I am 12 weeks pregnant with a 17 month old boy at home. Today is the first day of my vacation, and I have the worst sort of a head cold or allergies. I started to sneeze so hard that pee started to dribble down my legs. Then as I was sitting on the toilet to try to empty my bladder, I sneezed again and a big ball of snot landed on my thigh. I feel beyond gross.

And then my husband started giving me shit because he hasn't had any time to himself all day. Seriously? My nose is so raw from blowing my nose that I am having to blow my nose into my hands and wash them. Oh, did I mention I have the worst kind of morning sickness and exhaustion? I am so miserable.

Ok. Not the worst kind of morning sickness. I am not hospitalized or anything. Just very nauseated all day punctuated by waves of very intense nausea and gagging.

I have discovered that if I lean forward, the nose just drains without having to blow my nose. This is so gross.

The best thing in the world for me is my Netti-Pot. Helps to keep all that junk out of the nose without meds.

I was not a happy camper when I was pregnant. I had morning sickness that lasted all day for the first trimester, and then I was tired the rest of the time. My husband was never home, and when he was, he was not available. What saved me was hiring neighborhood teens and college kids to come over for a few hours and play with my older ones so I could take a nap. Those teens were more like older sibs to my kids and the kids loved having them over to play. Naturally, I picked kids who were mature, responsible, and able to handle toddlers, and I was also on hand in the house. As these kids got older- along with my own kids- they were the best babysitters if I needed to go out.

For outings, I would bring along a neighborhood pre-teen. They were still young enough to enjoy a free trip to the zoo or a kid movie, and they loved having some pocket money as well. So nice to have an extra set of hands for potty breaks and meals, or to just run after them at the park when I got too big to run fast.

Hope you feel better

Sorry for the whine fest up there! I recovered from the head cold fully and went on a great vacation. My son is getting to be so fun to travel with! He is positively obsessed with trucks and while we were driving, he learned the signs for big and small by comparing industrial trucks vs. pick up trucks.

BTW, my husband and I are very liberal, and we are very gender neutral with my son. He has a kitchen set, a pink baby doll, baby crib, and even a pink doll strollar along with cars, train set, blocks, and duplos. Funny thing is that he is totally obsessed with cars, trains, buses and trucks. He does like his pink strollar, but mainly because he gets to crash it into the walls.

I am a rock climber, and last weekend I went to Squamish in British Columbia for some climbing. I had been feeling so tired for the first trimester, and I was so happy that I finally felt relatively normal and climbed well. For those of you horrified, don't worry. I am not leading anymore which means I am not risking falling. I don't seem to be as lucky with nausea. I am into my second trimester, and nausea seems to getting worse and not better. And with food aversion, I am having a hard time eating. I have only gained 3 lbs so far... Last pregnacy I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes, and I had such a hard time gaining weight because of diet restrictions. I have an appointment in a few weeks, so I will see if my doctor is OK with my very slight weight gain. I hope that I am not diabetic again. That was aweful. I am such a carb fiend.

Ahh! You gave me your head cold LOL

WTG on your weight gain, that's an accomplishment! I've put on 13 pounds over these 25 weeks, and I need to hold it. I was a little thick to begin with and baby will literally be ok if I don't gain anymore. And, I'd like it to not be such a burden to get rid of after!!

None of you people with your weight gains should worry here. I gained 60 lbs with my pregnancy last year. I have lost 47, so I don't have much to go, but you will be fine.

Congrats Clee on being so active while expecting! That's incredible, and I should have totally done that! I'm a runner, and I wish I had kept up when I was pregnant. Would make all this weight losing easier now!

Haha, while nausea is still going strong, my appetite has really picked up. Now, I am eating so much, it is scaring me a little.

Big news is that tomorrow is the first day I am taking off to spend with my baby. The plan is to take off one day a week for as long as we can afford it. And despite my total financial paranoia, I am doing it! And I went ahead and even took one of next weeks off. Yikes! First thing we are doing tomorrow is to go over our finances and budget item by item. I feel so financially reckless...

