I'm a first year resident and I'm really struggling. I can't tell if I hate what I'm doing or just hate the newness/hardness of it. Is this normal? Should it be getting better yet? Honestly, I think about quitting everday.

I found the first 3 months the hardest. It's gotten much, much better since then. Some of that was my schedule getting a little better, a lot of it was gradually feeling better about what I was actually doing all day long, and another big chunk was figuring out ways that it didn't feel like my schedule was tearing my family into little pieces. Hang in there!!

Is anyone else struggling? Honey, EVERYBODY is struggling! Anyone NOT thinking of quitting is not normal. Do you feel like everyone else "gets it" and you're the dumb one there? Guess what, everyone else feels the same! Please talk to your classmates. I guarantee they feel the same way and you will feel better knowing you are not alone. Also read our thread from last year: http://www.mommd.com/forum/ubbthreads.php/topics/77321/2 and this one from the year before: http://www.mommd.com/forum/ubbthreads.php/topics/71754/1

(I wasn't gonna bring it up, but since it's in last year's thread, January through March were the hardest months from me, but my schedule had a lot to do with it. Also the early months were hard because of novelty, but by middle of year I was really down and had moved to "why am I not getting this YET" and "is this EVER gonna end?" - happy 2nd year now, so far!)

Keep your head up, commiserate with your collegues, let your support system support you, and know that you are more than good enough. Set short term goals for yourself with rewards scheduled at regular intervals. Try hard to find time for fun/exercise/whatever and don't feel bad about never studying outside of work.

One day at a time, and by this time next year you'll be offering your own thoughts to someone else who is struggling.

Hopefully you also have support in your program, or at least someone you can check in with - I guarantee that you aren't the only one having trouble, and maybe theres something the program can do.

Keep us posted, we all feel your pain.

Nd, you don't exactly say whether you're doubting your capabilities or just hating the environment or the work hours or the life balance (wait... could it be... all of those things??)

One of my mantras was "they didn't admit me by mistake." Meaning, you didn't fake your way through college and MS1 and MS2 and whatever else you've done. You can do this. It is just really really hard sometimes. Like, July and August. And late fall when you're burned out. And winter, when you're half way through but it feels like a l o n g time to go. And midspring when your MS2 friends are studying genially in coffeeshops....

I love it!

Find ways to commiserAte! Everyone on this forum was so supportive sharing their stories whether they were in my same boat or have been out of residency for many years!

Also- find a theme song. I found mine late in the year but it made me laugh and smile even when things were getting nuts. I would listen to it when I thought I would lose my mind and on th e way to work every morning for mental preparation.

"nobody's gonna break my stride, nobody's gonna slow me down, oh no! I got to keep on movin!"

My toddler even know all the words now!

If it makes you feel any better, I feel like a moron at least once a day! Intern year FTW!

babylove, your theme song is great. Good for you for having an upbeat song ... I always felt like the soundtrack to intern year was something like The Mountain Goats' "This Year" or maybe Flogging Molly's "The Worst Day Since Yesterday".

Needless to say, I despised my intern year.

Ok, I am totally dating myself but one of my theme songs (another being hey ya by outkast. And stayin' alive which is also my code blue theme song):

If you wake up and don't want to smile,
If it takes just a little while,
Open your eyes and look at the day,
You'll see things in a different way.

Don't stop, thinking about tomorrow,
Don't stop, it'll soon be here,
It'll be, better than before,
Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.

Why not think about times to come,
And not about the things that you've done,
If your life was bad to you,
Just think what tomorrow will do.

Don't stop, thinking about tomorrow,
Don't stop, it'll soon be here,
It'll be, better than before,
Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.

All I want is to see you smile,
If it takes just a little while,
I know you don't believe that it's true,
I never meant any harm to you.

Don't stop, thinking about tomorrow,
Don't stop, it'll soon be here,
It'll be, better than before,
Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.

Don't you look back,
Don't you look back

Ps... And the feeling like a moron phenomenon? Doesn't ever go away. Embrace it

intern year sucks period. Hang in there it does get better and attendinghood is the bomb, love it, that is if you find your right fit.

Yeah, even as an attending the moron thing doesn't go away entirely...

Babylove, I *just* heard that song, and it was already stuck in my head before I read this post! It sure brings back memories!

My theme song? Dolly Parton's "9 to 5". Give it a listen - for me, it was perfect!

http://www.lyricsfreak.com/d/dolly+parton/9+to+5_20041614.html

I think, in part, it helped universalize the sense that this job was eating my life, with too much work and too little appreciation, and I was just forcing myself along through it, just like hard working blokes through so much of all of world history. At least I was going to come out in a good position on the other end! Plus, it really helped wake me up a bit - always nice on the way into work or on the way home.

(As matthew wilder still echoes in my head...)

Haha! It is so catchy, isn't it?

I like the 9-5 song- I may have to add that to the rotation!

