You know, you came here looking for advice. Not the other way around. Granted, it gets tiring to hear the same story over and over, and that generates some curt remarks.

Lashing out that no one really "knows" you from your limited posting while berating every one else's parenting choices doesn't really endear you to this forum and want us to help you. If the amount of time a mother spends with her child is an indicator alone of parenting skills, then by golly we wouldn't have serial killers with stay at home moms, then, would we?

Can we please get past this petty line of superiority on your part?

Now, you came here looking for advice, (and you do take it seriously, otherwise you wouldn't have come and stayed) and despite your attitude, I'm going to tell you the same thing I tell other people. My story is my own, and I know my mother's story, and you can get these other medical student and physician stories here as well.

You *can* have it all, but you *are* going to have to sacrifice, and the definition of "all" is going to change. Whether that sacrifice is time with your child or settling for a mid-level degree over a medical degree. My mother was a nurse who went to med school when I was a child (and being a med student now myself after a successful therapy career - I'd say I didn't turn into a juvenile delinquent, nor did my brother). She balanced her family and medical life, but there were costs. She wasn't as involved as she was when she was a nurse. She regrets that part, naturally, and we as kids got over it.

And now here I am in my mid 30's as an MS3, pregnant myself. Having been down that road, I know there are going to be sacrifices to make, that my kid will be in daycare when I'm not there, and sacrifices for my husband as well. But you know what? I had a damn good role model to show me how to get through it, and how to still raise a great kid, and I will. If you are serious about your life goals, you will find ways to make compromise too. If you can't, then being a mom and going into medicine isn't for you. Because there is NO black and white in this as a mother and a wife.

Go to nursing school. Medicine is not compatible with spend the quality time and amount of time you seem to desire. It's a no brainer IMHO.

Ouch! This puppy sure spiraled out of control!

For me, the choice to ultimately not pursue medical school was NOT because I feel that daycare/nanny etc are not a perfectly acceptable and good choice. I'm a sahm who has used kidstop during summers for extra help and my kids love it. There are a lot of great things to be said for childcare facilities. It doesn't have to be negative at all.

I personally want to experience motherhood differently than someone who is currently a medical student or resident. That doesn't make me a better mom or them a worse mom. Ultimately, it's just a choice about how we want to experience these years. I don't believe that daycare is damaging in any way at all. I just like being able to pick them up from school, go to their games, chuckle through ballet practice, etc. If I wasn't there, my children wouldn't turn out any less good ... it's really a choice about what I want for me at this phase in my life.

It's unfortunate that these discussions still turn into a parenting competition!

To the OP. I think that med school doesn't sound like a reasonable option for you right now based on what you want out of motherhood right now and how much you are willing to invest in a career. That doesn't mean that med school couldn't fit later.

Kris

Why are you spamming, Elaina? I can't believe no one has deleted your post, but clearly you are in the wrong message board. And you are annoying. That is all.

Deleted SPAM post.

I always feel that I am putting her before me no matter what I do, but I also know that I have to make a good career choice in order to be able to take care of her.


God forbid you put your child before you? Everything you say is so contradicting. FYI being a nurse you will be able to take care of her so don't act like you NEED to be a doctor to take care of her appropriately!

BTW I love Emily's post!

Hi OpheliasWings,

Wow, this is my first time on this forum and I am so glad I came upon this heated thread. When I read your post, it was like reading about my own life. I am 31 years old, and I have a 9-months old son and a wonderful husband who says he would be behind any of my career decisions as long as they make me happy. I have a BS in Business and a Master's degree in Int'l Business, but I never even worked in this field. I have always wanted to be a doctor. I have recently started a community college initially with an idea of at least becoming a nurse, but secretly hoping to get pre-med courses and prepare for MCAT. This is my first semester back and as homework becoming more demanding, doubts started creeping in.
I am constantly distracted by thoughts of all the time that studies take away from my child. I am 100% in support of your values and reasoning for not wanting to sacrifice your family for the career and seeking reassurance or some support in finding out if ANY if at all balance between Med school and family is possible.
You are absolutely right about there not being a point of having kids if we are not there to raise them! Children are our DNA, remote resemblances of us and they are attuned to their parents. They grow up emotionally disturbed if their mom (or dad, whoever is the primary care taker) is not there. For those of you who question this statement, do not worry, this is not something I made up, this comes from well researched findings from developmental psychologists (I am taking that course now and SO happy I am). According to Santrock (2010), daycare seriously lacking in the United States and children, even if they are cared for high-quality daycare are much worse off than young children growing up with their biological parents (that is given that parents are caring).
I saw some of the posts in response to Ophelias Wings and I was ashamed reading them. They are clearly written out of guilt. Yes, I do think those ladies sacrificed their children's well-being for their selfish reasons. It is much harder to sacrifice a career for some than their child, which is a new trend, it seems, among new mothers.
To OpheliasWings: I think your post was wonderful and was asking for support and advice. It did not deserve the responses it got and I think you were attacked in the way you were because of other people's insecurities about child sacrifices they made. I am in the exact same boat as you are, close at least, and I have the same doubts/dilemmas. I don't want to miss out on seeing my child grow, it is his time to develop and shine (our mothers gave us ours). At the same time career becomes also important once your child is ready to start school/pre-school.
What I think might help you is maybe look into a Physician Assistant program. Have you considered that career? Take a look at that career, it might fit your goal. I have been thinking about it, but of course I feel that I would just cut myself short of just becoming the whole - a doctor and not just the PA. However, I might just go for that for now since I am not willing to leave my child to himself at this young age. I don't know, I think it comes down to sacrificing a child or a dream of becoming a doctor and that perspective hurts :| me.
Just to add: my father is a general surgeon, so I am a former child whose dad was day and night on call. But my mom was ALWAYS there: making sure we were fed, taught, had clean clothes, did our homework, did our chores, stayed healthy, etc.. She went back to work also after staying 3 years at home (but I NEVER spent a night without my mom being home). I can't imagine if my dad and mom reversed roles at that time. I wish I had guts to study to be an MD before I met my husband and had a child, at a younger age. I would LOVE to hear a story of someone our age with children and with husbands who succeeded in balancing it all!
Thank you so much for your post!

People who "balanced it all" relied on daycare, nannies, a stay-at-home spouse, or nearby family for childcare. If you are unwilling to share childrearing with others, you cannot balance it all.

I spent every day last week up at 4:30 am studying/organizing notes, leaving for the hospital at 5:45 am, and getting home around 7pm. Guess who wasn't home with my kid? Me. My husband was.

My friend in class had to get a nanny bc her husband travels and they couldn't pick and drop off at daycare on time before it opened and closed with her as a third-year this year. So a nanny comes to their house.

You can't do this without a stay-at-home spouse, family keeping the kid, or a nanny unless you are that guy from Multiplicity and movies are suddenly real today.

"You can have it all, just not at the same time."

Quote from a conference I was at this week specific to women physicians.

I am your age- 33 with four children and in my second year of medical school. It takes a village. But I wouldn't trade it for the world. My children are happy/healthy/whole, I have a great marriage, and am following my career goals.

Every family and parent is different- what works for one individual's personality does not work for another. If you desire to be with your children at all times until they enter school and then be there before/after school- medicine is most likely not for you.