I am an anesthesiologist practicing in an non-academic center. Full time is about 65+ hours a week, but now I am taking about 10 hours off per week, so I am working 55+. I have a husband with a very flexible schedule who is willing to pretty much do everything domestic. We hire help to ease the burden off my husband. My mother in law takes care of the baby while we work. She had never wanted to be paid because she said she is not hired help. We gift her monthly just because we felt like we needed to show her our appreciation somehow, but the amount is meager. I am a rock climber. I would say next to medicine, that is my second passion. I have a wonderful 18 month boy and expecting another one in March. I have achieved financial security.

The question is, why do I feel like my life is still not balanced???!!!

Before I had the baby, I said there is no way that something as little as having children would affect my career. Right. Having my son changed my life. And my career. I stopped taking on more responsibilities of running the group. I declined to be in any more leadership postions. It is clear to everyone that becoming a leader in our physician group is no longer a priority for me. While my other male collegues with small children take on more responsibilities and step up to take over as leaders, I am shrinking away from additional responsibilities. In fact, I just couldn't handle not spending enough time with my baby and have decided to start taking one day off per week. I may even consider taking more time off if we figure out that it is financially possible.

Even with one day off per week, I still feel like I simply don't have enough time for myself, my husband, or my son. With my son, I feel like taking one day off per week is just scratching at the surface of what I need with him.

I have not really spent alone time with my husband since my son was born. We go to the opera and that is it. I have decided to spend at least 2 hours a week alone with my husband. But even just 2 hours a week feels like time I should be spending with my son. My husband and I have talked about spending a weekend a quarter alone, but I am just not sure if I am ready.

I take 30 minutes each day at night to get on the exercise bike. I try to go to the rock gym and hang out with my friends once a week, but many times I can't tear myself away from my baby. I am slowly losing my friends (who are all climbers) because I am not really available to climb much). I have gone climbing with my baby and had a great time, but that is so much work, and finding partners who will be happy with a baby is pretty hard. When I spend time away from my son, I feel guilty and regret what I am missing out with my son. So I end up with work, baby, work, baby, work, baby until I feel totally burnt out where I don't spend quality time with my son because I am not all there. I think finding mom friends would be helpful, but so far, I have a hard time relating to other moms and people who are not very outdoorsy or active. And I don't even have time to spend with established friends and feel like seeking new ones out is really not that realistic.

I feel like I have a pretty great situation. Why do I feel like I am not balance at all? I feel like I am short changing my career, my son, my husband, and myself. Is this how parents who work many hours feel? What more can I do?

The night started so promising. I thought I would be back home with my son by 7:30 at the latest. At 10:23 I am still here. I barely had 10 minutes for dinner at 10 PM where I ate whatever I could find at the doctor's lounge: a piece of wheat toast, Campbell's chicken noodle soup, and some kind of berry smoothie with protein that tasted like drinking chalk. I feel guilty because I was starving my unborn child without dinner. And when I did manage to eat, I ate so badly. It is like I am already a bad mother, and he is not even born yet!

I have started my internal debate over whether I should go home when I am done here. I am thinking I will be here until 1 AM or so. It would be logical to stay at the hospital and sleep, but my son wakes up asking for me every morning. And majority of mornings I am not there.

I called my husband, and I could hear my son keep saying "mama." I had no idea that working and having kids would be so difficult. Why is it that other people seem OK, but it kills me?

Oh clee, that sounds heartbreaking Can your husband bring your son around when you have late hospital nights? Maybe have dinner together in the cafeteria or hang out a while in the lounge?

Well, I decided to drive home and got in at 3:30 in the morning. It was worth my son excitedly yelling 'mama' this morning. I didn't get to spend as much time with my son as I normally do on a post call day because I slept a lot. But I have tomorrow off! I don't know why I didn't start taking time off sooner. Since I knew I have a whole day to spend with him tomorrow, I didn't feel aweful about sleeping in and taking a nap. I was refreshed after a long nap and spent quality time with my son tonight. He is so cute! I can't believe I had strongly considered not having kids! And now I'm on my exercise bike with only a little guilt.

My husband does bring my son to work when I am just hanging out. Sometimes he hangs out near my work all day in hopes I can get away for a few minutes epecially for weekend call.

I have found that the local YMCA has toddler classes. I am signing up for a few. My son goes to Music Together with me, and he seems really shy. I think some socialization with other kids will do him some good. I was excited to seethere were some evening and weekend classes. And so far I have been able to take wednesdays off so I will sign up for some M/W classes. May be I'll meet some cool moms.