My brother told me his was "its been a long December- and there's reason to believe that maybe this year will be better than the last....".

I'm in major burnout. Last year (intern year) was bad around Christmas time for a few months, then things seemed to get better in the Spring and summer. Now, there's not a day that goes by that I don't regret the decision I made to go to medical school. I hate my job, I hate being so grouchy when I get home, I hate that I'm tired, I hate that I never see my daughter, and I particularly hate that I have absolutely no passion or desire to do what I'm doing. What on earth was I thinking? Then I think that I have another 30 years of being in medicine before I can retire and it's awful. I feel completely trapped by my quarter of a million dollars +++ in student loans, plus the complete and utter disappointment that my family would have if I left medicine. As awful as it sounds, some days I secretely hope for some kind of illnnessto plague me or my family so that I can quit residency and no one will blame me for it. I just want a way out. I have no desire to learn how the body works. I don't care. And what makes it worse is that I don't have another "calling" that I would pursue, I just don't want to do medicine and I'm miserable about it but feel like I'm pretty much stuck. I know I should probably go talk to someone about it, and would probably even benefit from being medicated, but it just seems pointless because I'm still going to be stuck doing a job that I hate (even more annoying is some other residents' professing about how "wonderful and exciting and terrific" medicine is.....uuuugghhhh----gag me!)

DocE, I'm sorry. I hope you get some time soon to figure things out - is there anyone you trust that you can talk to in (or out of) your program? Can you take a few months off to spend some time at home and rethink things? Work a month on, month off for a while?

It may be be that with a little time and perspective you can find a slice of medicine you do have passion for (maybe even in a role you haven't yet thought of?) or it may be that it really isn't going to work out. Either way, identifying burnout is important and I hope your program can give you what you need to feel better now that you've recognized it.

Wish I could say something helpful, and that you find your direction.

Hey doc e- sorry you are going through such a rough patch. How long is your program? For me what helps is knowing that this awful schedule wont last forever. Despite my 6 figure loans that are 1/3 more than my house mortgage,I decided I will do part time when I get out for a while so I can regroup, reconnect, and spend time with my family.

Is there any part of your practice that when things are going well- you are rested, pts are nice,etc- that you like? Will you be able to focus on just that or maximize that when you are done?

If you are you are thinking you might benefit from medication, just do it. It may give you a little boost to be able to push through.

Hugs!!

I think we all have some degree of those feelings at some point. Some mornings I think, "what am I doing?? why don't I just quit and stay home?" because it just seems like the days are so difficult sometimes, and long, and surgeons can be so grouchy (at least my attendings are generally really nice though), and nurses can be such a pain... well, it adds up to feeling like you just need a break.

Do you think you are in that kind of position where a vacation or something might help? Do you have vacation coming up? Is there an advisor or faculty member in your program who you can trust to discuss this with? I'm sure lots of residents have had these concerns and talked to people before - you won't be the first.

When things got better last year, what had changed? Can you identify a reason they were better? That might help you feel better now if there are things you can possibly change...

Good luck, and know we'll always "listen" to you here!

I've been struggling as well. I feel like these new work hours are just awful. My program used to sign out at 4pm. We now sign out at 6pm (get done at 7pm). My daughter is too tired/cranky to stay up past 8pm so it kills me to only see her for 30 minutes when I get home. And I feel like an absolutely awful intern. My knowledge base is very good but I'm having a hard time working on our teams (6 out of our 13 interns already knew each other very well from school). And I just feel like I don't belong. I get invited to dinner plans at the end of our block but I would much rather spend the time with my husband and child. I'm hoping things get better. I feel like the only intern making mistakes. Anyone else feeling this way?

Oh, that stinks.

On the feeling like a crappy intern front - as comes up frequently in these threads, I think that's nearly universal (goes up and down during the year, but everyone feels it much of the time!).

On the not seeing your daughter part... blech. Is there any way her bedtime can be shifted? Can she sleep later in the morning, or do childcare arrangements prohibit that? Can her nap be pushed later, or extended somehow?

On the social part - I go through periods where I prioritize remembering to have an adult social life, but a huge amount of the time these days it's something that's just on the back burner. I try not to let my long term friendships totally wither - ok, they're pretty withered, but not totally die - but I mostly accept that making new connections that are as strong as the old will, for now, be limited to people who understand my situation and are willing to tolerate limited contact, with kids present at every social engagement I go to, always. And I spend most of that time interacting with my daughter primarily, and the other adults secondarily. Right now, I feel ok about it.

Also - the refrain of intern year - it WILL get better!!!!

DocE-
If it makes you feel any better I could've written your post. I have around 100K in debt and I think about quitting on a daily basis. I'm in pathology right now. I've come to the conclusion that I need to switch specialities. The lifestyle is decent (I still consistently work 12 hours days) but I've found the pain of medicine too much without the warmth of patient interaction. I wish there was a solution for people like you and I, but I haven't figured it out yet. Just want you to know that you're not alone.