And I agree with your son about no yelling on birthdays.

Hey there,
With all due respect, that sounds like verbal abuse. Not to mention, some economic abuse. (Yes, it exists, and is a common theme in abusive relationships.) I don't mean to come across harshly, but I'm gonna throw this out there.

I was married to an alcoholic for 11 years. It took me several years to realize there was a problem, but even longer for me to realize that there was not a damn thing I could do about it. I ultimately left. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done, but I couldn't live like that anymore. We went to 3 different counselors in 3 different cities over 8 years. He accused me of giving up.

I learned that I couldn't change him, and I couldn't make him stop drinking. I couldn't make him stop spending. I couldn't make him do ANYTHING - he had to make that decision. But I could decide what I wanted, and it was not the life I was living.

I had decided long ago that I wasn't going to be bringing any children into that marriage, and I'm very glad I didn't. No one wants to be divorced, but there are worse things than divorce. (And I am still celebrating mine - it's been final for 8 months, but took nearly a year to procure.)

I would definitely start with counseling, and I apologize for the negativity, but you're getting my very jaded view of marriage. (And mine was terrible.)

I still spend a lot of time on a support-group BB as I'm still recovering from the impact. And one of the questions frequently tossed out there is "What are YOU getting out of this marriage?" And so I pose the same to you. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership...

Just my 2c.
My story is on here somewhere in the archives. (it's a massive 8 page thread titled "Sigh, long late night" or something like that, where I came here to vent as well.)
Good luck, and I hope I didn't offend you,
Danielle

Multitasker- I am so sorry for what you are going through. It must be crazy the level of stress that you are under being a mom, physician & in this turbulent relationship. I agree with the other posters that if you want to save your marriage that you should try counseling. I just sense from your posting that there is a lot of resentment on your side and your husband's as well. This may make it harder to salvage the relationship. I suspect that your husband resents your career & thought he signed up for something different. As for the end of residency making things easier that may not be the case- some attendings work harder and longer than residents. I do think that he is being unreasonable with his expectations, but with that being said-- it is difficult being married to a physician. When I was single I never understood the men who had issues with my career & hours, but now being married to another physician who has more demanding hours than I do I can understand their perspective. I'm not saying your husband is right or that he's going about it the right way, but he may not feel that he is getting your attention & yelling may be the only way he knows how to communicate. Is he willing to see a counselor? Is he open to change? I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. Please stay strong for yourself & your children.

You poor thing. This situation reminds me of a former colleague. Husband was abusive with his power plays and in other ways (don't want to give too much detail, in case this is recognizable.) She was the doctor, mother, primary breadwinner, ran the household, while he dabbled as a business owner. He didn't like to pay taxes, so she worked her a$$ off every spring to make extra money to pay his taxes, since he didn't/wouldn't plan for that. But he was inconvenienced by her actually having to work. As a shift worker, she tried all kinds of options, nights, every other day, rapid flips to days, all sorts of variations to make him happy. Nothing made him happy. She finally gave him the boot. He put her in an impossible situation, while reaping the benefits that he would never acknowledge. He was NOT a good father, or husband, and I found him very unpleasant to be around, as many people who met him seemed to.

I hope she is happy now. It IS harder to be a woman doctor, and he made it 10x harder than it needed to be. It went on too long, since her accommodations became enabling- again the alcoholic analogy.

Hi multitasker. I am sorry your husband is not supportive of you. You are in such a hard place anyway, trying to be good mother while you are a medical resident. You deserve and need support from your most significant other. I am not saying your marriage is hopeless, only you can decide this. Counseling (individual and couples) will help you know what to do. Maybe in counseling your husband can reach a new place. Many many marriages have been saved this way. Thank you for reaching out to us. Many of us have been in the same place you are. Please keep us posted.

Multitasker - that stinks. I feel very uncomfortable talking about this subject in an unlocked forum, but... I just want to say that I think this is a huge issue for lots and lots of women in medicine (check out the stats in the book "The Medical Marriage" if you want some perspective!). The counselling idea is a great one. And in the meantime, one thing that I feel like it's easy for me to forget is that our society is surprisingly unsupportive of men who are married to someone in our profession. NOT that that excuses bad behavior, but....

Thanks everyone for the support. One day at a time.

Hey! Good to see you on here still. I have the more optimistic perspective of someone whose marriage benefited significantly from counseling. We had very different expectations of partnership, and very different communication styles... which led to a lot of conflict a lot of the time. Give that 7 years of old resentments from poor communication, and I'm sure you can imagine the dynamic that was developing. When I started med school I wasn't able to deal with the added time and stress of trying to deal with him anymore, and it just got worse.

Clearly we both had to work at the relationship - and still do - but just showing up to counseling, demonstrating that we cared enough to be there and get some advice, and really trying to understand each other and find other ways to do things made a lot of difference.

I know in some situations that won't do it, but in ours, it made a significant change. Sorry you're in this situation - but I hope it improves soon!

I do think that there are always two sides of the coin for any marriage. I know it may be hard for you to see your husband's point of view, but hopefully with counceling and better communication, you will be able to rekindle your romance and find what you two shared before.

If you are into self help books, I really like stuff by John Gottman. Pretty scientific and written for an educated audience.

Good luck to you.