I must confess that I have a hard time befriending SAHM's. Is it my imagination or do they tend tobecome super uncomfortable when they find out I am not SAHM but work as a doctor? And they meet during work hours.

Well gotta go. My obligatory 30 min bike session is over. I hear my son. He's still up!

NO MORE MOMMIE GUILT

So I was sick again this weekend. I think I may have had the flu. I was in bed for the entire weekend. Being that I was brought up by vegan granola parents, I believe that when I am repeatedly sick, the balance is off in my life. Well, I am working less. I exercise everyday. I eat local organic food, mostly vegetarian, and only eat out twice a week. So the only thing I can come up with was that I am putting myself under a lot of stress for no reason.

I have been stressed out about work (not the clinical stuff but all the BS that goes with being a physician). I have been really stressing because I have been under a lot of mommie guilt.

So I have decided that I am not going to stress out.

First, I am a damn good anesthesiologist. I am efficient, hard working, and with good outcome. I keep a cool head in crisis. I never cut corners when it comes to working hard (as we are a 'socialist' group, some people cut corners to work less).

Second, my son is well adjusted and thriving. Any guilt I feel is my demon not his.

I must take care of myself and be happy and healthy to be a good mother and a good anesthesiologist. So no more stress!

Also, I am going to try to find balance in my life.
1. I am going to be fully present when I am with my son. Find fun activities and such. Already I signed up for a few classes at the Y and will find out which ones I got this week.
2. Seems that some super moms can give up social life and still remain happy, but unfortunately that is not me. So, I am going to try to work out with my climbing buddies once a week. When I feel the need, I will climb with them on weekends. I will try to attend some of mommy meetups and see if I can meet some cool moms. Hell, cool moms who are not turn off by doctor moms have to be out there, right?
3. Continue eating well and exercising.
4. Start spending alone time once a week with my husband. We were supposed to start this week, but I got the flu so and bed bound...

Go me!

I feel sooo much better now that I am taking one day off per week. My mother in law and I are getting along better. Now that my crazy jealousy has subsided, I realize that I was bat you know what crazy. She is so wonderful with my son. But I am glad we drew up some boundaries. She is going home more often letting the three of us to have more family time. She gently encourages my son to play with me when she and I are both with him. My husband and I stopped including her in everything we do that involves the boy. We are over all more balanced than before. And my mother in law does not seem any less happy.

My new obsession is arts, crafts, and creative activities for my son. I realize this is a bit of a pattern I have. Even before my son was born, I always needed some kind of pet project. Before my son, I would be mostly obsessed about rock climbing. I would always be researching the best gear, next place to climb, finding and learning the topo's, etc. After my son was born, I found myself climbing less and less and at a loss for what to do for my pet projects.

Then came the craigs list days. I found clothes and toys cheap on craigs list...until my son got enough clothes and toys. My husband would argue too much stuff.

Now, I've moved onto arts and crafts. I spend all my time between cases and on call researching crafts. Unfortunately, my list is almost full. My husband wants to look at what I am buying because he says I go a little over board at times. What! Moi?

I really need to finish setting up my son's playroom before I buy all these arts/craft stuff. But it is so hard to do that. I want to either play with my son or relax. But I do think the little desk and chairs I got would be perfect for art projects. And I want to also buy an easel. Now, am I going overboard?

I am also trying out 2 subscriptions. One with toddler kits and one with 'curriculums.' I have never been really good with kids and never really babysat or anything, so I am a bit at a loss with my son. Other than music and books, I had no idea what else to do with him. I bought him some toys, but he tires of duplos pretty quickly, and I guess he is too young for wooden trains. That is another thing. I am not very good at guessing that is good for his age. I am hoping I am not making that mistake with the art stuff.

So here is a list of what I am going to buy.
1. Finger paint and finger paint paper.
2. Paint with toddler friendly paint cups and brushes
3. Chalk for easel
4. Sidewalk chalk
5. Dry erase marker for easel
6. Regular markers
7. Play dough
8. Some Alex craft kits for 2 year olds. Heck, my son (19 months) is advanced right?

Well, this is before my husband. He may veto some stuff.

Well, I am going on a girl's night out tonight. I was going to climb on Sunday with them as well, but I think I may have to cancel. My symphysis pubis instability is acting up again. And I am not sure I can handle not seeing him Friday night and Sunday all day.

Wow, a really rambling blog, huh?

Pelvic instability (symphysis pubis instability) is in full swing, and I am officially no longer climbing. I am woddling worse than ever because walking hurts. I really hate it when people say things like "Awwww, you are woddling." I want to scream at them that I am in a lot of pain. I wish people would just keep all the pregnancy comments to themselves. Did I mention I am a sour and bitter pregnant woman? I don't know how all those mother goddess types do it with such grace.

In the end, my husband only veto'ed an art smock that I was going to get for my mother in law. I thought it would be nice for her to have one at her house, but he thought that was too much. Geez, they were like 5 bucks. So I finished ordering all the goodies. The kids stuff is expensive, and they add up! I did make myself feel better by reminding myself that I used to spend that much without blinking at a boutique or the makeup counter. And since I am refusing to buy clothes until I fit my old size, and since I don't do anything to my skin, I am saving so much money. Only thing I have bought other than maternity clothes in the last 2 1/2 years so far are some comfortable shoes, one pair of jeans, and a sweater. I keep telling myself that after I have this baby and wean him, I will get back into my old shape. It may not be realistic, but since it is saving me money, I am going to keep that dream alive. But I digress.

I had promised myself that his playroom would be finished before I buy anything else, so I finished his playroom yesterday. My husband wouldn't really help me much. I was rearranging all the crap over and over because I am not very good at knowing where to put furniture and stuff, and he refused to help. So here I was moving all the crap with my pelvis hurting. Well, I guess he did put together the table, vacumed the closet floor, and wiped down the shelves. Talking about tables...well, another new parent mistake. Costco had this really cute wooden patio set for kids, and they were really cheap. So I thought that would make a really good table for craft and such. I realized yesterday, duh! they have grooves. *sigh* But I did buy this finger painting try, so I think I am OK, but how could have have been so dumb? Oh well, the damage is already done. I guess if they really don't work out, I now have a kiddo patio set? Anyways, the room is done. Now, anything that doesn't fit into the toy bins in the living room are moving to the playroom. I am excited to have an adult looking house back!

I have noticed that I must be nesting a bit early. I am going from room to room to throw out everything, unclutter, and organize. May be because I am taking one day off per week, I have the energy to care. But so far, the pantry, the gear closet, and the playroom are clutter free and beautiful. I love gutting out a space, giving/throwing things away, and ending up with a clean spacious space. Ahhh. It's like a breath of fresh air in the forest...

I bought the Play-doh Creativity Center (cheaper at Toysrus than Amazon BTW) for my son. It was a big hit. He is only 19 months old, but he was facinated by play-doh. He really like molds and squeezing play-doh out of the garlic press looking thing. He was open mouthed in awe when my husband used the cookie cutter looking thing to make cars. He was very careful with the cars as he 'drove' it around the little table that comes with this kit. And of course he loved opening and shutting the box. I really like this kit, even though it was a bit more expensive than the other kits because of the little table it comes with. And I really like how all the stuff fits inside when you are done. I am determined keep our house clutter free.

We are in full potty training hell in our household. He is only 19 months old, but together with his diaper rash on his penis (!) and the knowledge that most Korean babies start potty training around this age, my husband and I decided to use my vacation this month and bite the bullet. I mean diaper rash on his butt is one thing, but on his foreskin? Not cool. And I was starting to worry that it looks a lot like Staph, and all the I&D's I see at the hospital with MRSA *shudder*, I decided no more diapers.

We chose the bare bottom method as this most closely resembles my mom's method she used when my brother and myself were around my son's age. Of course my brother was fully potty trained by 18 months, being that he is better at everything than me...

Anyways, after being knee deep in urine and shit for a few days and one day of potty strike (oh, god, that was really bad), we are making real progress. My little boy is having fewer and fewer accidents, and he even went potty on his travel potty once! Yay! Still accidents are horrrrrible since they pretty much go on the floor. But I still think bare bottom was the way to go for this age group. He is stylin' in his babylegs leg warmer. They are very useful for potty training.

Here are some potty training things we found useful:
1. Elmo Potty. Potty strike over after we got this doll
2. Treats. Stickers didn't do the trick, but dried cranberries did. And we added one of those organic baby cookie for good measure.
3. At this age, the parents and the care takers are the ones getting trained. We are getting really good at what he looks like when he needs to go. We are also getting to know his pee and poo cycle.

And viola! like magic, the diaper rash is gone, gone, gone! The spot where he had the blistering rash looks a little scarred still, but no redness, no blisters, no rash. Phew! That is a relief.

Our first strategy is to get him to poo and pee with our suggestion. We sit him down on the potty when we think he needs to go. He is doing pretty good with that. Next step will be to have him give us a signal. But I guess when you start this early, getting to the second stage will take a little while.

But it has been an exhausting week for me and my husband. Is it hard for everyone?

I am not sure how grandma is going to handle all this. She seems fully on board with this as she is still threatening to go diaper free with our next child. But she is only one person, and she is a bit of a neat freak. *shrug* We'll see.

BTW, I can get that boy to take a nap on the dot at 1:30 everyday. She has no excuse!

Being that potty hell, I mean training, is a whole subject in itself, I didn't want to add this in there, but I now remember why I don't like crafts. The things that guarantee to be not messy are still freaking messy. Stamps? Messy. Hand print ink pad? Messy. Crayons? Ok, it wouldn't have been too messy had my husband not broken it by stepping on one.

And what are you guys doing about preschool? My friend told me to check out one of those parent coop ones. I was leaning towards the prestigious prep school ones. But the cool thing about the parent coop one is that they have classes for kids starting at 2 years old. This would give my mother in law a little breathing room with the little one coming and all. I am going to call them and see when I can come by and see them.

My friend is such a freaking super mom. She works 4 days a week, has an awesome mommy group, attends parenting classes, and does all sorts of really cool stuff with her son. My only consolation is that she lets him watch a lot of TV. Even before he turned 2 despite the recommendation from AAP! Well, I have to cling to this as otherwise I go down the I-am-a-bad-mother spiral.

My son asked me to put him to bed for the first time since he was night weaned! I know I shouldn't be so excited since it is really sweet how he and his father are so close, but I am so excited! Yay!

A great potty training day today. We were out for almost 8 hours today, and he had only 1 accident. He went in his travel potty 4 times! It is good to end my vacation having made progress. All you moms considering early potty training, it really works!

I had a nice email conversation with my administrator. Please don't put me on call or post call on days with extra people! I really need a day off per week!

She says she will do her best. I really hope it works, or I may have to make my part time desires official.

For those of you not getting the difference, I am trying to take days off when we have extra people. This way, there is no need to hire new people or hire locums. It is unofficial, so if I need to start working full time, it is as simple as not asking for days off that month. Once I make it official, arrangements have to be made, and things are more or less permanent. Call me chicken, but I am ready for that?

I was on edge by the end of last week (where I couldn't take a day off), and I feel exhausted starting this week. Doesn't help that my son was sick and kept us awake for 3 days, and when he finally started feeling better and slept last night, pregnancy insomnia hit, and I couldn't sleep from about 1:30. I was actually relieved when the alarm went off. At least I don't have to lay in bed anymore. Why am I having such a problem with insomnia? If anyone has a good remedy, pm me, please.

I RSVP'ed to a mommy group function. Does anyone else feel like an ugly girl rushing for a sorority when they are trying to fit into a mommy group? They are all smiles and warmth until they learn that you work outside the home. Doctor? Who would've thought that fact would be the nail that shut my mommy social life coffin?

I fully plan to avoid work conversation with my new mommy group. I'm a fraud. A SAHM poser. Shameful. Oh well. *shrug*

Wasn't all that impressed with the moms. Can't help it if I don't feel like I can relate to SAHM's who look to be about 20. But my son had a blast. Basically it was a large gym filled with ride on toys, bikes, slides, teeter totters, and other toys. My son wore himself out and needed an extra nap and went to bed early. I am going to keep trying meetup functions in hopes to meet new moms and expose my son to social situations. I really wanna meet other professional outdoorsy moms who live near me with children my age. Haha, is that too narrow? I have actually met some through one meetup for outdoorsy moms, and it seems they are so busy they don't have time for much.

On some days my son seems to be potty trained completely may be except for poop. No accidents for 2 days. Then today, he is peeing all over the place. I just don't get it.

Pregnancy insomnia is on full blast. I couldn't sleep from 1 am to almost 5. I am dead tired today. Worst thing is, I am missing out on the precious few hours I have with my son by sleeping when he is awake and being awake when he is sleeping. So frustrating!

MIL saga continues. Why she can't just feed him the way we want, I have no idea. We reluctantly bought her some dried organic mangoes to substitute her sugary dried cranberries and goldfish crackers. We already allow her to feed him puffs and such that are organic and sugar/salt free. But we found out today that she lets him eat a crap load of mangoes at once. She gives my 19 month old the entire bag and let him eat for a minute or two. Why is dried fruit necessary when we have fresh fruit? Why does she need to feed him an entire bag at a time? I know. I know. There are nannies who are abusive, and here I am complaining about dried fruit. She refuses to follow our diet for my son. Very frustrating. She also refuses to take him to parent/child classes. She doesn't want her schedule to revolve around my son. But isn't that her job? I keep thinking, with a nanny, I would be able to tell her what to do. *sigh*

I am gaining weight at an alarming rate. I look term I belly is so big. I have this fear that my next baby will weigh 12 lbs and I will need a c-section. Or suffer 1st degree tears.

So I have decided to cut out all the crap out of my diet. No more naked smoothie for lunch. No more fizzy juice I bought for morning sickness. No more desserts.

I had baked fish, steamed green beans, and fruit and nut salad for lunch with water. I would kill for some pie. I am craving sweets like crazy! I don't even like sweets normally. Sweets and pickles. Well, at least pickles are low calorie food. May be the weight is water weight from eating so much salt?

And more faithful about lifting weights. Must do that.

I just want to sit on my couch and eat desserts for the next 3 months and nap. What is wrong with me...

this is in response to your mommy club comments: That is funny! Glad to hear its not just in the south.
I am a member of this twins group (have twins) This woman who is rising the ranks of the powers of the twins group (oh no, social climbing at its best ha ha-bet thats going to result in some great things...) who has twin girls born on the same day as my boys, approached me at some function, chat chat, ha ha until mid conversation she found out I worked-then suddenly treated me as if I were a streetwalker...
Hilariously, the next year her girls were taking swimming in the same class as my twin boys. She saw my nanny and thought she was their mother--and approached her about joining the twins club--when she found out she was a nanny (gasp) once again had the same reaction (I guess concerned with communicable diseases from working women)

Anyhoo--I know that someone this judgemental is so because of some deep unhappiness/disatisfaction, but have to say only partly amused....glad to know that someone thinks that I'm subhuman because I'm trying to stamp out human suffering and disease on a daily basis....

Holy moly, I had a mommy-baby class teacher treat me that way yesterday. All smiles and nice nice until I said I can't make to all her classes because I work. Then the cold shoulder. Seriously? I pay you! Never mind that I was all gushing about how wonderful her class was (which by the way really was).

I did look around and realize that my son and I looked a bit shabby. He is wearing stained clothing I got off craig's list and I am wearing maternity yoga clothing with, well, fresh food stains as well. His face wasn't all that wiped off well. So what, shabby and dirty kids of SAHM's is OK but not working moms? Well, whatever. I just don't see paying for new clothes on a toddler.

On the diabetic front, seems I am diabetic this time as well. I checked my sugar with my old strips, and they are really high. Sigh. I called my doctor to see if she will call in some strips for me, and they say that they can't until tomorrow because she is out. There has to be a doctor covering for her, right? I know, I know, I am being a bad patient, but seriously, this office is starting to really piss me off. One of my readings was over 200. Aren't they concerned?! They weren't even going to test me until 28 weeks even though I had gestational diabetes before. Of course it doesn't help that I am reading practice guidelines and comparing it to what my doc is doing. My first screening was OK, and my next screening isn't until week and a half later, but I was feeling so crappy, decided to test myself. I'm reading very high, but I also realized that the strips are expired.

Spoke with a friend OB who thinks the strips are probably legit since they expired in Oct. She told me to get off carbs stat and call my doctor. I sometimes wonder if I should just go to her, but I don't know if I want someone that I work with everyday to be my doc. And my partner to do my epidural. I am going on vacation. What am I going to eat!? Waaaah.

Just got back from a family vacation. There was much drama. I feel like I need a vacation from this vacation. Let's just say that the only woman who did not cry was my mom, and that is because she does not allow anyone to see her weakness.

On the last day, my husband and I got into a huge fight that lasted for days. Unfortunately, we had a 'romantic dinner' planned for that night. It was horrible.

What I was thinking when we decided to have my husband and my baby, my parents, my brother his wife and kids, my mother in law, my brother in law all at the same vacation while in third trimester, I will never know.

Well my marriage and I are slowly recovering from this hell that took place in beautiful Hawaii.

Well, it's official. I am going part time. The administrator reminded me of a rule where one person isn't suppose to take all the extra days. So she recommended that if I intended to keep taking this much time off, I should make it official and she would bring it up to the executive committee. I am totally freaking out.

We are the worst procrastinators on the planet earth for Christmas. Baby's presents are still unwrapped, not sure what I'm getting my husband for his stocking, and the cards just got sent Monday.

Well, the card. I attempted to make one of those picture cards with my entire family. Well, minus the cat. So it was 2 adults, 1 toddler, and 3 dogs with world's worst photographer (my mother in law) and her ancient camera. In the end, we picked one picture, but I am not sure I am ok with how I look. That was a circus.

I am feeling the thrid trimester blues. GDM is now official which means I can't eat anything that tastes good. I am too big and have too much pelvic and back pain to do anything active (like day hikes, sledding, snowboarding, hell, I would settle for rock gym). I am turning super duper cranky. I am still exercising everyday, but even stationary biking is getting hard. In attempt to save money, we cancelled our gym membership and got some weight sets. In less than 2 months we would be ahead as far as money goes. And I would save 40 minutes of car ride. It is so weird how I feel like I am back in college, medical school, or residency where I needed to make an art out of time conservation. Where did my life go where driving to the gym was not a big deal? Good news is that I have over a decade of practice, and if I recall right, I was a champ at time management. It's just that I didn't think I would ever be in this time crunch situation once I was done with residency. I was so clueless about motherhood. *sigh*

My latest thing: self help books. I alternate listening to a parenting book and a marriage book on my commute in the morning. I read them when I am sitting around at work, and I read them while I ride my exercise bike. I feel like I have a much better handle on how to deal with my toddler. Marriage? Things were already getting better so I am not sure if it has anything to do with reading these books. More reading the marriage books on principle to put my marriage before kids. I just wish they would write above a sixth grade level...

Ladies, I finally pumped over an ounce of milk! And I have a date with hubby planned tomorrow for the first time since our baby was born. Oh happy day.

I am going back to work Tuesday. Already I am freaking out about leaving the baby at home. Not having time to spend with toddler. Not having opportunities to pump. How taking a day or two off a week is going to play out financially. How my group may not have the man power to let me take time off at all. How I am going insane from being at home all the time, but once I start to work I will not be able to have any time to myself at all.

So I am playing with my older son outside. My few opportunities to spend alone time with him. And my MIL comes over unannounced and givea him toy trucks. Knowing that would effectively end our outside time. She is so fucking thoughtless about my predicament as a working mom, I want to kill her. I try so hard to be grateful and love her. Really I try. Instead I am crying in the bathroom. Why won't she fucking go home?

Well, my MIL noticed that we weren't entirely welcoming of her and went home looking all wounded. Now I feel all guilty and gross. Ugg. But still happy I got to spend a bit more alone time with my son. My mom (who casually throws out fatally self confidence destroying comments all the time) says I have always been fiercely possessive and need to get over my obsession with my son's preference for my MIL. Now I feel small, guilty, and gross. Ugg x 2

First week back at work with a 7 week old at home. I got really lucky with an easy week. Even then, I wish I was home more. We are going to really tighten our belts and see if I can take more days off per week. I was so exhausted after work that I passed out at 7, and now I can't fall back asleep.

As far as pumping, I have become a sort of a professional. You know, a kind of bad ass pumping ninja mama? I pump during my commute (aka PWD). A pumping bra and a nursing cover makes this miracle all possible. I keep my pump parts in the fridge already assembled and don't bother washing it each time, so my pump time is pretty much equivalent to pump time. And while my girls are not over producers, they let down super quick without trouble, so I can pump between cases. I think I may even be able to exclusively breast feed this time around!

So gripe with work. I had asked if I can have a day off per week, and I was told that they don't have the manpower, and I have to request this at the vacation lottery next Oct. Now they are signing up for an outpatient site without hiring anyone because we have an extra person a week. Say what? So far I have been able to request days off ok, but I feel like my work isn't all that accommodating to my needs as a mother. Wish I had the financial resources to quit and go locum.

Pertussis epidemic be damned, I'm going hiking tomorrow with my infant. One more day of this house arrest, and I am afraid I would go insane.

My mom goes home this Wednesday. I am a bit afraid how we are going to manage. And I am way excited for us to get back into a routine as a family, just the four of us.

My son, my love, apple of my eye, my cuddle bug, mr. cutie pie, seems to haaate being outdoors. But, but, but, but, why?! He can't seem to settle and wails and wails forcing me to hold him in my futile efforts to calm him while his older brother stares me those wounded eyes. It makes the outdoor outings almost not worth the effort. He's gonna get better, right? He's just too young?? Right???

Warning TMI material

I had to choose between #2 and pumping. While pumping in the bathroom would've been the obvious answer, I just couldn't for fear of germs. Did I ever mention I am a germaphobe? So here I am very uncomfortable in the locker room pumping. May be they will take all day turning over the room, and I will get to go to the bathroom?

So I had GI issues between cases. And the patient was in the room by the time I was done. And I would explain to anyone who would listen that I was late because of GI issues and not becausd I was pumping. Why do I feel like I have to apologize for pumping while not for GI issues?

We ended up finishing later today, and I am worried that it would be super easy for the staff to blame me. But that is not being fair. All the staff were very supportive of my pumping today. Just worrying. We'll see if the worries are justified or not.

I went climbing outside for the first time since baby #2. I didn't lead (not much I feel comfortable leading where we were), but I am sore from climbing. Yay!

I pumped. Some guy kept insisting that there was some crazy frog around, and I didn't correct him. Just smiled and kept pumping. Ah, the joys of climbing motherhood.

Sooooo, I feel a bit depressed. Weird. No anxiety, no negative thoughts, just a feeling of discontent. I kept thinking it would go away after my hormones stabilized, but no dice. I have been exercising everyday for 4 days. Not helping yet. In the past, if I start to feel crappy, exercise for few days, and I felt better. If this is purely chemical, will it require meds? Yikes! I can't. I'm too crunchy granola.

(All you md types out there, don't worry. I will seek professional help and take meds if it seems necessary. Not there yet)

Anyone else has trouble sleeping on call? I am exhausted to the point of nausea and still not falling alseep. Ugg.

If I am completely honest, I can't even bring myself to lay down. It's like I have a weird aversion to sleeping on call.

For the first time in my marriage, I was asked to pick up slack so my husband could work. Yes, I am excited that my husband's law practice is finally going. But working all day and into the evening? And of course it just happens to be my vacation. I am starting to wonder if I have been short sighted about what this could all mean. I am so spoiled having my husband totally support me with housework and kids and with my hobbies.....

Be careful what you wish for, I guess. Hmmm. Hmmmmmm.

I am playing SAHM during my vacation while my husband works. You wonder, weren't you doing that on weekends, days off, and post call? Well, no. It has always been my husband and the kids. And I am starting to realize how much more fun it is to have my husband around. DH, I am sorry for giving you a hard time about income or lack thereof.

My husband and I had a heart to heart talk. I told him to take on as much or as little as he wants with his practice as family time is more important than money. I realized how much I want him around. At the same time he realized how exciting his career is.

Damn.

On a brighter note, one of my ex-climbing partners (he got a girlfriend, I had a baby so an amicable breakup) recommended linoleic acid tonight at the rock gym. I am so knee deep in breastfeeding and pumping I thought for a second he was recommending lanolin to me. I was actually relieved when I realized he was talking about a weight loss supplement. But really? Is it so not OK to do that to a woman who is not even three months postpartum. I get to call this baby fat for at least a year, don't I? I am only 25 lbs from prebaby #1 weight and 12 lbs from prebaby #2 weight. I thought I was doing pretty good there. I shouldn't have believed my husband who keeps lying to me and telling me I am not fat and that all the weight must be in my giant boobs. Liar!

Rejoice! Rejoice! All supply limited moms who want a second chance rejoice! Milk actually leaked out of my breast onto my shirt!